Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Sphinctorial Response: Flight of the Conchords



Oh hello kids welcome back, this time, we delve into the dark gooey centre of something new, like some mysterious chocolate bar you found lying on the street, picked up and hurriedly devoured. Well kids I don’t think you should be eating things you find on the street; it’s never a good idea. But enough prattle, what in the name of Jesus’ pet flying squirrel Vlad, is a Sphinctorial Response.

Well kids there is this saying, that opinions are like assholes/arseholes (depending where you’re from), in that everyone’s got one. I like to add to that that everyone else’ always stinks as well as a funny little by line, aren’t I clever? Well? So for those of you with a working set of brain cells, you can probably guess that a Sphinctorial Response is just my disgusting way of saying this is my opinion. Opinion on what exactly, well to be honest its probably going to be TV shows mostly, but occasionally when something catches my eye, you’ll get my arsehole on something else… oh sorry my opinion.

Flight of the Conchords, the new HBO comedy show featuring New Zealand’s fourth most popular folk parody duo. And apparently one of the things currently melting YouTube’s servers through mass traffic and ‘rofl’ing. This show only recently came to Australia after quite some wait. I was quite looking forward to seeing it, I’d seen the duo on a comedy show on Australian TV and quite enjoyed their droll delivery and better than average musical comedy. But, and for some reason I feel guilty about saying this, I don’t think the current HBO show stands up to the hype for me.



I wanted to like it, I really did. There are very few good sitcoms around today so to get one with some actual good comedians in it, was like having Anne Hathaway turn up on your front door wearing naught but a edible g-string holding a rather large machine gun. But when it got here, I had a few chuckles and then just waited for the half an hour to be over. The two stars are never really the best bits of the show either; it’s constantly lifted from under them by their manager Murray, Arj Barker, and Christine Schall, who is quite possibly a horse.

I feel guilty about not laughing at FOTC, because apparently it’s meant to be the funniest thing since watching Robert Mugabe chow down on a shit sandwich. But for me the line they walk between low key humor and no key humor is just very blurry. I’m not the biggest fan of musical comedy. Lets face it its stupid rhymes set to music (and eventually someone is going to say ‘fuck’ because for some reason singing that word is hilarious), which is only funny the first two times you hear it, if that. Now for some reason FOTC is compared with the Mighty Boosch.

Which would be the wrong thing to do; yes they both have musical interludes in them. But FOTC isn’t a brilliant spoof of just about every children’s show from the seventies and eighties. The set design and the characterisation of the Boosch characters brings about that feeling that you’re watching HR Puff ’n’ Stuff on acid, peyote, and about 12 other hallucinogens at the same time. The Mighty Boosch still remains the bench mark of surrealist low key humor in my opinion.

FOTC is worth a few chuckles, and a smirk here and there but I just can’t bring myself to agree that it’s as good as everyone thinks it is. And I’m really sick of people saying if you’re not laughing, you just don’t get it. No, I get it, I’m just not laughing, it works both ways. I’ll agree its better than most of the guff on TV, but that’s really not saying much now is it.

I find myself being angry at the show because it hides a much better show (that’s on directly after it on a different channel) in its shadow. I know its not FOTC fault, but my TV guide, ‘The Green Guide’, has reviewed it (FOTC) about four times, in the past six weeks. Yet I’ve never heard even a peep about the far superior show that comes on just after it. That show is ‘It’s always Sunny in Philadelphia’.


Where else can you get Danny Devito saying his going to 'trip' his balls off.


The show is something to behold, complete nonsensical situations with complete arseholes of characters, but it manages to avoid that ‘oh shit I can’t watch’ painfulness of 'Curb your Enthusiasm'. The best way to describe it I guess would be a mix between 'Curb' and ‘Arrested Development’ which is the best sitcom EVER (well… I might be getting ahead of myself there). Using my powers of detection and IMDB, the show ran for three seasons (32 episodes). Which is more than I thought it would get, but seems to have run its course now (whether it was cancelled or what I don’t know). Either way I hope you saw it somewhere along the line. To any Australians reading this, when FOTC finishes on Sunday night, its not bedtime yet, stick around and watch IASIP, please just once, for me.

