Thursday, October 30, 2008

Sphinctorial Response: Mario-urder...

Warning gratuitous boob shot incoming!

Take a guess at how many turtles I’ve killed in my lifetime, go on I wont mind. I promise you its no more than seventeen, well that I know of. There are some gaps in the history, and some malicious wounding that may have turned out to be fatal… it’s just something about turtles. Ok I’m lying, it may surprise you to know I have never killed a turtle in my life, and hopefully will continue down that path. I’m very strictly anti Terrapinicide. I’m not saying I wont have to, I mean there could be some sort of ooze situation that may require me to ‘Shredder’ it up and kick some shell.

So what’s this about kids? Well if you hadn’t guessed it’s about violence in video games. Glorious violence. I’ve been playing games for some years now, and not once has it resulted in me being violent in the outside world, as many people try to tell you it would. Of course it all depends on the individual I guess. But as I said I’ve never killed a turtle in my life, and playing ‘Halo 3’ isn’t really going to make me start, if Mario hasn’t already.

It's kill or be killed with these things!

In Australia we lack an ‘R’ rating for video games. Meaning if a game can’t be classed as safe for a fifteen year old to play then it is just banned. Now some games that have been banned are just banned from retailers selling them but you can still import them on your own dime. Where as particularly heinous games like ‘Postal 2’ were banned altogether, you weren’t even allowed to own that game in Australia.

There isn’t a gamer in Australia that isn’t pissed about the lack of an R rating. For two reasons, one we're all democratically minded people and it smacks of Fascism when the government tells us what we can and can’t play. And we want to blow shit up on TV screens. Ok so that’s probably not the second reason, but I can go to any sex shop or DVD retailer and rent any amount of pornographic filth, lovely, lovely filth. Without the government even pausing to ask me if I want some lube with my copy of ‘Nasty bitches of teaching 7’.

Most gamers are over eighteen, it’s a recognised fact around the world, it’s something like 65 percent if I remember correctly. The lack of an R rating leads to two things, us not getting the games were old and mature… well old enough to play. And two, games that probably should be given an R rating are given a M15 rating. An R rating just makes sense, it doesn’t mean every game has to get through, let’s go back to ‘Postal 2’.

I said that game was banned outright in Australia, you couldn’t even own it with out facing fines. Well surprise, surprise I played it, and I actually agree with the banning of that game, it was sick filth at its most perverted. While there were some fun moments, having a gun battle with Gary Coleman in a mall… actually there was only one fun moment. The game featured some truly repulsive features that I won’t go into. But what really annoyed me, (sadly probably you’ll think), is the fact that it was just horrible to play, the damage the enemies took was ludicrous, the controls were clunky the guns, while creative, were useless.

No! left you fucker

It was like controlling a remote control car with a cheese sandwich. The game should have been banned because it was shite. And I still insist the only reason people played it was because of all the controversy in it. And that brings us to ‘GTA’, no doubt even if you don’t play video games you’ve heard of it. Poor old ‘GTA’ has become the whipping boy of every community, religious, parental Nazi group out there. I’m not denying it’s not violent or adult with its content. It is very much so. But it’s not a kids game, it depicts violence in a real and accurate manner.

But ‘GTA’ is a walk through a flowery meadow with the Smurfs, some Elves, the My Little Ponies and some really happy dolphin pups, compared to other games. Yet it still takes a beating every time around. ‘Saints Row’ for one is a greater offender than ‘GTA’ yet there is little to no mention in the media about the evils of that game. I haven’t heard a peep about ‘Gears Of War’, but the first time I chain sawed some one in half with the Lancer I seem to remember my words were something along the lines of “Fucken hell that shit was tits!”

Yeah that about sums up my impressions

To be brutally honest most of the games I really enjoy playing involve two things, driving and shooting, preferably at the same time. That’s just reality. I enjoy other games but the meat and potatoes of the games I play involve those two things and really only the second, a lot of it. So I’m a killer, well no. I’ve been hunting, there is a lot different about lining up some character model in a game and looking down the scope at a fluffy bunny. Shooting games don’t teach you how to shoot.

And if they did hold on all you rabbits I’m getting a BFG 9000 and toasting your arses. There is so much more involved to shooting a real gun than one might think, something a game doesn’t teach you. It’s not really about killing anyway, the game that is. Think of it as more active chess, its strategy and thought put into action. If it was about being violent I’d just watch Rambo 4 and be done with it. We shouldn’t just open up the flood gates and let seven year olds play ‘GTA’ or ‘C.O.D’, the ratings are there for a reason, but banning everyone is just wrong.

I think it's a different BFG I'm thinking of

Does controlling violence influence people’s way of thinking, well as I started out I’ve never killed a turtle. And from a really young age I was damn sure that if I jumped on some ones head I wasn’t going to get an extra 100 points. No doubt I’m desensitized to virtual violence, I’m not going to argue that. But real violence is different, I can’t even watch the paper cut bit from the first jackass movie. To think that your kid is going to play ‘GTA’ or ‘Bioshock’, and start trying to stab people is really doubting their intelligence.

They can tell the difference from harmless screen violence and real world violence. And if your child does think jumping on a turtle is going to get him some bonus points, maybe think about some drastic measures. While accurate depictions of violence may be disturbing they teach you about what happens, bodies don’t just disappear in a cloud of lines and numerals. There’s blood and gore.

I play as a stress relief, and to have fun, its like tennis for people that aren’t pretentious wankers… hey tennis players prove me wrong. It’s relaxing, no matter what I’m playing whether it’s ‘Mario’, ‘GTA’, ‘Pong’, ‘Project Gotham’, whatever. Violent or not it all brings about the same result, fun… a lot of swearing and fun. harbours deep resentment towards King Bowser...

Monday, October 27, 2008

Talk to Liam: Spencer needs an optometrist

Liam: “[walks into waiting room holding mangy looking cat] Hello I’m here for my appointment”
Receptionist: “Ok what’s your name?”
Liam: “Yes…”
Receptionist: “I’m sorry?”
Liam: “Yes Liam Watts”
Receptionist: “Ok, ok then [flicks through book], Uh, I don’t see you here as having an appointment Mr Watts”
Liam: “Whats? What’s what?”
Receptionist: “Your name?”
Liam: “Liam”
Receptionist: “Ok, well Liam you don’t appear to have an appointment”
Liam: “Oh I know, that’s why I’m here, I was thinking maybe Ambassador or Envoy to the east”
Receptionist: “This is an optometrist”
Liam: “Is it because I’m black?”
Receptionist: “But your not black sir”
Liam: “Gay?”
Receptionist: “How would I know you were gay sir?”

