Ok kids, welcome back this time it’s something really special. We take a break from the usual crap I harp on about, and deal with something really important. Something of such valued importance that everyone should read this, and then once you have, write to your local mayor, Member of Parliament, or even just scream at your neighbour. It’s of such vast importance that I can't even begin to describe it.
In recent years I’ve noticed a gathering trend on TV. At first it wasn’t something to worry about it only happened occasionally, it wasn’t that disconcerting. But in recent years it has increased far beyond all reason. This problem has gotten so far out of hand it’s the largest problem facing the world today. Screw the hungry kiddies in Africa, the hole I the ozone layer can piss off back up Al Gores arsehole. This, my friends is the real problem.
So here it is, here is my plea, and I hope the rest of the world will join me when I say this. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE Hollywood stop putting your great actors in shitty TV shows. And now you know what I’m talking about don’t you. And you know the massive spanner shaped problem that it is. If you doubt that it’s a problem let me explain further.
This is James Caan. James Caan is a living legend, one of the all time greatest actors America has ever produced. He was in ‘Rollerball’(the original ‘Rollerball’ not the shitty god awful remake starring LL Cool J). One of the greatest films about corporate power, big business, and conformity gone mad ever made. If you don’t agree with me, then you’re a twat. Pure and simple. He was also in ‘A Bridge to Far’, and something to do with the mafia I can’t remember what it was called. Where was the last likely place you saw James on screen… ‘Las Vegas’.
The whore of a show about a casino run by plastic surgery victims and drop outs from ‘90210’. Sorry to do this kids, but he is James Fucking Caan, he was in the Godfather, and this is what you do to him. And while were speaking of ‘Las Vegas’, I had the displeasure of sitting at a friends home a few years ago, being tortured through an episode of this crap. Only to be surprised by the site of Dennis Hopper in a cameo.
Dennis Hopper, in a cameo role in ‘Las Vegas’. Doesn’t ‘Apocalypse Now’ ring any bells with any one? Possibly the greatest war movie ever, and he’s playing support cast to a women who plays support cast to her massive titties. It’s not right.
Donald Sutherland, as close to my favourite actor of all time as I would like to say, (it’s a toss up between him and a few others). An actor whom has never really taken himself to seriously I would think. I once saw him in a movie where he dead set talked about the benefits of wiping your bot bot with wet toilet paper.
But this doesn’t mean he deserves to be treated like this, ‘Commander in Chief’, ‘Dirty Sexy Money’. Come on people, ‘Kelly’s Heroes’ is just gloriously funny. ‘S*P*Y*S’, with the delightful Eliot Gould, and not forgetting he’s been in just about every version of the ‘Body Snatchers’ put to film, on TV or the movie screen. Plus he was on the ‘Avengers’ TV series, which forever cements him in my good books. He doesn’t deserve to play the bad guy in a show about the first female president, who only got there by default.
But moving on, Angelica Houston, in ‘Medium’. God wouldn’t that be embarrassing, playing second fiddle to an Arquette, that shouldn’t be put upon anyone, I don’t care who you are or what you’ve done. But there she is, proving that no one in Hollywood has a memory for anything that happened in the eighties and nineties.
And finally to the last and most sickening piece of filth I’ve been forced to endure of the last few years. Late at nights I watch the TV; every now and then I sadly get caught watching infomercials. One in particular catches my eye, not because the product is so great, but because of the level of sadness it brings me. Take a deep breathe kids you’ll need it… Peter Fonda is flogging CDs.
Come on kids, breath, stop crying. It’s both tragic and anger inducing at the same time isn’t it. But its just not that kids, that makes it so bad, it’s the fact that the company is cashing in on the character he played in ‘Easy Rider’. Yep the original counter culture movie being used to cram a metric tonne or so of useless crap down your throat. It’s some sort of ‘sounds of the seventies’ or something to that effect kids. You know the ones, “You’ll never be able to find all these songs in the shops”.
True but there is probably a reason for that, and it usually has something to do with the crappiness of most of the songs on those compilations. And if you’re thinking about getting one of those compilations kids, just download. I don’t want to advocate piracy, but well, actually I do. It’s probably far easier and cheaper.
