Saturday, November 29, 2008

Saturday Serial

Part 01 is here Part 06 is here Part 11 is here Part 16 is here Part 21 is here
Part 02 is here Part 07 is here Part 12 is here Part 17 is here Part 22 is here
Part 03 is here Part 08 is here Part 13 is here Part 18 is here Part 23 is here
Part 04 is here Part 09 is here Part 14 is here Part 19 is here Part 24 is here
Part 05 is here Part 10 is here Part 15 is here Part 20 is here

Part 25
We rejoin our tail of extreme tyranny and excitement as the General stands mounted on a large cannon stroking it and whispering sweet nothings to it.

“You’re a good cannon aren’t you, yes you are, who’s a master of destruction, and shiny to” He whispers to it as he strokes it slowly running his hands along the shiny metallic surface almost erotically. Meanwhile several soldiers and Dad stand watching in a state of horror and jealousy at the same time.

“Ah… General, me and the rest of the men would like to know if we are ever going to hunt down the rest of these giant invaders” Dad asks.

“What, oh yeah sure that’s what we're doing now… everyone go back to your tanks were about to move out” The General orders while still standing over the barrel of the cannon slowly sliding his hands along it. With that the guardsmen run back to their tanks and jeeps and load up excitedly awaiting a chance to kill something. But first they have to have a few more beers to get their ‘buzz’ back.

Meanwhile in the distance they are watched by giant soviet eyes, the giant commander of the giant invading giant communists watches them from a faraway hill. He has seen the felling of one of his men and isn’t happy, regrouping the rest of his troops he tells them the plan of attack.

Meanwhile Billy at the back of the convoy struggles to keep up to the rolling squad of American death and patriotism. mom still hugs Scruffs and doesn’t look like letting him go for quite a while yet. Archie having long given up the thought that his opinion matters is lying in the back of the jeep trying to sleep.

“I’m tired” Billy yelps as he stumbles behind the jeep trying to lean on it so he can get even a little respite from the constant running.

“Can’t I come on board mom?” He pleads in a whiny little voice, before mom can answer

“No” comes the stern voice of Dad from the short distance he wanders back from the front of the line of tanks and jeeps.

“You have to learn your lesson for being curious and wandering off”

“But you told me to go and play, and you’re the one that left me!” Billy whines, and then stops after realising what he’s doing

“Are you speaking back to me? I’m your father, I spent a good two minutes implanting my seed in your mothers love hutch for you to be here, and you’re talking back to me?” Dad says quietly yet angrily

“I’m sorry sir, I didn’t mean to, I know how much you resent the fact you had to be intimate with mom” Billy replies quietly

“Damn straight, it’s like purgatory in there, and your mother didn’t enjoy it either”

“Its true dear the thought of your father on top of me is something I don’t want to remember.” mom says from somewhere behind Scruffs.

Will we hear more about mom and Dads sex life, will the General lead the troops to success, Will and Grace channel ten 7.00 pm. Tune in next week to find out.

Ever wanted to pretend to be a giant communist invader, fancy a brand new hat, got some disposable income then check this out! Brand new to The Discreet Store is the BRAND NEW, ‘Attack of the 80 foot Communist military cap’, impress your friends, suppress Democracy, look fashionable, it’s all possible with this brand new item. But while your there make sure you check out the rest of the ultra fashionable items, such as shirts, aprons, clocks and assorted other crap. always wants to hear more about your sex life!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Sphinctorial Response: Mind my language

LANGUAGE WARNING Strong language used, probably not safe for work... or people with taste.

A lot of people out there are what some people might call grammar Nazis. People that focus in on the mistakes in spelling and grammar people make and berate them for it. Me, not so much. It’s not that I don’t care if I’m right or not. It’s just that if the message gets through and it’s not embarrassingly bad, then I’m pretty laid back on the subject.

But language is more than just proper syntax and spelling ‘fulcrum’ correctly. Language also involves swearing, fuck, lovely unashamed swearing. I love swearing, well not so much love, just do. I’m Australian and male, and from a regional area, so if each sentence doesn’t involve ‘fuck’ or ‘shit’, there is probably something wrong with me, or my nanas in the room.

In her endo ha ha... I'm sorry

Swearing has just become a part of my language, since I was in primary school when I learnt it from my friends, those damned bad role models. And to this day it’s just a blur of cuss words and filthy innuendo, or your endo, as I make my way through every day life. Swear or cuss words have lost their ‘badness’ long ago for me, and have just sank into every day language. I don’t unleash them in just any situation, my internal switch seems to work pretty well.

Me: “Hey, would you pass the fucking potatoes”
Mum: “Hey language”
Me: “Oh, yeah sorry, would you pass me the fucking potatoes please”
Mum: “That’s not funny”
Me: “Arse… balls, shit, fulcrum, nipples, placenta, vaginal quiche”
Mum: “You’re such a little cunt”
Me: “Ohhhh, not the C-bomb, please mum were trying to keep it PG around here”

Ok so my mum would never say the c-bomb, in fact I don’t think I’ve ever heard her go worse than ‘shit’. But back to me, I don’t find those words offensive and I don’t really think there is any need to.

‘They are not in heaven because they fuck wives of Ely’ is thought to be the first used example of the word. Taken from the poem ‘Flen flyys’ written somewhere around 1500 ad. The word was probably changed because of the connotation that members of the church, whom the poem was about, were misbehaving. This is also most likely why it is seen as a curse word, because it was making fun of religious figures.

Ok so you don’t like the word I’m not trying to convince you to start dropping it into polite conversation along with any other swear words you may care to. So Bill from work says he can recite the entire script of ‘Tron’ from memory, and you don’t believe him, I’m not asking you to call him a fuck knuckle poo burglar. I’m sure just punching him would suffice.

Even the C-bomb came from innocent beginnings as merely an Anglo Saxon word for the Vulva or Vagina. There was even a street for the hookers in ye olde times called Gropecunt street. Because that’s were you would go to grope… ah you get the idea.