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Saturday, July 26, 2008

Saturday Serial



Part 1 is here Part 6 is here
Part 2 is here
Part 3 is here
Part 4 is here
Part 5 is here

Part 7
We rejoin our tale as Billy and Scruffs scrounge deeper and deeper into the mine shaft. Billy busy dreaming of golden treasure chests and massive diamonds, while Scruffs dreams of a stop to the East’s proliferation of dam dirty stinking commie atomic bombs.

“Scruffs quick come here boy look what I found” Billy yells excitedly as his furry companion ambles up next to him for a better look at what he’s digging at. Billy paws through the dirt hurriedly at the artefact he has found. He pulls it from the dirt and rubs it on his shirt to clean it. “Wow Scruffs look at this it’s a… a…”

“Bark, arrrgh, bark” Scruffs yelps, Billy stops for a second then looks at him.

“Hey Scruffs your right, it is an Indian dagger, I wonder how old it is, maybe it was used to scalp people” Billy excitedly says clutching the knife and waving it around his face. He’s still waving the knife about when he notices Scruffs ears have pricked up, Scruffs being such a good dog always knows when trouble is a foot. Scruffs walks back towards the entrance a few steps and then stops and growls.

“What is it Scruffs” Billy says quietly, listening intently with strong patriot ears. Slowly he can hear it, boom… boom… boom, noise like he has never heard before. Billy scratches his head with thought, what could that noise be. Sensing the imminent danger coming from the loud noise Billy immediately runs towards it to check it out. But before he can exit the mineshaft, he hears another noise, a rumbling, and he remembers, Captain Patriot versus the Mole People. A cave in, to avoid being crushed by boulders weighing tonnes he remembers his lessons from school.

Duck and cover. Boulders will roll right off if you just duck and cover. But meanwhile while Billy practices his ducking and covering, mom Dad and Archie standout out in the open air, not air of freedom and jollity though for they too hear the terrible noise. Boom, boom, boom, closer and closer all the time until there, from around the back of a large stack of Mesa Rocks.

“Communists” whispers Archie hoping they want hear him properly.

“Giant Communists” says Dad sizing up the massive Red Soldier, “He must be eighty feet tall”

“A commie that big could spread propaganda on a monumental scale” Archie adds taking another bite of the chicken wing he’d taken from the picnic basket.

“I think we should get in the car and leave” mom whispers meekly, Archie and Dad turn around look at her disapprovingly, “Oh I’m sorry I mean I ‘feel’ we should leave in the car”

Dad and Archie both give a smile to show mom she’s phrasing herself correctly.

“We don’t need women thinking at a time like this dear” Dad adds a few seconds later. All three of them back towards the car, slowly, unfortunately mom has left the picnic basket right in Dads creeping path and he steps right into it causing all the plates to shatter.

“Oh Dam you, you commie loving picnic basket” Dad screams at the top of his lungs. He stops still and looks over to the giant red soldier, whose giant yes are now trained on the group of three.

“Now that was your fault dear” Dad says as he looks at mom.

Will mom ever recover from this shame, will they make it to the car, will Billy and Scruffs find their way out of the mine shaft, tune in next week and find out!

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Tuesday, July 22, 2008

A special entry: Bird Flu edition...



Alex L: “Ah, no, no, ARRRGGGHHH”
Pope Terry: “Oh Christ what’s wrong with you
Alex: “I have bird flu”
Pope: “You do not stop being a bitch”
Alex: “Bitch this [grabs crutch] slapnut, you’re not the one whose skull has melted inside their head”
Pope: “It’s not freaking bird flu”
Alex: “No your right its not, its worse its like, Mink, or Lizard Flu…”
Pope: “You’re such a…”
Alex: “[cough cough] Maybe worse, what’s the current quarantine level on Elephant Flu”
Pope: “Shut up dickwick”
Alex: “It’s a pandemic people run for your lives”
Pope: “Oh god”
Alex: “I never thought I’d be the carrier monkey”
Pope: “Have some orange juice you’ll feel better later”
Alex: “Tell my wife I love her”
Pope: “You’re not married”
Alex: “And tell the neighbours I hate them, spit on them if possible, actually use my corpse as an infectious bomb, launch it over the fence with a catapult”
Pope: “I’m not doing that”
Alex: “But you’ll have to get it back, I want to be buried with full military honours, then put the video on YouTube”
Pope: “I’m leaving [stands and walks to door]”
Alex: “You can’t ignore me… I am you, you are me, we are the same, The Ipcis File will be uncovered”
Pope: “What?”
Alex: “Uhhh, nothing, don’t worry about that… can you get my mum for me”
Pope: “…Yeah [scratches head and closes door behind him]”

