As seen on TV: Reality Bites

Ok kids here we are again back for another dose of idiocy, you must all be gluttons for punishment for returning again after the last instalment of stupidity. But here you are again ready and willing for that big spoonful of loving. A quick update for you all first, in case you didn’t know in case your head has been buried under piles and piles of whatever it is people bury there heads in, Australia has a new Prime Minister. But you all already new that didn’t you it was all over your news broadcasts and newspapers, showing you all that were not the piss ant little country Sweden thinks we are… Ha! cop that Sweden. Any way Kevin ‘07’ Rudd has been hoisted above the rest of the criminals, colonists and miscreants meaning for the next four years, things will be exactly the same as they have been for the last eleven, except everything blue will now be red. I trust you all know who Kevin Rudd is, he eats ear wax, I’m sure if you put that into a youtube search you’ll find out why every Australian is collectively shouting they voted for the other guy. But not me kids no this little donkey voted for the National Socialist Alliance, so yes that’s right, I threw my vote away. But what the hell it’s a democracy it’s my choice. Back to point though, the reason you’re here yet again, this time children it’s another fresh instalment of ‘As seen on TV’.

In this heady world today kids many things fill the ether, one such thing is the familiar signal of the TV broadcasts. Buzzing through the air delivering entertainment goodness to the homes of you, me and every other person with nothing else better to do like talk to there loved ones. And thanks to the current climate in America where those pesky screen writers are after ‘fair’ compensation for their ‘work’, that signal is soon to be clogged up with broadcasts that don’t take as much creative input to produce. Now that might mean repeats of ‘Quincy’, or the star wars movies for the seventieth time, but those with more sense can smell it on the wind. The coming storm. Much like that scene from ‘War of the Worlds’ but without the annoying midget the winds rage as the coming storm front rolls in, yes people ‘Reality Television’ is returning… Yaaaaaaaaarrrgghhhh, and so on. I know you all dread it as much as I do, even though sometimes it can be a little addicting, like crack but less socially acceptable. But ‘it’ is not here yet kids, so prepare, go by some DVDs of shows you liked or missed, or better yet download them and really piss those screen writers off.

But since this is the Diary, I have to volunteer my services and plough through some of the crap that’s on now, and has been on recently. Just to fill you in as a warning of sorts, so you know what to avoid. Now reality television is a funny thing isn’t it, take a situation that would never happen in real life slap in some idiots, and some cameras to film them, don’t forget the smarmy host of course, and there is your show. And whatever crazy scenario the producers can come up with is supposed to pass for reality. Lets look at some examples, ‘The Age of Love’, the latest in the line of particularly sickening scenarios that have been screened. First take one hunk, in this case it was Australian tennis ‘Star’, Mark ‘the Scud’ Philippoussis. Now this is the first thing that’s really laughable about this show, Mark can play tennis, but going with that argument then I’m also properly qualified to give psychiatric advice because I can talk. No doubt he is better than me at swinging a racket, but here in Australia he’s fair more respected for having bunked down with Paris Hilton, as much respect as that can give you.

The Floater loves... Lamp?

Now ‘the Scud’ also known as the ‘Poo’, and even more aptly known as the ‘Floater’ is plonked in the middle of two groups of women, one set some young nubile little things ready to start their journey down the road of whoredom and plastic surgery, if the hadn’t already, whilst the other group, were their leathery slutty future selves, but with a little more self respect. And so the two groups pawned over the one man clawing at each other and crushing each others self confidence, in a display of feminism that would see Larry Flynt shaking his head and saying, ‘ladies, ladies have some self respect’. And on the charade went for weeks until the ‘Floater’ inevitably chose a woman from the younger set, over the one that was only slightly younger than his mother. I’m glad to say this show flopped, but knowing American TV executives, get ready for another season sometime soon, because crap or not it’s cheap to make.

Moving onto another love based reality show we get to ‘Beauty and the Geek’, the show that proves everyone who isn’t attractive is a loser, don’t you feel sorry for all those unfortunate people, I know I do. The concept of the show, take a group of hot young women and place them in a house with a bunch of nerds so socially inept you could consider them mentally defunct. Yes they can do a Rubik’s cube in ten seconds flat, but you just know that at high school they spent more time with the heads in a toilet bowl than not. Now I’m not saying that anyone deserves to be picked on, but sometimes people are just so annoying and caught up in their own self importance that they need a dam good beating, and I’m not talking about the beauties. Look at them their so pretty, and they have been told this there whole lives they cant help being as thick as thick thing at the annual thick convention.

