Friday, March 30, 2007

A lesson in self help: Travel tips

Well kids as its up and approaching the turn of season both here and abroad, and as thousands of lower and middle class people are strapping fanny packs, bum bags, or travel pouches onto there ever increasing waist lines. I thought I'd bring you another dose of advice to help you avoid the usual trappings of the holiday season no matter where you are. Now in this modern day of low airfares and budget flyer's, it means that all assortment of bogans and social welfare vampires can now afford trips overseas, to those places you used to go to avoid them. So what to do, where to go, and who to avoid when your there. It's not as easy as you might think or there would be places you could go to buy holidays that are specially made, some sort of agent for travel.... but since they don't exist... (alright maybe they do but there part of the problem,) I'll give you my advice on world travel.

Location, is the first thing you would think of when planning a holiday, and by that logic is the first point many make a mistake. Imagine this scenario:
Horis Gump sits in his kitchen sweating excessively even though its the middle of a cold English winter. He flicks through a travel brochure, until something takes his eye,

Gump: "Ai-ight mum, have a look at this place, loverly sunny Iraq,
oobout thart"

Alright stop there you mongoloid, tip one, and this is a big one, WAR= DEATH, DEATH= BAD. Now when planning a holiday, one must do a little research, firstly the news would be a nice spot to start, if the place you want to visit is in the news for any reason not involving cats stuck in trees or daffodils, don't go there! Special words to look out for are 'innocent bystanders', 'insurgents', 'explosive', 'Dutch', 'death toll'.
Tip two is closely related to the first tip, if your going on holiday to anywhere where you might be called something similar to, "Filthy western pig dog" or "Sh*t eating Infidel", is also a skip, especially if your white, American, and like to advertise the fact with a lovely I love America
t-shirt. Travel tip three, also involves Death and its general suckiness when it comes to continuing living. Many travel destinations involve lots of wonderful jungles and swamps and all sorts of landscapes that are inhabited by lots of cuddly and deadly animals. If for some reason you would need to take a rather large needle to avoid dying before you go there though, maybe you should reconsider your trip.

Excited traveller on phone: "Hello Dr Sphincter...
Haahahahahahahahahahaha... sorry Dr, I'm going on holiday to South America, and
heard I needed some shots, could you give me some information.... like
what, erh what types of diseases could I get.... Biggles disease... whats
that.... Oh it turns you into a homosexual world war two pilot.... sounds
nasty, what else.... Stingelpussectomotosis..... wha.... so its... in the
arse..... and will it ever fall off..... 5 years or radiotherapy...... Bon Jovi
eh... and I'll actually think I'm Swedish..... well where do I sign."
Of course that's an rough idea of what would happen, so the lesson for tip three, if it requires a doctor approaching you with a large bore needle containing a concoction similar to the monkey from Outbreak... DON'T GO THERE. Tip four is related to tip three, if for some reason you didn't listen to tip three and got the whole Dustin Hoffman treatment, and your now on some stingy canoe in the middle of the Amazon deltas being showed around by Pablo and his 7 Shetland pony powered outboard, then go blow a goat, honestly if your not going to listen to this advice then you deserve what ever you get. For those that want to know the reason for all those chemicals and shots the Dr gave you, then listen up. Yes on vacation to many wonderful countries you will find many and varied ways of dying, many of which involve poo, and its rapid exit from your person. Either that or its a very similar scenario to many a horror movie.

Austrian backpacker Yurgen: "Helo I is Yurgen this is my video diary, for
ien myspace
Coroner: "Hmmm, yes this was in
the video camera that we pulled out of
his left hand, if we keep watching we
see where the rest of the body
went. "

So nature is the fourth tip, nature and its many wonderful and interesting ways of dealing the great shaven ape his death. If your going to likely pick up a parasite that will turn you stomach into a luxury penthouse for it and its many other 'Homies' until a Dr can surgically remove it and half you digestive tract, or if a rather large beasty is going to easily eye you off as brunch, I would suggest you go somewhere else.

Tip five, is completely removed from the rest, as the previous four involved death coming to you, tip five will in fact save you from bringing death on yourself. Suicide on a holiday, that could only mean one thing, yes that's right kids, remember those bogans and social welfare vampires mentioned at the start, well the ones that aren't sunning themselves till they resemble David Dickinson's arse on a beach in Ibiza, (IBBBIIIFA, in English coke head) because they couldn't afford even to travel in the cargo hold of the budget airlines, have packed a small baggy headed six miles down the road and purchased a weekend in a small box on wheels. Yes kids its caravan parks. Its communal showers, fungal infections and midnight visits from that guy who really shouldn't have his shirt off, his slutty wife and there two amped little treasures. That's right, those neighbours you desperately wanted to escape, if only for a weekend, well you did but you moved right next to the more annoying less evolved cousins.

So some passing advice, don't punch old people, don't feed the ducks, fireworks usually happen at night, loud noises during the day are generally bad. That's the advice you get for travel, what does it tell you, well it means that half the world is off limits, it just so happens that's the nicer half of the world. It also says your never going to escape the bastards next door no matter where you go.

PS. Just remember that your someone else's bastard, you just have to figure out who.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

A lesson in self help: Cops

Well kids its that time again, time for another dose of the regular insanity from your favorite Internet crank. This time its a visit back, in my previous life I wrote self help books for Buddhist monks, the market was small but I had a monopoly, so the going was good. So today we return as i offer some gems of wisdom for all you losers out there to swallow, or gargle and then spit back out like some cheap seventies porn star. But what can I offer, that you don't already have, the great unwashed and there many problems are more than I can handle you say, rubbish your being stupid as usual, and that's the main reason you need this dose of sanity. So kids put down the crack pipes and the porn magazines and all the rest of the perverse trash your indulging in, (don't worry there is new perversity just up the road, so relax) and come with me on a spiritual journey that will cleanse your mind the way a kick in the crotch would.