Well kids now that that’s out of the way, guess whose back, yes you crazy little peanuts it’s your favourite little pontiff. Back to fill in for Coughing McWheezy who has a cold, and can’t stop making those annoying phlegm gargling noises. I thought I’d come back and just talk to you a bit about what has been going on in the life of Pope Terry the 666th. But being an Alter Ego it’s really not much.

So let’s just look at the mess the author has gotten this fine example of internet crankery into. Look at that header, it’s a mess isn’t it, cluttered and completely unorganised. I’m guessing he’s never even seen that movie, let alone has any idea what it’s about.

Pope: “[Walks back to door] What’s ‘The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie’ about?”
Alex: “Ummm… tuna”

Exactly, but like a good blogger he doesn’t let the absence of knowledge get him down, forge on you imbecile, forge on like the idiot you are. When I had the reins of this little shindig at least there was some sort of theme, or some metaphorical rope holding it all together, now it’s just a mess.

Alex: “A better spelt mess”
Pope: “Shit spelt right is still just shit”
Alex: “You know I can just put you back in my head again don’t you”
Pope: “Yeah, but your not going to this is probably the best chance you’ve got this year to be funny”
Alex: “I’m sick I don’t need this shit, I’m going back to bed”

I guess I wouldn’t be here if he didn’t feel the same way, that this has blog has become less humorous since I was dropped for his actual persona. Now there wasn’t really that much difference between me and him. But I think the comfort that went along with being able to say ‘it’s a character’. Lead him to be a little more open in what he said. Of course in the absence of a joke there was always a completely false and misleading anecdote to plough through.

And let’s face it the Catholic Church is great for making stuff up about. Like this, when all the cardinals get bored we tuck our robes into our underwear, and try and smack each other on the arse with Papal paddles. See it’s not particularly clever but still nonetheless effective in getting a cheap laugh, and what’s better than being cheap?

Alex: “A big cock”
Pope: “What?”
Alex: “A big cock is better than being cheap”
Pope: “Are you sure you want to get into that here”
Alex: “… actually being cheap is pretty good isn’t it”
Pope: “Yeah I thought so”
Alex: “You just wait until the Ipcis file comes out”
Pope: “Oh stew me plumbs you sick little monkey what in the name of holy cheeses is the Ipcis file”
Alex: “Don’t pretend like you don’t know [turns and walks away]”
Pope: “Right that’s it [picks up weighty bible follows to other room]”
Alex: “You think you can keep this covered up [thud]… [crash]”

Right so where were we, being cheap that’s right, but what am I saying, why am I here. Well I guess it’s really just as a warning, that I will be back, not full time, but every now and then, when he (Alex) can’t think of anything to write I shall come back and fill in for him. Because he misses me, not that he’ll admit it, but he does, and I know you do to, so keep watch for the man in the big hat.

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Saturday, July 19, 2008

Saturday Serial



Part 1 is here
Part 2 is here
part 3 is here
part 4 is here
part 5 is here

Part 6
We rejoin our tail of terrifying terror and intriguing intrigue, as Billy and Scruffs, cavort with joyous abandon in the desert near fellows rock. He and Scruffs roll in the free sands of America enjoying every moment, what tremendous honour it is that god blessed America.

“Hey Scruffs come here boy, lets go and see if we can find a cave, or a mineshaft.” Says Billy, as he gestures to Scruffs to follow. Only stopping to once again try and prize the coin embedded in his ear free. “Boy Scruffs this penny sure is stuck in there, I think I need a better spot to put my candy money”

Scruffs looks at Billy and barks in agreement.

