Wrap it UP! 2007

This picture has nothing to do with this post... I just needed an anchor

So kids I see you’re back again, ready and willing for more mind numbing wit and pathos. You poor silly people, you have nothing better to do, do you. It’s a shame isn’t it, oh well while you’re here you might as well partake in this entry into the Diary. What profound idiocy have I dredged up this week, well after last weeks entry it couldn’t be that bad could it. A few weeks ago I did the obligatory Christmas post, and you all loved it, if you didn’t keep your filthy opinions to your self. So this week, following on in the vain of super originality, I’m going to do the big yearly wrap and bundle the entire year of 2007 into one easy to digest pill. One tiny little bud of goodness for you to wash down with a glass of whatever you want to drink. So now kids I have to use my memory to try and remember the truly monumental moments of the year that was, some of you may want to turn away now as I can guarantee that this is going to be a compilation of the most pointless stupid information to date. Those that choose to stay; well you may need to get yourself a stiff drink. And while your there pour on for me as well. How is this going to work, I guess like all those clip shows that populate the airwaves I guess I’ll slot everything into a handy little category for easier reading, lets start with the fluff shall we the crap nobody cares about.

Politics, stop groaning kids you all know by now you should be reading the paper every morning and learning that the world sucks and is run by rich people. If you don’t then well… ah hell who am I kidding that’s all you need to know really isn’t it. Firstly the local front, the Australian Federal Election held the forefront in our political minds this year. The previous Howard regime was finally ousted in a spectacular ‘Rudd Slide’ (as channel 7 put it), by Kevin ‘07’ Rudd and his Labor Party leftist Commie Pinkos. In the end it turned out to be a bit of a one sided affair, with even Prime Minister Howard, losing his seat to his electorate rival. It’s amazing how a leader that has led us to low unemployment and a strong economy can lose to a guy that once went to a strip club and can’t remember it at all, Kevin it was the time when all the girlies had their baps out. If he can’t remember that then I’m not sure he should be running the country. The loss was a tragedy I know, how a country can move into the future without a 70 odd year old man stuck in firmly in his 1950’s shorts running it. And now Kevin gets his wish as the entire country is one giant Labor Party, so when the country goes down the gurgler we definitely know who to blame. Hooray isn’t that something to cheer about… lets move on shall we. Over seas, America, ah land of the free, in case you didn’t know there is an election coming up next year for you lot.



Mainly we are hearing about the battle between Barrack Bin Osamalamadong, Hilary ‘Deez Nuts’ Clinton, and John ‘I can see your dead person’ Edwards. Kucinich might be having a red hot go as well, but let’s face it its not as red hot as his wife. Apart from that you had that malarkey with that senator trying to appropriate some young mans bodily fluids from an airport toilet stall. I’d make a joke about him chasing the pink vote, but I doubt if that was the pink thing he really wanted to grab. The rest of the world still waits for Jean Claude to bone up and take on Arnie in a Gubernatorial showdown to commence the apocalypse, Van Damme vs. Schwarzenegger, don’t tell me you cant see it people. But we all know that race we depend on whomever Steven Segal supports. Speaking of support coming from uneducated celebrities, Oprah is really the one who will decide the presidential election. It’s like Benjamin Franklin said, control the housewives of America and you control the world. Fact check that at your own peril kids. And onto England, good old Blighty… something about Gordon Brown… I’m not really sure, he might be leader but what kind of country would have a leader called Gordon. It’s just a giant green train wreck waiting to happen. And on the horizon for the next year, it looks like Dubya may take it on himself to start one last world conflict before he leaves office, the least he could do is attack somewhere like Poland or New Zealand, but no… let’s have a stab at another country run by a psycho. North Korea. I cant remember the meeting of the U.N where the power to police the world was handed over to the American government, so I cant see why Dubya seems to think its necessary to assert power over the rogue states of the world. Yes it would be nice if everyone could get along, and I can see he is trying to accomplish that, but it would be nice to see it done with a little tact not carpet bombing. But I must say it’s always nice to threaten a country that supposedly has Nuclear Weapons; it’s been such along time since I practised my ‘Duck and Cover’.

Now sport, well lets face Australia won everything as usual… what… baseball, never heard of it. You yanks and your crazy sports. Ok so let’s stop pretending, it’s hard for me to care about any sport apart from cricket and formula one. Now cricket, as is per normal we crapped it in, without any effort whatsoever we won the world cup. And in true Australian fashion I’m now going to brag about it, as if I a slovenly fan had something to do with it. WE WON, WE WON, NAH NAH NAH, WE WON. But the 2007 world cup didn’t pass without a hitch, we witnessed the untimely murder/accidental death/back to murder/and now finally back to accidental death of Pakistani coach Bob Woolmer. Yes it seems finally he just died, no foul play, no elaborate set up, he just unfortunately passed away. While it detracted from the play on the field it sadly was nothing compared to the fiasco that was the final. The match started late, and was poorly managed. When it finally finished after play was stopped due to bad light being called, and then both teams returning to the field to finish the game in even worse light. But finally Australia had won, re-cementing our place at the top of world cricket.

