Thursday, September 27, 2007

A lesson in self help: Action?

Well kids hello again and welcome to another poorly worded into the entry of the diary. This week we do something new, well partially new. After Shecky’s rather surprising entry I think it’s about time to return to some form of normalcy and usual public service that you all come here for. Yes kids its time for another entry in the self help variety, a way to improve you shonky lives and live up to the heady expectations of the modern world. Through the week I received an email, not unusual, apart from the fact it wasn’t giving me the opportunity to view naked ladies, extend my member, or help a Nigerian queen over come her financial difficulties. It was from the lovely people at Blog Catalogue.

Yes in an attempt to increase my readership, from zero to well any number higher than that really, I joined the little organisation on the suggestion of a complete stranger. It lead to many people going to my ‘Catalogue’ profile and signing up to be my friends, but it did not lead to any of them reading my inane ramblings, probably fortunate for them. But that is not important; it’s not the point of this little blog entry. The email I received was informing me of the upcoming international date, so I know all of you have heard about it, I’ll let you go check your calendars if by chance you don’t remember. September 27th…. no nothing, well that surprised me. Ok so I should probably inform you and put you out of your misery, yes September 27th is ‘Bloggers unite day’. The day where Bloggers all around the worlds unite and end ‘abuse’, yes that’s right ‘abuse’.

Not drug abuse, child abuse, animal abuse, just ‘abuse’ in every way shape or form. Well that’s not aiming to high is it. Yes Blog catalogue wants me to join with every other blogger on the planet and link together in some sort of giant ‘E’ hand holding and chanting to miraculously put an end to little Jimmy being flogged by his uncle. I do not doubt the ability of normal people to unite for a cause to change the world, look at Ghandi, I mean christ the dude wore a nappy half his life and look what he did for India. But bloggers aren’t Ghandi, were not even his disgruntled younger brother Randhi (He may or may not have existed). What type of grand event do they think this is going to inspire, all of a sudden thousands of people are going to log on to ‘Dorothy’s kitty photo Blog’ and read how she doesn’t like alcoholism, and bang they are cured.

Testimonial Letter

Dear blog catalogue I’m so glad you could organise
Bloggers unite day, for the longest time I was an Alcoholic, and I would often
steal my daughter’s money to go and buy Schnapps, sweet, sweet Schnapps. But
thanks to one of your wonderful members who took the time out from her usual
blog a stunning collection of cats in various period costumes, to post a rousing
post on how she doesn’t like the grog I’m cured, I showed it to my Uncle Spencer
and he now he can see again. Who would have thought the inane ramblings of a
psychotic old lady who spends her time taking pictures of her 45 cats could help

Thank You
Yours sincerely
Philip Cherwaddy

But what is my problem, I’m a blogger myself and happy to be one, but its just for every decent blog, there are fifty that are just complete rubbish, and maybe I’m one of them but well, I’m not trying to change the world. Trying to stop abuse is a noble cause, but I just think that the lovely people at Blog Catalogue are putting to much faith in the intelligence and reasoning of their members. If they wanted to stop abuse they would of already wouldn’t they, and I doubt anyone reading the net scrawlings of a random stranger is going to change their mind about whether they take drugs, drink, hit their dog, cat, budgie, child, pigmy elephant etc. So what is the lesson here today kids, what do I want you to go away with, honestly I have no idea, but maybe you can come up with something, of course if you want to stop abuse and you can, its easy be nice to people, animals and trees. Eat, drink, smoke, inject, inhale, sniff in moderation, and remember it may be fun but it is most likely bad for you. And if your one of those that keep telling people its bad for them, you to can stop abusing people, stop abusing them with your moral lessons and righteous indignation, its not your body its not your brain its not your life. And most importantly stop abusing my email inbox with stupid spam about fake days that no one who counts is going to pay attention to.

In closing, please people be nice to each other, buy Diesels book, and enjoy your self.
Pope Terry aiming just beyond mediocrity

Sunday, September 23, 2007

I thought they were: Rasputin...

