Well kids as its up and approaching the turn of season both here and abroad, and as thousands of lower and middle class people are strapping fanny packs, bum bags, or travel pouches onto there ever increasing waist lines. I thought I'd bring you another dose of advice to help you avoid the usual trappings of the holiday season no matter where you are. Now in this modern day of low airfares and budget flyer's, it means that all assortment of bogans and social welfare vampires can now afford trips overseas, to those places you used to go to avoid them. So what to do, where to go, and who to avoid when your there. It's not as easy as you might think or there would be places you could go to buy holidays that are specially made, some sort of agent for travel.... but since they don't exist... (alright maybe they do but there part of the problem,) I'll give you my advice on world travel.
Location, is the first thing you would think of when planning a holiday, and by that logic is the first point many make a mistake. Imagine this scenario:
Horis Gump sits in his kitchen sweating excessively even though its the middle of a cold English winter. He flicks through a travel brochure, until something takes his eye,
Gump: "Ai-ight mum, have a look at this place, loverly sunny Iraq,
Alright stop there you mongoloid, tip one, and this is a big one, WAR= DEATH, DEATH= BAD. Now when planning a holiday, one must do a little research, firstly the news would be a nice spot to start, if the place you want to visit is in the news for any reason not involving cats stuck in trees or daffodils, don't go there! Special words to look out for are 'innocent bystanders', 'insurgents', 'explosive', 'Dutch', 'death toll'.
Tip two is closely related to the first tip, if your going on holiday to anywhere where you might be called something similar to, "Filthy western pig dog" or "Sh*t eating Infidel", is also a skip, especially if your white, American, and like to advertise the fact with a lovely I love America
t-shirt. Travel tip three, also involves Death and its general suckiness when it comes to continuing living. Many travel destinations involve lots of wonderful jungles and swamps and all sorts of landscapes that are inhabited by lots of cuddly and deadly animals. If for some reason you would need to take a rather large needle to avoid dying before you go there though, maybe you should reconsider your trip.
Excited traveller on phone: "Hello Dr Sphincter...Of course that's an rough idea of what would happen, so the lesson for tip three, if it requires a doctor approaching you with a large bore needle containing a concoction similar to the monkey from Outbreak... DON'T GO THERE. Tip four is related to tip three, if for some reason you didn't listen to tip three and got the whole Dustin Hoffman treatment, and your now on some stingy canoe in the middle of the Amazon deltas being showed around by Pablo and his 7 Shetland pony powered outboard, then go blow a goat, honestly if your not going to listen to this advice then you deserve what ever you get. For those that want to know the reason for all those chemicals and shots the Dr gave you, then listen up. Yes on vacation to many wonderful countries you will find many and varied ways of dying, many of which involve poo, and its rapid exit from your person. Either that or its a very similar scenario to many a horror movie.
Haahahahahahahahahahaha... sorry Dr, I'm going on holiday to South America, and
heard I needed some shots, could you give me some information.... like
what, erh what types of diseases could I get.... Biggles disease... whats
that.... Oh it turns you into a homosexual world war two pilot.... sounds
nasty, what else.... Stingelpussectomotosis..... wha.... so its... in the
arse..... and will it ever fall off..... 5 years or radiotherapy...... Bon Jovi
eh... and I'll actually think I'm Swedish..... well where do I sign."
Austrian backpacker Yurgen: "Helo I is Yurgen this is my video diary, for
Coroner: "Hmmm, yes this was in
the video camera that we pulled out of
his left hand, if we keep watching we
see where the rest of the body
So nature is the fourth tip, nature and its many wonderful and interesting ways of dealing the great shaven ape his death. If your going to likely pick up a parasite that will turn you stomach into a luxury penthouse for it and its many other 'Homies' until a Dr can surgically remove it and half you digestive tract, or if a rather large beasty is going to easily eye you off as brunch, I would suggest you go somewhere else.
Tip five, is completely removed from the rest, as the previous four involved death coming to you, tip five will in fact save you from bringing death on yourself. Suicide on a holiday, that could only mean one thing, yes that's right kids, remember those bogans and social welfare vampires mentioned at the start, well the ones that aren't sunning themselves till they resemble David Dickinson's arse on a beach in Ibiza, (IBBBIIIFA, in English coke head) because they couldn't afford even to travel in the cargo hold of the budget airlines, have packed a small baggy headed six miles down the road and purchased a weekend in a small box on wheels. Yes kids its caravan parks. Its communal showers, fungal infections and midnight visits from that guy who really shouldn't have his shirt off, his slutty wife and there two amped little treasures. That's right, those neighbours you desperately wanted to escape, if only for a weekend, well you did but you moved right next to the more annoying less evolved cousins.
So some passing advice, don't punch old people, don't feed the ducks, fireworks usually happen at night, loud noises during the day are generally bad. That's the advice you get for travel, what does it tell you, well it means that half the world is off limits, it just so happens that's the nicer half of the world. It also says your never going to escape the bastards next door no matter where you go.
PS. Just remember that your someone else's bastard, you just have to figure out who.