Liam: “The cat? [he thrusts the cat forward and sits it on the desk, it appears drunk]
Receptionist: “[she looks at the cat uneasily] None of those things are it sir. We’re not a government body”
Liam: “Well what do you do?”
Receptionist: ‘We’re an optometrist, eye doctors”
Liam: “Ok then, could you test my cats eyes”
Receptionist: “I don’t think we have the equipment for that [moves back a few inches as cat leans forward]”
Liam: “That’s a shame he was looking forward to that”
Receptionist: “Sir… could you remove ‘it’ from my desk [sheepishly points at the cat]”
Liam: “Oh I guess… [picks up cat and places it on floor] Run free Spencer, run free and play to your hearts content [throws arms in hair, the cat sits there unmoved, back arched slightly leaning forward breathing heavily]. Look at him go!”
Receptionist: “Is he alright he seems a little…”
Liam: “Frisky?
Receptionist: “No”
Liam: “Randy?”
Receptionist: “Deathly ill, was what I was aiming at”
Liam: “[looks worried] Oh… you think… are you alright Spencer [looks down at cat]”
Spencer: “[sloppy breathing noise]”

Liam: “Oh he’s fine, I’ll just give him something to eat [pulls bag of dead mice from pocket], there you go Spence”
Receptionist: “Was that a bag of mice”
Liam: “Oh look at him he’s learnt how to use his mouth, pat him [picks up cat and holds it at arms length in receptionists face, cat makes burping dry reach noise and then licks its lips], hey Spencey”
Receptionist: “No, I’m fine thank you [holds up hand to fend off the advances of Liam and the stiff cat]”
Liam: “Your going to hurt his feelings [pushes cat closer, its back legs and tail flop straight down, its front legs straight forward and a ninety degree angle, its tongue laps out its mouth]”
Receptionist: “[slowly reaches forward] Well just a small one [she pats the cats on the head, as she does it gently vomits, the goo leaks out the cats mouth and dribbles down its front] oh…”
Liam: “He likes you!”
Receptionist: “Really… [she withdraws her hands and clutches them to her chest] I kind of got the opposite impression. Are you sure he’s alright, do you know how old he is?”
Liam: “[still holding cat at arms length] I don’t know I found him in the street… well I have to go now goodbye [turns and walks out of office still holding cat at arms length]” thinks you should also take your pet to the optometrist...

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Saturday Serial

Part 01 is here Part 06 is here Part 11 is here Part 16 is here
Part 02 is here Part 07 is here Part 12 is here Part 17 is here
Part 03 is here Part 08 is here Part 13 is here Part 18 is here
Part 04 is here Part 09 is here Part 14 is here Part 19 is here
Part 05 is here Part 10 is here Part 15 is here

Part 20
We come back to our story, of horror, terror, and awe inspiring awfulness as the General stands to attention both in body and mind, he struts confidently in front of his troops. These brave men who lay down their lives the first weekend of every month, for minimal pay and all the free beer they can drink. These men of hope and pot guts with little to no training and really big guns!

“See this men, this is a prese pass to the future… where we stand today may not be here tomorrow. But in the belly of the beast, the slavering dirty mongoloid of communist pig thuggery. This great nation and its glorious people must now stand tall and do what’s right, right for the country and right for the free market controlled world. Yes Communism is an advanced form of socialism and under a non corrupt government would see prosperity for every one.

But free healthcare and education for all the children of this great nation isn't in the best interest of several major companies. So today we fight for capitalism, today we fight for massive corporate bailouts with taxpayer money, today we fight for the fat cats who want to stay in their ivory mansions, today we fight for keeping the down trodden under foot. Today we fight for democracy!” The general screams standing on the hood of one of the jeeps. The crowd of half drunken National Guardsmen look back at him for a second…

“Can we take the beer?” One of them finally says raising a drunken finger, only to a few seconds later try and catch it with his other hand.

“Sure, why not” The General says after a moment of thought.

Meanwhile across town cutting a swathe of destruction through the city centre, the giant communist soldiers use their giant limbs and fists of communist fury to destroy everything in their path. The leader stops for a second and perches on the remains of the town hall and lets out a bellowing scream. Back across town a hush falls on the crowd of Guardsmen as they hear the mighty roar of the giant soldier. The General speaks

“Hear that men… woman… dog… and small poo encrusted murderer… that is the cry of tyranny visiting itself on the town you love. On the country you fight for, pay taxes to and receive meagre at best benefits from. Are you going to stand for this in your own back yard or you going to do something about it? What is it, roll over like the French, or rely on your weak puny animals to fight for you… even though they might be stronger than kangaroos like the Canadians.”

“Pffft moose’s suck” The Corporal adds

“Exactly, they suck buckets of moose piss, now join me in praying to the god of the National Guard, Huitzilopochtli, for good luck in the coming battle”

“Do we have to, I’m so sick of praying to heathen gods sir” One Guardsmen says

“Look son I don’t make the rules it’s in the handbook, before you go and do anything praise must be made to Huitzilopochtli” The General answers back as he pulls his head dress out of the back of a jeep. Will Huitzilopochtli down on them favorably, will Billy ever apologise for killing the Caracas demon, will this story ever end… tune in next week.

Ever wanted to pretend to be a giant communist invader, fancy a brand new hat, got some disposable income then check this out! Brand new to The Discreet Store is the BRAND NEW, ‘Attack of the 80 foot Communist military cap’, impress your friends, suppress Democracy, look fashionable, it’s all possible with this brand new item. But while your there make sure you check out the rest of the ultra fashionable items, such as shirts, aprons, clocks and assorted other crap. would never do anything without first praying to Heathen gods

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Sphinctorial Response: Free Speech for the Dumb

Morning bitches whats up… no, not digging my new greeting, ok fair enough kids, hello and welcome back to internet wankery. What is it this week, what force of intellectual stimuli will I be loading up into the orange gun of intelligence and firing at you with tremendous force. Which thing will I wrench from my dark nether regions and inform you my opinion of this time around. It’s the small matter of free speech.