Well fellow investigators I'm popping in again to fill you in on the truth, whether you believe me or not, it’s the god’s honest truth and if you doubt it, there is not a lot I can do actually. As you know I’m quite the investigator, from ghosts to big foot, to just down to earth good old government conspiracies, I love getting stuck in getting dirty and bringing the truth out into the light so every one can bask in its glowing baskiness… This week it is again about a conspiracy of sorts, anyone alive today knows about these types of conspiracies. Said actor or celebrity is alive/dead, and pretending to be otherwise, or in the case of dead someone else is pretending to be them. Many a celebrity has these rumors, Elvis alive, Paul McCartney dead, John Denver was a crab person, there are literally hundreds of them. But this entry looks at a very special person, one of histories nice guys, Grigory Rasputin also known as the Mad Monk, or the Ditzy Dervish (not one hundred percent confirmed though).

Rasputin was born on the 10th of January in 1869, to a cleaning product salesman named Randy and his wife Sheryl (According to the B.V archives). He grew up in the cold wastelands of Siberia, travelling with his family learning the ropes of stain removal and rug cleaning, but he wasn’t happy with his life, and around the age of eleven decided to leave his family and carve out a living as a hypnotist. He was quite successful and soon gained enough fame to buy a horse, which doubled as his assistant on stage, this confused much of the audience though and soon Rasputin was back on his own while the horse continued hypnotising people. The archives get a little sketchy after this, many years are completely blank, all that exist from this till his 30th birthday is a single diary entry:

“24th may

Ate Potato that looked like Napoleon…”

And that is it, until of course he turned thirty were he reappeared as a lounge singer in Moscow, often thought of as the original crooner, this is thought to be where he picked up his remarkable powers over women. Much the way Elvis used to move it is believed Rasputin to used gyrating hips to woo women into his bed. His life continued, normally singing, addressing the queen, performing sex acts with hundreds of people, you know all pretty regular stuff. Until his death of course, Rasputin gathered many enemies in his time, other hypnotists, lounge singers, priests, the girl scouts all wished him harm, most likely because they were jealous of his incredible talents. It was organised that Rasputin would be killed; he was poisoned, shot, stabbed and then thrown in the river to dispose of his body. Unknown to the assassins Rasputin had been studying yoga for many years, leaving his body in peak physical condition, and any yoga teacher will tell you that it is possible to take quite a punishment if one is adept at yoga. So Rasputin lived on.

Using his amazing talents and a singer and hypnotist, Rasputin has managed to keep out of the limelight, staying away from the public eye and living on, today it is believed he may actually be around 138 years old. There are many rumors on where and who he might be, one being that Australian musician and long time midday band leader Geoff Harvey may in fact be Rasputin himself. Rasputin is indeed still alive, personally I believe he works in a comic store in Flinders street in Melbourne, but I have been unable to photograph him on the several occasions I have tried.

Is Geoff Harvey Rasputin... only he knows

Finding the truth everywhere Shecky R. Love.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

The Pitch: KungFu President

Well another dull weekend has passed and to greet the new week or send off the old one David over at Authorblog as sent out a new question for all us to have a stab at, the way OJ would anyone he could get close enough to. This time it’s a bit of a tougher one, some careful consideration must be put into this one, as I know many of the top Hollywood producers are scouting for whiny internet cranks to star in there big budget movies. So I must be careful as to who I say I will star alongside as this will no doubt lead to me being plucked from obscurity and thrust into the limelight in the next major motion picture starring Hollywoods elite. After all we all have our standards and as with most people of my character, they are far too high, but let’s face it, I’m not going to change and it’s likely neither are you.