“…the oldest people. Wandered far away over all the earth, captivity to captivity, multiplying, dying, being born everywhere. It lay there now. Now it could bear no more. Dead: an old woman's: the grey sunken cunt of the world.’
James Joyce referring to the Dead Sea in Ulysses

See even proper writers swear. We seem to have become more prudish over times as certain values from certain traditions have become more prevalent. (That’s my nice why of blaming Christianity). Words that simply referred to a piece of anatomy or an act of sex, violence or craftsmanship, somehow hold this holy status as evil, when they never meant that. So come on kids lets take them back, I wont be happy till its being used everywhere.

Newsreader Tom: “And now to international affairs, were we’re joined by foreign correspondent Michael Hunt”
Mike: “Thanks Tom, Yes I’m here on the steps of the French embassy”
Tom: “What’s happening Mike?”
Mike: “Shits all fucked here Tom, there isn’t anything without the distinct funk of being all outta whack”
Tom: “Fuck me that’s pretty heavy, I hear it’s because of Robert Mugabe”
Mike: “Shit yes… its all because of that prick, I have with me now French foreign minister Charlie Hrrrrrnng… Charlie what seems to have happened?”
Charlie: “Well we were all sitting in the sun eating cheese on crusty bread, when bomb this big explosion threatened to cork the wine”
Mike: “Indeed, and it was a bomb”
Charlie: “Of course it was a bomb”
Mike: “And you’re blaming Robert Mugabe, why is that?”
Charlie: “Because he is a, how you say, Cunt!”
Mike: “A big one to… Back to you Tom”
Tom: “Thanks Mike, Mike Hunt there with a fucking epic report about a massive cunt!”

What too much? Oh yeah, 100th post for the year WOOOT! definitely thinks it was to much...

Monday, November 24, 2008

As Seen on TV: My skin it glows... ARGHHH!!!!

So kids here we are again, back in the throws of middle class hopelessness. Well it is for me, any way lets get into it shall we. I think this week we will return to an old favourite, I have written about this before in the olden days of the ‘Diary’. It was a little different back then, I was more complaining about the tactics used in the advert. This time it’s about the claims of the actual product.

Not one product though kids, no that’s not a wide enough target. This time children, I’ve pulled out the good old fashioned scatter gun and just started firing off rounds in random directions, hoping that one pellet will hit a target. Today we look at the one claim that exists in all beauty/skin products. In all my time watching TV adverts and advertorials I have never seen a beauty product that didn’t make this claim. Whether it was just by a voice over, or some third rate celebrity rubbing liberal amounts of melon rind and pig extract all over their face.

“It makes my skin GLOW”, that old chest nut kids. Every single time, said magic cream does what no other cream has before, it makes your skin ‘glow’. But why glow ladies why, why is luminous skin that important. Do you really need to be that easily spotted in the dark? Are you planning on becoming a landing beacon for planes, and only youthful essence, extracted straight from Susan Lucci, can help you accomplish that. Why glow, why that word, it just infuriates me.

How can glowing be that attractive a feature, are you trying to save on electricity. Thinking about using yourself as a power source are we, lighting the world with the amazing light exuding from your face.

And since when would a cream made from melons, apples, tree bark, dolphin oil make you shine like the Christmas star. We all know there is only one thing that makes people actually glow, yes kids RADIATION. Good old fashioned nuclear waste baby, want to look younger ladies well then step on up to the nearest abandoned reactor and breathe deeply. You’ll be fluorescent like light bulb. That why so many super heroes look so young.

The Incredible Hulk: “Ever since my radiation accident, hulk very angry, feel like smash. But skin so smooth, like baby, tiny smooth baby. If you want Hulk skin then call now, operators waiting with phones… tiny phones make Hulk angry… HULK SMASH WITH YOUTHFUL FIST”

Batman: “I’ve never been near radiation in my life… why am I here?… I knew shouldn’t have replaced Robin with Pete Rose…”

There you have it ladies two testimonials for the one treatment for your skin guaranteed to make you glow. From the two most respected superheros ever, well outside of Jesus and Ricky Ricardo. What more do you want, maybe some fins as well, to go with your new healthy bright green hue. Hell, you may even come away with some heat vision if you’re lucky. Or something else to help you fight crime, whilst outshining the sun with your epidermis.

And what’s this going to do to the ozone layer, if your face is glowing its obviously giving off some sort of Radiation itself. Can the earth handle this facial radiation. I’m just spit balling here people, it’s for all our benefit. You’d hate it if in 300 years future generations had to live under ground because ladies today started producing more Geiger activity than the a weekend picnic in Chernobyl.

It’s one of my constant nightmares… and I hope its one of yours to. favorite superhero is Aquaman... please don't pick on it.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Saturday Serial

Part 01 is here Part 06 is here Part 11 is here Part 16 is here Part 21 is here
Part 02 is here Part 07 is here Part 12 is here Part 17 is here Part 22 is here
Part 03 is here Part 08 is here Part 13 is here Part 18 is here Part 23 is here
Part 04 is here Part 09 is here Part 14 is here Part 19 is here
Part 05 is here Part 10 is here Part 15 is here Part 20 is here

Part 24
You rejoin the story dear readers as terrible happenings happen underfoot, and by foot I mean giant feet of an eighty foot communist fiend who is putting the boot to the mayor’s car, while he’s in it!

“You dirty sphincter, get the balls off my car or I’ll report you to the neighbour hood watch!” Screams the mayor as the giant bastard goes about stamping on top of the car with tremendous force. A few heavy blows then it cracks and the roof collapses. The mayor dives out and starts to run away, but having been enjoying the fruits of liberty and western democracy for years. He is rather too portly to run far. Seeing this, the giant soldier lines him up and lays the giant commie boot to him.

Back at the corpse of the felled invader Dad, Special Agent Chip Buckworth and the General stand around coming up with a plan to stop the invasion. They rub their chins and scratch their heads furiously as the Doc goes back to thrusting his arm into the ear cavities of the giant dead soldier.

“Now, and forgive me if I’m being impertinent or stupid, but couldn’t you just shoot the rest of them with the tanks like you did that one” Says Archie from a few feet away.

“Oh quiet would you, I’ve had about enough of your interruptions today. When will you learn that age means we are more important and thus have better ideas than you?” Dad says to Archie angrily.

“You know you’re never too old to join the army and get a proper haircut!” He continues pointing at Archie’s head.

“My hair is shorter than yours!” Archie yelps showing the stupidity of youth yet again.

