Thursday, January 29, 2009

As Seen on TV: Mr T, and the giant peach? I don't know, its hot give me a break...

No editorial this week… 'oh why' you whine… ok so you’re not, but I just don’t want to anymore. It was so much effort coming up with topics that I cared enough about to form an opinion on. Thinking is just too much effort, so I’m going to leave it up to the rest of you. Yeah the Sphinctorial Response will make a return, but from now on I’m just going to slip it in lazily like a porn star on a tryptophan binge whenever I come up with a decent idea.

So what now, what to replace it this week, ah something I haven’t done in a while. Kick off those heels kids put your feet up and get ready to plough through the filing cabinet, its ‘As seen on TV’ time.

I still find myself drawn to late night viewing; it’s like poison and crack at the same time, only one of those things being bad for you kids. It’s so addictive and horrible at the same time. You’re sitting there making fun of the people that buy this crap then all of a sudden the thought enters your head, ‘hey that does sound useful though’. That’s how it starts, the sickness. Next thing you realise you’re lying in your lounge room working the shit out of your abs because Gilbert Gottfried was so ripped in that advertorial, you just couldn’t resist.

Mr T is selling an oven… I wish I was making that up. Mr T was hardly Shakespearean in his efforts as an actor/personality/singer/motivational speaker/whatever, but really. He’s that desperate for work that he’s sunken to flogging the flavour saver waver thing with the cooking whatever on the scum box. I have to wonder what the fuck was going through the company’s head as well when deciding who to get to help flog this really special item.

At what point is it decided that Mr T, is going to be the best person to market this piece of equipment. Is it some time after they decided they need someone who’s fifty something years old at least, but still rocking that same Mohawk. Is it about the same time someone has come off a crack binge. Was there any logic between the product, convection oven dealy… and the sales man, Mr T.? I don’t think there are really many things Mr T could sell me, airsick pills, maybe. Gold, maybe if I’m desperate and can’t find a jeweller, but for the sake of oven roasted Jehovah, I would never buy anything food related from Mr T.

Hey if I squint now... holy crap, is that Lucille Ball

What did Mr T do anyway, yes he was in the A team and he smashed Sly in the face a lot in Rocky III. But what did he do in the realms of culinary advancement that would make me impressed he’s selling this. If I squint really hard and mute the TV maybe I can make him look like George Foreman.

There is only one thing that makes me confused more than poorly selected celebrity endorsements. And that’s when they tell me that Gary the nice man on the Colgate advert is a sales manager. Or that Lisa owner of the border collie being wormed is a dental hygienist. Why the fuck would I care the guy trying to sell me Colgate tooth paste is a sales manager. Maybe you should go further, tell me what he wears to bed, what side he dresses to. What his mother cooks for dinner.

What the fuck difference does it make what thees people do or are they just trying to really corner a niche market with these adverts. Just once let’s be honest please.

You know I did the google search for the word 'Trevor', and when that came up I said to myself I said 'self you can't use that, thats just going the cheap road'. Then I realised who I was and remembered that cheap is good.

This is Trevor; he’s an actor, not a very good one, that’s why he’s advertising human ring worm vaccine. He can’t even act an itchy arse very well… oh well, just pretend he’s a school teacher lie we told you. Maybe he picked up worms from your child, what’s wrong with you letting your child get worms in today’s world; maybe you should stop judging Trevor and start making sure your child isn’t eating animal scat! would like to know if you've washed your hands recently...


  1. that's some mullet on the mugshot

  2. NurseMyra- Its got a life of its own if you ask me. I swear it winked at me before...

  3. ‘hey that does sound useful though’.

    heheh...made me laugh, because I've been through that exact same train of thought.

    "What couldn't I do with 2000 suction cup hook thingies??? Man, the possibilities..."

  4. CanadianFermentation- Exactly, its sad but you find yoursef thinking, hey ten minutes three times a week... and look at the results!

  5. I heer it's mad hot thare at the moment. Too hot fer Bears! My arnty livs neer Adelaide, an sez she is sleepin in the fridge.

  6. Bob- Yep, its a sunny 40 something celcius and looks to be that for a while... so I'm going to try and freeze myself for a few weeks or months till it passes.

  7. I'd keep Trevor away from small children if at all possible.

    Just a hunch.

  8. Chris C- Believe it or not, thats actually a mugshot... so you may be right.


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