Saturday, May 31, 2008

Meme related thuggery... 99 down.

Ok kids, I had a busy Saturday, and I'm lazy, so no cartoon this time around. But in its place I'm going to slog this meme out that the lovely Lin handed me, bless her cotton socks. So I guess I should thank her because I have nothing else to post. So here goes lads and ladies strap yourselves in.

Relationship Status


Read between the lines kids...


Current Mood


So apparently I'm sleepy and slighty girlish... yeah that sounds about right.


Favorite Band


You know who he is... because I don't, he just looked like Raymond... you know the one, everybody loved, him apart from me.

No but seriously, I do enjoy a good bit of...



Thier cover of Rod Stewarts 'Do ya think I'm sexy' just makes you wanna strip.


Favorite Movie


Was going to make a 'Triumph of the Will' joke there, but I think this is probably even creepier. Now I've got nothing against Albinos, I just expect when they are in movies that they be creepy sicko's with a penchant for wearing suits made from 'people fabric'. This movie was just about some pale freak with special powers that he used for good... such a dissapointment.


Pets


Yes I'm Jabba the Hut... I guy can dream can't he!


Where do you live


I told you before I'm Jabba the fucking Hut, where do you think I live, we cruise the desert looking for sandpeople chicks, their not to pretty but go off in the sack... but that could just be the crushing weight.


Where do you Work
(See where do you live)

Look do we need to keep going into this, I work in the desert holding parties and lending people money...



What that... oh I just love showing people that photo.


What do you look like.
...really, you need to be reminded what a 8 foot tall, six tonne slug looks like.



Oh yes I know its mean and it's not even my joke but god dammit I'm pleased with myself for that one.

Here's the actual me.



Yeah thats right I'm still sticking with this joke, I'm Jabba... Jabba Wookey bleeurgh!!!


What do you Drive
(See Where do you Work)

Its a 1978 Pontiac Sun Barge with 50,000 miles on the clock, I'm looking to sell it if anyone wants it, its got full catering service and droids, SLAVES INCLUDED, yeah thats right I'll throw in the slaves as well.


What did you do on Saturday


Me and the lads cruised for some tail, this is Becky she was lots of fun.


What did you do on Sunday


Dodged calls from Becky turns out she's batshit crazy... like all sandpeople really


Favorite TV show


What?


Describe yourself


I'm cute arent I?


Favorite candy


I usually only eat them by accident, but well who cares.


Well that was a wierd one kids wasnt it, went off on a tangent in the middle didn't I. But you expect that don't you. Well this, kids is my 99th post, if my maths and memory serve me well, so my next one will be my 100th, yay. So stick around for that I guess and click the humorblogs link for me if you would, I seem to be dropping further down the ranks.

humor-blogs.com likes to think its Captain Kirk.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Whats wrong with the World Today: People always think the worst.



Must be in the directors cut


OK kids welcome back again lets get into it shall we. I notice many things, most things about T.V; because lets face it I watch an unhealthy amount. But I also notice things about people, you know the things outside the T.V that you can touch feel and grope where appropriate. They are lovely things most of the time, well some of the time, ok they suck are you happy now, people blow, why you ask. People always think the worst… they do, it’s true of most people.

No matter what you say there is always some whiner in the corner ready to start yelling at you because they immediately think the worst from your harmless statement. Whether they just don’t see the joke or just immediately jump to the wrong conclusion people always do it. It’s always going to happen, because there is always some saddo out there who thinks you’re trying to insult them or quash someone’s opinion and lifestyle.

Let me explain, just for example, I say this “I’m not interested in watching ‘Broke Back Mountain’, in fact I never want to see it”. Now that’s a true statement, I don’t want to see it, its not on my ‘must see’ list, its not even on my, ‘ok so there is nothing else on apart from this so I guess I’ll watch it’ list. Now if your reaction to that is ‘Oh you’re a homophobe’, your pretty much who this post is aimed at. Because you are already thinking the worst.

True, Broke Back Mountain is a movie about gay cowboys. But that’s not the reason I don’t want to watch it. It, at its heart it is a love story, a sappy, wet, film about the blossoming love between two people. There aren’t giant transforming robots, batman, explosions or Chinese bouncing zombies, so all in all a pretty dull movie by my regular viewing standards. It has nothing to do with the two leads being male and getting all brown love on us, I don’t care. I watched OZ, I saw men kissing for a good five years, hell I didn’t even wince when one guy had a spoon inserted into his clacker.