Free Speech is great, it allows me to say all kinds of things, like watching fox news will give you a yeast infection. Rob Schneider is as talented as a shaven chimp and smells almost as bad. And many other degrading things. Or does it, there is a thin line between freedom of speech and defamation, and that thin line seems to be politics, or just a decent lawyer.

I know I've used it before but come on... comedy that good can't be kept in the moth balls.

I’m free to say almost anything I want against any politician, and just because they are that. It’s free speech and I can get away without having my arse sued for defamation. But if I were to finally get my show on national TV and I inform people that Scientology is a cult where they make you eat baby rats. And have you pray to Tom Cruises left cahone, I’d be slapped with a law suit quicker than you can say ‘all hail the power of Toms Scrote’. Why am I obsessed with testicles recently… it doesn’t matter lets keep going shall we.

Free speech is great until someone says something you don’t agree with. I know I’m guilty of this for sure, insert some right wing nut gabbing off about something ridiculous, for example the extermination of the Swiss*. Now you might be completely outraged by this or you might not, I don’t know your history with the Swiss. But I’m guessing more than a few times in your life the words ‘shot be should they’ have come from your mouth in some sort of coherent order.

You lose all concept of the thought that people are entitled to their own opinions on the Swiss or anything else, and you just want to be violent. As I said I feel this way to when anyone says anything I don’t agree with. But that’s the thing about free speech. You have to let them say what they say, if you want to say what you say. It also means any idiot with a mouth is bound to say something so stupid that you’ll crap yourself with the sheer idiocy of it.

And for some reason free speech has come to represent the idea that you have to say something, no matter is on your mind. Suddenly we have to tolerate every retarded concept from every internet and media crackpot because it’s their right to say it. Well I’m pretty much sick of that kids, I don’t want to have to tolerate holocaust deniers or extreme right wing views of homosexuality anymore. There is a massive difference between free speech and just preaching hate filled bile.

Freedom of speech is one of the important tenants of democracy it goes along with the right to protest. Hand in hand, even in one big rampant homoerotic democracy orgy if you will. But the right to speak isn’t an enforcement, it’s not because you have something on your mind, you have to say it. Free speech has become something people hide behind as one of their democratic rights, when they actually just use it as just some sad way to be controversial and get attention.

What? You were expecting somebody else?

The left aren’t in the clear either, they seem to be the worst for getting outraged when someone says something that is just honest opinion. Now I’m probably closer to the left than any other political affiliation. Just to let you know. But sometimes they are just a bit too precious to be honest. Unable to see past their own hypocrisy would be a good way to put it. Watching any sort of liberal media and you get the feeling that free speech is reserved for them and them alone, or at least that’s what they think.

If free speech is just the forced toleration of idiots, I don’t want it anymore. Sure if you’re going to say something important go for it, but keep your ideas about the Swiss to yourself.

*I couldn't find the episode where the Swiss army comes along with these giant Swiss Army Knives, so just watch that one instead. has no problem with the Swiss... the Polish on the other hand...

Monday, October 20, 2008

A special entry: 150, 25, 0...

Oh nose nots teh bunnezz

It’s a big time for me kids, and by big I mean, kind of just ordinary size maybe with some speed holes in it… I got no idea what I’m on about either so let’s just move on with this ball of crap. This giant steaming pile of pig related muck bound for that school bus of children and retard bunnies. 'Oh nose not the bunnies' you say… and I just stare back at you and push the giant ball of pig shit down the hill. Hahahaha I say take that! Again this has nothing do to with anything I’m about to say, but I just have to fill in some words.

150, yes that’s right bitches, this is post number 150. So how to celebrate, I know it wasn’t long ago I celebrated my 100th post. But who cares I know I don’t, and I’ll look for any excuse for people to give me a compliment. But 150, that like one a week for the past three years. If I but them together in a book that could be at least half an hours worth of entertainment in there somewhere. ‘Oh joy’… holy crap did I just quote Stimpy… I think I did, oh well. So apparently when you reach this milestone of creative triumph over numbers you’re meant to forgo any creative activity and just tell people some unknown facts about yourself. So here goes.

Uncle Dicky warns me about crossing him!

I’m related to the late great Richard M Nixon. Well no not really, he wasn’t great and I’m not really related to him, well not that I know but maybe one day I’ll be able to tenuously tie my family to his and I shall take my rightful place as king president of Americana Land.

I have ten toes, yep. Not industrial accidents have befallen me yet so I still have the proper number of digits on both feet. What? You didn’t know I still had all my toes so it’s an unknown fact, shut up will you and just swallow this crap!

I just figured out you have to use a super bomb in the glass tunnel to get into the rest of Maridia in ‘Super Metroid’. Ok so these facts are getting a little obscure, and I had to use a walkthrough to find that out but it’s still something new that you know about me. Rest easy though I’m now in there and exploring around like Sir Edmund Hilary in someone’s rectal cavity, I’m all up in that shit… sorry, you know that switch that says stop typing, some times you have to ignore it.

Ok three facts, that’s enough.

25, yes kids that’s right kids as of tomorrow, I’m one quarter of a century old. 25… and what have I learnt in my time on this earth, well a few things.

Don’t fart in the shower, no matter how funny it sounds you can’t escape.

Don’t ‘Dutch Oven’ yourself, of course its human curiosity to want to know what you have just produced but it’s never a good idea, just hold the covers down tight and what for the terror to pass.

If a friends older brother asks you if you want a ‘cupcake’, the answer shouldn’t be ‘yes’.

Don’t puke in the sink, unless you’re not the one cleaning it up. Amazingly pour drainage when it’s the consistency of chunky vegetable soup, take the few extra steps to the toilet, it saves you pawing through your own vomit with rubber gloves on whilst you ferry it to the toilet or bucket.

Lighting a fart will always be funny, no matter where you are, whether it’s a wedding, a funeral, a birthday party or a coronation. Without a shadow of a lie if you don’t have a friend willing to risk scorching their colon for a really cheap laugh, you need to get one.

