Thursday, February 26, 2009

Adventures in the Public Domain: The Cat and Leroy

This week on The Cat and Leroy, coffins, ferrets and bad memories!

Page three

To see page one and two simply click the 'The Cat and Leroy' label.

The comics this spoof is based on is believed by the author of this blog to be public domain, if they are not then apologies and they will be removed post haste upon notification. has bad memories, it had a rough childhood...

Monday, February 23, 2009

It's a motion picture: Cyborg Cop

You ever wonder how they name movies kids, like who sits down and thinks up the brilliant titles for all of Hollywood’s fantastic pictures. I don’t really, but let’s continue down this road anyway, The Departed, No Country for Old Men, Tron all ingeniously titled to encapsulate the story, yet not give it away before you have seen the movie. Well there’s another school of thought to naming pictures kids. A more obvious one, and by obvious I mean obvious on the scale of saying ‘you’ve got a little something on your face’, then leaning over and licking it off the person.

The type of school of thought that would have had ‘Jaws’ called ‘Big fuck off fish, Richard Dreyfuss, and that dude from Sea-quest DSV’. Not as poetic or effective as ‘Jaws’ is it. And that brings us to the movie I’m about to talk about. This movie is steadfast in the second school of thought for naming a film. What would you say a movie called ‘Cyborg Cop’ is about? Have a guess… go on. Was your guess, it is the love story of a boy and a girl growing up to found out that they are in fact Amoebas?

David Bradley, whom you may recognise as the second American Ninja, plays a character called Jack Ryan. I doubt this is anything to do with Tom Clancy, but maybe this happened in between Harrison Ford and Ben Affleck. They should have just called the character ‘Jack McPatriot Bitch’ and been done with it, would have been slightly less macho and patriotic. David plays the brother of a cop that goes missing on a secret mission to some mystery Caribbean Island Nation.

I think there leaving someone out...

Something which COMPLETELY surprised me, because only ten minutes before that, the two have a conversation about David looking after the brothers adopted son, should anything happen to him on this dangerous highly secret mission. And from there the movie really just lets you take the lead and tell it where to go. Film making this predictable must take real talent, it’s so predictable it’s almost interactive. For example after the secret mission goes balls up, he (McPatriot Bitch) gets into a fight with his ex commanding officer, who surprise, surprise, turns out to be a traitor. The traitor also wears very, very tight jeans, maybe the two things are connected.

Somewhere along the line ‘Jack McPatriot Bitch’ runs into a journalist. And she just happens to work for the media baron that got him fired from his old job as a DEA agent. Now I don’t want to show off, but I believe my immediate comment was ‘oh McPatriot is going to tap that ass’, when I’m tired I speak gangsta. Believe it or not, I was right, after a love hate relationship between the two, which went like this, hate, hate, hate, mild arousal, rooting. All of a sudden they is in love and doing the horizontal pokey in a manner I found most arousing. Normally in movies when people have sex, the showing of breasts is just a supplementary thing.

This movie however took more than a special interest in the boobies, as it got a long lingering shot of them as she took her top off. Not so much a sex scene to develop the plot line of the love between the characters, more just an excuse for David Bradley to motorboat some ta ta’s… some really nice ta tas. But still, just some gratuitous shots of boobs, in lieu of McPatriot kicking some guy in the head.

I have to wonder why he agreed to do this movie...

Now the bad guy… where to start. Kessel, played by John Rhys-Davies, is Welsh? And seems to have certain homosexual tendencies when it comes to decorating his secret lair. It’s the only technically advanced research facility I’ve seen with pink mood lighting. Why Kessel likes creating cyborg super soldiers is never explained but I’d lie to think it has something to do with his latent homosexuality. Is latent the right word, I don’t know if it’s really explosive, dormant might be better. Yes that’s it, his gayness is like his lair, pink and semi-hidden. Either way he makes cyborgs.

