Monday, September 29, 2008

Talk to Liam: Liam talks to the neighbourhood.

Liam: “[climbs on roof of house, pulls megaphone to mouth] Attention neighbourhood… hello, testing, testing one two three… IT’S NOT A TUMOR”
Tony: “[walks over to Bill who is standing in front yard] What’s he doing now?”
Bill: “I don’t know… it can’t be good though”
Liam: “[starts pacing back and forward on roof] We stand on a precipice, a metaphorical cliff if you will, a great drop into the unknown”
Tony: “What’s this about Liam?”
Liam: “[stops pacing and looks down on the gathering crowd] Terrorism”
Crowd: “[collective groan]”
Bill: “What about it Liam?”
Liam: “[starts pacing again] It's here, in this country this state, this street even, and we have to plan… we have to organise should anything happen. [stops and adjusts tie] I have come up with a plan”
Tony: “[quietly to Bill] Oh god”

Liam: “It’s a good plan and everyone should follow it”
Bill: “Why? Why should we follow your plan?”
Liam: “Because I have the megaphone?”
Bill: “That’s not a good enough reason”
Tony: “And beside who even gave you a megaphone”
Liam: “Your Mama”
Tony: “Oh that’s real mature Liam, I was just asking”
Liam: “No I’m serious she did, she’s on the roof with me”
Tony: “What? [takes few steps forward]”
Tony's Mum: “[stands up] Hello dear”
Tony: “Mum?”
Liam: “As I said I have the megaphone”
Tony: “Mum what are you doing on his roof?”
Tony’s Mum: “I was invited?”
Bill: “Was that a question”
Tony: “Liam what are you doing with my mum on your roof?”
Liam: “Planning?”

Bill: “Why is everyone phrasing things as a question?”
Tony: “Who cares Bill, why is my Mum and my weirdo neighbour on a roof planning anti terrorism measures?”
Liam: “Anti Terrorism?”
Tony: “What?!... Mum just get down from there, what would dad say?”
Tony’s Mum: “Why don’t you ask him he’s around the back in the spa?”
Tony: “In the spa? [runs off into Liam’s backyard]”
Tony’s Mum: “The spa?”
Bill: “The spa?... oh god now I’m doing it”
Liam: “[starts pacing again] Enough distractions people, we need to organise, as I said terrorism is here and we don’t want to be left behind, we should plan for it, be ready and know when to strike”
Bill: “[rubs forehead] Ok just to be clear… are you planning anti terrorist or pro terrorist measures?”
Liam: “[pulls megaphone away from mouth and thinks for a bit] Which is the one with the jack ‘o’ lanterns?”
Crowd: “[collective groan]”
Bill: “[breathes deeply for a few seconds] That’s Halloween, and that’s not for months”
Liam: “Are you sure?”
Bill: “Am I sure? Oh god dammit!”

Tony: “[climbing onto roof] What the hell is going on mum?”
Tony’s Mum: “Hello dear is your dad out of the spa yet”
Tony’s Mum: “Calm down dear I’m just going to check on your father [walks off to climb down ladder]”
Tony: “What is going on? [lowers head into hands covering eyes]”
Liam: “[raises megaphone to mouth and points in point blank at Tony’s head] Your mothers very nice”
Tony: “[slips from shock falls and rolls of roof]”
Crowd: “[collective groan]” got a megaphone from your Mama!

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Saturday, September 27, 2008

Saturday Serial

Part 01 is here Part 06 is here Part 11 is here
Part 02 is here Part 07 is here Part 12 is here
Part 03 is here Part 08 is here Part 13 is here
Part 04 is here Part 09 is here Part 14 is here
Part 05 is here Part 10 is here Part 15 is here

Part 16
We get back to our story deep in the sewer system of our happy little suburban town, Billy and Scruffs plough through muck and grime in the hopes of finding a way out of this stinky maze. Somewhere up ahead the see shafts of light streaming down upon the floor from up above. Excitedly Billy starts to move forward towards it, could it be finally a way out.

“Come on Scruffs we have to check that out, if there is light it means there is… uhhh, if there is light it means” He said before stopping and wondering what the light might mean, Scruffs charged on barking as he went. Billy not wanting to be left behind ran after his dog bounding through the contents of the sewer with wilful abandon. Meanwhile above ground somewhere in the National Guard base, Archie leans out the car window examining the signs for some clue as to where the officer in charge might be.

“Come on, where is it?” Dad says impatiently not happy with the fact that there is a mans posterior pointing at him for extended periods of time. Archie being full of the arrogance of youth rolls his eyes and then goes back to reading the signs. In the distance they see a soldier approaching them, Archie ducks his head back in the car and Dad drives over to him.

“We have to talk to the officer in charge” Archie says as he pokes his head out again.

“Yeah he’s over ther…. Wait, how did you get in here, are you friend or foe?” The soldier says back. Dad getting consistently angrier gets out of the car and addresses the soldier.

“Look young man we need to talk to some one in charge so take us to your leader!”

“Can't do it” The soldier says back blankly.

“My taxes pay your salary so take us to see someone in charge” Dad says angrily while pointing his finger rather viciously. The soldier takes a step back he’s about to direct them to the general when he catches from the corner of his eye the soldier from the gate firing his gun wildly and laughing like a mad man.

“What’s Smith doing?” He questions. Archie gets out and walks up to the soldier.

“80, foot, communists” Archie says to the soldier quietly. The soldiers face loses all colour and he almost drops his gun.

“The… generals, over… there” the soldier mumbles point behind him, he then hoists his gun to his waist and starts walking letting off shots as he goes. Archie and Dad get back in the car and drive where the soldier pointed. Dad talks about the soldiers lack of respect for him and that he should probably be fired or sent to Alaska to live with the wolves and Eskimos. Archie looks straight ahead from the dark he sees some movement, from out of a manhole pops a head, it looks in the opposite direction then turns towards the car, from the back seat mom screams


Dad looks back towards the road to see that they are almost upon the small boy climbing out of the sewer, he slams on the brakes and the car begins to slide and squeal. Will the car stop in time, will Billy get out of the way, will Archie ever get to enjoy another smooth Langmoore cigarette… tune in next week.