Homosexuality doesn’t bother me. I wouldn’t watch that movie even if it was a man and a woman, or even two women… oh wait, slow down there, actually I probably would, but let’s face it that movie wouldn’t come from the ‘safe’ section of the video shop. Now this isn’t all about Homosexuality and Broke Back Mountain, I’m just using it as an example, this is about people always thinking the worst. But it’s also about people forming snap decisions on you based around your throw away comments.

Now if you’ve looked at my blogger profile and taken a gander at the type of music I’m into, you’re fully aware of the fact I like heavy metal, I like it a lot. For what reason, I don’t know, but that’s a good enough reason for me and it should be good enough for you. But again it’s the reaction you get when you tell anyone that’s what you listen to.

Grandma: “So Billy what are you listening to on your podi”
Billy: “It’s an ipod grandma”
Grandma: “Don’t answer me back young lad”
Billy: “Alright easy there Gran I’m just listening to some music”
Grandma: “Bit of Pat Boone is it, or some of that nice music from that young Dean Martin”
Billy: “Actually some Death Spell Omega Grandma”
Grandma: “Is that like that horrible Elvis”
Billy: “No it’s more like some French Black Metal”
Grandma: “You into the Dark Arts Billy… hey, sucking from the teat of Lucifer are you, QUICK PA GET THE BIBLE AND HOLY WATER”

Ok so it’s a bit of an exaggeration, but it’s based in truth, you tell some one you listen to heavy metal and they look at you like you’ve just desecrated their mother’s grave. And why is it grand parents can’t seem to grasp the concept things have changed? My grandpa asked me if I’d ever been given the strap by a teacher, I said no and he almost looked disappointed. But that’s off my point. Back to Billy and Grandma, people have gathered this sick twisted distorted image about heavy metal.

Now some of it may be accurate for some of the bands or some of the fans, but kids you know me, do you think it’s likely I’m out in the moonlight every night praying to Satan and sacrificing virgin goats. People just love jumping to conclusions before they know the whole story, its just ridiculous.

Here’s a story for you kids, I went to high school, surprise, surprise there. One of the subjects I took was graphics, and one project we had to do was create a business card. I decided it would be funny to create a business card for Satan. Clever yes? Now I’m not religious at all, and I figured the whole concept of the prince of darkness having a business card was just so ridiculous, no one could take it seriously…

But well don’t you know it kids some one did, my maths teacher, who decided to ask me whether I was a Satanist, and whether I listened to a lot of Heavy Metal. Rest assured I was not and still am not a Satanist, and back then I didn’t even listen to any music really let alone Heavy Metal. But it just fits my point, people always think the worst, they love categories and social ideas about anything. Some one that watches Sci-fi must be a nerd, some one plays sport must be a jock, some one who listens to metal must be a Satanist, and so on… I guess I just want to know why people are always so negative.


humor-blogs.com only watches films with Rob Schnieder... give it a sympathy visit.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

What?

Get excited kids I'm back... I'm going to ignore the awkward silence and just imagine there is some crazy loud applause happening. Computer troubles again kids, I don't think it was a virus, I think my computer is just a little temperature temperamental, if that's possible. So no switching it off at the power from now on, screw Al Gore. But now onto the matter at hand, cartoon crapitude.



I hope that was educational for everyone out there. Now hopefully my technological worries have cleared up and I'll be back real soon with another slice of monumental humor... so look forward to that kids.

humor-blogs.com's dream is to climb Everest with a dongle in its... oh that's rude humorblogs how could you...

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Politico Five: Dem(on)ocrats... oh the pun...

Well children welcome back, again you’ve returned to this little slice of internet related infamy. So let’s get into it shall we, now a few weeks ago I thrust my grubby little mitt in the air in the hopes of reinvigorating the failing Liberal party. In a brilliant example of political satire, I replaced the members with various rappers and criminals. It was hilarious trust me. But in my hurry to help the Liberal party, I skipped over some people that need my help even more.

