As Seen on TV: What did you do? part two...

Part one

And then there is the other one, some stain remover. Who knows they are all the same. So two little dipshits play in the kitchen enjoying the ambiance, the smell, and a healthy dose of dubbed soundtrack. They are about to eat lunch, maybe tea, its light out so maybe the are heavily religious. Because as we all know its one of the key hallmarks of the satanic traditions to eat tea at four o'clock in the afternoon.

“Hey watch me I can flip the pizza like the people in the shop”, Oh can you? Oh snap cunt, no you can't, stained pants. Nightmare. I imagine every women reading this is now in the fetal position on the floor, slowly coming to grips with the huge dimensions of what this kids poor mother will have to deal with. And in she walks.

She takes one look at the kids pants, covered in pizza sauce, one look at the pizza on the floor, another look at the kid, then produces a large belt from behind her back. She then goes about whipping the kid a new color for the next few minutes whilst yelling at him about wasting food, starving Norwegian orphans, and how they are going to have to eat tofu for tea again tonight. At least that's where I always go when I see the advert.

How it actually happens is she bends down and says 'oh no, a stain', because shes a women and like I said last week, apparently women care about only a few things, stains how their house smells, and the sanitary condition of their cervix. Yep that's right don't punish the child, don't even dare look disappointed. Just fret on the fact that your impossibly white clothes have come to resemble your once perfect neighborhood, all white apart from that one bit down the end... Oh come on its one step away, I can make that link if I want to.

And of course in steps the obligatory stranger in the logo emblazoned shirt. The one that apparently lives in every single home just waiting for a stain emergency to appear. And snap problem solved, your perfect white power dream is now back to reality, if only the Chans could be dealt with as easily. The little freak wasted an entire pizza... and all she cares about is the stain. I'll ask the question again. Women, what the hell does the advertising industry think of you?



But it continues, the pizza is now gone, placed in the bin or hurled over the fence probably. And the mother asks 'well whats for tea'. Greasy chips... greasy chips, he says. Greasy chips means stains, but don't worry mum, don't fret your pretty little head, your pretty little anal retentive as a Swedish arse festival head. And anyway, stains from chips... really? What the hell are you doing with them? Granted chips can be fairly erotic, but when rubbing the sensuously all over ones person you're usually naked!

I'm out, catch you Thursday peeps...

Saturday Serial

Last week Young Cardinals

Part 35: See a penny, pick it up...
Only a few of them had. The Major stood at the lip of the hole for a second looking down at the bodies. He didn't seem impressed or angry, he didn't seem anything really. His face blank and expressionless. He looked up at Brigazzo who was standing next to him.

“Collect what supplies you can and head back” He said, it wasn't clear to who but Brigazzo leaped down in the hole and started sifting through the leftovers. There wasn't to much not damaged but he managed to go through and find a few rifles some ammo and a MP40 that seemed to be in working order. Dunn stood at some distance, he didn't know whether he wanted to look in the hole, he'd heard from a few guys back at basic what a grenade could do.

“Come with me Dunn” The Major said walking over into the distance to a group of the soldiers. Bertram and Lansell, stood with Wilson, a short distance from where they had been encamped. Lansell turned when the Major came over and started talking.

“Major, we just rounded a corner and walked into it, I guess no one found a penny today” Lansell said taking his helmet off and running his hands through his hair. Dunn couldn't see through the group what they were standing around, but he could take a safe guess. He looked around the area slowly, tracing his eyes over everything, the rocks and trees other people but one thing was missing. Fawlkes.

“Dunn, take the browning off Dorsey... Doresy grab Fawlkes we have to get out of here before we get another surprise” The Major said, Dunn stood were he was, a little taken aback by the sight as the group cleared around Fawlkes. His eyes open, hands still clenching the stock of his rifle. In his chest a cavernous bloody hole, but Dunn didn't notice that, he was just transfixed on the eyes. It was made worse by the fact it was someone he'd known, someone he'd talked to. Even just a few hours ago. Dead, still, unresponsive, they stared out into the distance, glazed over and never ending peering out into the universe. Dunn could already make out a thin layer of dirt settling on them. The Major stepped in and bent down placing his hand over them, making sure they closed. He ripped the dog tags off and placed them in his pocket buttoning it back up after.