The question though, David asks what Hollywood blockbuster would you cast yourself in and who would you want starring alongside you? Well that’s roughly the question and if its not, I’m only taking the same poetic licence Bruckheimer did when he made Pearl Harbour, and left the audience with the idea that the Americans won. I’d actually like to see him redo the Ten Commandments… anyway enough stupidity… ok well enough time wasting lets face it if you’d had enough stupidity you wouldn’t still be reading this, so on to the matter at hand. The question has been asked so now it’s up to me to answer it, but to do so I’m going to be putting it in the form of a pitch, oh sorry that’s Hollywood speak, it’s when you go and see a producer with an idea for a movie. He will then creatively rape your dream, add some product placement and stick Tom “I maybe short but I could be Jesus” Cruise in it. So here is the Pitch…

‘Kung Fu President’
Seen all the Tom Clancy movies, sick of all the Ludlum trash, well now Vatican Pictures brings you an action packed new film starring Eric Roberts as the President of the United States (coincidentally Microsoft Word has read this sentence and underlined it with green this either means there is a grammatical error or even a computer program knows this movie doesn’t make sense). Suddenly from out of space comes the new menace plaguing modern culture, Space Ninjas, the space ninjas land on the white house lawn and take over the West Wing, and by proxy the rest of the world. Eric Roberts must use his Kung Fu training to combat the space Ninjas, save the white house, his orphan daughter, and the squad of bikini clad cheerleaders doing a photo shoot for a puppy charity at the white house at the time. Also starring Pope Terry as the evil leader of the Space Ninjas, David Caruso as the ‘Ginger Master’ the Swami of Kung Fu. Can the ‘Ginger Master’ teach the President the Secret ‘Philibuster Fist’ Technique in time to defeat the Space Ninjas so the sexy bikini cheerleaders can finish their sexy photo shoot. Only time will tell.

Shecky's Movie fantasy.
Its just me and the Fonze drinking beer, then we ride Godzilla to the shop and get some nachos... and then we burn things...

So that’s the pitch and I guess my answer to the question, David Caruso and Eric Roberts, I guess I could do better, but then it just wouldn’t be me would it, check the entry below this one if you havent and keep checking out the Bleak Universe, link to the right somewhere.
Pope Terry aiming just beyond mediocrity…

Thursday, September 13, 2007

As seen on TV: Oh what a feeling, oh cripes that’s hot.

The new Corolla the car for Evil people

Well what another week its been kids, we've seen the return of the two greatest fears of modern society, the ugly beardy face of terrorism has risen again in the form of a rather younger svelter Osama Bin Laden in a brand new video meant to strike fear into the hearts of us filthy western pig dogs again. And we have also seen the podgy drunken face of the other terror Brittney 'to drunk to care' Spears, wibble around a stage in Las Vegas like some stoned hooker on a meth expedition. I can tell you which one scared me more, and I can take a guess at which one had you covering your eyes in fright aswell. So its been a busy glorious and rather unfulfilling week, so sit back take a good grip on your chair and prepare for some more idiocy.

Well kids and kiddettes its time to get to the point, I’ve crapped on for long enough about whatever was annoying me in the news this week and it’s on to the main topic of this little post. This week we return to the old favourite of both yours and mine, this week we turn to the filing cabinet labelled with the two letters that guarantee its going to be idiotic, yes emblazoned in giant red lettering across the side of that grey bad boy are the two letters TV. I can hear you groan already, In previous posts I have covered a similar subject to this, ‘Would you like sausages with your transmission’, was one of my first rants on the subject of TV advertising, so go back and check it out if your in the mood for some poor spelling and grammar, not to mention the laugh out loud humour of it. Of course the point of that post was the advertisement of a car that had a German transmission, but this time it’s something a different manufacturer, and a completely different and more stupid concept behind the advert.

It’s the brand new Toyota Corolla, a make of car obviously sold around the world as my Microsoft Word hasn’t put that little annoying red line under it to say it’s a spelling mistake. Toyota has decided it’s a cool car, its jazzy and hip and all the kids would love to own one because of its obvious hotness, I know by the silence you all have left to buy your new Corolla by now but wait come back there is some other important news I have to tell you. The advert starts with gawky looking man getting into his new Corolla and peeling off down the street, smiling his gawky smile and thinking he is top stuff because his test results are clear, (its just that kind of smile kids you know the one). As he rolls down the road, with his new shiny non itchy crotch, all the surrounding items on the street start to melt or catch on fire, why may you ask, well smarmy voice over dude informs us that its because the car is so damned HOT! So hot in fact that trees will melt and petrol tankers will explode just by being near this new Hot Corolla.