Ever wanted to pretend to be a giant communist invader, fancy a brand new hat, got some disposable income then check this out! Brand new to The Discreet Store is the BRAND NEW, ‘Attack of the 80 foot Communist military cap’, impress your friends, suppress Democracy, look fashionable, it’s all possible with this brand new item. But while your there make sure you check out the rest of the ultra fashionable items, such as shirts, aprons, clocks and assorted other crap. isn't sure if the General really wants to see you

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Thursday, September 25, 2008

Sphinctorial Response: A Weighty Conundrum

I’m confused kids, no not that way. And if anyone tells you other wise about a drunken weekend in Sydney then they are lying, plus it’s not gay if you don’t remember it. I’m confused about the media, really nothing different then is it, its one aspect of the media that has me this time. Well aspect, I really mean attitude. Who here would like to weigh a little less, be honest put your hand up, if your at work feel free to yell out, ‘yes I’m a giant fatty’. You don’t have to be a giant fatty, but do it anyway if you like. I know I’d like to be thinner.

The media’s attitude towards weight is a really puzzling one to me, especially when it comes to ladies. Now on one hand we have that whole obesity epidemic, don’t we. I’m guessing you have heard of it, big problem in most westernised countries. And let’s face it if your sitting down blogging wondering why you’re sweating from typing… that problem may be yours. There are government programs and adverts (at least in Australia there are) to encourage people to be active everyday and eat right.

And even Oprah is getting in on it with that Dr Oz bloke that comes on and tells people how to poop straight, it’s all very fascinating, helpful to hopefully. Actually everyone get up and give me twenty push ups, I’ll wait…

One of the Dove 'Real Women*'

Done, good now lets continue. So all that’s well and good people tell you to exercise, but here is where it gets confusing. They are also telling you to be happy with your body image, to embrace your curves and lumps and get on with being emotionally happy. I’m guessing most of you have heard about the socially minded people at Dove who are doing that whole real women advertising campaign. Aren’t they nice showing women that they shouldn’t be ashamed of their bodies. And they shouldn’t, but here is the kicker, I’m willing to bet there isn’t a doctor or nutritionist in the world that’s not going to say a few of those girls should trim down a little.

Oh yes its great it’s getting women to be more at ease with their appearance, but then we get back to the other hand where the media is screaming about everyone being to fat again. So what are we meant to be doing, being comfortable with who we are, or hitting the track for some sweat time.

Ah Trinny and Susannah, those two British slags that have made a living informing people they suck because they can’t match their pants with their shirt. Much like ‘Queer Eye’ used to but without the overpowering sexism of straight men being shit dressers because they didn’t have a penchant for brown love. What, that wasn’t the message of that show? Five gay blokes show one straight man how to get laid by dressing like them, so women want to sleep with gay men… see this is why men have sex with park benches, its far less confusing.

Showing straight men that women hate them since 2003

And then Carson Kresslys new show, which is the worst of the lot. Yes its all very emotionally uplifting, be happy with your curves and all that crap. What isn’t uplifting though is dying 30 years to young from heart diseases clutching a half eaten sponge cake to your bosom. It’s like some one having a show telling people they should smoke because it keeps them thin and makes them look cool.

And Oprah does it to, Ms Yoyo diet herself. Whenever she’s fat it’s embrace the curves and whenever she sheds some extra tonnage its whoop, whoop for dieting and proper exercise. What the fuck are we meant to be aiming for, is it any wonder young girls are confused about how they should look. Are they meant to be keeping slim or letting it all go whilst being ‘real’ women?

Who do you think is healthier, your average supermodel sans possible coke habit. Or chubby ‘real’ girl from the Dove adverts. I’ll wait, use your calculators if you have to, exactly! Who do you think? There’s so much in the media about models being to skinny, and then people keep pulling this shit about being comfortable with who you are. Being comfortable with who you are gets you diabetes apparently.

Witty caption needed... I think not!

Can we just have some middle ground, there seems to be just one extreme and then the other. It’s incredibly simplistic and stupid, to just say go and lose some weight, it’s a hard thing to do. But this whole being who you are crap is how we got here, here being a giant fat sweaty mongoloid, huffing Twinkies and drinking coke zero ‘cause its got no sugar’. Sure be happy with who you are, but at least make sure who you are, isn’t ‘Island Of Dr Moreau’ era Marlon Brando. You don’t have to be wafer thin to be fit, just make sure you are fit is my point.

The media needs to lift its game and get some sort of consensus. Fashion isn’t the problem, models aren’t the problem, actresses being tiny little stick freaks, isn’t the problem. The media not having a clue what’s talking about is the problem, and maybe I’m the same, but they can’t keep saying two opposing things and expect people not to get the wrong message.

*What else is worrying is that Dove just assumes there arent any 'real' skinny women out there. I know its more about skin care and age, but the applied assumption that if your not a rowdy chubby chick your not 'real' has to be insulting doesn't it! is an emotional eater...

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Monday, September 22, 2008

A special entry: Help my Moustache?!

How the hell do you work a moustache? I’m mean what the hell, yes you look really cool in a Magnum PI slash serial sex offender kind of way. But is it possible to function properly through day to day things with one of these things. I can’t drink properly, keeping proper dental hygiene is just 6 times harder than it should be, and god dammit if I find one more bug exploring the deep hairy cavities of my facial hair I’m going to stab someone.

I’ve had facial hair for about five years now, until this year it was no more than a goatee, and maybe some side burns. Now this is mainly because shaving is just way to much effort, I am completely lacking in a chin, well not completely but the beard adds a bit of length, so I don’t resemble a bad guy from Gumby. And also it makes me a big man, no ones going to question your raging sexuality when you have a fantastical viking-ish beard.