So of course when McPatriot’s highly trained brother comes along on his secretive Caribbean mission, Kessel has the perfect opportunity to make the perfect cyborg soldier from him. Because we all know the best weapon possible, is ‘a’ singular soldier, that can at best ‘lumber’, and have no chance of being able to remain inconspicuous in a crowd of people because of its appearance. Which can only be described as being somewhere on the freak scale between Data from Star Trek and Pee Wee Herman, yet somehow incorporating more hair product and being pastier than both… the perfect weapon!

I wont ruin the golden ending… ah shit yes I will, the cyborg brother of McPatriot rebels against Kessel, and then the other Cyborg kills him. Then McPatriot decapitates that Cyborg with a motorbike… no shit a motorbike, its awesome, on a scale of one to ten measuring awesome, it’s a tits on bread… well worth watching if you enjoy that feeling of knowing exactly where a movie is going to go, which now of course you do because I just told you everything that happens. Out of ten I’d give it a high five for setting back feminist cinema twenty years, and then hope I get to see the sequel! has latent heterosexuality...

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Copyright infringement: HeMan and Grizzlor

HeMan: “So, Grizzlor, I have a question…”
Grizzlor: “Yeah… what do you want to know?”
HeMan: “It’s just a little embarrassing man, you know it’s kind of private”
Grizzlor: “Its ok dude I’m open about stuff”
HeMan: “How long have we known each other?”
Grizzlor: “Whoa it’s a while, quite a while”
HeMan: “Well here goes… I wan…”
Grizzlor: “I think I know where this is going”
HeMan: “You do?”
Grizzlor: “Yeah I’m pretty sure”
HeMan: “Well what’s the answer?”
Grizzlor: “Yeah… I’m naked”
HeMan: “Ohhh what!... What the hell dude that’s not what I wanted to know”
Grizzlor: “Its not?”

HeMan: “No dude… jesus, you’re naked… how longs that been going on?”
Grizzlor: “Well like forever man, as long as I’ve been alive”
HeMan: “Oh dude, what the hell that’s just sick, does everyone else know about it”
Grizzlor: “I don’t know, you’d have to ask them”
HeMan: “Whoa, that’s just… not even underwear?”
Grizzlor: “No dude, all natural baby”
HeMan: “What are you a man or an animal”
Grizzlor: “Well… kind of both”
HeMan: “Come man that’s what being a person is all about, social conscience and wearing underwear”
Grizzlor: “That’s the difference between man and beast, the development of underwear?”
HeMan: “Well underdaks are pretty great if you ask me”
Grizzlor: “Oh sure, yeah, I just never felt the need for them, you know with all the fur and stuff”
HeMan: “I just wish you hand of told me earlier, like years ago”

Grizzlor: “Why would you have not been friends with me?”
HeMan: “No it’s not that. It just would have made things different, I might not have hugged you so much”
Grizzlor: “Well what’s the difference, look at you you’ve only got on a loin cloth and a sword?”
HeMan: “Yeah but?”
Grizzlor: “And the amount of times me and Man At Arms have copped a load of your flies eyes is incalculable”
HeMan: “Yeah but…”
Grizzlor: “Look I can see it now!”
HeMan: “Well at least I try to conceal it”
Grizzlor: “Hey there little fella, how are you today, ‘a little breezy Grizzlor’ oh that’s no good little buddy”
HeMan: “Oh shut up”

HeMans phone rings.

HeMan: “Hello… oh hey Man, it’s Man At Arms…”
Grizzlor: “Hey Man… put him on speaker”
HeMan: “I’m going to put you on speaker… Mat At Arms!”
Man At Arms: “Haha wassup homies?”
HeMan: “Grizzlor’s naked”
MAA: “Hahahaha, what for?”
HeMan: “No I mean like all the time”
MAA: “……”
Grizzlor: “How could neither of you know this?”
MAA: “Not even undies?”
HeMan: “No he’s like totally animal Man… nothing”
MAA: “Oh well”
Grizzlor: “Ha! Thank you Man At Arms”
HeMan: “Dude, are you serious you don’t care about this?”
MAA: “Oh come on dude I see your junk about 500 times a day indirectly, I’ve never once seen Grizzlors dong”
HeMan: “Oh come on…”
MAA: “Maybe you shouldn’t wear such loose fitting things then”
Grizzlor: “Exactly, cover that thing up”
HeMan: “Well this isn’t were I thought this conversation would go” always knew... thats why they hung out so much...

