Sunday, December 17, 2006

The new bards: 50 the feminist

Well kids its time for another installment of your re-education. This week we move on to something new, we leave the filing cabinet alone and open up a new door into the modern world and examine the puzzling mess that passes for culture. Yes kids I have heard your cries for some new and interesting material and I will grant you your request. Today we take the first step into a journey of examining the modern bards, we like the rest of society throw Shakspeare and Tennison to the side, we need not pay any attention to them anymore, because they no longer have the legs to stand up in the modern society. Now we turn to the new generation of literary genius, the new and unique poets that hold our attention like only a train wreck could. But who do I speak of, which group could be this new archive of literary beauty, well its obvious isn't it kids, yes that's right its Rap.

Today we look at the lyrical genius that is 50 cent, namely his piece of exquisite lyrical genius "candy shop". Now I know all you kids out there are up on the latest scene so you should be familiar with this song, and if your not then shame on you, you uncultured cretin, this masterpiece deserves your attention and you just ignore it. To illustrate the beauty of this piece I have picked one line, one line that shows how 50 is indeed as much if not more of an artist than Shakspeare or Poe, could ever have hoped to be. "I'll take you to the candy shop, I'll let you lick the Lolly pop"..... lets just stop and bathe in the words for a second ..................................... oh that's magic isn't it, pure unadulterated hip-hop magic. Now you see kids, you get it now the level that 50 and others like him work on, gods among men really they are. Now some of you at this point are asking but isn't metaphor used in rap sometimes, and yes kids there is, your right and this is indeed a prime example.

You see kids there is in fact a deeper meaning to those lines, one that you have to delve into to understand and fully grasp. Now this may surprise you but in fact the lyrics in question are a metaphor for a sexual act.... I know your in shock its not what you expected, many thought it was about sugary treats, but bear with me. The act he so subtly refers to is oral in nature, yes the surprise continues, I was a little shocked to find this out as well. Now many people out there that like to refer to themselves as feminists, rather than the preferred name of Estrogen Nazis, seem to think this song is sexist, as they do of the rest of rap. Somehow the see this line as being derogatory to women, insane I know. They know not of what they speak, because in fact this song is the greatest piece of feminist artwork the modern world has seen. Its true there can be no doubt of that.

Now I know some of you weaker minded people will be swayed by the arguments of the Estrogen Nazis, weak minded fools, but lets look closer into the lyric, "I'll let you lick the Lolly pop", see that kids he said I'll let you lick the Lolly pop. That's right, dear old 50 is so surrounded by sex crazed woman that want to pleasure him orally, he has to actually consider the proposal, its not actually him that benefits form this action its in fact all woman kind. Only by letting all these women that so crave to "lick" his "Lolly pop" do this act that must be such an awful pain to him can he ever truly serve humanity. 50 truly is the greatest feminist of our time, giving women the right to do what they want, which is obviously to suck his di.......

Saturday, December 09, 2006

As seen on TV: Christmas shopping 101

Well kids its that time of year again and this time of year just wouldnt be complete without your favorite spiritual advisor (its me isnt it), opening up the vault of televisual stupidity, plunging in head first and scooping out a huge mess of idiocy from the vast array that makes up christmas advertising. Yes kids its christmas and along with all the food and presents, and other small matters of JC's birthday, the holidays are filled with commercials that traverse the thin line between gob smackingly innane, and down right insane.

Firstly let us turn our attention towards officeworks, yes the emporium of pens and p[aper that brings that special feeling to the pants of many an accountant. The ad featurtes a rather creepy little altar boy, and other assorted christmas critters singing about the vast array of gifts available at office works..... in fact the claim that frosty the pint sized snowman makes is that officeworks indeed has all your gift needs. Lets use our imaginations kiddies, thats if they still work, christmas moring young Timmy flies down the stairs juiced up on red cordial and ADD meds straight to the tacky green tree sitting in the middle of the tacky green room, which is in a tacky green middle class suburban neighbourhood. He picks up the first package with his name on it. Card reads "To Timmy form Santa", filled with anticipation about the latest Nurf weaponary, or the action dolly with the kung-fu grip, and instant wi-fi connectivity, he rips open the package to find a much better gift of a pack of 256 sheets of hole punched foolscap, with 'Timmy' letterhead. Much better than the emote control Paris Hilton he wanted with four life like phrases including "Blow jobs are fun". (also available in Lindsay Lohan)

And Gramndma has always wanted that hole punch and stapler combo, it doesnt matter her arthritis keeps her from even clenching her first its the thought that counts. And uncle Dave, wierd uncle Dave will love that new digital camera, with telephoto lense, no more development costs for him, and those looks he gets from the guy behind the kodak counter when he gets his photos of him and his friend, inflatable Susie, well those just wont exist. Yes officeworks does indeed have something for everyone.