A while ago someone said something that stuck with me, "I love Cops", and of course we all know the immortal and immoral Bill Hicks gave us that quote about the great American TV show Cops, now while the audience cheered and screamed with delight, while I listened on my headphones, this struck a cord. Now we all know the rest of the reason Bill loved Cops, those immortal words are etched into every ones mind. And I would agree with that, those reasons are more than valid for my liking and if that's all the show offered then that would still be fine. But last night came a new reason to watch Cops, and as this is self help entry, the nature of this new reason should be self evident. So officer Phil and his camera man lackey pull over a car full of young lads out on the town for some action, after the inevitable pulling of the officers gun and the nice police officer talking down to the suspects, a rather strange discovery is made. Two of the suspects have made the brilliant choice of placing there stash of drugs in there..... how would you say..... poop chute. After a strange encounter where one young man spreads eagle and craps a syringe, there are a few arrests made and that should be the end to it.

But no, as good officers of the law, officer Phil, decides to talk to the young man with the penchant for shoving pointy things in his bot bot. Questions, answers, you know the way a conversation works, and then this gem of intellectual stimulus for the young lad, and for all of you.

"If your at the point where your shoving syringes up your rectum, maybe you need
to think about where your going" Officer Phil 2007.

Yes kids that's the quote of the millennium, never again shall words inspire more than those few right there. Forget Tony Robins, forget Martin Luther king, forget Jesus, officer Phil is here and is going to save everyone. So kids get the message, its a tough one I know but if you can decipher its cryptic meaning then I'm sure your life will improve. There it is, that's the reason I love Cops, not for seeing the finest law enforcement on the face of the planet carried out on the stupidest drunkest and most incapable criminals in the world. Its for the sheer ingenuity of the advice that you get.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

As seen on TV: The sideshow without the circus

Yes kids after a short break and some rethinking of my direction in life I'm here again for your occasional dose of Internet inanity. This installment of the Pope Terry monologues is again from the world of television, but this time it is different. Now now kids settle down change is a good thing, well most of the time it is, sometimes it does leave a little more to be desired, like a Micheal Jackson going from the King of Pop to some weird kind of half man half tissue paper creature with a inkling for the wrong end of young children. Hmmm, yes kids that's a lawsuit you smell, so if you could send me a check for any cash amount higher than $1000 (us), I'd be downright grateful. So yes that's right this time we are changing, the 'As seen on TV' filing cabinet has been opened and I've plunged the hand into the depths without a thought or care for my personal safety. Imagine you dropped the remote under the couch and you shove your hand in there without a thought, then just as you have you think, oh Christ (that's ten hail Marie's for talking his name in vain) what if there is something under there. Well that's what I did and kids exactly the thing I was a afraid was under there was the thing I pulled out.

AARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH...., but what kids was I so afraid of, this was not the usual fair, this was not promo or advert or even advertorial. No kids this was worse, this was actual programming, yes kids for the first time 'As seen on TV' will be dealing with an actual TV show, you remember them don't you, there the things between commercial breaks for the Ringtone King's new insane monkey ring tone and the Ponds Institute natural apple anal cleansing scrub. The bits of TV where the product placement is only partially obvious, today kids we look at the show titled 'Amazing Medical Stories' or has its more likely called around the traps, 'Lets all watch some freaks for half an hour'. Firstly I don't know exactly what genre this show falls into I'd say edutainment, but then I doubt there is much educational value in learning how 400 pound Americans wash themselves, how they have relationships with other people and generally how they became giant fatties, as they are scientifically known.

Is it infotainment, a genre usually kept for those products to good to be sold in stores, that are oddly sold after midnight and just after midday, you know when all those weird people that have normal day jobs wont see them, only stoned teenagers and shift workers in that state of delirium responsible for most of Bjorks album sales.
Delirious shift worker: "oooohhhhh Bjork, I've been wanting some Icelandic pop music, that will really fill the void in my life, want to you think giant grasshopper"
Giant Grasshopper: "I think I'd like to lick your head..."
But its not really advertising, it advertises the facts that these people like to be though of as the same as everyone else, but lets face it everyone else isn't lumped together with the crab man or the amazing two headed jordie and aired on TV once a week under the banner of 'Amazing Medical Stories'.

And why do we as a accepting society still tune into shows like this, displaying the odd and different. If we are accepting of all differences and physical or mental differences then there would be no need for shows like this, no need to put people on display and tell there amazing story. Because that's all it is putting people on display, there may no longer be some goon out the front with a megaphone saying "Roll up, roll up and see the amazing 345 fingered Rabbit man", the fact that its televised and not in a tent as the side show to some 1930's circus makes no difference to the fact that it is still a side show for all the slack jawed gits and boobs to take a look at some freaks. By no means am I saying that there is no place for people with differences on TV, but to cram them all together under the poorly disguised oddity show is truly distasteful, it would be like some 20-something Australian pretending to be the Pope.... its just not funny, as that show is just not tasteful.

So kids what have we learnt from today's message, well I'm not sure, is it that we shouldn't judge people by there appearance, no it can't be, would you ask a guy in a wheelchair to climb a ladder no you wouldn't would you, appearances are important, they project our ability and lifestyle choice. Is it that people no matter how progressive a society they live in still love to ogle at difference, that could be it, it seems closer to the point. But I think the point is no matter who you are what you do, as long as your a giant fatty, you to can be on TV.