“Actually, shooting them with tanks could probably work” The Doc says from the mouth of the giant dead soldier. “My god would you look at the size of that uvula… lab assistant… lab assistant where are you? Where is he? ...oh never mind he seems to have gotten lodged in the nasal cavity”

Suddenly from the sky in flies the mayor, he bounces once off the road then rolls into a nearby tank with quite a thud.

“Mayor, are you alright?” Asks Dad worried for the leader of this fine town.

“Yes, yes I’m fine I ducked and covered before he kicked me, is there anything ducking and covering can’t keep you safe against” The mayor says as he gets to his feet and brushes the dust off his esteemed suit.

“Wait, wait, wait… so Doc, your saying shooting a giant hole in this soldier’s chest with a tank is what killed him?” Asks the General as he starts to formulate an idea.

“I can say without to much doubt, probably yes” The Doc responds.

“Hell, ‘probably’ is good enough for me, lets go find some WMD’s… erh I mean Giant Communist Soldiers” The General yells as he climbs back on board his tank mounting the cannon like it were a giant steel serpent.

Will this end EVER, will the mayor’s car be covered under his insurance, will Billy ever get the chance to have a bath and remove all the poo, find out next week!

Ever wanted to pretend to be a giant communist invader, fancy a brand new hat, got some disposable income then check this out! Brand new to The Discreet Store is the BRAND NEW, ‘Attack of the 80 foot Communist military cap’, impress your friends, suppress Democracy, look fashionable, it’s all possible with this brand new item. But while your there make sure you check out the rest of the ultra fashionable items, such as shirts, aprons, clocks and assorted other crap. thinks you should duck and cover!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Sphinctorial Response: Its criminal apparently

If I could punch anyone in the face, it would be Judge Judy… hang on kids I’m trying to think of a way to relate that to this post. I don’t think I can, oh well. Having dealt with some small issues in the Sphinctorial Response, like whaling, games classification, free speech, democracy I thought it was about time I dealt with something important.

CSI… oh shut up, it is important. Yes Jerry Bruckheimer’s social experiment to see if he can produce the same show over and over to see if anyone will notice? And so far it seems no! Let’s run through an episode of the original CSI, somebody is killed, and along comes Grisham or one of the others. It’s always a murder, because crime scene investigators don’t investigate other crimes, just murders. And its always at night, I didn’t know Vegas was in Iceland where it’s dark six months of the year.

Somewhere in one of my shows I've hidden some original storylines... can you find them?

Anyway somewhere along the line hot chick shows up and bends down in tight jeans, she says something clever and then Grisham chokes one out behind a nearby dumpster… no that’s not what happens you say kids. Well probably not. Blah, blah, blah exposition, b-story, introduce the killer at some stage then interview them in a snide and repugnant manor, even though you have minimal at best evidence they are involved. At some stage to, the criminal will no doubt say ‘you haven’t got the evidence’ or something extremely similar, pretty much admitting their guilt, and then Grisham rubs one out again while saying something incredibly profound. End.

And that’s every single episode you could ever imagine. Now let’s go to Miami, Grisham is now a red head and replace the slightly older hot chick, with a blonde younger one. It’s amazing how many attractive people go into forensic science, and how they all end up teamed together. Any way in between removing and putting his sunglasses on his face, Horatio finds the time to slink about around sunny Miami, rubbing ones out behind dumpsters and solving crimes. Only he’s a little more of a dick to the suspects.

Suspect: "You can talk all you want I'm never going to tell you what you want"
Horatio: "Where the body scumbag"
Suspect: "What body?"
Horatio: "Your wifes body"
Suspect: "... right next to me... alive, you can see her"
Horatio: "You think your so clever don't you"
Wife: "Look can we just get our coffee and go"
Horatio: "I hope you choke on your mocca half decaf esspresso"
Sus[ect: "And I hope the manager has a word to you about your personal hygiene, but we can't always get what we want can we!"

Yes we know they are killers but if we’re trying to suspend viewers disbelief, try not having Horatio walk into an integration room, and rely completely on his gut. I thought he was a forensic specialist, usually they gather evidence before they go around accusing people of being dirty bastards. And then we have New York, blah, blah, blah, that hot greek chick, murders, Gary Sinese is a ninja, mob connections, tough New York cops. It’s all very obvious kids. Almost everything in the big book of clich├ęs ticked off there kids.

Its three shows featuring different actors that all seem to be playing the same characters, investigating the same crimes, just with different filters on the cameras. One takes place at night, one in the blistering sun and the other takes place in Bruckheimer’s colon. Half the fun in these shows comes from guessing the killer. But with a guest cast of about four, the odds are pretty good you’re going to get it right. Especially in Miami, where you just go along with whomever Horatio has a hard on for.

The problem is guessing the killer is about as hard as having feet, barring some sort of accident or birth condition its almost guaranteed. The only way to escape that though would be to not have the killer as a character, and that would just frustrate the audience, though it would be quite surprising.

A killer says What!

I don’t really have a problem with these shows, but to me they seem like they could be better. Far better, for all my hating and malicious comments I’m sure David Caruso can act, as I’m sure Gary Sinese can. But they just rely on the formula to much, and everything is always solved, be different have some open cases. Try not having Horatio blow his load over the murderer the first time they meet, (why am I continuing with that line of metaphors). Try not making all your characters accusatory pricks, who rely on the ‘A killer says what’ tactic. And here is an idea the next time the suspect says something snide and guilty, like ‘oh you’ll never find out where I hid that knife, the one I used to stab that dude in the face’. RECORD IT ON TAPE! has a pretty good idea where the knife is... but it wants to make a deal.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Meme related thuggery... bitches

So its meme time kids, VE over at VE’s fantastical Nonsense challenged me to a duel. Well not a duel, he just asked me to list the ten most embarrassing singles I bought as a teen or preteen. So sit back kids and get ready for a trans-dimensional journey into the depths of my soul, the likes of which haven’t been seen since that time I accidentally poked my finger in my navel to hard.

1. Pavarotti sings the classics.
Yes unknown to most of you a few years before his untimely death Pavarotti gave the great musical unknown one last crack. Since Rogers and Hammerstein’s era great musical visionaries have been looking to experiment in this area. Hall and Oates almost cracked it but not until the great Pavarotti attempted has Opera and Gangsta Rap been melded together so well.