And 0, the biggest number of all. Do you know what you get when you stick to the spirit of competition? Do you know what you get when you leave it up to other people to judge based on their own opinions? You get 0 votes… zero, zilch, nada, nothing, bugger all, bupkiss, a big fat fucking ball of jack shit. No votes! That’s what just got in Diesels caption contest. Now maybe my caption was genuinely the worst, maybe it deserved NO votes. But none! Jesus Norman Christ, maybe I should just give up and move to a cave somewhere, start blogging about bits of fungi that look like the Virgin Mary. thinks 0 votes was probably a decent reflection on the captions quality.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Saturday Serial

Part 01 is here Part 06 is here Part 11 is here Part 16 is here
Part 02 is here Part 07 is here Part 12 is here Part 17 is here
Part 03 is here Part 08 is here Part 13 is here Part 18 is here
Part 04 is here Part 09 is here Part 14 is here
Part 05 is here Part 10 is here Part 15 is here

Part 19
We get back to our story as really exciting stuff happens, The General, having just learnt of the destruction of the giant Caracas demon at the hands of some evil fiend, weeps openly into the Corporals jacket.

“I feed that thing when it was a baby, just a little tiny little thing of a thing and stuff” He sobbed as Dad looked on with disapproval at a grown man showing any emotion other than anger and pride, glorious god defying pride.

“Yes, yes sir we know he was very cute when he was small” The Corporal says comforting him and patting him on the back as he continues to cry into the Corporals uniform. Archie who is sitting on the chair still patting the goat sighs before deciding to ask a question.

“So what do we do now there must be a plan b… mustn’t there” Archie asks sounding more and more annoyed. The General stops sobbing for a second and wipes his eyes, handing the file over to the Corporal to take a look; he’s far too emotional to do it at the moment he thinks to himself.

“Hmmmm, lets see here… ah, General I think you should look at this” The Corporal says handing the file over

“Contingency plan ‘b’ in the case of communist invaders 70 foot or higher… oh!” He says at first still sobbing then immediately becoming excited as he reads plan ‘b’. Dad, Archie, Scruffs and mom stand around waiting for the General to announce it, Billy stands out in the foyer smelling of poo still.

The General walks behind his desk and removes his head dress, then replacing it with a polished silver army helmet. He slips on his aviator sun glasses and then clears his throat.

“Tanks, grenades, and rocket launchers” He says slowly and calmly but with an intense excitement in his voice. The Corporal standing behind Archie and the others unable to contain his excitement

“WoooooH!” he screams as he removes his pistol from its holster and lets off a shot through the roof, a few stray bits of plaster falling onto his shoulder.

“Dibs driving a tank” The General yells as he pushes his way through the group, he gets to Billy and swats him in the head pushing him aside like a small sewerage encrusted child. The Corporal follows closely behind bouncing excitedly around. From the office all of a sudden Dad, Archie, Scruffs and mom hear the blaring of an alarm, they walk to the door leading outside to see the General cranking the tornado siren as hard as he can as he laughs loudly, pointing and gesturing madly in every direction to the Corporal.

Slowly the troops sleeping around the base wake and gather in front of the General as he still cranks the alarm. The Corporal orders about the soldiers as lugs around a massive bazooka he pulled from storage a few minutes ago. Finally all the troops have arrived and the General stops the alarm, he walks over in front of them and almost trips a few times as he can’t see what’s in front of him with his sun glasses on at night. He stops in front of them and speaks… find out what in next week’s episode.

Ever wanted to pretend to be a giant communist invader, fancy a brand new hat, got some disposable income then check this out! Brand new to The Discreet Store is the BRAND NEW, ‘Attack of the 80 foot Communist military cap’, impress your friends, suppress Democracy, look fashionable, it’s all possible with this brand new item. But while your there make sure you check out the rest of the ultra fashionable items, such as shirts, aprons, clocks and assorted other crap. always relies on guns to solve its problems

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Sphinctorial Response: Pop goes Music

You know me by now kids you’ve all been reading for quite a while, and all those newbies… where were you? So you know I don’t often hoist my own petard, I’m a humble young man with no idea’s he’s greater than anyone. So it’s hard for me to type this. Now everyone has their own tastes in music. Everyone has their own little musical escape were they go and drift off to another place after a hard day. Everyone has their own opinion on what is good and what isn’t. And whilst every ones opinion is valid, to be more accurate any opinion different from mine is wrong!

Ah modern music the life blood of the creative industry. The pap ridden offal of modern culture spewed out by every talentless hack with an agent and a record producer with even a half decent knowledge of pro-tools. Here is where my problem lies, it’s when the word artist is used in the same sentence as the group of nouns that know come to symbolise pop culture whoredom, Britney Spears. Or insert some other name there as per your own choice.

Again do I need a caption?

Calling those people artist is an insult to people who can clap because they merely have two hands. Sure some of them can sing, and that’s some. Just because I listen to music with vocals that aren’t exactly clean and smooth, doesn’t mean I can’t tell when people can actually hit a note. Britney can, so can leather face, and that other one with the umbrella. But do they? Rock up to a live show and will you hear them actually singing, chances are no. And here is the rational of the fans. ‘Well with so much dancing it’s hard to actually sing. You’re there for the whole show not just the singing’.

And the answer to that is, either get to a condition where you can sing and dance that much, or cut out all the gyration and dry rooting and just sing, that’s what you are aren’t you. A friggin singer. When what they are made famous for isn’t even the focus of the fans, what do I expect to happen? I have a major problem with people that gain success when they have no real talent, people that say they are musicians when they can’t play an instrument and probably can’t even read music. In case you’re wondering I can’t but I’m not claiming to be a master of audio.

I prefer that people write and record their own music, actually be creative, it’s why they pay you millions of dollars isn’t it. So when you show me a band like Maroon 5, I should be happy right. A bunch of dudes playing their own instruments writing their own songs and actually playing music live. But I’m not. Because they suck. I can’t be anything but hypocritical here, so I’m not even going to pretend otherwise. I’m just going to start ragging on some bands I hate.

Let’s start with Fallout Boy, now to be honest I haven’t heard much of their music but to be honest, what I have heard I can’t stand or even understand. That song ‘this isn’t a scene it’s an arms race’ or whatever they called it. For the life of me I can’t pull a single coherent word from that song, and coming from a guy that will quite happily listen to Death Spell Omega that’s really saying something. I can’t tell you why I hate them, I just do.