Me without the goatee

But it was only this year I tried my luck with the ‘mo’. And it’s all just seemed to go down hill. I don’t know if I’m just getting old or slightly handicapped, because I can’t seem to drink anything without having half of it trail out my mouth. And I blame the moustache. It’s like I’m having a stroke every time I’m thirsty, now I mostly drink water, so it’s not much of a problem, but half an hour after you’ve had a drink and you playfully stroke your goatee to find it full of fluid it’s a little disconcerting.

I’m an Aussie and I eat vegemite, it’s just what you do. Eat prawns, watch cricket, heroically storm Turkish beaches under the stupid orders of the British, and eat vegemite, copious amounts of the turgid black swill. I like it. I don’t like however 6 hours later being reminded what I had for breakfast, when I lick my lips and find a big natty vegemite moustache dread lock.

Now it’s not the best moustache in the world, it’s still developing and growing. But I can tell already that it hates me… with a deep and fiery moustachy passion. It’s taken to curling into my mouth at the edges and when it gets to a certain length it makes flossing a real chore. If I get one hair stuck between my teeth again I swear I’m shaving you off straight away. It’s a horrid experience people, mindlessly flossing away all of a sudden to find either someone is trying to jam a flathead screw driver between you incisors, or your moustache has decide to try its luck at exploratory dentistry.

How he makes a living I'll never know

Please can someone tell me how the fuck you work one of these things it's doing my head in. Man, woman, child, Mario even, please just tell me. Hell I’ll settle for Luigi, he can’t be busy. Lets face it he doesn’t have a girlfriend, and the only other thing he’s got going on is he can drive a go kart. Please how do you work a moustache? Is it either, go through life being half a man with a hairless top lip, or enjoy the full powerful force of masculinity throbbing through my face.

I rest my case

I think the answer is quite obvious don’t you. Let’s look at the greatest examples of man out there, Jesus, Lemmy, Richard Dreyfuss… Rosie O’Donnell, all have the moustaches, all incredibly manly. Let’s look at the greatest there, his accomplishments shall live through history for ever, books have been written in his honour, Lemmy got a blowjob on stage… on stage people! Any way obvious jokes aside seriously help me out kids, help me unlock the mysteries of the moustache! has a powerful moustache

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Saturday, September 20, 2008

Saturday Serial

Part 01 is here Part 06 is here Part 11 is here
Part 02 is here Part 07 is here Part 12 is here
Part 03 is here Part 08 is here Part 13 is here
Part 04 is here Part 09 is here Part 14 is here
Part 05 is here Part 10 is here

Part 15
We rejoin our epic story of mayhem chaos and freedom, as a car speeds through the streets of suburbia heading for the powerful safety of the National Guard base. Dad in the front wears his high grade synthetic high speed driving gloves, Archie sits next to him in the front while mom sits in the back in her best dress looking longingly out the window.

“I do hope Billy’s alright, dear do you think he’s alright” she asks her husband.

“I’m sure he’s fine he’s my son after all!” Dad says back happily. Dad like all good fathers has shown Billy all the ways to kill foreigners. The Swedish blood hole, the Mexican pancreas jab, the Australian neck grab, all areas on the bodies of foreigners weak to attack because of their inferior breeding. Dad knows that with this special training Billy would be able to overcome anything he could come across, maybe even a deadly Caracas demon. But the chances of that were small.

“Are you sure he’ll be alright” Archie asks Dad in a whisper, not wanting to give mom another scare.

“Yes, most definitely” He says back loudly and confidently. He smiles to him self and plants his foot on the accelerator. Up ahead of them they can see the National Guard base, gleaming with hope on the horizon. These weekend soldiers who are trained to deal with fallen trees and bad weather will be able to save the day. Archie starts to smile, finally things are starting to look up. The car pulls up to the entry gate and the soldier on guard stops them.

“HALT, who goes there friend or foe” He says

“We have to speak to the man in charge” Dad says through the window.

“Friend or foe?” The guard questions again leaning down and putting his head in the window of the car.

“It’s a matter of national security” Archie yells from the passenger seat gesturing manically with his hands.

“If I let everyone through that sad that, there would be no point even having this boom gate, come on folks move along” The guard says whilst waving his hands gently in front of him. From out of nowhere comes the sound of a man screaming, the guard looks around but nothing, until suddenly from the sky

“24.38400 metres tall” Screams the man flying through the air before he impacts on the guard’s gate house crushing it with the force of a falling tree limb. The guard looks both shocked and saddened before screaming at the top of his lungs

“Were under attack! It’s the metric system!” and then madly firing his machine gun in the general direction the man came from. Dad Archie and mom duck down in the car, whilst the guard continues to scream, laugh and shoot his way up the road only pausing to reload be silent and then start the whole ordeal again.

“Let’s just go through” Archie says quietly under the noise of the firing machine gun, and Dad weaves the car around the broken boom gate. Waits in store next for America, what awaits Dad Archie and mom, where is Billy and Scruffs? Tune in next week…

Ever wanted to pretend to be a giant communist invader, fancy a brand new hat, got some disposable income then check this out! Brand new to The Discreet Store is the BRAND NEW, ‘Attack of the 80 foot Communist military cap’, impress your friends, suppress Democracy, look fashionable, it’s all possible with this brand new item. But while your there make sure you check out the rest of the ultra fashionable items, such as shirts, aprons, clocks and assorted other crap. is preparing for attack from the metric system!

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Thursday, September 18, 2008

Sphinctorial Response: Modern Cinema Pt 4

I have friends, honest I do… what you don’t believe me, well then here is a picture!

Of course thats me with the muscles riding the Dugong

There you happy, that’s me and my friends, and what appears to be a unicorn Dugong thingy. Any way this post isn’t about me proving I’m not a complete shut in hermit loser. As I said I have friends, as illustrated in the picture, and we hang out. We do fun stuff, like chase skirt go to the malt shoppe and try and sneak into a strip club houseboat a few miles across the state line.