All the classics are listed on this album, yes I know it’s not a single but by Jove it’s about time this piece of musical history got the respect it deserves. There is nothing more thrilling then hearing the low warbling bass of Pav’s voice as he sings about the sticky icky. And few things compare to hearing the many skits he does in between the songs, never has the word ‘hoebag’ been used with such grace and aplomb.

2. Lenin Sings Show tunes.
Again not a single but I just love this album so much from the sadly now deceased communist and musical visionary. Now some of you may argue about the… well existence of this record. Sighting the fact that how could the musical ‘The boy from Oz’ be sung by Lenin, when the person it’s about Peter Allen, wasn’t even born when Lenin died. And to that I say ‘fuck you’, if you’re going to poke holes in my logic then you can just piss off right now!

It’s a cacophony of steel and brutish melodies from the ‘Soviet Rag Time Orchestra’ as Lenin beats out classic after classic, even stopping to talk to the audience and the orchestra about the importance of socialism, and spaying your potatoes… I know but by the end he was becoming increasingly crazy with the syphilis.

3. DJ Johnny H’s Skitz Party Mix.
Not many people know after his defeat in the election, Ex-Prime Minister of Australia John Howard, went back to his first passionate love. Thumping Techno music, and the sick beats of Drum and Bass. Many a club goer will argue about the generation gap between the elderly Howard, and his audience can’t be good. But few can argue once they hear the blasting ‘doof’ of Howards latest ‘Skitz Party Mix’. High energy beats and pulsing rhythms fill the air, and before you know it you’ve succumb to the call to ‘chomp some disco bikkies’. And you're out on the floor in only your underwear cutting sick like its no mans business!

4. Sly and Dolph sing Rocky 4.
And again we return to musical theatre, I didn’t realise I had such a love for it, but anyway here we go. Soon after the release of Rocky 4, it was decided that a musical of it should be done. Ok so it wasn’t a good idea, but it was still an idea and turned out not so bad. Yes all the songs seem to degenerate into a mix or low gurgles and muffled humming from the two stars after a few minutes of each song. But its still a beautiful musical experience and well worth the $300 I payed on eBay for my copy. Especially rousing is the version of eye of the tiger that seems to end in Sly and Dolph actually fighting while special guest Bridgette Nielson Screams about ‘the bees’. Simply wonderful.

5. Bill Paxton, We’re gonna die man we’re all gonna die!
And here comes the only single from this assortment of music but that doesn’t diminish the fact its still wonderful music. Shortly after Bill Paxton had finished his brilliant stint as that wimpy guy in the hit movie ‘Aliens’, and thus finished his self typecasting as the ‘scared guy’. He decided to try his luck singing. Well I say singing, it’s more of a musical journey through death and discovery, and Bill screaming ‘We’re gonna die man, we’re all gonna die’! It also features some great b-sides, all of which feature Bill’s whiny screaming voice as we realise his singing career is as one dimensional as his acting career (ooh bitchy).

And that wraps it up, so yes I could have done this meme properly, apart from the fact I have never bought a single in my life. I never saw the point in them, I could have done it with albums but I didn’t want to. Plus it gave me the chance to pull some really obvious jokes. prefers Mao's album of rock classics

Editors note: Dear Photobucket you stupid FUCKHEADS, get a fucking clue and fix your god dam resize tool you fucking arse clowns. Kids the reason you can't get a proper image of the Rocky cover or the Howard cover is because of those stupid FUCKERS and there god damn broken arse, shit fucking site. I've just spent the last hour trying to get the picture to fit right and still be a decent size. Something that seemingly isnt possible, its either so big that the right side is cut off, or its so retardedly small you'll go blind trying to decipher whats going on. No matter what I do, no matter how many god damn arse licking times I resize the fucking image, it simply wont recognise the fact I WANT THE IMAGE SMALLER YOU STUPID PHOTOBUCKET BASTARDS... thank you.

Fullsized Howard pic
Fullsized Rocky pic

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Saturday Serial

Part 01 is here Part 06 is here Part 11 is here Part 16 is here Part 21 is here
Part 02 is here Part 07 is here Part 12 is here Part 17 is here Part 22 is here
Part 03 is here Part 08 is here Part 13 is here Part 18 is here
Part 04 is here Part 09 is here Part 14 is here Part 19 is here
Part 05 is here Part 10 is here Part 15 is here Part 20 is here

Part 23
No… no, no Tony Danza not there… to the left… what, who? Sorry oh yes the story kids where were we? Oh yes we get back to our story as Dr Swiss Multi-Vitamin stands in a bloody hole left in the giant soldiers chest, he’s finished punching the dead soldiers balls so now he’s moved onto to more experiments in the name of science! Special Agent Chip Buckworth approaches him and takes a seat on the giant corpses face, his chin namely. It’s a weak soviet chin with no strength of character or charm.

“So Dr, why are these giant soldiers so communist” He asks looking ponderously out into the distant night. The Dr who is still rooting around waist deep in the bloody cavern emerges and flops some socialist gristle into a bucket.

“Fascinating… oh what, well Special Agent Chip Buckworth, it’s actually that these were communist soldiers who have been made giant, not giant soldiers who have been made communists” The Dr explains as he tastes some of the gristle with his tongue.

“Fascinating” he says again

“But why, how, who, why, who, how, when, who, why, what, whether, why?” Special Agent Chip Buckworth asks as he stands and starts to wander around on top of the giant soldiers face.

“Well, as my extensive tests have proven”

“What tests” Special Agent Chip Buckworth interjects

“The groin test and the taste test, I can confidently say it has to do with atomic radiation” The Dr says as he disappears back in the hole and starts kicking things in a very scientific manor. Behind him Special Agent Chip Buckworth sticks his head in the hole and asks another question.

“I’m no scientist doc you’ll have to explain it more” Well it was really a statement, wasn’t it. Nevermind, the Dr pauses for a second and stops fisting the hole in the liver he’s found.

“Fascinating… as a scientist here’s my best conclusion, somewhere along the line this communist soldier has come into contact with a vast amount of atomic radiation. Now that either means he has been dunked into a vat of Atomic Waste, or he’s been watching small amounts of TV at an unsafe distance. But that doesn’t explain we he’s become giantificated… Ah ha!”