“Awrh Scruffs” Billy says, as he laughs at his dog. The two run further off into the desert away from Fellows rock, and away from his mom and Dad. In the distance cut into the wall of some huge mesa rocks they see a chance for adventure. The entrance to an old mineshaft cries out for exploration. The ragged wood blocking the opening only just barely tacked on.

“Quick Scruffs lets go in and check it out” Billy yells as he climbs through the gap in the planks, Scruffs stands there at the entrance, barking. Cautiously he steps forward sniffing the air as he goes. Scruffs’ being a good old fashioned American pooch, knows the danger of playing in old abandoned mineshafts without your parents permission. But being the loyal sidekick he is eventually follows Billy into the dark.

Outside the shaft though only a few minutes later, sprinting past on the winds of freedom energy comes Archie, running for all his patriotic worth. Straight past the mineshaft where Billy and Scruffs have just gone exploring, Archie keeps on running to Fellows rock and hopefully safety. In the distance between the salt bushes he can spot a car and a couple picnicking, enjoying the serenity of being free and unoppressed.

Dad who has now seen Archie running towards them stands up and takes a few puffs on his pipe, he knew he should have bought his fighting pipe with him, this panting character looked untrustworthy. Archie now with in speaking distance starts yelling.

“We have to go, there are Communists at the Power Station we need to warn people” He screamed at mom and Dad as he stopped and lit up another Langmoore cigarette. Dad hearing this spits out his picnic pipe and immediately paints a face of worried concern on his face.

“Dear American god of freedom and constitutional gun ownership, is this true or just some kind of sick joke” He yells back, as he grabs Archie and shakes him by the arms.

“I swear its all true sir, we have to go and warn the National Guard, and the President” Archie says as he is still being shaken vigorously by Dad. Suddenly though mom Dad and Archie stop, for in the distance they can hear something, a noise so terrible and horrendous it shakes them to their very core as freedom loving Americans.

What’s the noise, where is it coming from, what is Billy and Scruffs doing, fucked if I know but tune in next week and find out!

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Tuesday, July 15, 2008

A special entry: An Ominous sense of 'Help'



So a short while ago Brent D over at the Ominous Comma put out a challenge to humor bloggers. So why have I taken it up you ask… well ha-ha very funny you really know how to hurt a guy don’t you. The challenge was to write a post or something similar in the vein of helping people to blog. Because that’s what the world needs isn’t it, more bloggers.

But never being one to pass up a chance to steal an idea here I am, ready and willing to help out all those who can’t come up with ideas for themselves… hmmm is that irony. Eh who cares? What have I come up with, what juicy piece of help, have I scrounged up from my insipid little brain to share with all of you.

How many times have you been writing a post, or trying to start one and you just can’t think of anything. Racking your imagination for even the tiniest morsel of creativity, you find nothing, nothing. Aren’t you stupid. But what is the problem, well it’s you, because you’re going through your mind.

The solution, W.W.J.D, yes that’s right kids What Would Jesus Do? Well maybe not Jesus, there aren’t many situations were getting everyone drunk and feeding them fish sandwiches is going to be the key to solving the problem. That’s why I’m here to show you how to solve the problem. Let’s stick with the W.W.J.D formula but change up the person. Think of it as searching for your own muse, handpicking your own creative source to turn to when you feel the stupid wash over you.

I’ve tried many people; I had W.W.C.D, which was What Would Columbo Do? That wasn’t as handy has it might have been, since I just ended up hitting the sauce pretty hard and not showering for a few weeks at a time. I did solve a few murders but you have to make a choice, solving crime or personal hygiene.



I turned next to an old favourite W.W.I.D, in which I put myself into Isaac from The Loveboats shoes. And another failure, my suave nature and smooth moves helped me with the ladies and mending broken relationships, mostly with the help of strong fruity cocktails. But on the blogging front no help. Who knew Isaac was completely illiterate.



Then there was W.W.G.M.P.M.D, maybe the least helpful of all my muse selections. Asking yourself what would a Giant Monkey Prey Mantis do, doesn’t tend to aid you in creating blog posts. Smashing cities to the ground, destroying the hopes and dreams of the working class, with its powerful laser beam eyes of simian insectiod rage, maybe. Coming up with something witty for people to read and smirk at, not so much.