Enough sport, its tiring just talking about it, lets move onto the real meat and potatoes of international affairs, ENTERTAINMENT. Ha yes kids the truly important things of the year all happened in this truly whorish field of the news. Firstly the incarceration of one of the true humanitarians of our age, or any other in fact. The women that shows us being a dumb white rich skank is truly one of the most lucrative career moves a young lady today could make. Ms Paris Hilton, yes after several DUI’s or something similar to those three letters, she was slapped in the cuffs and frog marched off to the slammer for a really hard couple of hours behind some grey bars. The world watched in horror/delight depending on your preference I guess, as she cried her little eyes out at the fact she was receiving the same treatment everyone else was, who did that judge think he was? Then much to no ones surprise, she was released early, were she had time to go home and re acclimatise her self to the outside. When to everyone’s surprise, the judge sent her packing back to do the rest of her hefty sentence of 5 days or so. Golf clap for the judge, someone has to show the rich white heiress’s that the world isn’t their playground… I’m sure she has learnt her lesson. What followed was one of the most harrowing recounts in an interview I have ever seen, no it wasn’t Larry King, this was Letterman. Dave sat and smiled and probed every nook and cranny of Ms Hilton while she sat and cockeyedly stone walled his every question with an “I don’t want to talk about it”. Dave laughed his way threw one of the most uncomfortable interviews I have ever witnessed, only coming out the other side with a visual gag where he drank a bottle of Paris’s distilled spunk in a bottle, often known as perfume. But let’s move on.

Not to far though we still have to gander at the rest of the Hollywood D list that are due to or have spent some time in the big house, from some careless drinking habits. Paris’ little pal from TV Nicole Ritchie spent some period of hours, every ones favourite gung-ho rogue agent Jack Bauer is actually going to spend more than a month for his drinking expeditions. Ms Lohan the incomparable coke fiend of the 21st century, has well and truly shaken off the shackles of being a former child star, and now graduated to a fully functioning addict, that just happened to be an actress at some stage when she was a kid. She also enjoyed quite a few stays at many different ‘recovery’ centres, after attempting to chase down a friend whilst driving with no pants on. And now Britney… oh yes kids I have to go there, pure white trash incarnate cannot be left alone, as much as I hate lowering myself to talk about her, we have to. It will be cathartic, we will all feel better about how truly sucky her life is going. So she lost her kids, her license, her underwear, and her mind. Unfortunately though she still has her money, meaning she can do it all again this year. So that’s something to definitely look forward to. Speaking of brain dead talent less hacks, 2007 was also the year we were blessed with the footage of David Hasselhoff, beaned out of his gourd attempting to eat a Big Mac off his bathroom floor. While for some reason his daughter filmed him, now kids I’m not one to brag about being classy and above this type of behaviour. But if I’m eating food in a bathroom half naked while completely drunk, I’m going to make sure there isn’t a camera watching me.



How to approach this next event… hmmm its going to be hard without being insulting, oh well screw it, tact is for pussies. Mel Gibson’s xenophobic outburst to a lady cop on a Los Angeles highway. Australia’s least favourite export shocked the world, well the half that didn’t know he was the son of a Racist Xenophobic holocaust denier, when he berated a police officer after a routine traffic stop found him to be drunk. So nice work Mel, that’s really showing how tolerant we Aussies can be, I can’t remember him giving an apology to Jews of the world, so maybe that didn’t happen. Either way I’m sure it didn’t hurt the box office takings of his movies. One bright moment from this though was Rob Schneider proving he is a comic genius, when he came out and said that he would never ever work with Mel… as if he was ever going to in the first place, ‘The Passion of Deuce Bigilow’ anyone?

Dont tell me its not the obvious sequel

And then the tragedy of the year, the event that had the producers of Entertainment Tonight crying with joy, because for the rest of the year they wouldn’t have to think of a single story. Anna Nicole Smith dying. Yes after they had followed her around like a horny puppy after the death of her son, they really got the perfect follow up when she passed away in the Bahamas. And then the trial, over what I can’t remember all I can remember was E.T dragging out miles of video footage of this coked out floozy, whilst Mary Hart sat there and tried to give Anna the dignity and public image of Princess Diana. And then the custody battle over that poor daughter of hers who is no doubt going to follow almost exactly the same path as her mother. I have no sympathy for anyone involved in the tepid shitty mess of a family, apart from that poor little girl who is going to have her life dragged through shit just for the sake of some ratings.

And finally something recent, the writers strike, those dam creative little bastards that come up with the few original ideas that make it to TV. They decided, ‘we want what we deserve’, how dare they? And so on strike they went and have been for quite some time, as I have noticed since I have been playing a game involving the ever changing state of Letterman’s hair and glasses, in the repeats Channel ten are showing in place of new episodes. It also bought about some interesting responses from the networks; well it did here in Australia at least. Instead of just saying, there is a writers strike and there aren’t anymore episodes, everything just became the ‘season finale’, whether it made sense or not. Why lie, we have the internet, we all noticed that there where about eight episodes of the show, why lie. But it also means we get more crappy reality TV and sitcoms, something I cant seem to be able to resist because well, I love being angry, it makes me function on a whole new level. Happiness is great, but we all know by now that angry people are far more dynamic and productive, the have an aim, a goal, something to shoot for, or at depending on the level of rage it induces.

So that was the year, and what a year it was, a lot of other crap happened, there was probably a war or two I skipped over but well they are just depressing aren’t they. Personally I would like to thank everyone that has come along to my little corner of the internet over the past year, you have made it all worth while, and your comments are what keep me doing this. So if you want me to stop I guess just ignore me. Any way I’m looking forward to trying to make you laugh and think for another year, thank you and keep aiming beyond mediocrity.

Pope Terry.

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