Really... the cover

Maroon 5, I can’t understand why the hell any man, woman or child would like this music. Unfortunately some of my friends do and I really have no idea why, it puzzles me to no end. He also listens to Metallica, yet he chooses to soil his ears with that filth. It’s like listening to a man with no testicles trying to sound high pitched, whilst some one plays the off cuts from Spandau Ballet.

And to show I’m not just going to pick on pop music lets go for the Block Party next. Oh how its tortures me to even hear a whisper of that. You know kids when New Order made all that great music back in the eighties and early nineties. How good was it… back then. Ok so the Block Party might not be the best example, but how many fucking bands do we have to get channelling New Order or Joy Division, it was good when they did it, twenty fucking years ago. But move on.

It’s either smooth synth rhythms over jangly guitars, or just discordant beats plopped out for four and a half minutes while someone sings about some girl with a bladder infection. How come every single new band these days seems to be channelling someone, either The Beatles, ACDC (don’t get me started on Airbourne), New Order. What happened to originality? It’s a sad thing kids, when marketing gets involved in music, here’s a question to some of my Aussie readers…. Well here’s a question for Nurse Myra. Ever wonder why all the music on triple j sounds the same, why it’s either whispery folk music from some chick.

Deciding trends in 'real' music for the last ten years

Blue grassy folk music from some hippy douche or jangly guitar pop from some British band touted as the next big thing from NME magazine. Why all of a sudden when one artist hits it big the radio is flooded with ten thousand bands that all sound the same. It’s all a search for record sales and ratings, its all trends and fads, and it’s sad when music steeps that low.

Editor note: I realise I may have insulted some of the bands some of you lovely people listen to, and you might be quite offended. Well here are some of the bands I listen to at the moment, feel free to tear shreds off me for liking them if you feel so inclined. And a warning, probably not safe to go YouTube investigating whilst at work.

Johnny Truant, Genghis Tron, Opeth, Cult of Luna, Pendulum, Mastodon, Benea Reach, Botch, The Knife, Black Strobe, Meshuggah, Gojira, Daft Punk, Dillinger Escape Plan, Porcupine Tree, Oceansize, Godspeed You! Black Emperor, Parkway Drive, Vast, Tool, Ashes Divide, Korpiklaani, Kyuss, Machine Head, Mogwai, Mr Oizo, Nine Inch Nails, Polkadot Cadaver. thinks you have immpecable taste in music... never mind why its laughing at you

Member of, like what you just read? Questioning the values of modern society, well good for you champ sticking it to the man. Any way go here and vote for some of my other posts.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Talk to Liam: Liam gets pulled over

Police Officer: “[gets out of car and sidles up to window of car he just pulled over, taps on glass]”
Liam: “Come in”
Police Officer: “[folds arms angrily] Wind down the window sir”
Liam: “[winds down window slightly] Hello, can I help you?”
P.O: “Sir do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?”
Liam: “[furrows brow] Not as fast as you must have been going to catch me”
P.O: “This isn’t funny sir, I’d advise you to not try my patience”
Liam: “Yes officer, certainly [turns on ‘fuck the police’ by NWA on cd player]”
P.O: “Are you trying to piss me off son [leans over and takes off sunglasses]”
Liam: “Its stops being trying when you succeed [smiles]”

P.O: “Step out of the car sir [backs away from car]”
Liam: “[unwinds window full way and then climbs out through it]”
P.O: “What are you doing?”
Liam: “Oh the doors have been welded shut, I was trying to make it water proof [finishes climbing through window then sits on ground]”
P.O: “Get up sir your going to do a field sobriety test”
Liam: “Really, ok, what do you want me to do? [gets up off ground]”
P.O: “Stand on one foot”
Liam: “Mine or yours?”
P.O: “What… yours of course”
Liam: “[under breath] That’s not how I usually do it”
P.O: “Any reason why you were speeding sir?
Liam: “Oh yes, my wife is having a baby at the hospital and I needed to get there in time”
P.O: “Sir, I’ve heard that twenty times today already”
Liam: “I’m having a baby”
P.O: “[looks back at Liam disapprovingly] You’re not even a lady sir”
Liam: “[opens jacket to reveal shirt with breasts painted on it]”

P.O: “[looks alarmed] Ok sir close you jacket that’s enough”
Liam: “[slowly closes jacket, stops for a second flashes shirt again] Hey… you can touch one…”
P.O: “I’m just going to pretend that didn’t happen sir, I think its best for the both of us”
Liam: “Well you’re the one missing out”
P.O: “Sir you can’t go around speeding like you were its just dangerous”
Liam: “Yeah but I’m a very good driver”
P.O: “Sir your living with your head in the sand if you think that can save you from an accident”
Liam: “I don’t see what ostriches have to do with this”
P.O: “[looks up from writing ticket] Ostriches?”
Liam: “Yeah, that saying it’s about Ostriches”
P.O: “Yes… how they stick their heads in the sand when there is danger around”
Liam: “Is that what it means?”
P.O: “Yes…”
Liam: “Not that you can keep your head in the sand to hide from the ostriches, but that doesn’t stop them from being there?”
P.O: “[pauses and stares at Liam for a while] How the hell would it mean that? Are you sure your not drunk sir?”

Liam: “Quite sure”
P.O: “Well you’re getting a ticket for speeding”
Liam: “How fast does it let me go?”
P.O: “No, you’re getting one because you were speeding, it doesn’t let you speed”
Liam: “I’m not sure I want one then”
P.O: “Well you should have thought of that before”
Liam: “[rubs chin and ponders] Look behind you a three headed monkey!”
P.O: “Not going to work sir [finishes writing ticket] speeding never pays!” says there are Ostiches out there every where!

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Saturday, October 11, 2008

Saturday Serial

Part 01 is here Part 06 is here Part 11 is here Part 16 is here
Part 02 is here Part 07 is here Part 12 is here Part 17 is here
Part 03 is here Part 08 is here Part 13 is here
Part 04 is here Part 09 is here Part 14 is here
Part 05 is here Part 10 is here Part 15 is here

Part 18
We get back to our story of hope and heroism as Billy mom and Dad all stand around getting reacquainted with each other. Billy hops around hoping to get in on the group hugs between mom Dad and Scruffs.

“I’ve never been so happy to hug a dog covered in poo!” mom says as she puts her delicate lady arms around the sewerage crusted dog. Scruffs wags his tail wildly, glad to see mom and Dad again. Archie being the young impetuous man he is bangs his head on the wall of a nearby building.