Wait that’s Porky’s… ok so we don’t do that stuff, but we do sometimes watch movies. Most of the time that’s at one particular friend’s house, mostly because he lives by himself and he has a big TV and a nice stereo. Currently we watch DVD’s, though the friend is a bit of a tech whore and wants a blu-ray player. In case you don’t know what blu-ray is then here is a brief description. It’s a blue DVD.

That’s it, some people will tell you its better quality, but they are lying. Well they aren’t lying, blu-ray is better quality than DVD. Apparently, I have never watched one and frankly I don’t really care if I do. If you haven’t guessed by now I consider myself many things, a genius, a god amongst men, a gun ace piloting a flying Dugong, and a movie buff, just to name a few. I love watching movies. What I don’t love, is the fact that DVD lasted half the time of VHS.

Videos, good old VHS, a far worse product than Beta Max, but it still became the favoured format for home video (because of Sony’s whorebaggery). Then DVD came along, clever shiny discs great. Then ten years down the line, they are on the out already. And for what, a few 100 extra pixels? There was a need to replace video, your standard VHS wouldn’t last very long. So DVD was great because it lasted longer and was better quality, but is it really already so substandard that it needs to be replaced. Can’t we just put this one piece of technology into stasis?

Please people a minutes silence for all the testicles that just exploded

I can remember arguing about the difference between flat screen and the old style curved screen TV’s, I couldn’t tell the difference and still cant. Where most of my friends reckoned flat screens were equivalent to a night alone with Kate Beckinsale. It’s like so many things now days, the company tells you its better so it must be better. You’ll feel like a tool if you’re left out and can’t tell the difference. Well I’m putting my hand up, I couldn’t tell the difference.

This was before everyone had a plasma or a LCD TV, now most of my friends have one or the other, some even have both. And there is this constant sort of competition as to whose picture is better. I have a regular flat screen weighs a good 30 kilos and buzzes like its trying to kill insects. But do you know what, I don’t care. Picture quality and high def surround sound and all that clobber isn’t something I really care about.

I love action movies, I do, but honestly if you’re still noticing how clear the picture is ten minutes into the movie, then you’re watching the wrong movies. And if it’s not an action movie why the hell do you need surround sound and a picture that would have George Lucas and James Cameron going the grope on each other. I’m sure ‘The Bridges of Madison County’ Looks great in high def but what’s the point, at which point in that movie does Clint Eastwood fight a horde of Orcs? You just bought a four grand TV and a two thousand dollar stereo to watch ‘Bad Boys 2: The Product Placement’. Congratulations, that’s a really clear picture, now you just have to find a movie worth watching on it.

Blu-ray?... yeah I know its lame, I probably could have come up with a Willy Wonka gag, but after the Dugong everything else seems pointless

It’s why I love ‘Hoodwinked’. It’s without a doubt the best of all the CGI animated features. Not because it’s really pretty, in fact at points it’s the opposite, the main character ‘Red Riding Hood’ looks like slightly animated sex doll. And some of the supplementary characters are even worse. But it’s the story that carries it through, it’s amazingly witty, charming and funny. Even though it has a few musical numbers which I hate, its one of the funniest movies I have ever seen hands down, and the pick of the bunch of the CGI’s.

When you compare it to ‘Over the Hedge’ yeah it’s not as pretty, but it leaves it for dead because it’s funny. ‘Over the Hedge’ had some moments, but if they spent half the time on writing good dialogue, that they did endlessly tinkering with how it looked, it would have been the film it should have. It illustrates my whole point, no matter how pretty something is, if there is no substance it doesn’t matter how good your TV is. I’m pretty sure in the future there will be two types of movies, one will just a blu-ray disc be four hours of explosions followed by some tits. And the other type will be done on a Beta Max tape and will actually have a decent story.

I have no doubt that in a few years there will be something new, some better format out that will display better than the human eye can perceive. And people will still buy it and rave about the picture quality. And then that will be replaced and people will rush out and get that as well. That’s the problem if people just care about bigger screens and better pictures. Then tools like Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer are going to keep thinking the only thing people want from movies is big fuck off explosions and tits, things that look spectacular on big screens. Me... shit hand me that video tape of ‘The Thing’ and let me get back to watching good movies. quite enjoyed 'Bad Boys 2' to be honest

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Monday, September 15, 2008

Talk to Liam: Greg goes to the toilet

Liam: “[whistles indiscriminate tune] How you been”
Man in next urinal: “…What, me, I’ve been good”
Liam: “[pulls pants down around ankles and then underpants as well] Yeah me to… apart from this spot here, it’s definitely getting bigger [gestures towards crotch]”
Man in next urinal: “Ah, ohhh, I didn’t want to see that buddy”
Liam: “Well then why did you look?”
Man in next urinal: “Uh…”
Liam: “Yeah its always like that, oh man I didn’t want to see your penis, I didn’t want to grab you on the ass… please close your jacket… people love nudity its just natural, I’m Liam by the way”
Man in next urinal: “Greg”
Liam: “No Liam… L-I-A-M”
Greg: “I’m Greg, not you”
Liam: “Ah, right that makes more sense now”
Greg: “What does?”
Liam: “The spelling, I didn’t think Liam had a ‘G’ in it”

Greg: “Yeah…[moves as far away as urinal will allow]”
Liam: “What are you doing here?”
Greg: “I’m out with the wife”
Liam: “There’s a girl in here [covers crotch]?”
Greg: “No I’m here shopping with my wife”
Liam: “You’re buying things in the toilet”
Greg: “No, my wife is in the shop shopping, and I’m in here going to the toilet”
Liam: “Oh right, yeah me to, I came with my wife, I’m here going to the toilet and she’s in the shops”
Greg: “Yeah women love shopping”
Liam: “Shopping, yeah I suppose she’ll do that to.”
Greg: “Sorry what?”
Liam: “Yeah… haha, crazy girls.”
Greg: “[zips up and walks to basin] Well I gotta go, you have a good one buddy”
Liam: “Oh I will, these shopping centres are always fun, it can’t be worse than when I walked in here”