So we have all these great actors languishing on such shite TV, and Will Ferrel can get away with playing the exact same character in every single movie. What is the deal Will, you can act we know you can. ‘Stranger than Fiction’ was a great movie, and then you go back to playing Ricky Burgundy or whatever character it is, with the exact same traits as all the others you play. I’m not saying I don’t enjoy them to some extent, but I can only take so many movies about a cocky arsehole learning some respect and perspective. Please Hollywood STOP IT!
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Monday, April 28, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Well a strange one this week kids, I'm guessing a lot of you will be scratching your head at this. But I shall explain it if some one should ask in the comments.
Any way thats it for now, so have a good weekend and check out the previous post if you havent already.
humor-blogs.com is friends with all the vermin creatures...
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
So it occurred to me through the week, actually the idea came to me in the shower. Which is going on record as one of the oddest thoughts to have whilst bathing, that the Liberal party may need my help. Now if you remember your international politics correctly you’ll be well aware that the Liberal party are the losing side from the latest Australian federal election. After eleven years riding high, they fell from grace and seem to have landed rather hard.
Under Brendan Fraser… sorry Nelson, under Brendan Nelson they haven’t really caught the imagination of the Australian public. So I being the helpful little turnip I am, hereby raise my hand to volunteer and steer the boat back on course. Obviously there will be some sort of consulting fee for my services, but we can talk about that later. But where to start, how to capture the imagination and focus of the great nation of Australia?
Well to be honest I was just going to suggest they give everyone one hundred wing wangs, as my favourite animated version of Tricky Dic would say. But that wouldn’t make for a very interesting post now would it. Instead in the long and proud tradition of those great masters of makeovers MTV, I will be pimping the Liberal party. Instead of cruddy old political crackpots filling the front bench we shall replace them with all sorts of gangstas, tricks and ho’s, cause that’s how we roll homey… (am I getting that right.) Not since Trent Lott will such pimpage be on display.
In fact that’s going to be similar to the new slogan, ‘Cause that’s how we roll… bitch’. I feel it will insert some brand new much needed street cred into the party and its policies. For a long time now the Liberal party has been suffering from the image of being a bunch fuddy old gits with a finger no where near the pulse of anything let alone current opinion. So let us start the makeover.
Dr Brendan Nelson leader of the Liberal party out, (sorry Brendan), hip hop mogul and alleged all star stand over man Suge Knight in. Yes that’s right kids I’m going straight for the top with this one, cofounder of Death Row records and big time record producer is bound to stir the interest of the kids of Australia. Allegedly threatening to shoot Snoop Dogg at some stage and spending lengthy periods of time in jail should actually be a huge benefit to the party. Failing any real success I’m sure he could just get some goons to whip around with some baseball bats and ‘negotiate’ Westcoast style.
Helen Coonan Shadow minister for communications gone, ‘Lil’ Kim gangsta rapper and all round loose lady of crime in. While being jailed for perjury would be seen as a down side to most politicians. I really think the knowledge she would have gained in there, on how to build shivs and such would be greatly useful to her in the outside world. Why the communications position, well I figure any woman willing to admit her coot has different flavours, as she does in one of hers songs, could really benefit Australian society. I don’t think there are enough politicians talking about the flavour of their crutches.
Joe Hockey genuine fatty and Shadow minister for aged care and health out, assorted hookers in, a perfect match really, both having the same amount of knowledge of the Australian health system. But the hookers are more likely to have to use the public health system. I guess if worse comes to worse and the liberal party actually have some success, that feeling that you just got screwed and lost a lot of money wont be as bad as it would have been with Joe Hockey.
Tony Abbot, Shadow minister for education and the antichrist out, Marilyn Manson shock rocker and transvestite looking mofo in. Yes I’m replacing the most evil person in the world with the person most mothers believe is the most evil person in the world. Why… well I don’t know really, I guess I’d just rather have a creepy weirdo gothic boy lady thing in charge of the nations education than old Tony.