“What is it Doc?” Asks Special Agents Chip Buckworths head, poking through the hole in the chest of the soldier.

“X-RAYS!... of course X-rays, I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. The Atomic waste particles will have reacted with there communist genes making them susceptible to X-rays”

“Just like the experiments we did on those kittens Doc” Says the junior lab assistant who appears from the large intestine having made his way through the colon of the giant soldier.

“Exactly, but with out as much exploding, it must have been the communist genes that made them tolerable to the high amounts of X-rays and Atomic energy.”

“Mmmm, science” Says the lab assistant as he begins jumping on a lung

“Science indeed…” The Dr says

Science holds the answer? Who knows I don’t you don’t, that guy doesn’t, but tune in next week and find out more!

Ever wanted to pretend to be a giant communist invader, fancy a brand new hat, got some disposable income then check this out! Brand new to The Discreet Store is the BRAND NEW, ‘Attack of the 80 foot Communist military cap’, impress your friends, suppress Democracy, look fashionable, it’s all possible with this brand new item. But while your there make sure you check out the rest of the ultra fashionable items, such as shirts, aprons, clocks and assorted other crap. does everything in the name of science

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Sphinctorial Response: The Interwebs

Please read all the article before you click any links

I hate the internet, I do I really do. I mean at the same time I love it, it’s bought me so many wonderful things. And by bought I mean stolen, I’ve stolen so much from the interwebs it’s not funny. Music, pictures, ideas, games, software so much I’ve gotten for free. And it’s also given me you, my audience, ok so that’s more of an advantage for you. Because only god knows the sad lonely existence you led before I came along. What did you do, I mean honestly kids, who talked down to you in an insulting and demeaning manor before me… who insulted your intelligence and made fun of your religious and cultural icons?

It doesn’t matter, if it wasn’t me then who cares. But back to point I hate the internet, for several reasons, and funnily enough I’m about to go into them for you now so this post actually has some relevance to the introduction.

1. Fanboys.
Fanboy, Noun- Cockhead… ok so that’s a little simplistic a description of a Fanboy. A fanboy feels about their obsession the way hardline fundamentalist Muslims feel about Islam. And that’s without any exaggeration. It’s really quite sad to see the amount of brand loyalty these people display, worst of all are the console fanboys. People that believe the PS3 is better than the Xbox 360 or vice versa. My view is that any difference is negligible and that it’s the games you play, not the system you play them on, but having said that I play the 360.

I wish I could take responsibility for this

Being a fan of video games I regularly visit many sites relating to them, to read reviews news watch videos blah, blah, blah. But one thing always greets me, rabid fanboyism at just about every turn. Fanboys seem to have a problem with people not liking things they like. So much so that if someone gives a review score to a game they think is below what it deserves, whether they (the fanboys) have played it or not. They are going to all for blood… not metaphorically either, its only a matter of time before underground PS3 and 360 terrorist groups start planning shit kids, trust me on this.

Why do they do it though kids, well its simple they are just trying to justify there choices. Insecure in the fact that since millions of other people might not like “Kicky fighter 9”, as much as they do. They are just going to have to yell and scream loud enough till everyone listens to them and agrees that their opinion is correct. They are a sad and lonely breed, I’m not one to advocate genocide… but.

2. Links
Remember when you read books kids, ok so some of you still do. I don’t really which is sad, but I read online, your blogs and such. But reading online has that problem of having links every where. In books when something was referenced it meant going to get the book off the shelf or buying it in a shop taking it home and reading it, all way to much time and effort. But now when something is referenced you can just click the link and check it out. No matter what it is. And here is where the problem is, there are certain phrases I dare people to not click on, you see the word ‘CakeFart*’. And I challenge you not to say to yourself ‘I wonder what that is?’

I know I shouldn't but... oh it's tempting

And it’s that feeling that has led me to so much heinous sick shit in my internet searching days. I don’t want to see that, ever. But there is something there when you see those little blue words, it’s like a choose your own adventure book for a second. ‘Hmmm shall I click the link that says obese donkey show, or just keep reading’?

My god puss, what the fuck were they thinking

3. YouTube
I hate this website, yes it’s a good resource, and can be interesting given the right material. But finding the right material on YouTube is like searching for the one intelligent member of the Hilton family. Sure you’ll find it but after a lot of soft core porn and encounters tiny, tiny dogs. People take the existence of YouTube to mean that they have to post everything and anything. Any dipshit with a video camera suddenly thinks they are funny or interesting so even the most defined search term brings up 100’s of videos of shit so weird and obscure Salvador Dali would crap his pants at the perceived weirdness.

And that’s it, I’d go for five but three is all I can think of and by now I’m pretty sure you’re sick of reading. I like the internet, but there is just so much shit clogging it up turning a wonderful useful resource into an over stuffed clipboard of porn images and useless information about World of Warcraft… I’m not saying there is anything wrong with either but…

*I wouldn't click that link if I were you, in fact I don't even know why I put it in. If you did click it I'm sorry, if you plan on clicking it I'm sorry, but I'd really recommend you didn't click it. I realise that only makes it more tempting, but seriously I wouldn't. thinks you should probably sue him if you clicked the link...

Monday, November 10, 2008

A special entry: But the kitten was fine...

I can't remember that scene but he probably pawned that helmet to buy more smack

Ok so last Thursdays post may have given you the idea I don’t like animals, but I do whales included, every single creature on this earth is spectacularly beautiful, apart from spiders… that fly that just tried to fly in my mouth when I was out walking, mosquitoes, crickets, spiders, lice, spiders, and people. Wait hold up there a second little doggy you say, people aren’t beautiful? Yes but I’m not the one who is saying it you are.

Well it’s not so much that we hate people is it kids, it’s just that animals are better, kitties, sea cows, dogs, lemurs, terrapins, mole people. Whatever the creature it’s just preferable to a human. Now you’re probably, as usual, wondering what in the name of fudge I’m talking about. You remember that scene from ‘Trainspotting’… ok good that explains it then you may go.