Greg: “[sighs to self] Why is that?”
Liam: “Oh the smell, it was terrible”
Greg: “[longingly looks at exit] Yeah well sometimes these bathrooms can get pretty bad”
Liam: “This was rank, something special, I don’t know how people do it”
Greg: “Well some people are just unhealthy, I guess that’s it”
Liam: “Its diet to, some people have appalling diets, and it all adds up down there [waggles bare arse]”
Greg: “[covers eyes and groans quietly] Yeah I know what you mean”
Liam: “[finishes off peeing and turns around, then pulls up underwear and pants one at a time] That’s better”
Greg: “[tires to look away discreetly] Well that’s what they say isn’t it, you are what you eat”
Liam: “I guess that’s why I’m a human being”
Greg: “Wha…?”
Liam: “[walks to basin to wash hands] Huh, you say something?”
Greg: “I… erh, I don’t know”
Liam: “Ah, I see! [dips hands deep into basin washes up to elbows]”
Greg: “Uh, my wife will be waiting I should be going, it was nice talking to you”
Liam: “It was wasn’t it, we should do it again sometime”
Greg: “Uh [looks scared]”
Liam: “I’ll be here next week, same time”
Greg: “I’ll write that down [backs out door slowly then runs]”
Liam: “[starts whistling, then goes back to urinal and pulls down pants again]” always drops its dacks to pee...

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Saturday, September 13, 2008

Saturday Serial

Part 01 is here Part 06 is here Part 11 is here
Part 02 is here Part 07 is here Part 12 is here
Part 03 is here Part 08 is here Part 13 is here
Part 04 is here Part 09 is here
Part 05 is here Part 10 is here

Part 14
We gently slide back to this week’s instalment as somewhere near the outskirts of town in a drive in movie theatre. Some youths get into some serious necking! Daisy Mayflower sits in the front seat along side her steady partner of three months Beau Manly. Beau being a full red blooded man gropes hopelessly at the back of Daisy bra strap while munching romantically on the girls neck. Daisy being the slut she is, just lets him, what will become of this promiscuous young lady you ask, well stay tuned because it’s about to happen.

“Oh Daisy come on, how long have we known each other, come on baby give it up” Beau says romantically as he rhythmically grinds on Daisy’s leg. Daisy… the whore sits there and tries to watch the movie, but with no luck the romantic advancements of Beau are too much to ignore.

“I told you I can’t but, I guess you can go to second base if you want, but you better not tell anyone” Daisy mumbles as she embraces Satan’s randy ways.

“No son, go in from the bottom of the shirt” Says Beaus Dad from the back seat. Beau stops and then re enters the shirt from the other direction.

“I can’t believe our boy is going out with such a whore” Beaus mom says from the back seat, shaking her head in Daisy’s direction. Daisy looks back in disbelief and goes on being a filthy young lady. Beaus Dad is just about to show his son how to sneak around to third when all of a sudden the movie stops. The giant screen flickers white for a second then goes dark. A few cars around them start to honk and people start to yell at the projectionist.

Then on the screen a giant silhouette appears, it glows red lighting up the white paint with a giant ferocity. The people clap for a few seconds before without waring the projection booth flies over their heads and crashes into the screen with tremendous force. Slowly the entire drive in turns, only to be greeted by the most horrific sight ever seen be American eyes, there before them stands a squadron of giant Communist soldiers. The one in front takes a step forward and then thunders

“BY STALINS GHOST DESTROY” and with that the gigantic troops behind him leap into action kicking screaming and bringing communist destruction upon everything. From inside Beau’s car his Dad is screaming, Beaus on the other hand concentrates on slipping his hand between the devilish thighs of Daisy. Then suddenly, CRUNCH. The car and all the occupants crushed, that’s what you get for being a slut Daisy.

In the middle of the drive through a man stands shaking in fear, pointing at the giant soldiers wreaking their havoc

“Dear god they must be 24.38400 metres tall…” He screams.

The whole crowd stops and look at him

“Huh… I… mean… 80 feet… tall” He mumbles before being kicked a good 300 yards from the running kick of one of the giant soldiers. In no time at all the Drive in is completely destroyed, in the distance lay the lights of suburbia, the soldiers look upon it… and smile…

What awaits next week… episode fifteen probably!

Ever wanted to pretend to be a giant communist invader, fancy a brand new hat, got some disposable income then check this out! Brand new to The Discreet Store is the BRAND NEW, ‘Attack of the 80 foot Communist military cap’, impress your friends, suppress Democracy, look fashionable, it’s all possible with this brand new item. But while your there make sure you check out the rest of the ultra fashionable items, such as shirts, aprons, clocks and assorted other crap. wouldnt say no to a date with Daisy Mayflower... we hear she puts out!

Member of, like what you just read. Trying to impress women but failing miserably, yeah me to. If it makes you feel any better you can impress me by going here and vote for some of my other posts.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Sphinctorial Response: Modern Cinema Pt 3

So there is this saying that there are only seven stories, and that it’s how you tell that particular story that makes it different from all the others. What are the stories you ask, I don’t know I guess they could be something like this.

Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy has to find girl again
Boy is wronged, boy gets revenge
Giant (insert creature here) destroys (insert city here)
Boy searches for treasure
Boy finds monkey, monkey escapes, boy chases monkey around bush, bush eats monkey, boy cries over lost monkey, boy takes revenge on bush, bushes family cries over lost son, bushes family vow revenge… sequel.

Artists depiction of the bushes revenge... I like the way he gave the bush a rocking set of boobs, but thats just me.

There seven. Any way, so there are seven stories and I think you’ll find most films could be slotted into one of the categories. Let’s look at the Rambo films. Now while the first one is the story of a drifter being wronged by a figure of authority, then going bat shit crazy and killing people. The last three movies are a different story, well apart from each other, so there are really only two Rambo movies. Rambo unwillingly goes into a foreign country and searches for prisoners, before killing people… a whole lot of people.