“Dunn... pick up the browning and start heading back” The Major said loudly but not yelling. Dunn still stared blankly at the body, he snapped back out of it as Dorsey handed him the Browning the smell of burnt gunpowder and smoke still emanating from the barrel. Dorsey then went and heaved the body up onto his shoulders and headed back into the jungle.

“Keep it close, and keep your eyes open... they know someones here, but they don't know who and they don't know where so lets just keep it that way.” The Major said to the few men standing around him.

“Give me your rifle Dunn” Wilson said quietly taking the garand from Dunn, he slung it over his shoulder and helped the kid sling the heavy browning back up to his shoulder. Dunn looked around everyone was quiet, but the birds. They'd all seemed to fly away before, right to this spot. They chirped and tweeted all around the area singing as they had all day like nothing had changed.

“What are you standing around for Dunn” Brigazzo said angrily pushing Dunn in the back to get him to move on. They didn't run but carefully and quickly moved on back to the cave, hopefully they would be safe there. Dunn was near the back but in the distance he could see Dorsey carrying Fawlkes, his body slumped over his friends shoulders, the blood starting to drip down Dorsey's back, Dunn guessed he wasn't really thinking about it. Dunn couldn't help but focus on the bloody mess that Fawlkes back was, the blood was sticky and darkly colored almost looking like molasses shining in the sun. He had to stop staring at it, it was making him sick very quickly. He did know though that he wanted someone to tell him how to feel, angry, sad, scared, no matter what he thought of it seemed wrong. It must have been the longest walk he'd ever been on, the sun slowly disappearing the the sky slowly darkening the cave beckoning like a five star hotel, Dunn just wanted to lie down. But he couldn't yet, Fawlkes still had one last place to go.

Adventures in the Public Domain: Tim Dawson

This week on Tim Dawson, the fiery conclusion...

Page Nine


The comics this spoof is based on is believed by the author of this blog to be public domain, if they are not then apologies and they will be removed post haste upon notification.

As Seen on TV: What did you do? part one...

Women what is it exactly you did in the company of the advertising people, to make them think you were complete raging fucktards? It must have been something pretty major, because I swear they must think you have the mental capacity of lobotomised frogs. Was there a meeting you and they had where they asked you a few questions and the only thing you answered with was, 'oh I can get that stain out if you like'. Far be it from me to question the logic and techniques of the advertising industry, being a twenty something male. All the adverts targeted at me are about sex, drugs and fast cars, and mostly at the same time.

And in honestly that's what we (twenty something males) care about. Hey what can I say, we are sick freaks. But ladies, I mean Jesus, apparently there is three things you care about. How your house smells, stains, and... freshness... you know, downstairs. But your love dungeon aside, what exactly happened along the line to make those first two things your key demos for marketing.

Lets take a look at the first example, I've talked about this company before. Airwick, the company that seems to see fit to categorise women into different classes by representing them as animals. The Ostrich is who we look at this time, I guess its about racist women then. Don't question my logic! Anyway advert opens Ostrich comes on screen talking about empty nesting when her son comes home. He wants her to do a load of his washing. Nicely she obliges because, lets face it shes a forty something housewife with no other life skills and nothing better to do, what else is going to happen, she hits the sauce and plays video poker?

Anyway it turns out all the clothes are already clean, signified by the fact they still have the shop tags on. Now this raises two questions first, who the fuck doesn't wash clothes from a shop before they wear them first, its just common sense. Unless you want to be another in the long line that is the herpes train. Secondly, why the hell is dipshit Mc'Ostrich visiting his mother? Answer, to smell. Yep that's right he came all the way to his mothers home, to smell. AIRWICK AIR FRESHENERS, BRIBE YOUR CHILDREN TO VISIT YOU WITH THE SCENT OF LAVENDER AND GUILT. What in the powerful levels of torque fuck are they on about?

Shit I know the one thing I love to do more than anything is go and smell peoples houses. Well after, lets say just a few things, its almost my favorite thing to do. Really? I mean really? Do they really think that's going to work? Your children will visit you if your house smells good. Of course we (the young and hip) don't really dig the smell of bleach and oatmeal that much. But unless your house smells of chocolate cake, marijuana, or hot lesbian sex then your adult son is not going to be enticed back to your house by the use of scent.