This makes me wonder though who the hell are they marketing this car to, there can’t be that much of a market for arsonists, I know Shecky would buy one but that’s only one person. So let’s look at other people that want a car so hot it would obviously burn everything within spitting distance of the new Corolla. Terrorists come to mind, car bombers, the DSE for the ease of back burning… I can’t figure it out.

Customer: "Ah hello I was wondering if you could help me"
Sales Guy: "Yes sir what exactly are you after"
Customer: "Ummm, I'm after a car that will let me inflict a painful death on pedestrians"
Sales Guy: "Ah... I have just the car sir, follow me, just step of the charred corpses, here it is the new Corolla"
Customer: "Yes this is it, now finally people will fear me, I shall rule the world HAH HA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA.... oh does it come in blue"

I wouldn’t think a multinational corporation would market their cars to terrorists, but obviously I was wrong. It’s a little confusing though as gawky driver rolls up outside of a shop to pick up a woman so out of his league it’s not funny, you can’t help but think he’s somehow threatened to use his flame inducing Corolla to scorch her family if she doesn’t go out with him. But I notice she isn’t burning, she isn’t aflame, not a slight burn mark, not even a conveniently burn induced bikini ala Raquel Welch in the Fantastic Voyage.

It’s a wonder to me what they were thinking, well I guess that’s it for now, Shecky might have something for you soon, and remember to keep checking in on the Bleak Universe you can find the largish picture link to the right, its moving along, bear with me through the boring bits I’ll be getting to something more exciting soon. I leave you with a thought starter to ponder over and take to the family, why isn’t Eric Roberts a bigger star?

Sunday, September 09, 2007

My Dingaling.... yeah well.

Another question for us all to ponder from everyone’s favourite blogger David McMahon, over at Authorblog. This week he asks us what toy bought us joy as a child, what small dolly or action figure bought a smile to the faces of our rosy cheeked younger self’s. Well what a time my childhood was, many of you may not know this but from an early age Papal candidates are chosen and trained in the many mysterious arts that make each Pope what they are. Much like the young Jedi’s’ in your star wars movies, we are moulded and formed into fine young men so we can lead the community forward into a prosperous future, were not simply handed a big hat and a bible and told to ‘have at it’. So the toys that we are given must also lead us down the correct path.

But enough babble, on to the point, what toy bought me the greatest joy, well I can remember one. One that stood out from the rest as a clear favourite, I don’t know how I came into possession of it but it did serve me with a great amount of joy and frivolity. This toy was a one of a kind, after years of searching eBay I still can’t find a new one, so if anyone can help me I would be very grateful. The toy being the Richard Nixon ‘Golf Attire’ Action figure, with genuine peace sign movement and kung-fu grip, many an hour I would spend playing with my Tricky Dic in the darkened corners of the B.V, yanking on it and listening for the old familiar “I am not a Crook” to spill out of his plastic lips. I also had a Henry Kissinger ‘After Dinner attire’ figurine…. But that one seemed a little dirty, it was constantly saying things like “I’ll show you a Realpolitik”. I ended up hammering his head to a table, what happened to Nixon though… it was a sad day, a recreation of the Pinochet over throw over Chile went awry, and he disappeared in the confusion.

Shecky’s favourite childhood toy.
Cigarette lighter…..

Thank you Shecky… again stay away from my stuff, well that’s another short burst for you all, check the entry below this one if you haven’t already (The Kaczynski code), Shecky seems to think he’s found the truth again. Remember to check out the Bleak Universe, link to the right, and check back soon for another dose of internet haberdashery.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

The Kaczynski code

Well hello there fellow investigators yes it is I Shecky here again to dole out a big spoonful of the truth for you to all eat up without questioning. This time so rather surprising items have come to my attention that call into question the validity of two of the most important works of non fiction in the literary world, one being the bible, the other being the Da Vinci code. Yes I know it’s incredible of me to question the work of the great Dan Brown, but as I said some rather surprising things have come to my attention. Much the same way the Da Vinci code is based around the evidence in the last supper, painted by the artist, Leonardo Da Vinci, (named for his striking resemblance to a Ninja Turtle), this theory is as well based around the evidence put forward in a work of art. Though the artist is not as famous as Da Vinci, he is well known amongst art lovers for his famous series of dog’s playing cards works.