But it’s the way he killed them that made each movie different; this is an important point to remember its not just story that makes a movie different. I have a lot of respect for ‘Rambo 4’, why you ask, I know some of you would have seen it by now, and would fully know its one of the most violent films ever. I talked about ‘Saw’ and ‘Hostel’ being drivel because they were really just gore porn, so what’s different about ‘Rambo 4’. Well it’s the indiscriminate killing of women and children, it’s shocking to watch as the bad guys bayonet kiddies in the gut then turf others into burning houses, and then there are the women.

In the interests of equality you understand!

I haven’t seen that before, and being the feminist and equal opportunity sadist I am, I don’t want my onscreen murdering to stop at men. Its just plain fair. You know that bit in ‘Hot Shots Part Deux’, the body count bit at the end. You can’t help but feel the ‘Rambo 4’ film makers, were referencing a film that was referencing them in the first place when you finally get to that truck mounted machine gun bit ant the end of ‘Rambo 4’. Its bloody, it’s violent and it has about as much of a story as a slap on the arse, but it’s unashamedly what it is and it does things I haven’t seen before.

‘Alien vs. Predator 2’, another film that does this, sure it’s not brilliant but it never pretends it was trying to win an Oscar. But it does things differently, firstly if you thought ‘Rambo 4’ was going all equal opportunity on us, ‘AVP2’ is not to be outdone. The way I described it to my friend was, ‘wasn’t that sweet when that pred-alien throat-fucked that pregnant lady’. Distasteful I know but watch it and you’ll be lost for a better description. A pregnant lady! I’ve never seen that before, Hollywood is usually scared to even lay a finger on women and children. Then there is old dangly alien boy sticking his pokey bits down a two in one combo.

I'm sure she was a stunt pregnant lady

It’s those things that separate a good action movie from a bad, let’s face it all action movies have the same stories, so it’s what happens on the screen and who survives that differentiates them from each other. ‘AVP2’ the hot blonde chick... all I’m saying is don’t expect little brother to get a piece of that at the end. If you can’t make a story different narrative wise, try something else that’s what I say. You remember that Star Trek movie where all the characters were done with puppets made entirely of meat…

Hmmm maybe that was a dream, guess that’s another onto the list of movies I’ll have to make myself. But you can’t tell me you wouldn’t have watched that. Star Trek Ten: The Meat Puppets… Now I realise the next post in this series is probably going to contradict almost everything I just said in this one. But let me just say this, I don’t care, so don’t tell anyone and we can all just continue being happy little fishies. says just keep swimming... but not in that annoying Albert Brooks salivary mumble in 'Finding Nemo'

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Monday, September 08, 2008

As Seen on TV: Get your hands off me you damn dirty ape... child thingy

Tick tick tick tick tick, apparently thats the sound of crap journalism

For a start, let me say this before I go anywhere near this story. I can’t believe there aren’t 100 more important things going on in America that ‘Sixty Minutes’ could do a story on. Secondly I can’t believe this is actually that common an occurrence in America to make it an important enough event for ‘Sixty Minutes’ to do a story on it. And thirdly I can’t believe the producers of Australian ‘Sixty Minutes’ thought it important enough to inform the viewers of Australia about. Surely there are better things to be covered than this.

Monkey Children…

Monkey Children… anything that starts with that should immediately be taken with an entire silo of salt, then stuffed into a vault of some sort with the rest of the pap stories that make up current affairs shows now days. I’m not sure how long ago this story went to air in America but it only just recently went to air here. Now I didn’t catch all of it, in fact I probably only saw about three minutes of it. But from those three minutes I managed to both laugh more than I have for a long time, and scream with anger at the just plain straight forward ‘idiosity’ of these people.

In case the phrase ‘Monkey Children’ needs more explaining, let me fill you in. Apparently some people have thought it a good idea to buy monkeys and raise them as children. Not just pets, which means dressing them in people clothes and taking them around in strollers like babies, tiny furry tick ridden babies. And apparently this is all 100% legal and above board. Providing you have all the permits I assume. Funny though that you need a permit for a monkey but all the stuff you need for an actual baby is in your pants, maybe someone should look into that.

Sometimes they just go bad

Now the reason ‘Sixty Minutes’ was bothering to cover this simply beyond ludicrous situation, was that some of these Monkey Children are going, well excuse the pun, ape shit and attacking their owners/parents. Horrible I know. But gosh darn it just ball tearingly funny at the same time. Now some poor guy with a degree in journalism is talking to this ‘parent’. Whilst I would hope wondering why his career has got to the point where he is talking to ‘Monkey Child’ attack victims. And she brings out this gem

“And then my ‘Monkey Daughter’ attacked me”

At which point I broke down and cried with sadistic laughter. Sadistic furry Ebola tick infested tiny monkey laughter… what? Now she had been attacked by something she loved, over peanuts… not metaphorical either, actual peanuts. So that has to be hard, but honestly as soon as you put the word monkey in a sentence, it’s never going to be serious ever again. You can say whatever you want, but as soon as Monkey comes into it, that is it, any resemblance to anything serious has disappeared.

Let me demonstrate
‘We believe that the people of Germany and Berlin must be free to reunite their capital and their country.’
A normal exert from a JFK speech, and now the monkey version
‘We believe that the people of Germany and Berlin must be free to reunite their monkey capital and their country.’
I rest my case…

These people obviously have love to give and for whatever reason may not be able to have children, so a pet they can love may be the best substitute they can get. But if your only option to avoiding being maliciously attacked by your ‘child’ is to remove their teeth… then you need to think about investing in a kitty.

Plus now I may not be fully aware of the facts here, but I’m pretty sure children grow up… into adults. Your monkey however is always going to be the baby-ish substitute you bought 10 years ago. Your monkey is still going to be throwing its poo in your direction, long after the equivalent age teenager is going to be silently sitting in its lair listening to ‘The Cure’, not throwing its excrement around your lovely house. Well a properly trained equivalent age teenager.

Ok I got two Chimps a Reesus and a Spider monkey... who wants monkey get your monkey children right here!