But at least their pretty, the Geeks on the other hand are all basically useless human beings, yes there smart, but they have the social skills of Dugongs. Sure they can interact and talk with other Dugongs, but take them out of there habitat and you have a giant flouncing mammal with the social grace of a lump of seaweed. Let us take a gander at the current seasons crop of losers shall we, one such person springs to mind, his name is of no importance its what he does that really interests me. He and he’s quite proud brag about it tracks monkeys with lasers. Now whether he is some how using refracted beams of light to trace monkeys through a jungle, or there is a breed of cybernetic chimp out there with plasma blasters grown into it that he somehow tracks, is what really fascinates me. Why I don’t know, but the line ‘I track monkeys with lasers’ could be the greatest line of dialogue anyone will ever hear. But eventually there must be a winner, a couple formed of the two groups that triumphs over the rest of the pack to win some big cash prize.

An artists depiction of the 'Laser Monkeys'

Along the way there are tears and tantrums and the usual ‘I just can’t believe how much I’ve grown’, ‘I don’t know how girls like us can treat guys like that the way we do’. Well I’ll tell you why, it is because they are losers, and just because you don’t give them a chance because you don’t find them attractive is nothing to beat yourself up about. Physical attraction is a core element to any relationship, plus when you couple that with the fact that they know more about the warp engines on the Enterprise than how to hold a conversation, you can’t be blamed for not going out with them before this. On its surface it’s a harmless show, but its when you scrape the surface you get a better view of its filth, for a start all the women are stupid, and we all know that there are smart attractive women out there… somewhere. So it’s a little sickening to see women who think their IQ is ‘3000’ and that the Sun is a planet, represent beautiful women. Likewise the Geeks, there are plenty of attractive Geeks out there, there is… ah… and… okay it’s a bad joke but they do exist. I guess I’m just sick of the stereotype of smart people being ugly and nerdish while the pretty ones are bimbos and knuckle draggers.

Actual scene from the hit series 'Beauty and the Geek'

Moving on again we get to the most perplexing case of reality TV, the one show that really truly delves into the lives of the ‘other’ half and shows us what its like to live in the lap of luxury, ‘The Simple Life’. Ah the show Paris Hilton blew some guy on the internet to promote, what a truly marvellous piece of entertainment it is, and was and probably always shall be. How this could ever pass for reality is beyond me, two semi attractive well known celebrities’ show up at various spots around America and are given jobs normal people like you, have to do when you are not reading my blog. Happens every day doesn’t it, well maybe it just happens to me, however the true point to this show lurks in the responses that the two girls give to having to do menial task we all do every day. But who is the joke on, and who is telling it. Is it Paris and Nicole/other random famous for no reason blonde, pretending to be stupid whilst pointing out how rich they are for whatever their parents did. Is it the producers of the show for this excruciating fish out of water crap where all you want to do is squeeze the fish in a vice till they stop breathing, whilst they (the producers) rake in bucket loads of cash. Or is it us the audience for mocking the two idiotic rich white girls for not being able to manage the simplest of things. Whilst secretly yearning to be that rich for even just a day. Well sadly it is probably a mixture of all three; yes we can sit back and laugh at them for being ridiculously inept, but at the end of the day remember, they are both worth millions of dollars. Those two talent less brain dead monkeys with little more than brains of a lemur to rub between them have more money than you could spend in a life, and you’re laughing at them for not being able to reverse a trailer. Reality Bites.

And it always will kids, but thems the cards we are dealt and we should deal with it. I hope your decision on what to watch in the upcoming desert of entertainment that is the writers guild strike, has been made easier. Of course my prediction of a mass of reality TV might be wrong, we might just get loads of cheap crappy sitcoms that were canned before anyone could complain how crap they were. But here is hoping, for what, who knows?

Pope Terry aiming just beyond mediocrity.

There is loads of reality over at humor-blogs.com