Malcolm Turnbull Shadow treasurer gone, a 1984 Holden Camira in. Yes that’s right I’m replacing the shadow treasurer with a car. And not even a very good one either, powered by a 1.6 litre donk of an engine, the Holden Camira has about as much balls as a lesbian cruise. Yet still has more appeal than Malcolm. Its four different models offered three different gear box options. A four or five speed manual, or a three speed auto, plainly show a range of choice far exceeding Malcolm and his lousy simple bipedal transportation options. But why choose the car over him again I’m just planning ahead, when the economy goes to shit, if the liberal party ever get power back, we can always sell the Camira for a tidy little sum of about $1000. A dam sight more than Malcolm is going to fetch on any market.
And that’s it for now, this is just a sample of my massive political talents so any politicians wanting to sign up just contact me. In the meantime click the humorblogs link, and check out the funny.
humor-blogs.com says the term ‘meat puppet’ freaks it out…
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Well here is your weekly installment of disappointment in cartoon form, straight from my pen into your latent little minds. I hope you all enjoy it.
Now onto some house keeping, Brent D, over at the Ominous Comma thought it a good idea to tag me for a meme. Oh joy, isn't he wonderful. If your wondering what a meme is then let me fill you in, its like hepatitis, well maybe not as serious as that. But its probably just as annoying, and for some reason most likely revenge he decided since he was tagged, he'd pass it on. The meme, I mean not hepatitis, Brent is safe to touch and fondle as wanted.
But onto the meme, the six word memoir, a rather pointless activity where I'm supposed to sum up my entire life within six words. Probably completely possible actually, but so I don't sad like a sad git, I'm going to go the smart arse route and just say this.
I did not read 'The Outsider'
And that's it, there is six words for you, I hope you enjoy them. They of course refer to the fact that in year twelve English I didn't read 'The Outsider' by Albert Camus like I was supposed to. Why, well I'm not telling, to explain further here is a picture of a monkey reading said book.
Now apparently I'm meant to pass this little thing on but I really cant be bothered. So I'm just going to copy Rickey and name some people at random.
I here by Tag
-Brendan Nelson, Leader of the opposition.
-Albert Camus, as some sort of revenge.
-The Girl a few streets over that told me her little fluff ball dog wouldn't kill me yesturday.
-The lead singer of the Ohio players
-Diesel because I do so enjoy Grundir, handing out large amounts of meme related hilarity.
And that's it for today at least. Come back soon, but on your way out clicky the humorblogs link, you'll be saving fairies if you do.
humorblogs.com never read anything either.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Well kids welcome back for another dose of insanity. This week we get personal, no not you, me, this entry delves further into my darkened depths than most of you would like to go. Sorry kids, but in my ever increasing attempts to be closer to my readers, I feel it needs to be done. Now, I’m single… ok pick your jaws off the ground, I know you’re surprised that a right old catch like me could still be floating around the free market. But I am, much to my own dismay and the chagrin of many a lady, I’m sure.
How is this so you might ask, well I think you’ll agree when I say I’m not exaggerating, and that it must be the work of the government. Why else would the ladies be ignoring me…? (Please if there is another reason don’t tell me, blissful ignorance is such a comfort). So I’m single, but on the prowl, and being the type of person that believes life is nothing, if it’s not made excruciatingly difficult. I’ve decided to make that search just that much harder for myself. How you may ask, and well I hope you do, or else this is going to be a short post.
Instead of just searching out for a certain type of girl, I’ve narrowed that right down into some very specific girls, five in fact. And coincidentally I’m about to name and shame them in some sort of bizarre ritual in the hopes that they are reading this and wooed to my location. Yes that’s right three billion girls in the world and I’ve narrowed it down to five possibilities (well it’s really four as you’ll soon see). So I guess well have to wait and see how successful I am.
Would she stab me... I'd like to think so.
Candidate one. Tina Fey.
Ah Tina, what fun we would have, going out, making fun of waiters and regular assorted stupid people on the street before retiring home and doing crossword puzzles in bed. Of course we’d yuck it up big time by filling out the wrong answers, and then just as she’d be nodding off to sleep I’d yell ‘LIZ LEMON’, as loud as possible to completely freak her out. In fact I’d probably never even use her real name, which may lead to some confusion but eventually I’d guess she would change it for me, or try to stab me when I was asleep.
I mean what the hell is there to be attracted to there!
Candidate two. Jessica Simpson.