Where did I turn next, ah yes a personal favourite, W.W.R.S.D. Famous Hollywood cinematographer and owner of my favourite name in the history of the world 'Reed Smoot'. What would Reed do?

REED SMOOT!

But not knowing Reed, having never met him I assume that he would probably just start making disparaging remarks about people and their sexual habits. Because lets face it, it doesn’t take to much original thought to say that Molly Ringwald has a thing for Raccoons.

Which I guess is my point, if you’re stuck for ideas try putting yourself in other people’s shoes, go through your thoughts differently. Failing that just say that Tom Cruise interferes with anteaters. Everyone can laugh at that.

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Saturday, July 12, 2008

Saturday Serial



Part 1 is here
Part 2 is here
Part 3 is here
Part 4 is here

Part 5

We come back to our story of Democracy and its fight to be free somewhere near the desert badlands, Billy his mom and Dad, are peacefully driving around enjoying the scenery of their picturesque American dream. All is well for them at the moment, they plan to picnic at Fellows Rock, a natural stone formation, famous for its uncanny similarity to George Washington.

“Now Mexico, how on Earth do they expect to be accepted modern society if they only eat corn, its ridiculous. And all that fighting they did with the founding fathers, and they want a new Mexico for that, no way I don’t think so” Dad said in a loud authoritative voice, his hands adding extra emphasis to his words as he waved and pointed vigorously. The family drove on.

“Ah Fellows Rock, it’s really a much nicer place now that they put this car park in.” Dad said as he pulled he car into the lot and found a park, they were the only ones there to enjoy the splendour. He turned to mom and said “Dear could you pass me my Picnic pipe from the glove box”

She dutifully obeyed taking his driving pipe and gloves from him and placing them in the glove box of the car, and taking out the Picnic pipe handed it to Dad.

“There you are dear” She said quietly keeping in mind that a ladies voice can be harmful to a mans hearing, so it should not be used unnecessarily. She waited whilst Dad got out of the car and strolled around to the passenger side door to open it for her. Billy being the good son he was got out himself, it was easy as he didn’t wear a seatbelt, no one in the family did, as Dad always says ‘What is this Russia’. Seatbelts aren’t for freedom.

With blanket and picnic basket in hand, they set off to find their usual spot I the middle of the car park, it was much nicer than the dirt of the desert Dad said. ‘Civilised’ he called it, because you never know who’s been on the dirt. And as everyone knows American asphalt doesn’t carry germs. Blanket spread out, Dad smoking his Picnic pipe the family sat and started to enjoy some good old American chow.

Meanwhile a few miles away running through the desert as fast as his legs would carry him Archie puffed and panted as he made his way to the closest landmark, Fellows Rock. He knew he must tell someone quickly of the danger that lurked at the power plant, he couldn’t stop. And like a strong American athlete pushed on in the face of his fatigue.

Only stopping every now and then to light up a fresh Langmoore cigarette. The cigarette that gives you energy, and calms your nerves, smooth refreshing, Langmoore. In the distance he could see it coming closer; the giant head of freedom in the harsh desert, a symbol of mans conquering of nature, Fellows Rock.

But little does he know of how greater a trouble lurks behind him, will Archie be safe, will mom’s upside down cake please Dad, will Billy retrieve the penny that’s been secretly stuck in his ear for the last 2 months. Find out next week!

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Tuesday, July 08, 2008

It's a motion picture: The Departed



Now I have no doubt that Martin Scorsese is a good director, Taxi Driver, Goodfellas, Weekend at Bernie’s, all great films, and great examples of his talent. But some times I think it’s just not all there when he directs a film. I recently experienced ‘The Departed’ the movie Marty finally won an Oscar for. The movie based on a Taiwanese film called ‘Infernal Affairs’, starring the godly Andy Lau. Now that film was good, it was really good. The fact that the characters were an undercover crook pretending to be a cop, and an undercover cop pretending to be a crook was kind of kept a surprise.

