Friday, March 24, 2006

As seen on TV: Toilet puppies

Well I'm back kids I admit I've been a little lazy recently, but what with being the pope and all I think you can forgive me, and if you cant then you may be in for a bit of a hot vacation, Do you get the drift. But this week we turn our eyes back to the vast expanse of the idiocy and complete illogic that is the tv. Yes kids its time to open the filing cabinet and dive in head first and examine another gem of stupidity from the realms of the advertisements.

This time around its not just a single ad, no lord no its an entire campaign based around from the premise i can gather to be one of the single worst ideas I have ever heard, Even in terms of advertising this is a doosy. So what is it you ask, of copurse you'd ask that wouldnt you your not here for the ambience are you, ...are you? No your not, Kleenex is the answer your looking for, yes its those titans of the tissue that we grumble at. You may think that this fine company would not have any possible marks against its name, but you would be wrong, wouldnt you.

You've all seen the ads featuring that lovely little Labrador puppy, galivanting around with its little baby companion, you think oh how cute as the voice over from the puppy playfully exclaims that the kid may have learning difficulties because "Hes older than I am and he cant even walk" Oh how cute the kid could be a cripple but the puppy is just adorable isnt he. Now here is where things start going wrong, the point of the ad apart from no doubt informing the mother that her child is mentally deficient, is to spread the word that Kleenex toilet paper is the softest thing you could place between you bot bot.

Or is it. We are shown the pack of the toilet tissue, and on it is the same puppy that previously informed us of the childs obvious difficulties, but wait, what does this mean, the juxtaposition of a small soft puppy next to rolls of toilet tissue, the only thing i can gather from this absolute ingenious suggestion is that the only thing you should clean your crevace with is either Kleenex toilet tissue or a Labrador puppy, namely the two softest things in the world. Now after the puppy has insulted the mothers child about his obvious lack of physical and meantal capacity she may well want to jam the puppy into a dark corner, but i personally can see the inspiration behind this one.

So kids what have we learned, Some puppys have advanced degrees in child development and they can also double for toilet paper should you run out of Kleenex, after all it says so on the pack.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Well what did you want with your chicken

Well kids this time we leave the TV alone although there is still plenty of subjects for us to examine this week we turn our gaze to the world of fast food. The vast expanse of fat and furious marketing to try and lead us into a frenzy of finger licking madness. And how shall we do this, well kids on a recent journey to the Holy land, Texas USA, I Pope Terry was lucky enough to visit the site of the greatest piece of human achievemnet in the history of man kind, yes you know what I'm taking about the very site where the Coloneol discover his secret blend of herbs and spices, covered a bit of Chicken in them and then fryed the sh* t out of it. The very kitchen were he had worked so furiously hust like god to create this food of angels this poultry ambrosure.

I gazed at the walls in wonder to my delight I saw something that picked my heart up and took it to the heights of heaven and then back into my body. Yes it was the original Kentucy Fried Commandments. The very same Commandments that are used in the formation of every store across the globe. I move closer to the Sacred parchment and read:

1. Thou shalt never reveal the secret recipe;
two parts salt, one part chicken, another 76 parts salt
upon punishment of no over time pay on weekends

2. Thy menu should contain two things Chicken and Potato, put coleslaw there as well but no one will buy it so dont bother making it.

3. Thy shalt offer up sizers to everyone no matter how obese they may be.

4. The black gold "pepsi" shalt never run out and shall be stored at the front of the fridge in front of the water and the orange juice

5. Any vegetable matter shalt be wilted and taste less, to ensure that people only buy meat

6. Thou shalt deny the only reason people eat the chicken is for the skin until death

7. Thou shalt remain open all night so drunk patrons may gorge themselves and there wallet contents in the store

8. Thou shalt only employ security personel with no experience or training

9. Thy drive through shall be inadequalty narrow and impossible for any car to navigate through.

10. If in doubt deep fry it

Then to my great surprise and delight we were aloud to go into the concept shop, to try all the new products, first there was a variety bucket that had peices of chicken, chicken wings, chicken strips, chicken legs, chicken nuggets, potato mashies, chips, and potato and gravy. Wow what a range so much....... chicken and ....... potato. But waht really excited me was the new product, chicken skin in a bucket. Its a 44 gallon drum of KFC chicken skin, what a delight.

Enjoy kids.