Oh yes I know real original isn’t it, ‘what do you see in her’ your all asking right now aren’t you. I know its so completely hard to see any appealing points about a gorgeous woman with ample breasts, tidy little rear end and torturously sexy southern bell accent… I know WHATS THE ATTRACTION! Ok so I guess I’ve made my point, she is frightfully sexy if you ask me, but sadly that’s really where the attraction ends, because for what I can tell she’s as sharp as the round side of a spoon.
But have you seen the ‘these boots were made for walking’ film clip? Hell it all becomes worth it if she washes a car like that every single time… I guess if worse came to worse I could always try this.
Candidate three. Kari Byron.
Hehehehehe hehe… I’ve long since grown sick of Mythbusters, but I still watch it just for the smile of this young lady. There is really only one myth I would like her to test and that’s the one that she can ***** ********** ********* ** with another lady and then ********** *********** ********* ***** **************** ******* *** ****** ** ****** ** *** **** ****** so there’d be a lot of puffing and panting. Plus she is interested in blowing shit up… so I guess its really self evident why she is so appealing.
The one in the blue.
Candidate four. Myf Warhurst.
And most of you are wondering who this is, well if you were an Australian you’d know… so let that all be a lesson to you. Myf was for a long time a radio disc jockey at the radio station I have a love hate relationship with, Triple J. They have claimed in the past to be the enemy of the average and all that, but well they play a lot of shit, let’s not mince words. If you are not a fan of wanky modern day guitar pop, emo-esque whiners, and other assorted artist whose soul intent is sounding exactly the same as each other, then I wouldn’t tune in. But if you are not into mainstream pop, then well you really don’t have much choice as all the other stations are even worse.
But Myf, Myf was one of the highpoints of the station; her quite interesting voice was oddly attractive, kind of husky and high pitched. Now I realise that makes her sound like a Smurf with emphysema, but you’ll just have to trust me. And well she just seems like a bit of a horn bag, so we all like that. But she is also just downright sexy, not in the same way as Jessica Simpson. But still very desirable.
Plus she’s got massive tits! And you thought I had some class...
Yes that is her usual work attire.
Candidate five. Major Motoko Kusanagi.
And here’s where the problems really start, it’s not so much the age difference, it’s not so much the fact she is in a different country. It’s more to do with the unfortunate fact that she’s an animated character in a Japanese movie and television franchise. Other than that there’s nothing really holding my and her blooming relationship back… apart from also the slight issue of her being a cyborg secret agent type lady and me being well, pretty useless.
So there, all you playstation fanboys came shove your Lara Croft fantasies; it’s the Major all the way for this chap and… god why did I just admit that… Any way I guess it doesn’t matter, as previously discussed, she is about as existent as Lyle Lovett’s sex appeal, so in the end it doesn’t matter.
And that’s it kids, the five women I’m aiming for, well four women and one animated cyborg sex bomb. I’m now taking bets on the chances of me ever even meeting any of them, guess were the odds lie. Click the link and make me popular, and I’ll be back soon.
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Saturday, April 12, 2008
Well back again kids and back to making fun of Star Wars characters... This time I'm dam sure I'm ripping someone off. Oh well heres to hoping they don't see it, who ever they are, if they even exist.
And now for a few little additions, some competition entries for The Skwib, something about a vintage advert with a fictional future product. So here it is, a Volkswagon advert for the Star Trek Holodeck... featuring Hitler... original I know.
Enjoy this till my next slice of crazy rolls into the station in a few days. Check the post below if you havent already, and remember my slight internet infamy rests in your hands so click away on the humorblogs link.
humor-blogs.com prefers Babylon 5... who are you to judge?
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Yes kids I know you can’t believe it, ‘no’ you say, you are a nice guy, full of vim and vigour. Well its more like full of piss and vinegar kids, I’m not saying I’m the nastiest person in the world, but I do have some traits that are truly despicable. But why admit this, why bring myself down from this lofty perch that you all see me on. Let’s just say I like being around the normal people.