And I think that helped the film, but Marty didn’t do that, and who am I to argue with Marty. Well I’m me, that’s who, so Marty fans be prepared. Now I realise this is something different, reviewing a film people may actually have seen, or want to see, so I’ll try not to ruin anything. Ah fuck, no I will ruin it, I have to.

The acting is weird; I’m not familiar with the Bostonese language, so I have no idea if Matt Damon was playing his role seriously. Leo Dicaprio, isn’t tough, he never will be. He’s like a Dugong, it might scare you initially under water but after that stick your finger in its blow hole and watch it choke. And Mark Wahlberg is… I don’t know really I can’t decide whether he can act or not. He just kind of shows up and gets angry in this.

I said this film was an experience didn’t I, I didn’t say I watched it. I didn’t say I enjoyed it or I hated it. Because quite frankly I don’t know what I feel about this movie. The best way I could describe it is purgatory, just two and a bit hours of blah and then a rather stupid ending. As I was watching it, I saw Jack Nicolson, I didn’t like him, I guess that’s what was intended. I saw Ray Winston under used something chronic, and I spent a fair amount of time wondering if people from Boston really talk like that?


Ray should of done more!


What I didn’t see however, is whether I actually liked or disliked it. In ‘Sexy Beast’, Ben Kingsley and Ray Winston, playing gangsters, that was a good movie, that made me feel something. I thoroughly disliked Ben Kingsley’s character in that, but with Jack Nicolson’s character in ‘The Departed’, it was just more of ‘oh yeah he’s a jerk and all but…’. The whole thing just seemed so passive.

To me it’s really the worst kind of movie, because movies are either meant to leave you loving or hating something. With all the other movies I’ve reviewed on this blog, they were either so terrible they were good. Or they are just so genuinely suck arse bad, I feel like I’ve been on the wrong end of a pool filter. But with ‘The Departed’, nothing, in a few weeks I’m quite sure I’ll forget everything about it. Now while I’ll forget the few good things, I’ll also forget all the bad things, which probably pisses me off more.

Who has seen ‘Mystery Science Theatre 3000’, don’t be scared put up your hands. Now all those movies they looked at were terrible, appalling, but in a good way. But you remember those movies, ‘The Departed’ though doesn’t even register as having been watched. And even with films I hate, like ‘X-Men’, ‘Spiderman’, ‘Wild Strawberries’, ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’. I’m going to remember them because I remember how they raped characters I loved, tested my patience with their lengths, were just over pretentious Swedish crap, or were directorial wank fests that might as well have been footage of Stanley Kubrick jacking his hot spicy boner for 6 hours*.

Now I realise that’s a rather odd assortment of films to mention but well, there the ones I hate, but I remember them. ‘The Departed’ will just be lost amongst the ether of my mind. Lost in the haze, until I’m mixing up bits of it with ‘Teen Gangsta Assault party 4’ and ‘Davey Uses the Word ‘Fist’ as a Verb’**.

Now to ruin the end, so spoiler alert, if you don’t want to know how it ends stop reading now. Martin Sheen is killed, which was a shame, because he was nice, but that’s the way the story of the original goes so he has to die. Of course Nicolson gets it at the hand of Damon, and in something I thought was completely unnecessary Ray Winston ate the end of his own gun only moments before that. Leo gets shot by Anthony Anderson who doesn’t play loud black guy for the first time in a movie he’s been in. And then just to make it convoluted he (Anderson) gets shot by a second undercover crook. Funeral, twenty one gun salute, exposition, blah, blah, blah, conclusion.

Right at the end Mark Wahlberg shows up again and shoots Matt Damon in the face. Which is how all movies should end I reckon, ‘Terminator 4’, ‘The Bourne part time job at Woolworths’, ‘Pride and Prejudice’. Every movie, bam right in the face! It just kind of degenerates into one big massive ball of stupidity. It all felt like some sort of sci-fi show, watch Star Trek or Star Gate, and you’ll understand the feeling. The last ad breaks been and they are still trapped on the planet, and then all of a sudden within 45 seconds the entire story’s wrapped up everyone’s dead or safe and back on the Enterprise.

