Politico three: The year in...

Well this is a special occasion kids I’m actually being inspired by an original idea. I’m pretty sure it is original; if it’s not original just don’t tell who ever came up with it. In recent days some of you out there in blogland have celebrated Halloween, the wonderful day where people dress up and ask for candy, under threat of something awkward happening to your house. I’m Australian, well the last time I checked I was, and we don’t celebrate this little date. At least most of us don’t, all the ones with enough courtesy to not inflict the torture of interaction with our neighbours don't. But while this date rolled by I noticed something, that many of the dates we celebrate through out the year are perfect representations of political theories and systems. And again if they are not, if my education fails me and I’m so insanely wrong its embarrassing, just don’t tell me. I’m not sure my tiny brain and massive ego can take any more punishment.

Lets start with Halloween, the very essence of Socialism and the socialist government wrapped up in one poorly dressed little bundle. So kids every where dress up in all sorts of different little costumes parade around the street and hope to get lots and lots of lollies sweets and candy, to stick in their mouths and increase their already hefty waistline. All the while hoping to not get an apple with a razor blade hidden in it from that crazy bloke up the road… or even worse a normal apple. But how you ask, is Halloween like socialism, well here you go. Hundreds of people dressed in rags or whatever else passes for costume, show up at your door and demand treats for absolutely nothing. This free handout is then given under the threat of your house being egged or dog crap being smeared across your door. So that’s it, treats for nothing, no matter what depraved monstrous character you turn up as, its as if Marx himself slipped on a Freddy Krueger mask and started asking for jelly beans.

Christmas, everyone’s favourite holiday. Let's forget for a moment that more than half the world doesn’t celebrate it, and just keep imagining the whole world does. Christmas much to Ronald Reagan’s dismay is communism, oh you can hear him rolling in his grave cant you, quiet Ronny. Any way lets look at it closer, a guy in a red (Ha red get it RED… RED, like… ah forget it) suit comes around and hands out gifts to everyone. It’s really quite wonderful, but then everyone pretends it’s not about commercialism and consumerism and pretends to care about each other for the good of the whole. And then again there is the guy in the red suit, giving gifts to everyone from his massive elf fortress prison in Siberia… we all know that’s where it is, not the North Pole. Need more proof that Santa is a jack booted thug intent on turning everyone into commies… well I don’t have any.

Well Regan wouldnt be happy would he, but i'm telling you, Old Saint Nic is a card carry member of the 'Red Club'

Valentines Day, ah the lover’s day, that special day of the year where lovers can be together and celebrate in all their fascist glory… WHAT? Yes that’s right kids Valentines day most closely resembles fascism in its nature, let me explain why. So the date rolls around and hubby/boyfriend/stalker, is either going to forget about it entirely. Or do something so incredibly stupid and boring, that you ladies, yes you, will line him up in front of a firing squad and have him shot for treason. Why he betrayed his government he doesn’t know, he thought you liked monster trucks and beer nights, honestly. He was happy living under your control ladies, until it was up to him to do something, and then he did it wrong. Terrible I know, but if you (ladies out there) want something romantic and worth remembering, you’re going to need an iron grip over this little celebration.

Come on ladies you know you cant leave it up to Cupid to fill your significant other in on how to make it a special day... TAKE charge!

Easter… easter, easter, easter, who knows what on earth this one is all about, rabbits, chocolate eggs, dudes with goatees being tortured. It all seems a little crazy, but let’s face it, what would you expect in the democracy of the years holidays. Why is it democracy? Well because it is just so stupid, it’s as if they had all these bits from other holidays left over and threw it all together to make one giant stupid holiday. What ever you want you got, giant rodents, chocolate eggs and nail gun accidents, just like democracy. Because in democracy any idiot has the ability to decide the direction of the country, and that idiot obviously put together Easter. Of course in both there are important underlying ideals, don’t get me wrong. Easter has self sacrifice, and all that other good stuff from the bible, while democracy is power of the people in all its glory. But it just turns out that both are so ridiculous that we end up voting idiots into office and celebrating the death of a saviour by eating chocolate eggs delivered by a giant rabbit.

Now it’s a struggle to come up with another yearly celebration, but I think there is one more I can ruin for you all. The big party of the year, New Years Eve, the night of drunken joy and grab ass with your close friends and work colleagues. The time of year when you make all sorts of promises and resolutions with yourself about how much better, your life is going to be in the next year of your life. What could this event possible have in common with any political model; well it’s not a model really per se a political and social event. An upheaval if you will, yes New Year is the revolution of the yearly calendar of events and dates. But unlike the political sense where a revolution is the downfall of an old government and the installation of a new improved and publicly endorsed government. This revolution is more in the terms of going from one point doing a circle and ending up in the same place you left, except this time you have a slight hangover and your wearing someone else’s underwear. Yes you can promise your self all kinds of different things. But when you start the year with the taste of spearmint and vomit in your mouth, how successfully do you think these promises are going to turn out, especially when you started the last year the same way. So like many real political revolutions that have removed corrupt leaders only to put another in place, New Years Eve always brings the same disappointment a few weeks after the event. Just be thankful that we don’t get shot for not quitting smoking, walking the dog more, and stop sending hate mail to the ‘Red Wiggle’ like we promised.

So there we are, my brilliant likening of yearly celebrations to different political ideals/events/models. Wasn’t it a laugh, well it was for me and I hope it was for you as well. A few things before I leave you for another while to wander off into the scary exterior world, watch out for the Giant Monkey Prey Mantis, be nice to Sci-fi fans, and don’t let the darkness eat you up (it was on the radio).

Pope Terry aiming just beyond mediocrity.

Humor-blogs.com loves a dirty commie.