What I need to explain further. Oh very well then, the funeral scene for Kevin Mc Kidd. Ewan McGregor and the other guy are at his funeral and they’re talking about how he died, and throughout the entire scene there is this kitten wandering around the apartment of the deadee… funeralite… whatever you call them. Any way it gets to the point where it’s explained how he died and then there’s a pause, a lull if you will, then the sentence that explains this just perfectly, ‘but the kitten was fine’.

Tommy's dead... oh look at his little paws, cute little kitty

If you have seen that movie at that point you had an overpowering sense of relief. Fuck Kevin Mc Kidd and fuck his character, I don’t care he died of the aides alone in his one room apartment, because the kitten was alright. I’m guessing you were all the same as well, for that moment you weren’t at a funeral you were at home on your couch safe in the knowledge that, the kitten you saw on screen for about thirteen seconds, a character in a movie was alive and well.

Why don’t you care about Kevin Mc Kidd? You bastards, what did he ever do to you?! Like I said I was the same, so don’t worry. It’s similar to that scene in American psycho. Christian Bale is wandering down the street looking sharp as usual, he takes a shortcut up an alley way and decides to kill a homo. So he’s ‘sticking’ this homeless vagrant… what, oh right sorry hobo. Cheap jokes aside he’s killing this bum basically because he can.

Whilst watching this I don’t even flinch, its violent and visceral, and all the usual stuff but it gets nothing from me. Being the sick freak I am I may have even cheered him on, “go Christian, make that guy your alleyway bitch’ or something to that effect. But then after dispatching of the gay homeless man, this homomobo, Christian lays the boot into his dog, his homodomobo… or whatever.

Huey made him do it

And that was too much, the yelp of the dog sent me packing, even more than that scene of him killing that dude while Huey Lewis is playing. And that’s saying something kids, as Huey Lewis as almost caused my death on no less than 7 separate occasions. ‘Oh Christian that’s to far’ I said, he didn’t respond what with being a character in a movie playing on TV. Kicking the pooch was stepping over the line. But why, why are animals the so out of bounds, don’t get me wrong I’m glad they are.

But I’ve seen Jack Russel Terriers come through Volcanos without a scratch while those around them burn alive in lava. And what makes some animals different from others, I’m sure Jaws was once as cute as Babe. I’m sure at some stage Mothra, or Biollante were as cuddly as a new born kitten, without the inconvenience of being choking hazards… what to far?

Coming from someone that shoots people in the face regularly whilst yelling ‘headshot bitch’, it may come as a surprise but it’s still a shock animals in movies are put into any danger. I always find myself wondering how many chickens have died because they didn’t clearout in time when in scenes when cars drive through Mexican villages. We know the movies are fake, we know that whatever happens in them isn’t real, but why can we deal with the death of a human character over that of an animal? is a big fan of Gamera

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Saturday Serial

Part 01 is here Part 06 is here Part 11 is here Part 16 is here Part 21 is here
Part 02 is here Part 07 is here Part 12 is here Part 17 is here
Part 03 is here Part 08 is here Part 13 is here Part 18 is here
Part 04 is here Part 09 is here Part 14 is here Part 19 is here
Part 05 is here Part 10 is here Part 15 is here Part 20 is here

Part 22
As we rejoin our tale of communist tyranny the General is taken away fro a quiet word with Special Agent Chip Buckworth. They walk a while till they find a suitable spot for an in depth secret conversation about stuff… probably patriotic and terrible brave as well. Let’s see if we can listen in.

“So its itchy and red… put it still works fine” Special Agent Chip Buckworth says. Let’s just give them some more time to get back to the story… Meanwhile let’s go look at Billy, still small young and encrusted in poo, he stands at the back of the tank watching over mom as she panders over Scruffs. Dad, sits at the front of the tank smoking his fighting pipe, and giving some guardsmen a damn good talking to about the lacklustre shine in their boots.

“You know in my day you would have been court martialled and shot… look at yours son, theyaren’t even boots you’ve just painted your feet black” Dad says taking a few puffs from his pipe.

“Yes sir, I know” answers the guardsmen with black feet.

“How do you young men propose to defend your country with dull life less boots? It’s just appalling, you know in my day, my General would have taken you out the back of the barracks and whipped you with an extension cord. Of course that was always illegal, but it never stopped him, he’d be their in his black leather chaps and he’d just go to town on us… ‘how do you expect to fight the enemy when your boots aren’t shiny’ he’d say, ‘how to you expect to survive when you don’t uphold even the most pointless parts of uniform regulation’ he’d say after that. Of course after that he’d always make these moaning noises while whipping us” Dad says as he drifts off into memory and recollection of the good old days.

Back at the General and Special Agent Chip Buckworth, they still talk.

“Talcum powder then… hmm ok, well that’s not why I’m here” Special Agent Chip Buckworth says

“Is it about the men complaining about the Heathen gods?” The General asks.

“No, it’s about the Giant communist invaders”

“Oh, you’ve seen them, yes it’s quite worrying isn’t it.” The General replies

“You should see the size of this cock” Comes a scream of excitement from one of the scientists pawing over the giant soldier. Special Agent Chip Buckworth stops in his tracks and pauses for a second

“Ok I have to see it” He says finally

“Yeah me to” agrees the General and the two run over to the fallen giant soldier to get a look at the massive rooster pecking at the lifeless flaccid soldiers penis.

“Incredible” Says the General as he ponders what type of reward he would get for sacrificing a rooster that big to the gods.

“General I’d like you to meet the government’s top scientist, this is Dr Swiss Multi-Vitamin” Special Agent Chip Buckworth announces as he gestures towards the man in the white coat laying fists into the crotch of the giant communist soldier. He stops and then turns to the General.

“Fascinating, simply fascinating… Ah hello General you may call me Doc.” The Doc says as he wanders over to the General, what is the Docs plan, will it involve tanks, is the big rooster going to be alright, tune in next week to find out.

Ever wanted to pretend to be a giant communist invader, fancy a brand new hat, got some disposable income then check this out! Brand new to The Discreet Store is the BRAND NEW, ‘Attack of the 80 foot Communist military cap’, impress your friends, suppress Democracy, look fashionable, it’s all possible with this brand new item. But while your there make sure you check out the rest of the ultra fashionable items, such as shirts, aprons, clocks and assorted other crap. always has shiny boots, you can't kill someone without shiny boots

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Sphinctorial Response: Stop wailing about it!