You kind of feel cheated but your used to it, it happens every week. But it never really annoyed me, that’s the weird thing about ‘The Departed’. It’s kind of stupid, the acting isn’t great, the last shot of a rat walking across a railing just seems like Marty trying to be cheeky, even though its just the last groan in a movie of more than a few. I didn’t like it, but I didn’t hate it either, I can’t believe I just reviewed a movie I have no opinion of.


*Technically, A Space Odyssey is brilliant, the set design is something to behold, but the actual film… well you know my feelings.

**Either film may not actually exist.

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Saturday, July 05, 2008

Saturday Serial



Part 1 is here
Part 2 is here
Part 3 is here

Part 4
We rejoin our tale or terror and intrigue back in Suburbia, unsuspecting of the danger that lurks a few miles away Billy and his family prepare for their weekly Saturday drive. It’s important for the environment to have enough healthy oil particles in the atmosphere, so every week Billy Mom and Dad go for a drive to do their bit for the precious eco system of America.

“Come on now Billy we have to go, its important we are back before four o’clock so your mother can make my dinner” Dad said stoking up his driving pipe.

“Oh yes sir” Billy replied as he leapt into the back seat with Scruffs. Scruffs put his paws up on the open window of the car and stuck his nose out.

“Come on dear” Dad said looking disapprovingly at his watch “You girls and your make up” He added as she came wandering out the front of the house in her driving dress.

“I’m sorry dear I just could find my other ear ring” She replied to dad keeping her head down.

“Ha that’s girls for you” Dad said looking at Billy and winking “Lose their heads if it wasn’t attached” he went on, he and Billy chuckled and Scruffs gave an approving bark. Mom and Dad got in the front seat, Mom sat legs together clutching her bag that lay on her lap, like a proper lady should. Dad took a few puffs on his driving pipe then put on his driving gloves. The tight leather squeaked as it stretched across his hands.

“Now what shall I talk about as were driving” He asked Mom and Billy.

“Couldn’t we all talk dear” Mom asked

“Ha-ha ha-ha, no one wants to here about pots and pans sweetie, I think its best if you just keep your mouth closed until I ask you to speak” Dad said laughingly, Mom sure was pretty but like all women she had nothing to add to intelligent conversation. “Billy how about you, what do you want me to talk about” Dad asked his son.

“How about space Dad, can you talk about that?!” Billy excitedly asked, hoping dearly Dad would say yes.

“Maybe later” Dad said disapprovingly “Why don’t I just talk abut the usual thing.”

Mom and Billy just nodded as a good family should and started listening intently to the man of the house.

“Where was I up to?” Dad asked

“Sweden dear” Mom answered.

“Ah yes Sweden, filthy clock making commies, now the reason that god hates the Swedes is simple. It’s the cheese, all the dam holes in it. Any country that makes a cheese and then puts holes in it is truly in the grips of Satan. Swiss Cheese is evil, creamily textured evil with bite.” Dad said as he started the car and pulled out of the drive way, up the street all the families were doing the same, going for their Saturday drive, unaware at what lay in store…

“So family lets go for a drive out to the badlands” Dad said

What danger lurks for Billy and his family, why are the Swedes so damn evil, and what’s wrong with Mexico tune in next week to find out.

humor-blogs.com always listens to the man of the house.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

A special entry: Say what you mean, Lads?


Well does it?


You may remember last week kids I talked about how people say things that aren’t always accurate. Things that don’t always match their thoughts, and after taking a good old stab at the ladies I promised to take one at the men. And since I’m just a really good down to earth honest kind of guy, here it is. I wasn’t lying, so that’s a first really, you should feel honoured and impressed.

But where to start, men are really quite hard to dissect because we are layered creatures ingenious with our many disguises and… layers, like an onion in fancy dress pretending to be Corey Feldman in Meatballs 4. We are hard to classify and even harder to… erh who am I kidding, were not really. There isn’t much to dissect here people but for the sake of continuity let’s start with the questions from the ladies.

Recall this memory couples, your walking down the street, hand in hand and some foxy young thing walks past. Ladies you either pretend you didn’t see your hubby/partners neck spin off its axis for a better look. Or you slapped him really hard for making that chick from the exorcist look like she was on downers. The follow up to that could be this question ‘do you find her attractive’, which is already a coded land mine so be careful lads. Now if he answers ‘no’, well he’s lying, that’s a guarantee, because quite frankly it’s a lady… that’s not to say men are attracted to just anything.

