A special entry: Help my Moustache?!

How the hell do you work a moustache? I’m mean what the hell, yes you look really cool in a Magnum PI slash serial sex offender kind of way. But is it possible to function properly through day to day things with one of these things. I can’t drink properly, keeping proper dental hygiene is just 6 times harder than it should be, and god dammit if I find one more bug exploring the deep hairy cavities of my facial hair I’m going to stab someone.

I’ve had facial hair for about five years now, until this year it was no more than a goatee, and maybe some side burns. Now this is mainly because shaving is just way to much effort, I am completely lacking in a chin, well not completely but the beard adds a bit of length, so I don’t resemble a bad guy from Gumby. And also it makes me a big man, no ones going to question your raging sexuality when you have a fantastical viking-ish beard.

Me without the goatee

But it was only this year I tried my luck with the ‘mo’. And it’s all just seemed to go down hill. I don’t know if I’m just getting old or slightly handicapped, because I can’t seem to drink anything without having half of it trail out my mouth. And I blame the moustache. It’s like I’m having a stroke every time I’m thirsty, now I mostly drink water, so it’s not much of a problem, but half an hour after you’ve had a drink and you playfully stroke your goatee to find it full of fluid it’s a little disconcerting.

I’m an Aussie and I eat vegemite, it’s just what you do. Eat prawns, watch cricket, heroically storm Turkish beaches under the stupid orders of the British, and eat vegemite, copious amounts of the turgid black swill. I like it. I don’t like however 6 hours later being reminded what I had for breakfast, when I lick my lips and find a big natty vegemite moustache dread lock.

Now it’s not the best moustache in the world, it’s still developing and growing. But I can tell already that it hates me… with a deep and fiery moustachy passion. It’s taken to curling into my mouth at the edges and when it gets to a certain length it makes flossing a real chore. If I get one hair stuck between my teeth again I swear I’m shaving you off straight away. It’s a horrid experience people, mindlessly flossing away all of a sudden to find either someone is trying to jam a flathead screw driver between you incisors, or your moustache has decide to try its luck at exploratory dentistry.

How he makes a living I'll never know

Please can someone tell me how the fuck you work one of these things it's doing my head in. Man, woman, child, Mario even, please just tell me. Hell I’ll settle for Luigi, he can’t be busy. Lets face it he doesn’t have a girlfriend, and the only other thing he’s got going on is he can drive a go kart. Please how do you work a moustache? Is it either, go through life being half a man with a hairless top lip, or enjoy the full powerful force of masculinity throbbing through my face.

I rest my case

I think the answer is quite obvious don’t you. Let’s look at the greatest examples of man out there, Jesus, Lemmy, Richard Dreyfuss… Rosie O’Donnell, all have the moustaches, all incredibly manly. Let’s look at the greatest there, his accomplishments shall live through history for ever, books have been written in his honour, Lemmy got a blowjob on stage… on stage people! Any way obvious jokes aside seriously help me out kids, help me unlock the mysteries of the moustache!

humor-blogs.com has a powerful moustache

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