Have you ever wondered why monkeys aren’t widely domesticated pets. Have you ever wondered why the only way to get one, is from some dude that smuggles them out of South America three inches from his penis. It’s because they are not good pets, and they are even worse children. Get a rabbit, or a starving Chinese orphan, they are far better behaved and wont leave your life looking something like ‘Outbreak’.

Because god knows once your life starts resembling a Dustin Hoffman movie, you’re up shit creek without a paddle. Even getting out, swimming to shore and trying to run back isn’t going to help you. Because now you’re just covered in shit running full tilt at an angry, angry monkey. I’ve seen that movie… it doesn’t end well. has real children... live monkey children, great second hand prices to!

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Saturday, September 06, 2008

Saturday Serial

Part 01 is here Part 06 is here Part 11 is here
Part 02 is here Part 07 is here Part 12 is here
Part 03 is here Part 08 is here
Part 04 is here Part 09 is here
Part 05 is here Part 10 is here

Part 13
We rejoin our tale of grotesque amounts of excitement somewhere below the surface of the earth, Billy and his brave dog Scruffs explore the darkened caverns of the sewer in the hopes of finding a way out. As nice as these clean American sewers are, Billy still wants out.

“I want out Scruffs” See I told you he just said it himself. He holds his noise and waves his hand around trying to escape the smell of good old fashioned sewerage, Scruffs bounds playfully through the muck enjoying himself, the last time Scruffs had this much fun four people got arrested.

“We should keep going Scruffs, I reckon this way will lead us out of the sewer and back home… then we can have something to eat.” Billy says as he starts walking on, Scruffs looks back and barks a few times.

“Yeah, Scruffs I don’t know… I think it’s gonna be quite some time before we have to decide who's eating who. Besides Dad always says only nancy boys and commies eat human flesh” Billy says looking back at his dog, Scruffs pauses for a second before barking in agreement. The two face forwards and march on proudly down the dark sewer tunnel.

Meanwhile in the semi safety of suburbia, Dad stands in the kitchen shaking his head furiously at what is going on in front of him. Archie is making his own coffee, a man making his own meal, Dad continues to shake his head and begins to talk.

“I can’t believe what I’m seeing, a man making food for his own consumption, while some lazy lay about broad is in the lounge sleeping” He says.

“She’s unconscious” Archie says back.

“She wouldn’t be if you let me wake her up” Dad yells.

“You were just slapping her… that was never going to work. Why are we still here we have to go and get the National Guard” Archie answers back quite disrespectfully.

“I still had some slaps left, she would have woken up” Dad says turning his head away in disgust. From the lounge the two hear some stirring, they peer around the corner to see mom slowly getting out of the wheelbarrow. The left side of her face a little red from Dad trying to wake her up. She wanders into the kitchen to see Dad and Archie standing there, Dad looks angry while Archie just looks shocked and nervous.

“It’s about time woman, when this ordeal is over we're going to have to have a chat about how fainting with shock is no excuse for missing your wifely duties” Dad says in a stern but fair voice.

“Yes dear” mom says, bowing her head as well as she talked. “How long was I out for?”

“Too long” Dad says impatiently, still waiting for his good suit to be ironed. Archie dances on the spot trying not to yell as loud as he can.

“Can we please go and tell someone about the giant communist invasion” He says while still hopping from foot to foot like he needs the bathroom. Will Dad get his good suit in time, will Archie get to tell the National Guard. Will mom ever recover from the shame of a man having to serve himself in her home, this and more will be discovered next week!

Ever wanted to pretend to be a giant communist invader, fancy a brand new hat, got some disposable income then check this out! Brand new to The Discreet Store is the BRAND NEW, ‘Attack of the 80 foot Communist military cap’, impress your friends, suppress Democracy, look fashionable, it’s all possible with this brand new item. But while your there make sure you check out the rest of the ultra fashionable items, such as shirts, aprons, clocks and assorted other crap. likes you in what your wearing, but would thinks you'd look better in new shirt.

Member of, like what you just read. Then I challenge you to a duel... no I'm kidding as if you'd be a challenge for my pistol hand 'hahahahahaha' I say. Since technically you just lost, you now must go here and vote for some of my other posts.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Sphinctorial Response: Modern Cinema Pt 2

So recently I had the displeasure of watching Super Mario Brothers again. The feature film about a Japanese created Italian plumber played by an English man. I’m pretty sure if you add a priest and a lesbian there is a good joke in there somewhere. But instead you just get a fairly mundane film about nothing really. Before watching it I read the back cover, the blurb. You know the piece of writing on the back of the cover where it gives a short wrap up of the movie and tries to convince you its worth watching.

Look at him go!

Upon reading the Blurb on the back of the Super Mario Brothers DVD case I realised something that’s pretty fascinating. There are no bad movies. Not one ever, any where. Right now Uwe Bol is dancing like a crazed starving Czech orphan with a bucket of chicken. And right now your all questioning this statement, there are no bad films. What about 'Silent Predator', 'Zoltan Hound of Dracula', 'Super Mario Brothers'? What about those films, and others, I’m sure you’ve seen films that you thought were bad.

But they weren’t, no point arguing, those movies you hated and panned because they had no character, drama, romance, sex, dismemberment of dwarves. Or anything else you like to see. If you thought that movie was just plain bad, you were wrong. You were wrong because of two words… ‘Cult Classic’. Yes that’s right kids upon flipping over the cover of Super Mario Brothers, a movie were the two main characters are called Luigi Mario, and Mario Mario, I was greeted by those two little words.

Which 'Cult' actually watches this?

‘Cult Classic’. Kids, if this movie is a cult classic, then I’m a girl and you can all spend the next three days staring at my vagina. No strings attached, I will show you my love den and we will all have a great time. But unfortunately for all you out there, I’m a man, a big strong man at that, and Super Mario Brothers is not a cult classic. It’s a steaming pile of Koopa Troopa shit, with a tiny cherry on top of it, in the form of Mario’s girlfriend Daniella’s tits. A very nice cherry, but still its not enough to lift this film from the depths of the bottom shelf crud in which it dwells.

