Monday, October 19, 2009

As Seen on TV: What did you do? part two...


Part one

And then there is the other one, some stain remover. Who knows they are all the same. So two little dipshits play in the kitchen enjoying the ambiance, the smell, and a healthy dose of dubbed soundtrack. They are about to eat lunch, maybe tea, its light out so maybe the are heavily religious. Because as we all know its one of the key hallmarks of the satanic traditions to eat tea at four o'clock in the afternoon.

“Hey watch me I can flip the pizza like the people in the shop”, Oh can you? Oh snap cunt, no you can't, stained pants. Nightmare. I imagine every women reading this is now in the fetal position on the floor, slowly coming to grips with the huge dimensions of what this kids poor mother will have to deal with. And in she walks.

She takes one look at the kids pants, covered in pizza sauce, one look at the pizza on the floor, another look at the kid, then produces a large belt from behind her back. She then goes about whipping the kid a new color for the next few minutes whilst yelling at him about wasting food, starving Norwegian orphans, and how they are going to have to eat tofu for tea again tonight. At least that's where I always go when I see the advert.

How it actually happens is she bends down and says 'oh no, a stain', because shes a women and like I said last week, apparently women care about only a few things, stains how their house smells, and the sanitary condition of their cervix. Yep that's right don't punish the child, don't even dare look disappointed. Just fret on the fact that your impossibly white clothes have come to resemble your once perfect neighborhood, all white apart from that one bit down the end... Oh come on its one step away, I can make that link if I want to.

And of course in steps the obligatory stranger in the logo emblazoned shirt. The one that apparently lives in every single home just waiting for a stain emergency to appear. And snap problem solved, your perfect white power dream is now back to reality, if only the Chans could be dealt with as easily. The little freak wasted an entire pizza... and all she cares about is the stain. I'll ask the question again. Women, what the hell does the advertising industry think of you?



But it continues, the pizza is now gone, placed in the bin or hurled over the fence probably. And the mother asks 'well whats for tea'. Greasy chips... greasy chips, he says. Greasy chips means stains, but don't worry mum, don't fret your pretty little head, your pretty little anal retentive as a Swedish arse festival head. And anyway, stains from chips... really? What the hell are you doing with them? Granted chips can be fairly erotic, but when rubbing the sensuously all over ones person you're usually naked!

I'm out, catch you Thursday peeps...

19 comments:

  1. i prefer your version of events. when my kids were young, there was no such thing as white clothes. i had the worlds first "goth toddlers". how stupid is it to dress a dirt catcher in light clothing?

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  2. Daisyfae- If I ever have kids, I'm just going to scotchguard them, so much easier

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  3. Nah, to save time, just drown 'em at birth..

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  4. Shrinky- Harsh... but if you say so.

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  5. Do people really have white clothes?

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  6. Hey...what happened to you?

    ReplyDelete
  7. I see you got spammed...

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  8. Happy new year Alex, hope it's a good 'un!

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