“Can we go now, can we go now, can we go now, can we go now” He mumbles as he bangs his head against the wall. After the hugging has subsided Dad walks over to the car and climbs in.

“Okay mom in the back, Archie in the front, Scruffs and Billy you’ll have to walk. Getting so much poo in the car could void its warranty.” Dad says to the group standing in front of him. They all follow his directions carefully and as the car drives off slowly Billy and Scruffs move along behind them. Around a few corners and buildings of the National Guard base they come across a welcome sign. 'Generals’ quarters'.

White with big black letters, it stands there like a beacon guiding them to saviour. Before the car has even rolled to a halt Archie leaps out and runs to the door, Dad looks on disapprovingly. Archie bounds through the door without slowing at all, through the reception area and into the Generals office. The General stands there not with his military cap on, but with a large head dress with feathers poking out the top, he holds a dagger high above his head and a small white goat stands chained to his desk.

“Oh god dammit!” Archie says then takes a seat, flopping down in the wooden chair by the door.

“Can I help you?” the General says still poised ready to strike

“Ah General we have come to tell you about a threat to national security” Dad says walking into the room not even blinking at seeing the goat.

“National security… were the National Guard… this could be bad for our image” The General says quietly before continuing. “What exactly is the problem?”

“Giant 80 foot communist invaders” Archie says with his face still buried in his hands.

“Ye gods of the Inca’s” The General yells, he reaches for the intercom on his desk and presses the button. “Corporal”

“Yes sir, do you need a livelier goat” The Corporal said through the intercom

“No… this ones fine”


“Quiet… Bring in the classified files on ‘Situation J43’ Corporal, we have a problem”

“30 foot fascist invaders?”

“Oh yes that’s right… ‘Situation J57’” The General corrects. In a few seconds in bursts the Corporal looking very worried, he hands the file to the General who flicks through it.

“Ha there we are, contingency plan A, in the case of Attack from Communist invaders 70 foot or higher… hahaha, nothing to worry about. Corporal, order the men to unleash the Caracas’s demon hiding under the mesa rocks in the desert”

Billy hearing this slowly backs out of the room, with a look of embarrassment on his face. And it’s not just the fact that the General pointed out he’s covered in poo! With the only hope for humanity slain by Billy, who will now defeat the giant red soldiers of death? Will Scruffs ever get another bath, will Archie ever meet another human who isn’t bat shit crazy! Find out next week.

Ever wanted to pretend to be a giant communist invader, fancy a brand new hat, got some disposable income then check this out! Brand new to The Discreet Store is the BRAND NEW, ‘Attack of the 80 foot Communist military cap’, impress your friends, suppress Democracy, look fashionable, it’s all possible with this brand new item. But while your there make sure you check out the rest of the ultra fashionable items, such as shirts, aprons, clocks and assorted other crap. thinks plan J57 probably wouldnt of worked anyway!

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Thursday, October 09, 2008

Sphinctorial Response: Democracy the problem!

Ok so last week I ended up on a rather distressing note. Democracy is the problem. Now I know you’re all freedom loving peoples and all that, but it is. Democracy is a problem. A long time ago people in togas that had paedophilic sex with young boys, stood around in a stone building and thought it would be a nice idea, if all the rich people could be in charge instead of just one really rich guy. That was ancient Greece and that was democracy. In between whipping slaves, eating grapes, having toga parties and ‘sexing up’ the boys, they voted on stuff and basically made life better for each other.

That was real democracy, a council of men, yes men, take that feminism! Deciding on the direction the ancient world should go. It was still government of the few over the many. But at least unlike today the power didn’t funnel to one guy, to put it simplistically. Yes it still went to a bunch of old rich guys, but it worked, it was a society governed by government and religion, not by money.

Hal... are you alright?

Fast forward a few thousand years and here we are, modern society. Spectacular in all its re-splendid glory isn’t it. And we still have the same form of government, Democracy. Only now it’s not working. There have been a few other experiments to find better ways to do it. But none of them would work apparently. Communism, Fascism, Dictatorships, Empires whatever they were they didn’t work. Why?

I can’t wait for Skynet. I really can’t, it will take the one thing wrong with politics out of the equation, people. One giant robot humming away in the corner, maybe a few lasers. Sure it will make ‘Hal’ look like a weekend with the ‘my little pony’s’. But at least it would get a proper leader. So let me explain myself I guess would be a good place to go next. Here’s how democracy worked in the ancient times. Not particularly fair, but when you have the danger of other men in togas busting down your city walls and raping your goats, then one rich guy is as good as the next.

Here’s how it’s meant to work today, the people elect a leader, and a group of lesser individuals to make decisions on their behalf, in the hopes that it will be best decision for the country.

And here’s how it actually works.

I don’t think that needs explaining. We are a capitalist society, money is the most important thing, and it’s only going to get more important in the coming years. And big business is looking to hold onto its share of the prize. Slowly as money became god, people looked to get more and keep the amount they had safe. Whether it’s through the media or campaign contributions, business is in control of democracy. It worked fine when the safety and welfare of the citizens was the key issue. Introduce the cheque book though and then the shit hits the fan.

It's human nature to want to protect your own arse, to make sure your fine even through the biggest of storms, so blaming people is pointless. But I’m a big fan of pointless so that’s where I’m putting the blame, right smack bang on people… you know who you are! People vote for themselves, there is no sense of community any more. With business being the power in the world it’s all about 'me' and how do I get mine? You can steal from your neighbour Bill, cave his head in with a lawn ornament and steal everything in his house.

No one will ever know!

Little harsh I know, but Bills a prick, it doesn’t matter. Democracy used to be about the community as a whole having its voice, choosing its path. Now its one vote, one choice, how ever many people in the country all voting for themselves. Democracy isn’t I, it’s we. You just can’t take that capitalist mindset over to democracy, they’re two different ideals. You can have cake or ice cream, but not both.

And then there are the times normal people have just up and fucked the whole pooch by themselves without any help from business. I said last week that charisma counts towards the success of a candidate or leader. A used car salesman could unfortunately do the job, well there are worse outcomes we’ve seen them. Democracy allows for candidates to play on the weakness and fears of the voters. Often with disastrous consequences.

