So kids I find myself in a quandary, I have yet again run out of ideas for posts. Well I say I have run out, it’s not really as if I had a big folder full of brilliant and exciting ideas to flick through. I just write down an idea when I have one and then a few days later end up complaining and insulting a celebrity for 1000 words or so. But as I said I’m not sure what to do now because I’m drawing a blank on something to complain about. What to do kids, what to do. Well there is always the old faithful choice of making up some sort of crap story about something from my historically and geographically incorrect past. But I can’t be arsed, I can’t think of anyone to fight either, well I’m sure I could, I just don’t want to. But there is another option left, turn inwards. As much as you all enjoy reading me poorly worded rants, I’m sure you’re all clueless as to the real mental state of this little Pontiff… (Ok so that’s probably a clue I’m a little light on sanity). So here is the subject for this week’s entry I’m going to tell you all about why I do what I do here.
Kids… its anger, pure and simple. As I’ve said before I have a theory about anger. It is that people don’t operate at their best when they are happy or content, when they are sad they don’t even function. But an angry person, a person filled with rage is steadfast and intent to complete whatever goal has boiled their bile. An angry person will go far beyond the boundaries of their own sanity in order to fulfil their goal. Anger truly is the spice of life, that’s right kids variety can go suck an egg, anger is the shit that juices my turkey (analogies aren’t my strong point). There you have it, anger drives me to do this. Everything I see or read about that irks me in that special way, is what drives me to complain about anything and everything. Its cathartic kids, it really is, long after yelling ‘That’s not news’ or ‘JUICY DELICIOUS PORK!’ at the TV has lost its flair. Spreading your anger all over the internet to infect other people like some sort of emotional conjunctivitis (don’t touch your eyes kids), is the best way to drive out the anger. It’s a shame though it is because when I’m annoyed I’m at my most productive.
Moving on though, its time children to have a look at the type of things that make me angry, I’m going to warn you now kids some of these things may be a little surprising.
Yeah I know kids it is so stupid, but it just annoys me to no extent when more than two words start with the same letter or sound in a sentence. It just sounds like some sad git children’s show host trying to get a 13 year old excited about the type of crap a 4 year old would yawn at. Don’t dare dilute daily language with dismal diggity….. Blaaaaaarrrgh DICK! It just annoys me, what is really annoying is that it is taught in schools as an essay tactic, something to help the information stick in the readers head, I don’t want big bouncing blue bubbly balls anywhere near my head.
2. Extreme Makeover
The despicable show, the horrible traumatic torture of a show. In fact any makeover show really gets on my nerves, the whole concept of them. Take on sad pathetic loser with friends, or people that claim to be friends and add talent less smarmy host to transform this ugly duckling into a stretched out stitched up slightly less ugly duckling. I really hate the ones where the friends dob in the victim.
Makeover Charlie: “Hey Rudy… you ready for your makeover”
Rudy: “Yeah I really am… wow thanks guys”
Makeover Charlie: “Yeah you really have great friends”
Rudy: “Yes I’m glad I surround myself with people that think I’m so hideous I need plastic surgery to become even slightly appealing”
Billy: “Don’t forget that fact that you are so clueless with women you need help from five gay men to some action”
Rudy: “Ha-ha yes I forgot about that, thanks for reminding me I’m a complete loser on national television”
Makeover Charlie: “International television Rudy… now let’s totally emasculate him”
Whole Crowd: “Yeah, ‘Gay Power Makeup Squad Force’ go!”
And then they go and take away everything that that person has built up there personal image to be for the past twenty years. In an exercise that could really be called ‘you suck as a human why not let a gay person improve you’. Now in case you’re dense I’m not saying homosexuality is bad, I just resent the thought that someone thinks they have better taste than me because of which hole on which human they copulate with.
