Monday, September 27, 2010

New Blog

Hey, you like me? You like blogs? Well good news, go here

That Squishy... Thing

Yep, thats right, thats my new blog, check it out. This one is old and stupid, and so are you for reading it. No seriously you're an idiot. Check out the new one!

Monday, October 19, 2009

As Seen on TV: What did you do? part two...

Part one

And then there is the other one, some stain remover. Who knows they are all the same. So two little dipshits play in the kitchen enjoying the ambiance, the smell, and a healthy dose of dubbed soundtrack. They are about to eat lunch, maybe tea, its light out so maybe the are heavily religious. Because as we all know its one of the key hallmarks of the satanic traditions to eat tea at four o'clock in the afternoon.

“Hey watch me I can flip the pizza like the people in the shop”, Oh can you? Oh snap cunt, no you can't, stained pants. Nightmare. I imagine every women reading this is now in the fetal position on the floor, slowly coming to grips with the huge dimensions of what this kids poor mother will have to deal with. And in she walks.

She takes one look at the kids pants, covered in pizza sauce, one look at the pizza on the floor, another look at the kid, then produces a large belt from behind her back. She then goes about whipping the kid a new color for the next few minutes whilst yelling at him about wasting food, starving Norwegian orphans, and how they are going to have to eat tofu for tea again tonight. At least that's where I always go when I see the advert.

How it actually happens is she bends down and says 'oh no, a stain', because shes a women and like I said last week, apparently women care about only a few things, stains how their house smells, and the sanitary condition of their cervix. Yep that's right don't punish the child, don't even dare look disappointed. Just fret on the fact that your impossibly white clothes have come to resemble your once perfect neighborhood, all white apart from that one bit down the end... Oh come on its one step away, I can make that link if I want to.

And of course in steps the obligatory stranger in the logo emblazoned shirt. The one that apparently lives in every single home just waiting for a stain emergency to appear. And snap problem solved, your perfect white power dream is now back to reality, if only the Chans could be dealt with as easily. The little freak wasted an entire pizza... and all she cares about is the stain. I'll ask the question again. Women, what the hell does the advertising industry think of you?

But it continues, the pizza is now gone, placed in the bin or hurled over the fence probably. And the mother asks 'well whats for tea'. Greasy chips... greasy chips, he says. Greasy chips means stains, but don't worry mum, don't fret your pretty little head, your pretty little anal retentive as a Swedish arse festival head. And anyway, stains from chips... really? What the hell are you doing with them? Granted chips can be fairly erotic, but when rubbing the sensuously all over ones person you're usually naked!

I'm out, catch you Thursday peeps...

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Adventures in the Public Domain: Tim Dawson

This week on Tim Dawson, the fiery conclusion...

Page Nine

The comics this spoof is based on is believed by the author of this blog to be public domain, if they are not then apologies and they will be removed post haste upon notification.

Monday, October 12, 2009

As Seen on TV: What did you do? part one...

Women what is it exactly you did in the company of the advertising people, to make them think you were complete raging fucktards? It must have been something pretty major, because I swear they must think you have the mental capacity of lobotomised frogs. Was there a meeting you and they had where they asked you a few questions and the only thing you answered with was, 'oh I can get that stain out if you like'. Far be it from me to question the logic and techniques of the advertising industry, being a twenty something male. All the adverts targeted at me are about sex, drugs and fast cars, and mostly at the same time.

And in honestly that's what we (twenty something males) care about. Hey what can I say, we are sick freaks. But ladies, I mean Jesus, apparently there is three things you care about. How your house smells, stains, and... freshness... you know, downstairs. But your love dungeon aside, what exactly happened along the line to make those first two things your key demos for marketing.

Lets take a look at the first example, I've talked about this company before. Airwick, the company that seems to see fit to categorise women into different classes by representing them as animals. The Ostrich is who we look at this time, I guess its about racist women then. Don't question my logic! Anyway advert opens Ostrich comes on screen talking about empty nesting when her son comes home. He wants her to do a load of his washing. Nicely she obliges because, lets face it shes a forty something housewife with no other life skills and nothing better to do, what else is going to happen, she hits the sauce and plays video poker?

Anyway it turns out all the clothes are already clean, signified by the fact they still have the shop tags on. Now this raises two questions first, who the fuck doesn't wash clothes from a shop before they wear them first, its just common sense. Unless you want to be another in the long line that is the herpes train. Secondly, why the hell is dipshit Mc'Ostrich visiting his mother? Answer, to smell. Yep that's right he came all the way to his mothers home, to smell. AIRWICK AIR FRESHENERS, BRIBE YOUR CHILDREN TO VISIT YOU WITH THE SCENT OF LAVENDER AND GUILT. What in the powerful levels of torque fuck are they on about?

Shit I know the one thing I love to do more than anything is go and smell peoples houses. Well after, lets say just a few things, its almost my favorite thing to do. Really? I mean really? Do they really think that's going to work? Your children will visit you if your house smells good. Of course we (the young and hip) don't really dig the smell of bleach and oatmeal that much. But unless your house smells of chocolate cake, marijuana, or hot lesbian sex then your adult son is not going to be enticed back to your house by the use of scent.