Whooo, yeah democracy show me your boobs!

There are far too many distractions outside of democracy for it to work properly, it relies on people having knowledge of the facts, not which Pop Idol phone number to ring. And it relies on the government not only remaining in power but also not corrupting itself and laying down to please everyone like an eager college girl with low self esteem. As I see it we have two choices go back to the all powerful government, or we just throw our hands up and hand it over to the ninjas and the NRA. Business of government, cake or ice cream… which do you want? doesn't approve of these anarchist rants.

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Monday, October 06, 2008

I could take 'em: David Suzuki

I don't know how he writes without any hands

I remember the last time I did one of these Diesel likened it to James Joyce with a rail road spike in his noggin, so that’s good, isn’t it? Of course it is, everyone’s favourite petroleum based blog overlord is always complimentary. I also believe I was still under the impression my alter ego was fooling people, so it’s been quite some time since this category has been pulled from the fire and tossed around like a piping hot baked potato of stupidity.

Yes that’s right kids its time again for me to show how much of a man I am, be telling you all rather unconvincingly that there is a long list of people I could ‘take’. Fighting truly is the best way to show people you are better than them, so here I am again to prove my worth describing how I would beat up some person.

But who, which unlucky SOB, is going to get it from me the big man with the big muscles. If I’m honest kids it doesn’t really matter, since I’m more than likely to at one stage ‘go low’ as the kids put it and kick, punch or bite said person in the balls. But we still need to name a person, who do we have kids, lets take a look at the list… yes , hmmm, indeed, ah there we go this should be a fair challenge.

David Suzuki, eco warrior and all around nice guy, sounds like a decent fight. Plus he’s Canadian so he’s bound to be useless at fisty-cuffs, hey Canada prove me wrong. Why I would want to fight one of the greatest humans of the modern age isn’t important here kids. Just pretend it’s for some sort of FOX TV special. But as usual I have to go through how this fight would come about.

There’s me, I’m walking down the street, I’m wearing a head band because they are cool, and I have some sort of vinyl jacket on. Suzuki comes from the other direction, and me being the gracious individual I am step aside to let him through.

Me: “Hey, Mr Myogi”
Suzuki: “No you have me confused with Pat Morita”
Me: “No, see I’ve almost seen the karate kid movies 3 times, I know an actor when I see one”
Suzuki: “You’ve almost seen them, then how can you know it’s me”
Me: “Uh… Gaydar”
Suzuki: “That’s silly if you’ll excuse me I have to go”
Me: “Oh ok then, sure just walk away, wax on wax off, yeah sure you’re just a big scaredy cat aren’t you Chairman Kaga”
Suzuki: “Ok know you’re just being racist and naming Asian people”
Me: “No I’m not… Cloud”
Suzuki: “He’s not even real or Asian, he’s from Final Fantasy”
Me: “Now who’s being racist”
Suzuki: “You’re a petty small minded individual”
Me: “Small mind this [snaps to crane kick position]”
Suzuki: “…… Oh it’s on!”

See it’s simple really, how many times have you seen that happen on the street. So there’s me arms raised one foot off the ground balancing ready to deliver my sweet crane style kick. David Suzuki opposite me, sleeves rolled up ready to fight back/cop the ass whooping of a millennium from a borderline racist maniac. How to beat him though, how to come through this unscratched and ready to rumble again should the need arise.

Like vampires and garlic... seriously

Well as everyone knows Canadians are left powerless in the presence of the element Carbon, have you ever seen a Canadian use a pencil, I’m telling you straight up, they can’t. It’s like werewolves with silver, but real, test it yourself. Go to your local Wal-Mart and buy a Canadian and some pencils. So after asserting your manliness over a seventy year old Canadian by shoving a pencil into his right kidney, what do you do… well you run, because nothing gets a mob together quicker than stabbing an environmentalist in a vital organ.

And that settles that, no more wondering how I’d beat David Suzuki for you, so when your kids/neighbours ask you that question you can answer with extreme confidence. And when they look at you with that look of ‘why do I bother trying to have intelligent conversations with you’, you can direct them here and tell them they should be happy with what they get. promises to try harder next time

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Saturday, October 04, 2008

Saturday Serial

Part 01 is here Part 06 is here Part 11 is here Part 16 is here
Part 02 is here Part 07 is here Part 12 is here
Part 03 is here Part 08 is here Part 13 is here
Part 04 is here Part 09 is here Part 14 is here
Part 05 is here Part 10 is here Part 15 is here

Part 17
We rejoin our story as Dads fine example of American automobile hurtles towards Billy’s head with tremendous force, more force than any foreign car could muster. Damned foreign automobiles with light chassis and responsive brakes. Billy turns to see the bright lights of his Dads car speeding towards him with the unstoppable force of eight metric tonnes of vehicle behind it. In a moment his entire life flashes before his eyes.

His birth, Saturday mornings watching cartoons, that one time his Dad showed him how to kill a hobo behind a gas station in Houston. His crush on Henrietta the hairy girl in his class, my god how Billy loved hairy girls. Seconds seemed to stretch out to minutes and then hours as the car continued to bear down on him, unstoppable in its path. Until without warning.


At a heady speed of three miles it collided with Billy’s meaty forehead driving it down into the pavement were in bounced and then returned to hit the cars bumper again. From in side the car Dad Archie and mom, sat frozen transfixed on the windshield waiting to see if anything would emerge. From down in front of the car came a small voice.

“Ow!” Billy said as he stood up and rubbed his head furiously to relieve the pain. He stumbles about for a second as the passengers of the car watched him silently. He stood still for a second then fell backwards onto a near by patch of grass. mom got out of the back seat and rushed to her little boy.

“Billy… where is Scruffs… Billy?” she yelled at him, clutching his hand in hers. Dad got out and walked over, looking his son up and down he smiled that he had survived. Until he turned around and saw the large dint in his bumper.

“Jesus damn you Billy, Jesus Damn you to hell, look what you did to my bumper” He yelled at the top of his voice, as he span around and pointed his parental finger at the small unconscious boy. His mother still there rubbing his hand and asking where Scruffs was. From the manhole in front of the car came a bark, turning around Dad and mom saw the shaggy head of their favourite poke its head up and give another bark.