The artist in question is polish neo classical artist, Edward Kaczynski. He lived during the same period as Da Vinci but didn’t take up painting till much later in life, it is often thought he was a hermit, but in fact he was jailed for eating the Queens dog Sprinkles. His rather unorthodox actions saw him jailed for some time, but upon his release he found he had a great talent for painting dogs playing various card games, all his paintings would contain a rather forlorn beagle looking straight out at the audience, a rather fitting tribute to Sprinkles, the dog he had consumed on an Opium trip. Several years before the artist passed on though, (coincidentally when he tried to eat a weasel believing it would imbue him with the magic power of being able to paint weasels playing cards), Kaczynski painted something different from his usual works. Inspired by a now removed passage of the bible Norman 6:17,

“And the lord said though shalt run and heave great orbs at each other, only stopping when all but one remain”

Kaczynski took this passage of the bible to mean, that Jesus was not in fact a humble carpenter, but he was instead a P.E (gym) teacher. Taken aback by what he had read he painted a rather inspiring piece of the lord himself. This raise’s some very interesting questions though, Kaczynski was not a Christian, and in fact he held a deep seeded disregard for the church. Secondly who gave him the passage of the bible, this passage has never been confirmed as real as there is no evidence of anyone named Norman before 1950. Thirdly he usually only painted things he had eaten, which begs the question did he eat a bearded gym teacher. Having looked at these questions and facts and the painting it self, I can only give you the answer that further investigation is required. But what would it mean if it were true, what implications would it have over the bible and the truth behind the Da Vinci code, who knows fellow investigators but it seems to just keep raising questions over everything. I leave you to decide for yourselves, ladies and gentle men I present to you Edward Kaczynski famous 'Christ in bike shorts'.

Finding the truth everywhere, yours faithfully, Shecky R. Love.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Happiness and the road to.

Well its time for another question from everyone’s favourite blogger from down under, David McMahon from Authorblog , this week he’s not pondering the depths of the mythical universe to try and find whether people believe in ghosts, no this week its a much simpler question this week he asks, ‘What makes you happy?’. Ah happiness the feeling that lurks somewhere between apathy and humorous. I believe it was first felt by some one in the fourth century BC, when they saw a man they didn’t like get kicked in the janglies. But a history lesson is not what you’re here for; you’re here to learn how you can make me happy, so good for you.

Firstly let me say this, I spend most of my time happy, and by happy I just mean not in a state of sadness or anger. I’m a calm and subdued person not easily riled. But there are moments that take my level of happiness to a higher level than normal, for example seeing Tony Soprano wandering around his house in a bath robe tickles me in a way I didn’t think I giant Italian could. Seeing a small child attacked by a snarky cat on Funniest Home Videos always brings a smile as well. But without a doubt the thing that most makes me feel better is Valium, yes a few shots before bed and I feel great. (Warning self medication is not a good idea).

Sheckys recipe for happiness.
Happiness, yeah it’s a funny old thing isn’t it, you never quite know what’s going to happen do you so I often feel happy at the strangest moments. I can remember as a kid seeing the coverage of the bay of pigs… that made me laugh all those pigs driving those boats, it was quite some time before I learnt the truth, that was in fact not hog related ocean warfare but, still a pig in a boat always makes me smile. But how do I stay happy, well I’m not a self medicator like the Pope over there. So I find some more natural ways to combat the blues. I go fishing, spelunking and other sorts of adventuring regularly, but nothing beats curling up on the couch with a good glass of wine and getting stuck into the box set of the Gilmore Girls, its so heart warming those two women…

And for some strange reason fire brings me a great deal of pleasure…. Lots and lots of fire…

Well thank you Shecky and make sure you stay away from all the valuables we have around here. Happiness is wonderful isn’t it, we can all enjoy it, but its just so much better when you can laud it over some one else, so remember playing fair is for when your playing sport, everything else is a bastards game.