Which brings us to the reason I’m an arsehole. Arrogance. Straight forward down to earth arrogant pomposity, and science. That’s me in a nut shell. Now kids you’ve been reading me ramblings for some time now, why, I still can’t fathom, but by now you’ve realised at least one thing. I, think I’m better than a lot of people. Well, to phrase it better, I’m of the opinion that I’m smarter than most of the population of the earth. What’s wrong with that you say? Its obvious I am? Well that’s what I’d imagine you’d say. Even if you don’t, I still think it.
Many people in the world believe many things, some believe in a god, whether its Christianity, Islam, Hinduism or some other, that’s all fine with me, I don’t believe in it but I’m fine with you doing that, its your choice. And each religion has its own claims to being correct.
Christianity has the bible, a rock solid account of history, well that’s what Christians say it is, and who am I to doubt that? Well, I’m me and I believe in science, and that gives me the right to look down my nose at everyone else who doesn’t think the same as me. Science, is hard fact, is definitely right because lets face it how is an omnipotent being going to hide himself from a microscope. I choose science, I like science. I like the thought that this universe and the human race is just one big crazy coincidence of location and condition. I have no problem with that.
I say I don’t think I’m better than people that are religious. Well most religions, Scientology being an exception to that statement. I believe whole heartedly that I am better than any scientologist you could throw at me. And yes this makes me even more an arsehole, and well actually it makes you one to if you feel the same as me. I have no doubt in my mind that, that ‘faith’ and it sickens me to use that term in relation with scientology, is a scam.
A hoax pulled by who ever runs it to milk the members of money, riches, bodily fluids, and whatever they can get their hands on. But what gives me the right to think this. How is the thought that humans and monkeys come from the same ancient creature, more intelligible than the theory that we are all aliens come from space in DC8’s, and thawed out in a giant volcano… Ok I guess it is that bullshit theory that gives me the right to claim a huge lead in I.Q over scientologists.
It’s the same with the big bang, the most widely agreed upon theory about the creation of the universe. Lets take a closer look at it… nothing, explosion, universe. Ah it all makes perfect sense now doesn’t it. Well maybe to Steven Hawking and Kevin Bacon the two smartest people in the world, but to Joe Bloggs on the street and Dipshit Harry his simple next door neighbour its about as clear as a bricked up window covered in mud, inconveniently located in a room full of fat people. And yet many people without a background in physics feel they have the right to laud it over religious people just because they believe in science.
Now like I said, I believe science is true, the big bang theory has some holes in it, after all it is just a theory and I’m just a dumb arse, so between those two things there are some gaps in the knowledge. But still I like to think that everything in the universe just popped into existence after some sort of cloud of smoke like a magician and a cute little rabbit. And somehow that makes more sense than a god creating it. It is that unwavering ability to dismiss every other theory of creation that makes me an arsehole, while completely happy to continue believing in for what all my knowledge amounts to is a guy in a cheap suit and sequins pulling a rodent from his hat.
Science makes me an arsehole, believing in science some how makes everything you find evidence, while being religious makes it myth. Science is great, but it’s also a whiny little dick hole that can’t stand being called wrong. Like a kid in a supermarket candy isle squirming on the floor because he wants some sugar, it just screams puts its finger in its ears and starts yelling ‘nah nah, nah nah, I can’t hear you’.
Science gives you that self assured assumption of being right, because what you have is proven, is evidence, while for some reason, a being whose evidence is one text that says he’s omnipotent, is completely unlikely. But I like science, I like that feeling of self righteousness. And that makes me an arsehole…
I guess here is my point, if you are religious the next person that talks down to you because they think science holds a better answer, get them to explain the big bang. Get them to explain any theory about light, time and gravity. Ask them about a wormhole, string theory, hell ask them about osmosis. If you are religious you know about what you believe in, how many that believe science, can say the same?
Don't forget to click the humorblogs link, I need all the help I can get.
humor-blogs.com learns everything by osmosis...
Saturday, April 05, 2008
So its saturday and that means its time for the usual display of crapitude from my pen and paper skills. Interesting week this week kids, the fan in my P.C, finally gave out succumbing to the overall suckiness of the entire machine. Meaning my promise of informing you of why I'm an 'a' hole, could not be fulfilled. But rest assured its coming next week, until then, a post inspired by my experiences this week. Brent over at the Ominous Comma may also get a familiar feeling.
humor-blogs.com is all about revenge... its almost Charles Bronson.