Dad strolled over and pulled Scruffs out, while mom dropped Billy’s hand and rushed to pet her little Scruffs. Archie sitting in the passenger seat of the car just rubbed his head and groaned. He poked his head out the window and less than politely said

“General… giant communist invaders… go… NOW!”

Dad, turned and looked at him with strong disapproval, raising his voice at night, Archie knew no respect. Especially for Squidgy-mo guardian of the moon, but he would get his one day, in heaven, or Valhalla. Billy came to and sat up sharply.

“Dad, what’s going on?” He asked in his usual chipper voice.

“Well son your grounded for dinting my car, and were about to inform the National Guard that there are giant communist invaders preparing to wreak havoc on America” Dad answered back.

“EGADS” Billy pronounced. Egads is right Billy, will our newly reformed family be successful in their mission, will the commies destroy civilisation as we know it? Is Dad a Christian or a Viking, tune in next week!

Ever wanted to pretend to be a giant communist invader, fancy a brand new hat, got some disposable income then check this out! Brand new to The Discreet Store is the BRAND NEW, ‘Attack of the 80 foot Communist military cap’, impress your friends, suppress Democracy, look fashionable, it’s all possible with this brand new item. But while your there make sure you check out the rest of the ultra fashionable items, such as shirts, aprons, clocks and assorted other crap. believes its place in Ragnarok is safe

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Thursday, October 02, 2008

Sphinctorial Response: Election!

Warning the following is a rant of monumentally stupid proportions

Ok so let’s talk about something that could actually be important. The upcoming US elections. Dubbed the most important election in modern history by some pundits this will decide the leader of the free world. Firstly can I just say this, who decided that, I know it’s not the actual position, and really the president of America has no power of the rest of the world. Buts it’s a largely acknowledged fact that apparently America > rest of free world. Now nothing against America, but can we have someone else be in charge of the free world for a bit. Let’s try Sweden or Germany maybe. Let’s have a country not involved in two unwinnable wars and with an economy that’s not, to put it delicately 'fucked'.

Ah, the smile of a clown!

Just for a bit let’s look somewhere else for some guidance. Now before we get on to the two new candidates for leader of the free world, let’s look at the current one. ‘G dub’, lets call him for comic effect. Now undeniably he will go down as one of the worst leaders in history, the man was a cowboy. In more than one sense. But sometimes people the world needs a cowboy, sometimes it just takes some clown with a gun picking off all the people, that everyone else is even scared to call bad names.

On the scale of bad to monumental screw up Iraq isn’t even able to be classified with words. It started 'bad' went to 'worse', shot through 'fucked up' and is currently somewhere near the noise a elephant would make when attacked by a horde of rampant weevils. But that’s war. War is never going to end the way you planned it. War is something you cannot plan. So don’t go to war then you say, well that’s one answer and the answer to that is shut up you hippy douche bag. What’s the quote the only thing needed for bad men to succeed is for good men to do nothing.


You can be against violence that’s fine, but war is a modern necessity, Hitler wasn’t going to piss off back through Europe after sitting down for a nice cuppa with Churchill. And Saddam wasn’t going to stop being a prick, yes one day he would have died, but then we would have had his two psychotic spawns to deal with. And those two fuckers made Saddam look like poppa smurf. You can hate Bush with a passion, I know I do, but remember he did something that should have been done a long time ago. Sometimes you need a cowboy. Some one who will act, maybe under the wrong pretence, but someone who’ll man up and act.

Now onto the new prospective leaders, Obama and McCain. Apparently the former being to young and the later being to old, one has experience the other has charisma. Well going by that, I know I’d want the leader who’s going to be able to smile whilst stealing from my pocket. Or do I want the guy who’s going to die midterm and leave us with the possibility that ‘Commander in Chief’ was a prophecy.

As far as I can tell nothing much has changed since last time you had to vote my Yankee friends. You’re voting on promise, a big bowl of well wishes and blind faith. You may be the most well informed voter out there, but still you’re voting on the promise of whatever your candidate is saying they’re going to do. Apparently the most important job in the free world, yet it has less accountability than working at a seven eleven. Doesn’t that bother you?

"And I thought people would love my idea of changing the currency to italian sausage"

That any clown can get into office completely screw shit up, but as long as there is no ‘cigar’ incident involved. They will be completely clear of any punishment or threat of losing the job. Here’s a new rule for incoming presidents, when you leave office there is another vote, on whether you did a good job or not. If the answer is no, ‘sorry, we’ll take your left arm thanks!’. Simply as that, do a bad job we're taking a limb. That’s completely fair if you ask me.

Obama, apparently has no experience being president… well folks either does McCain, and by that arguement no one has any experience at any job they have never done. Hell every single teenager is completely unemployable. Foreign experience, Bush didn’t have any and he still got voted in, so that shouldn’t stop Obama either. But he is charismatic, and he’s a liberal so no doubt will gel well with other leaders of the world. Personality is important, unfortunately, a decent used car salesman could probably do the same job.

McCain quite frankly is just too old, when your generation gap is ‘multi’ you should give up. His VP has about as much experience as a monkey in a suit, but thats a pretty hot monkey. People say he’s a war monger, because he still wants to keep troops in Iraq. Well what if that actually works, what if he fixes it, are all the liberals going to eat a big shit and humble sandwich. Probably not. And that’s what annoys me, especially about American politics, all over the world you elect on promise, that’s democracy in a capitalist world. But and in America especially there is this militant opinion of your own side and the opposition.

Free AK47's and Abortions for everyone!

It’s the same in Australia, you vote the way your parents did. If you grew up in a blue state then odds are you’ll be a blue voter. Its sociological, your values affect your political leanings, so it doesn’t matter which candidate is best for your country. And you stick to your guns militaristically so, a swing voter is a rare thing. You get the feeling some people would still vote for there candidate no matter what they said or stood for.

Obama: “I’m for free pool parties every Sunday…and I’m going to mandate every school teacher postman and waiter carries a gold plated AK47”

McCain: “Free abortions for everybody”

What if, what the other guy promises works, I know its never going to happen. So don’t worry, you can still keep on yelling McCain’s a warmonger baby seal clubbing redneck and Obama’s a hippy liberal douche. But what if suddenly everything works out, there’s low unemployment, the economy is fine, hospitals and schools flourish and it was the other guy that did it… what then?

Next week, democracy is the problem! promises it will write in Rickey Henderson

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