Like the inevitable time of the year when the budget rolls around, and we find that private schools are getting more money than they need while public schools continue to fall behind. I went straight past the people that actually need my help, the Democrats. Now for you yanks out there in Yankee land… or where ever you live, no it’s not the same group as Hilary ‘Deez Nuts’ Clinton, and Barrack ‘Kill Whitey’ Obama. This was the party founded on the basis that it didn’t want power it just wanted to sit in the senate and make sure no one else got a majority. It was there ‘to keep the bastards honest’, as they put it themselves.

But they were useless, incredibly so, and will soon cease to exist unless something can be done. And here is where I step in kids, me and my brilliant idea to reinvigorate the Australian Democrats and get them back to their heyday as a political juggernaut. But no rappers this time kids, no criminals, no whores or pimps… nope. For this we need some real hoodoo some real powerful mojo to fix the problems.

And here begins the recruitment, out are all the members, who ever they are, I can’t be bothered researching them, but that doesn’t matter because they are losers anyway. But who to replace them with, who intelligent and on the ball enough could be a decent replacement, is what I’m thinking… but then I just say ah fuck it… lets replace them with demons. God old fashioned evil as sin, children eating demons… its perfect isn’t it.



Belphegor, a happy young creature from Christian mythology. This little rapscallion is often associated with helping people make discoveries. Making people believe that they will get rich really easily if they follow his advice, often which requires very little effort. So where to slot this happy chappie into the ministry… Minister for Technology, maybe. With his penchant for giving ideas that require little effort, he could be in charge of infrastructure… I’m sure the roads system couldn’t be any worse under him, little effort is what so many public buildings are crying out for.



Pazazu, demon of the winds and all around nice guy from the Assyro-Babylonian cultures and exorcist movies, and the bearer of storms and drought. Often seen with an animal head and a human body, I reckon he’s a dam fine fit for the environment minister. What with his ability to control the weather and the climate I’m pretty sure breaking the drought would be as easy as a snap of the fingers, or the blood of a virgin… either way it’s all looking up. There could be some problems with the public because of his penchant for possessing people, but well we all have our annoying habits don’t we, I mean at least he’s not a smoker.



The Rusalka, fish women and nymph like creatures from Slavic traditions. Often thought to appear at midnight, attract lonely men and then take them back to the bottom of a lake to live with them. Doesn’t sound that bad if you ask me, so where do we cram them in kids, well its tempting to make them minister for aged care. I think there is far worse ways to deal with our elderly, hell kerosene baths have to be far worse than living with some watery bitch at the bottom of a lake.

Zmeu, Romanian dragon like creature and general all around bad dude. Told to be quite interested in making weapons and marrying young girls, so pretty much the perfect politician then isn’t he. One story goes he stole the sun and the moon from the sky. So obviously we have to make a new portfolio for him, minister of privatisation, obviously he took the sun and the moon for he purposes of selling them to the highest commercial bidder. It’s a genius plan it puts the natural resource of light into the commercial sector, and allows the government to stop having to worry about such things as people being able to see.

The Djinn, Islamic genie type beastie and loving carer of kiddies and women. Often said to sneak up on pregnant women steal their babies and have off with them, or just grab someone’s lungs from inside their chest so they can’t scream for help. Ha ha, those scamps, now what to do with them, obviously a great resource to have. Communication, why not, they can’t be any worse for the system than we have now, and besides without lungs who are you going to talk to.



Mictlantecuhtli, Aztec God of the lower most part of the underworld, often associated with cannibalism and pictured wearing a necklace made from human eyeballs. I’m going to stick him in charge of the arts, because hell if you’ve got the balls to wear an eyeball necklace after Labor Day then you must know something about art and style… or at least being so hideously post modern you’re willing to eat your neighbours. With skulls and bones being popular in Aztec culture, and not so much in others, it is sure to suit him since most people don’t get art either.

Now I think we will call that a day kids, quite the make over wouldn’t you say. I know if that line up shows up come Election Day I’ll be voting for them, at least out of fear. And what more can you ask for from your politicians, vote for us or we'll horribly kill you… hell it works in Zimbabwe.

humor-blogs.com thinks Pazazu got a raw deal in The Exorcist…

Saturday, May 03, 2008

What?

Saturday again kids so its time for another cartoon, this week we delve into the secret CIA files... Enjoy at your own peril.



Well laugh it up people and pop back soon for more from this little conspirator, oh and on your way out click that humorblogs link for me will you, cheers.

humor-blogs.com isnt sure where Elvis is...