Ok so this one might be a little controversial kids, I may annoy some of you here. But that’s free speech kids isn’t it, the fact that you have to put up with the crazed whinging of every internet loser out there. So what is it today, what does that cryptic clue of a post title inform you about today. Well for those clever little dickens its about wailing… oh sorry no its not about that last remaining remanent of the temple (little biblical humor, yes, no, okay then). It’s about whaling.

I don't know how they do it without harpoons

You know the big dolphin things that certain people like to hunt and other people like to save. Willy, Flipper and all that aquatic crap. Firstly let me say this, I like whales and we should save them, definitely. Not because they are beautiful gentle creatures and all that crap but because they are a necessary but to the ecosystem of the ocean and the planet as a whole. Yes that’s right kids I don’t give a shit if Flipper can count to 5 and learn eighty different commands. That fish thing is important to my survival and that’s all that I care about.

So its really quite self serving why I want them saved, but in the end if they are saved then who cares right. Not me. The whole planet is a delicate ecosystem, food chains and life cycles all kind of developing around and depending on each other. Remove dung beetles and the lions in Africa die, kill all the whales and the sea is choked with Krill, god damn you Krill, and then humans die a slow and painful death at the hands of the Mole People.

Whale!!! (You know one day I'm going to have to try and discover why I'm fascinated by the thought of mole people, and Richard Nixon)

Not to sure of that logic kids well let me explain, Krill live in the sea and eat oxygen. Whales eat Krill keeping their levels down, Mole people are scared of whales, without whales the Mole people rise. And then overtake the capital of the world Wagga Wagga. Or so the guide book tells us… anyway that’s all lies, but whales are important to the ecosystem and should be saved.

Whether that’s through just taking care of the environment, or stopping whaling… for now. And those two words are why most of you will probably be pissed off. ‘For now’. Two tiny little words that encompass the hate of the world. You see because I’ve realised something, if you eat meat then you have no right to tell people what meat they can and can’t eat. So the Japanese and the Norwegians want to eat whale. I have no problem with that as long as they can sustainably do so.

I love meat, cow, pig, sheep, chicken, hell I’ll even eat our national symbol, kangaroo, emu, whatever! Because that’s what being at the top of the food chain is all about, being able to look down on other species with a healthy distain and a bottle of barbaque sauce. Do you think the Hindu’s are jazzed about us chowing down on cow do our hearts content. Do you think people in Asia understand why we don’t eat dog.

Personally neither are on my menu

It’s hard not to be hypocritical so I’m just going to be, I’m never going to eat some things, whale included. But to value a whale over a cow because it’s more intelligent or prettier is just wrong. Don’t eat them because there aren’t many left and they are important. But you have no right to place a whale above a cow, a chicken or a monkey… hmmm monkey. Hell to be honest whales are probably better for the environment than cows are, maybe we should be letting the cows go extinct, and inventing some way to farm Minkies.

Hmmm, maybe we could call it sea ham

Ever wonder why cow is called beef once you’re eating it, why pig becomes pork, why sheep becomes lamb… ok so that one doesn’t work. But it puts distance between you and the fact that this was once a living breathing creature hidden under your garlic butter. Maybe whale just needs that as well to be come acceptable, ideas in the comments thread kids.

Once the whales are saved, if they are, you have no choice but to let them be hunted, unless you want to give up beef, chicken, or the other white meat. You may not like it but thems the cards you have to be dealt. Of course you can just keep on living like this, ‘It’s not hypocritical if it’s something you care about!’. only eats Aardvark, seriously it taste just like chicken...

Monday, November 03, 2008

It's a motion picture: Dragon Ball: The Magic Begins

Welcome back kids, to this slice of modern stupidity. I trust you’re all well, no, well that’s your problem kids I can’t be worrying myself with the problems of everyone now can I. Can I? Little history lesson kids, years ago in ancient China, long before they hosted the Olympics. They did ancient stuff, created their own religions, myths, cultures, blah, blah, blah all very exciting. But like Mao Zedong, were not interested in that, well not most of it.

There has long been rumour that Hollywood will screw with one of my favourite childhood memories and make a live action movie from ‘Dragon Ball Z’, an animated series based on the Monkey King from several Asian traditions. I dread that day, I really do. But I’m guessing some people don’t know that a live action movie already exists, and oh shit what a coincidence that’s why we are here today, that introduction wasn’t for nothing after all.

‘Dragon Ball: The Magic Begins’ is a film, in the same terms that having a man brush against your arse could be classed as being homosexual sex. It’s not really the same thing, but if you were present for both depending on the right circumstances, crying rape in either scenario probably wouldn’t be completely uncalled for. Let’s start with the exposition.

Hello we'd like to talk to you about the plot

To say it’s a little obvious would be an insult to the word obvious. Now maybe it was just the dubbed version I was watching but I can’t really imagine that would make up for all of it. There is a scene a few minutes in were the bad guy stands in front of the camera and just tells you the story. There is an effortless way good films weave stories into themselves, this isn’t one of them. He might as well break the fourth wall and just say this, ‘Alright I’m the bad dude I’m after these ball things that will give me a special wish which I’ll use for evil, or pancakes or something’. If I was going to use a word to describe the exposition, in any of the scenes, I wouldn’t. I’d punch you in the face, it’s really that blunt.

Then we meet main character, anyone that’s seen ‘Dragon Ball’ knows that ‘Goku’, is a boy. Or at least I remember it being a boy, these guys seem to have either cast a girl, or just a man with the most luscious eye lashes in the world. And it seems the people dubbing the film had trouble telling as well as I swear I can remember hearing it called both boy and girl. But it’s not ‘Goku’ its ‘Monkey Boy’. The kid lives his entire life being referred to as ‘Monkey Boy’. I know he grew up in the wilderness and wouldn’t know any better, but his grandpa would of… what’s wrong with Joe?

Monkey... Boy?

So Monkey Boy is out strolling in the wilderness after catching a talking crocodile to eat (kids I’m not even going to go there). When from out of nowhere comes Psycho Hose Beast (not her actual name) driving her jeep. I hate to ruin movies kids but I have to do this, here is a complete run down of the scene. She hits Monkey Boy in the jeep after screaming ‘get out of the way’… no attempt to stop. Monkey boy, being super strong though just starts pushing it backwards, so not only does she not care that she just hit someone, she then pulls out a machine gun and shoots him.

