Thursday, April 30, 2009

Talk to Liam: The Tree...

Tony: “[walks to phone, yawns] Hello”
Liam: “Hello Tony”
Tony: “Oh, what do you want Liam? It’s three in the morning”
Liam: “Actually its closer to four”
Tony: “Great… that still doesn’t explain the phone call”
Liam: “I need some help”
Tony: “It’s not the spider again is it?”
Liam: “No, were friends now, he… he seems to be… oh never mind about that, I really could use some assistance”
Tony: “Right now, you need help right now?”
Liam: “Yes… it’s quite cold outside and I’m feeling a little faint”
Tony: “You’re outside, why are you outside [walks into kitchen]”
Liam: “It’s hard to explain… oh, turn around Tony”
Tony: “[turns around looks out window] Oh for fucks sake, what are you doing hanging in my tree”
Liam: “Look its really getting cold, and I really need to go to the bathroom”

Tony: “Fine, what a minute [disappears to get shoes and dressing gown], alright I’m coming out”
Liam: “Ok… I’ll see you then [hangs up]”
Tony: “Yeah, looking forward to it”

Tony: “[opens back door and walks out into the cold snowy night] Ok… what are you doing hanging upside down in my tree”
Liam: “[swings very slightly back and forward] Now I’ll tell you, but do you really want to know?”
Tony: “[thinks for a second] No not really, how long have you been up there?”
Liam: “Ooooh… it was four o’clock, so that’s… since Tuesday”
Tony: “Five days… you’ve been hanging in my tree for five days?”
Liam: “Yeah that’s about right”
Tony: “Wait I was out here on Thursday and you weren’t here”
Liam: “Oh I was up in the tree, but well…”
Tony: “Well what?”
Liam: “I was eating a snickers bar before, and a squirrel scared me”
Tony: “[under breathe] oh fuck me”
Liam: “Then I kind of slipped in my harness and fell.”
Tony: “Ok, no… I have to know why are you in my tree? [rubs eyes]”
Liam: “Well on Tuesday I just had an urge to climb, and this is the best tree in the neighbourhood”
Tony: “[sarcastic tone] Well of course we all just feel the need to climb sometimes”
Liam: “And then after that…”
Tony: “Yes? After that?”
Liam: “Promise you won’t get mad”
Tony: “No”
Liam: “Well alright then, after that [leans in close to Tony’s face]… I thought I found Narnia”
Tony: “I have to move…”
Liam: “It wasn’t though…”
Tony: “Oh really… Narnia isn’t in my tree… good to know”

Liam: “Any chance you can cut me down soon, you know nature calls”
Tony: “Yeah… wait if you’ve been up there the whole five days how have you been, you didn’t… not on my lawn”
Liam: “What, oh no, I had a bucket for that, and I always use a catheter for number one”
Tony: “[speaking sobbingly] Will you remove your bucket of poo from my tree soon?”
Liam: “Well I’m busy for the next few weeks but I’ll definitely put it in my diary.”
Tony: “Thank you [cutting rope]”
Liam: “[rope snaps] Ohhhh!, [lands on head] thanks buddy… well I wish I could stick around but… [runs into the snowy night]”
Tony: “Definitely moving…” uses a bucket, but only because it lives in a cave...


  1. Tony: “It’s not the spider again is it?”
    Liam: “No, were friends now..."

    That had me on the floor laughing.

  2. alantru- I'd forgotten I had this one up my sleeve till the day before yesturday. And then I realised I hadn't posted the spider post either, once I'd posted this one.

  3. Narnia is in my utility room. but I kinda wish I had a bucket for my poop in there; most of the time I clog up the dryer filter.

  4. Beau Horner- One should always have a bucket for ones poop, they teach you that in the scouts don't they?

    Thanks for the visit!

  5. Narnia isn't in India. It IS India. Elephants roam free and monkeys run around stealing people's lunches. And their president is a lion.

  6. Renalfailure- He's a lousy president though

  7. For some reason I think Liam landing on his head probably had no effect on..well...anything, particularly his sense of reality.

    That's why I like Liam.

  8. canadianfermentation- Yes I doubt a concussion is going to effect him much.


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