Well kids its that time again, yes time for you regular dose of who cares and all that clobber, firstly though let me congratulate my self on the supreme effort of posting nineteen social essay before this one, yes kids that's right this is the twentieth entry into the Diary of a Whipping Boy, or if your reading on myspace its not the twentieth entry and its not likely you care. So how am I celebrating the joyous occasion of posting twenty Internet whines, well I'm launching a new feature of the diary, yes thats right this entry will be something new and shiny for all you buggers to gawk at and say, "I'm sure that's the wrong word, does he even use spell check", and the answer to that is no, because I like the other better half of the worlds population am endowed with a penis, thus making me consistently correct in everything. But enough malarkey, back to the point as you may of read in the title and then used your amazing power of deduction, your probably well aware that this is a movie review. Every now and then me and the cardinals fire up the projector and enjoy motion picture entertainment in old Vatican City we really enjoyed that Pirates of the Caribbean, but you put Johnny Depp in a room with a bunch of catholic priests and well the outcome isn't really that surprising. So kids sit back put your feet up and enjoy the first of many motion picture reviews.
The first film to get the treatment you would think would be a real top class movie, Casablanca, Citizen Cane, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, but no I bypassed the top shelf, the middle shelf, the bottom shelf and even the floor, and went straight to the bin outside the shop to find this gem. Now those that can read know the film is DOA, the instant classic based on the video game. We heads of the Catholic church also love a good play on the old PlayStation's and the funcubes and the wiis, the wiis more than anything really, but any gamer will know that if you want to play a fighting game, you play Tekken, if you want to watch petite asian women with huge assets jiggle around you play DOA, with that starting point for a movie, how could you go wrong. But wrong is where it managed to plummet, within three seconds of the opening credits. Lets look at Devon Aoki, the first kick ass babe to get the look in, in the movie, she plays a princess, princess Kasumi. Now how did this young lady decide to play the young princess, of all the routes to take she took the one I really wasn't expecting. Turning to the book of shite acting methods entitled "How to 'phone' it in", young Devon decided to use the 'I've just had a stroke method' to get across all her emotions, ergo she didn't, at all. There are corpses with a better range than this young lassie, at least in this movie.
Next we turn to young Holly Valance, oh the things, the dirty filthy unmentionable things I want to do to this young lady, but I cannot mention them here (pop on over to www.dirtypontiffs/catholicpriestfantasy.com.vc to check them out). After a short lived stint (the best kind) on Australian soap Neighbours, and a less than extensive pop career, she has wound up here. I'm not sure what to say really, my one major problem was her accent, she was either trying to hide her Australian accent or she has committed the cardinal sin of Australia lost it and started speaking like shes from another country. Her one redeeming feature in this movie is that she spends most of her time half naked... apart form that there is not much more to say. Now to the shining light of the movie, Jaime Pressly the women with 'Can play white trash' as her resume'. Now that's not a bad thing, she revels in it and its the one part of the movie that makes it barely watchable, apart from of course the gratuitous arse shots. So that's the female leads, which is meat of the movie, but now we get to the vegetable part.
Eric Roberts, the guy with the same last name as that actress with the big mouth.... what there related, ooh Eric, bad luck buddy family gatherings must be bad.
Roberts Family member: "So Julia hows the career going"
Julia Roberts: "I make over twenty million a film"
Roberts Family member: "And you Eric"
Eric Roberts: "I will eat that centre piece for two hundred dollars....... I
can act dammit...... its not fair I'm older I should be the star"
Mumma Roberts: "Its OK dear we know your a star"
Anyway so Eric 'generic bad guy' Roberts takes up his usual role in his stride, not even stopping to glance at the script I'd suggest probably because there wasn't one, just a roughly drawn bunch of pictures of the various female leads straddling each other. He gets a snazzy pair of sunnies to wear and some nice kung-fu moves, though his moves require him to wear the sunglasses, to bad if he has to fight at night hey.
So that's DOA, three beautiful young ladies two that can emote, and Eric Roberts, so it's a full experience really, wait..... what.... the story....., I don't know, I think they decided it would get in the way of the boob close ups so they cut it. No harm I guess, I didn't really notice, I guess there could of been one in between ogling, kung-fu and people making reload noises with the big shiny muscles. Wrapping it up I'd say you'd hard pressed to find a movie more bottom shelf than this, to use the full new Pope Terry movie rating system Parishioner being the lowest and Pope being the highest, I'd give this an 'Altar Boy' rating... make of that what you will.