And people say human kindness is dead. No shit that’s how the scene goes. She is so insulted that he survived, she decides not to see if he’s alright, but to shoot him. And almost straight away we move into ‘hahahaha rapists’. Children, dear children without a doubt the weirdest phrase ever put to celluloid. So after Monkey boy explaining to Psycho Hose Beast about his grandpas brilliant sex-ed lessons, ‘girls have larger chests’. He wants to see her chest, just to see if its ‘bigger’… that’s the excuse I use to kids in case you’re wondering. And then we get this

Psycho Hose Beast: Hey, you can't touch me!
Monkey Boy: My grandpa said that too; he said a boy mustn't touch a girl. He said that those who do are called...
Both: Hahahaha Rapists!

At which point I really considered punching my self for thinking it was going to be a good idea to watch this film. If I did that though I was definitely going to have to stab myself to top it for what comes later. ‘Black Pigsy’. If Charles Manson and Satan had a love child, Black Pigsy would be the guy that kidnapped and molested that child in his basement. You’re wondering why I’m calling him Black Pigsy, well he’s Pigsy from Monkey Magic, but he’s black, and a rapist. Ok so I guess he’s based off Oolong the magician pig thing from Dragon Ball.

See Black Pigsy...

But he’s still most definitely a sexual deviant, like most of the male characters in the film, it’s really uncomfortable to watch. The fact that’s it all taken so lightly as well doesn’t make it any better. There’s the whole scenario later when the ‘Turtle Master’ wont help them out unless Psycho Hose Beast shows him her tits. And when he finally does see them through the old switcheroo with shape shifting Black Pigsy, he goes bat shit crazy and faints. And speaking of pervs there’s Westward and his premature ejaculation problems.

Ah... suggested full frontal nudity in a childrens movie...

Every time Hose Beast touches him he runs off, or goes crazy, in a performance that can only warrant the descriptor ‘ejaculatory’. There are so many just ridiculous question raised in the film as well, Hose Beast asking if Monkey Boy misses his grandpa, around five minutes after they discover he is quite possibly dead. Westward asking the guy with the turtle shell on his back, if he knows where the Turtle Master is. It’s really just pure magic kids.

So to finish up, in a movie where at fifty two minutes I yelled ‘someone shoot that fucking cockatoo’, and the best defence from attack was standing behind the person being attacked, in a large group. I have to say I learnt quite a lot, maybe Hollywood doing a movie of Dragon Ball wouldn’t be the worst thing, Black Pigsy needs to be chemically castrated ASAP, well two things. Out of ten I’d tell this movie it needs to lose some weight and see a psychologist about its obvious sexual deviancy problems. is the Turtle Master stupid!

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Saturday Serial

Part 01 is here Part 06 is here Part 11 is here Part 16 is here
Part 02 is here Part 07 is here Part 12 is here Part 17 is here
Part 03 is here Part 08 is here Part 13 is here Part 18 is here
Part 04 is here Part 09 is here Part 14 is here Part 19 is here
Part 05 is here Part 10 is here Part 15 is here Part 20 is here

Part 21
We slide back into the extreme excitement of out story as Dad, Archie, mom and Scruffs all sit atop a tank rolling down the city streets of their once quiet home town. Oh yeah Billy is there somewhere as well though he still smells of poo. He runs behind the armada of tanks puffing and panting like an unfit socialist pig.

“Please mum, can I come on board?” He pleads, the only response though is a rather dirty look from his Dad

“What did you say? mum? Are we Australian or British all of a sudden… do I look like a god dam heathen? Is your mother a kangaroo?” Dad screams angrily, his arms flailing about wildly as he stabs holes in the air as he points madly at Billy who still runs behind the tank.

“I’m sorry Dad, I’m sorry mom, I didn’t mean to call you a kangaroo” Billy moans as he jogs to keep up. mom looks at him forgivingly and goes back to hugging Scruffs. At the front of the line of tanks with the 8mm canon poking through his legs like a giant phallus, stands the General. He stands proudly with his head dress on the blood of chickens covering his face ready for battle.

Suddenly in the crossroads ahead they see what they have been waiting for, two of the giant soldiers stand kicking a car back and forth into the houses on either side of the street. The general turns his head to the gunner in the tank

“Alright commander just as we practised it” the General says

“Yes sir, fire when you thrust your pelvis forward” The tank commander responds. The General digs deep and moves his ass backwards, then with an almighty thrust pushes it forward like Zeus shagging a coconut. As he reaches the pinnacle of his motion the canon fires, sending a shell roaring through the air. It collides and explodes on the soldier to the left sending him reeling backwards. The soldier on the right stares down the General before kicking the mangled car in the direction of the Guardsmen.

He then takes off over the houses and trees back into the night speeding to get reinforcements.

“Forward!” The General screams the smoking canon still between his legs, he strokes it proudly for a moment before “Ohh that’s hot… nice work commander, we did that with style, and that’s the most important thing… style!”

“Yes sir… shall I tell the rest of the men to turn on the music?” The commander asks back.

“Sure why not… let’s go track eight” The General responds. From behind them a car and a flatbed truck speed up to the Generals position. From it step some men in either white coats or dark suits. The men in the suits walk to the General while the men in white scramble over to the felled soldier and start nattering excitedly.

“Special Agent Chip Buckworth General” the man in the dark suit says

“Nice to meet you Special Agent Chip Buckworth General, I’m the General”

“No it’s just Special Agent Chip Buckworth”

“Ah… what can I do for you?” Asks the General

What can the General do for Special Agent Chip Buckworth, will it be something important to the story, probably! Tune in next week to find out!

Ever wanted to pretend to be a giant communist invader, fancy a brand new hat, got some disposable income then check this out! Brand new to The Discreet Store is the BRAND NEW, ‘Attack of the 80 foot Communist military cap’, impress your friends, suppress Democracy, look fashionable, it’s all possible with this brand new item. But while your there make sure you check out the rest of the ultra fashionable items, such as shirts, aprons, clocks and assorted other crap. is all about the style... and don't you forget it!