But its not just Super Mario Brothers is it kids. There was once a time when cult classic meant the likes of John Waters or Russ Meyers films. Peter Jackson’s early films like 'Braindead' and 'Bad Taste'. Australian movies like The Howling, Mad Max and The Road Warrior. The films of Mario Bava and just about every single Italian Sexploitation film, and the Blacksploitation films of the 70’s. They were cult classics. Why because they were brilliant but people had just not seen them.

But what’s the idea of a cult classic today, Saw or Hostel, which is nothing more than gore porn. Movies seen by a large group of people and panned for being derivative shit, but evidently have some fans out there. Cult Classics used to be movies made on a tiny budget, but got away with it for their charm, today they just seem to be the movies that flop at the box office. Fight Club was a flop completely tanked at the box office, one of the most famous examples of tanks. But it’s the exception, that movie is genuinely good.

Look what I got guys... who wants to play?

Putting cult classic on a DVD doesn’t make it one. There is a difference between a good movie only a few people have seen, because the lack of the Hollywood marketing machine behind it. And a movie everyone has seen but only a few people liked, it’s like sadomasochism sure its fun for the few people that enjoy it. But it doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to take it around to your friends house and say ‘aye oh lets have a crack at this’.

I’m sure there are a bunch of angry Super Mario Brothers fans out there now gunning for revenge because I have angered their strange cult. Strange and shadowy actions are now being planned against me, so if I find the bloody decapitated head of John Leguizamo in my bed I’ll know who to blame. Let me finish with this, a simple rule for judging a cult classic.

Seen by many liked by few = Not a cult classic.
Seen by few liked by many = Is a cult classic. last name is Mario

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Monday, September 01, 2008

Talk to Liam: The Operator

Liam: “Hello Liam speaking”
Operator: “Please hold while a operator takes your call [click]”
Liam: “What, no I… oh Michael Buble… [a few short minutes pass]… ‘Fly me to the Moon and let me play amongst the stars’”
Operator: “[click] Hello Mr Hurtz, my name is Danny and I’d like to talk to you about how you could change your life today”
Liam: “I’m not really interested in buying anything”
Danny: “Oh I’m not selling just anything Liam, may I call you Liam”
Liam: “Yeah sure I guess, it’s not my name but if you like Liam will do”
Danny: “Oh really, I’m sorry the other operator must have written it down wrong, what is your name may I ask?”
Liam: “Look I’m gonna level with you, my name is Liam, I was lying before, I’m a horrible person”

Danny: “O-k then Liam, can I call you Liam”
Liam: “Hmmm, how about ‘big guy’, or ‘muscles’, I always liked when my uncle called me that”
Danny: “I’m not sure if that’s in the regulations”
Liam: “Yeah, I guess your right, I don’t want to get you in trouble, I guess Liam will do then”
Danny: “Okay Liam, right now in your life would you say you’re going well”
Liam: “Well I have a good job, a wife where ever she is and I have a wonderful dog”
Danny: “How about spiritually?”
Liam: “What do you mean, as in religious?”
Danny: “Yes how do you feel your spirit is being looked after?”
Liam: “I guess it’s alright, I mean I don’t really think about it that much”
Danny: “Well what if I told you there was a way to guarantee your soul will be fine after you die”
Liam: “I’d tell you to tell me right now or I’ll hurt you”
Danny: “Ha-ha, yes it is imp….”
Liam: “No I’m serious bitch, tell me now or I’ll have you, you dirty mole”
Danny: “……”

Liam: “Hello, Danny, are you there… Look I’ve done shit, bad shit, things you can’t even put in the paper, you need to tell me”
Danny: “O-k just wait a second my supervisor wants a word… [heavy breathing in a paper bag]… right that’s fine just doing some quality control”
Liam: “Yeah I know thats bosses hey, can’t live with them can't fillet their skin into a suit, hahahaha”
Danny: “One more second Liam… [more heavy breathing] …just a bit longer please… [muffled] dam pills, child proof caps… Liam… Liam, are you there… oh thank god for tha…”
Liam: “Sorry about that Danny just had to let the wife in, we don’t have a cordless and I had to unlock the basement door.”
Danny: “Oh that’s alright… wait you're in the basement or she was?”
Liam: “Now how can you guarantee my soul will be saved when I die?”
Danny: “… oh, uh, I-er… well you and you family can be saved by a few simple steps…”
Liam: “Let me just stop you there Danny, the family… is not really high on my list for saving, I mean they can probably do that themselves, what I really want to know is…”

Danny: “Yes…”
Liam: “My stuff… I have a lot of stuff I don’t really want to leave it here, will there be room”
Danny: “I guess, what type of stuff?”
Liam: “Well that’s personal, and what’s the whole privacy thing like in heaven, I’ve got a lot of stuff I’d rather not let people see”
Danny: “How much?”
Liam: “Hard Drives of it, at least 30… best not to think about it Danny”
Danny: “Yeah”
Liam: “Danny I have a question”
Danny: “Shoot”
Liam: “What’s god’s stance on PVC chaps?”
Danny: “I… uh really couldn’t say”
Liam: “I love PVC chaps you see, four out of five days a week I wear them, and it’s not really something I want to change”

Danny: “I haven’t seen anything about it in the bible”
Liam: “Oh, hold on the bible… this is a Christian thing”
Danny: “Yeah”
Liam: “Well I’m not sure if I feel comfortable with what ever you’re selling now Danny”
Danny: “Oh… well were not really selling anything, it has no monetary value”
Liam: “I’d like to think my soul is at least worth something Danny, tell you what I’ll sell it to you for two grand”
Danny: “I don’t think I can buy your soul Liam”
Liam: “Oh, a bargain hunter is we, fifteen hundred then but I’m not going any lower”
Danny: “Look I can’t do it…”
Liam: “Fifteen hundred and I’ll throw in this iPod shuffle I bought off eBay”
Danny: “I rea… plus an iPod shuffle, that’s actually a pretty good deal, hold on I’ll give you my cell number and we’ll take later” is comfortable with PVC chaps... just don't ask it to wear the gimp mask

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