3. ACA and Today Tonight…
No, actually its really any soft Current Affairs program, you don’t have to be Australian to get this one I’m guessing. I’m pretty sure these shows are every where, the type of shows that are designed for people to watch with their arms folded and their ‘that’s a bloody outrage’ face painted on. All sorts of stories about dole bludgers, parking inspectors, bad tenants/landlords, and just assorted scum of the earth, oh and don’t forget the occasional story about bras, because everyone loves boobs. Now it is not the content that pisses me off, it’s the way it’s presented. Hack journalist wanders up to house of resident scumbag builder/rip off merchant/whatever, and proceeds to put his foot in the door and ask, “When are you going to give …… their money back”. Scumbag runs or pushes camera man, cue evil music and assorted dodgy special effects. What a hero hack journalist is, sticking up for the little guy. It’s because he cares to, not because he knows this is going to rate well, he is a gentlemen. My favourite anger inducing story though is the parking inspector ones, they are pure furious gold.
Now parking inspectors may not be popular but just realise this, they are important, they provide important revenue to the local council, keeping rates lower. They make sure other people can get a park when they need to do some shopping or go to work. And they make it possible for delivery people to do there job by keeping loading zones clear. And they only punish those that do the wrong thing, simply obey the rules and no fines for you. Hack journalist however, seems to think otherwise. Parking inspectors aren’t actually just doing their job, their important job. They are being evil, serving the devil and their other dark lords. Little did you all know that in fact parking inspectors are the children of the devil, if you read Dante’s Inferno, you’ll see the 18th layer of hell is where they come from. They also eat puppies, and steal the newspapers from public libraries, the bastards.
4. Witty Banter
Ok another one to the list that may need a little more explanation. In my many experiences watching late night TV, I see many shows. E.T, Good Morning America, etc etc, all which contain that annoying small talk between the two hosts. I especially hate it between the dude on G.M.A and Diane Sawyer, or that other chick that isn’t Diane Sawyer. Cue story about someone being electrocuted,
Charlie Gibson: “Hmmm, tragedy… just like those Green Bay packers”
Diane Sawyer: “Oh yeah, but the coach of the Giants is a real bright spark”
Charlie Gibson: “Hahahahaha… oh Diane you are to much aren’t you”
Diane Sawyer: “Straight up biatch! that’s me just keeping it real, stay with us after the break will tell you why Rachel Ray is being immolated by David Blaine”
Charlie Gibson: “And I’ll be sacrificing a goat to my lord and master Lucifer”
Ok so it’s not that bad, well not yet. To me it just seems so hackneyed and pompous, almost as if its pre written. Imagine two hours of news about weather, finance, and politics hosted by your uncle that still thinks pull my finger is the height of comedy. And it’s just as bad in Australia as Mel and Kochie ham it up on channel seven, people I don’t want to see a guy that reminds me of that vulture Muppet before 9am, it’s just not cool.
5. The commentary on Iron Chef.
This is it kids this is the big one, if you want a show of a quite angry man trying not to punch his TV screen in then come to my house, and watch me watching the Japanese Iron Chef. It is not just the commentary though, it’s the whole show, the guests the commentary, the food, the chefs, it all adds up to one big annoyance. So why do I watch it, well kids as I said I love being angry, it gives me nourishment. Every single week Chairman Kaga raises up the theme ingredient, its whale or baby seal or something, and then the chefs proceed to cover it in caviar, sea urchin roe, foie gras, whilst the commentators say things like ‘how luxurious’, or ‘oh my’. I’m not lying once the chef made Sardine Ice Cream, now I don’t want to unfairly categorize an entire country, but those Japanese must be as freaking crazy as the French are cheese eating surrender monkeys. Not one of the tasters punched the chef for that little effort, not one. Watching last Saturday was particularly excruciating, as the tasters waxed lyrical for ten whole minutes about one dish. One comment was made that the dish would taste good even in a castle or a home. That really made me flip out, I tried for ten minutes to come up with a reason why the setting would make the food taste any different. For some reason all I could think of was Green Eggs and Ham.
And five is enough kids, because honestly it has taken quite some thought just to come up with those. So what have we learnt kids, well hopefully nothing that can’t be forgotten quickly. And if not then I’m sorry, I just hope you can remember where your keys are over the fact I hate Charlie Gibson. Well kids play nice and keep searching for that rainbow, there is gold somewhere.
Pope Terry aiming just beyond mediocrity
If you don’t visit humor-blogs.com, Diane Sawyer will get you in your sleep.