Its more that, and I’ve noticed this as I’ve gotten older, the ‘hot’ category expands exponentially. And if he answers yes he is only being honest, which is what you want isn’t it ladies? Isn’t it? Any way moving on lets head back to the ‘which one’ problem from last week. The perennial choice between two objects put forward by the female half of the equation. Now ladies if the response is ‘they are both great’, he doesn’t care, he just straight up couldn’t give a shit, I can tell you that right now. Wicker baskets, which dress, what color, it doesn’t matter, if there is no clear pointing with the finger, the most powerful communication tool, ‘he no care’.

The grunt, the non-descript noise made by males everywhere as an all purpose communication. It could mean many things depending on the situation in which it’s employed. ‘Watcha doin’ would get the ‘oh jesus’ grunt meaning, whatever he’s doing probably involves the TV, grown men and a ball and he doesn’t want to talk. ‘Watcha thinkin’, is always going to get the ‘blank’ groan. Which like the ‘which one’ verbal tick for women, is also a complete subconscious response. He’s either not thinking anything, or he’s thinking something so horribly dirty, an on the spot divorce could be warranted. So the blank groan is employed as a defence tactic a short distraction while the brain powers back up to think of a lie.


Wife: "What are you thinking"
Husband: "Oh erh.. nothing really"
Wife: "You must be thinking something"
Husband: "No, my mind was blank"
Wife: "Come on just tell me, everyones thinking something"
Husband: "You really want to know, I mean really"
Wife: "Yeah thats why I asked"
Husband: "Well I was thinking about Shirley the next door neighbour covered in custard..."
Wife: "Oh I..."
Husband: "Dont interupt dear I wasnt finished yet, as well as her seventeen year old step daughter Megan... but she was cover in butterscotch, you know how much I like butterscotch"


Though ladies I would suggest that each male is different so each will have their own groan response to questions they really don’t want to answer. With time you should learn most of them, and remember the groan is a response (as certified by the International Conversation Council*) so you can’t complain.

Pickup lines, we’ve all been on either one end or the other of one of these, coming from a female they probably just mean ‘I would like to get to know you more’. Coming from a man on the other hand there’s generally a few hints of some other undertones. Mainly the ‘I want to see you naked undertone’. And depending on the time of night is a good indicator of how much he would like to see you naked. Earlier in the night, your pretty high on the list, as the night wears on though… well the term ‘last resort’ is such a harsh one.

But those lines don’t always work do they so some people have to resort to want ads, where ever they may be located whether in print or on the net, to find some affection. This is wear the tyranny of language really gets unfurled, and you really have to have your bullshit meter strapped on to detect it. Let’s take a look at a fictitious want ad.

Wanted, accommodating real woman, for love and fun times, with boyish man with incredible charm. Has to be open to new experiences and willing to go with the flow, and must appreciate simple things in life.


Oh its kind of sweet isn’t it, some guy wants a girl to come and be friends with him to start a relationship that will hopefully prosper into something more. But that’s not what the guy means, here is my translation.

Wanted, fat slut for hot sweaty action. I have a video camera and my parent’s basement, and a high speed internet connection, maybe you can be the next Paris Hilton, and I’ll be the next Verne Troyer. Hope you wont be shocked by my sex dungeon, if you are we can go and get pizza in my parents car.



Come on ladies hes single... and how many guys to you know that look this good in latex


Its not so romantic anymore is it? What have we learnt over these last two weeks kids, nothing have we, you all knew this before you bothered to read these posts, that people don’t say what they mean. Its human nature, it’s the vibe, it’s Mabo… hmmm a ‘The Castle’ reference, no ones going to get that are they, eh who cares it’s your fault for not being Australian. For all our intelligence, society, art, technology, humans seem to do a lot of dancing around the point. When is the last time your dog asked you if he was getting fat? I mean I like the opposable thumbs just fine. But is the rest of it really worth it? At least with the monkeys you get a straight response.

*The I.C.C may not exist…

humor-blogs.com is after some love... its a very lonely website.