But the saving grace of christmas advertising doesnt end there, no we also have the thrilling commercial for Castle hampers, the service that lets familys to stupid to not save 2 dollars a week, save 2 dollars a week so they can enjoy, a hamper full of crap from a magical pig. Yes kids you to can save your small change for a year and spend big this christmas or you can leave it in the hands of castle hampers and there magical bacon demon. According to the spokeswoman who accompanies Baccox magical pig demon and spokes pig for Castle, the system isnt some sort of payment plan or lay by system it is magic. Magic done by the magic bacon demon that Castle keep locked up in thier headquarters located somewhere in the mystical realm of Narnia.

I wonder if this claim of magic would work for banks,

Me: "Wheres all my money gone, your charges have gone through the roof"
Bank teller: "Its magic"
Me: "By zeus's crutch thats fantastic, I thought only Castle hampers had magic"

Well its out there no kids so dont blame me when it happens, but what can we learn from officeworks and from castle hampers. Well for one everyone loves stationary, whetether its your hypo six year old, your porn loving uncle, or your increasingly confused grandma. That and easy payment plans dont exist, its really a magical pig demon and some bird in a tight shirt.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Bad news kids: Swimming through current affairs

What news kids..... what I'm back oh yes, its been a while, but extended stays at beety ford will do that to you, so much coke............ oh right back to the news at hand. The news, as you all know I am a huge fan of swimming, all those tall shaven people going up and down up and down up and down up and down up and down up and down up and down up and down....... sorry goit stuck in a boredom circuit. Any way there is all these shiny shaven people going up and down, theres only slightly more shiny shaven people at Mardi-gra..... swimmers arent as wet though..... wierd. But the point yes it keeps getting lost but i keep finding it slapping it on the arse and sending its way to you so stop complaining, it will get there eventually. As a huge fan of swimming, I was devestated to find out that Ian "I'm not gay" Thorpe was retiring......... I've only just stopped crying trust me it was devastating, who know will carry the torch for Australias pointless sports. Where will we look to for giant taught shaven me who are willing to wear pearl necklaces. Then it hits me oh its perfect..... Jesus, yes thats right our lord and saviour and creator of the new "El saviour bun and thigh saver" Jesus Norman Christ. All we have to do is find him, resurect him and bingo gold in Bejing......

So thorpes gone but Jesus is coming so dont worry but now we must move on the the biggest shock of the year, yes thats right kids Naomi "I'll show you the correct way to jackhammer" Robson, will no longer be gracing our tv screens with her devilish, yes I eat babies smile. Where to now I ask, is Australian tv dead, well yes it is but it died years ago, funnily enough about the time Naomi came on. Can we trust the throne of Today Tonight to another, will they have the same ability to make thirteen year old mums called Sharon garner any scrap of sympathy. Will all the shonky builders now be rejoicing for the enemy has been felled, where will horny house bound men turn to for storys about the perfect bra..... what those are for women........ ok so they might be but its hard to resist some good boob action at six thirty in the evening. Is tabloid current affairs in good hands at seven well yes it is because again friends we can turn to the man the myth the holy carpenter Jesus. When hes not swimming for Australia he will be hosting Today Tonight, if you dont believe me look in the bible, its there somewhere.

So kids does this mean I'm back, well maybe it does, it all depends on my tendency to relapse into laziness, or my coke habit. But what of Naomi you ask wheres she going, well the seventh layer of hell always seemed good, or maybe Wa wa's finally going to have a mummy, or and this is the way I'm leaning she is going to become the new bass player for Megadeth. Where ever she goes we all know she be a star of brightly shining spiteful tabloid journalism.... but theres always room at the Vatican, we've been thinking of bringing crucifictions back.