Monday, February 16, 2009

Adventures in the Public Domain: The Cat and Leroy

Ok kids something new for you, click the links and enjoy, there will be more in this thrilling story. If the images are to small simply download them and make them bigger using any graphics program.

Page one
Page two

The comics this spoof is based on is believed by the author of this blog to be public domain, if they are not then apologies and they will be removed post haste upon notification. hopes angry peeps don't sue!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Saturday Serial

Part 01 is here Part 06 is here Part 11 is here Part 16 is here Part 21 is here Part 26 is here
Part 02 is here Part 07 is here Part 12 is here Part 17 is here Part 22 is here Part 27 is here
Part 03 is here Part 08 is here Part 13 is here Part 18 is here Part 23 is here Part 28 is here
Part 04 is here Part 09 is here Part 14 is here Part 19 is here Part 24 is here Part 29 is here
Part 05 is here Part 10 is here Part 15 is here Part 20 is here Part 25 is here

We rejoin our story with a question, did we really have to wait two weeks for this, and will it be worth it… well maybe but don’t get your hopes up. Deep in the centre of town surrounded by fire and ash and the remains of a giant waffle cone, the leader of the pack of giant communists stands atop the ice creamery imposing himself on a larger sundae spoon. He beams with pride as his remaining soldiers gorge themselves on destruction and chaos, smashing everything in sight as the continue the well built American comfort of asbestos lined suburban buildings, good old fashioned American asbestos.

Meanwhile back with the National Guardsmen Dad prepares himself for the final battle, placing a helmet on his head and quickly buying a gun from a passing ‘NRA fun van’, he readies himself.

“Dear come over here for a second” Dad says to mom as he loads up his shiny new gun

“Yes dear” mom says quietly as she stumbles over still holding Scruffs aloft and hugging him incessantly

“Where is my dinner its six o’clock?” Dad asks, rightly expecting a meal in front of him.

“Uh… I… when would I have made it?” mom questions poorly, knowing she is wrong in not having prepared a meal for her husband. A wife only has one thing to do each day and that’s to satisfy her husband, but she has failed.

“Oh dear… you know this is the type of thing the Japanese invented sepuku for” Dad says rather disappointed in his wife. “Maybe you should think about that”

“Yes dear” mom says, but she is soon drowned out by the loud whoosh of the giant mallard behind her taking off, piloted by the greatest American hero ever, the President.

“Ok white ranger, let’s get to work” He says triumphantly

“I told you I’m not meant to be here, shut up or we will be sued” The white ranger answers the President, from his position curled up under the pilots chair like a cat. The Duck takes off and flies out over the town cracking through the sky as it breaks the sound barrier.

“Now to find these enemies of freedom, democracy and a privatised health system that could never fulfil the needs of the lower classes… Ducky thing away” The President screams as he soars down through the clouds targeting a giant soldier working on destroying a house. He tilts the controls sideways and the wing on the duck drops, from behind he hits the soldier slicing between his head and his shoulder. The red soldier collapses dead crushing a few houses as he lands, but its collateral damage, and not important in the overall scheme of things.

The President keeps on straight lining up another soldier from behind. He only realises something is wrong when a duck head pokes through his legs split seconds before they are cut off just above the knees. Meanwhile the National Guardsmen, Dad and mom have caught up, and the tanks are firing rampantly at anything giant and socialist. Soon only one giant soldier remains, the tanks line him up but one after the other they empty barrels click as no artillery fires upon him. What a time to run out of ammo, the giant commander stands atop the ice creamery throwing booth seats at the scattering soldiers. Dad stands behind him shaking his head.

“It’s all over… dam you Hoover, I told you this would happen” Dad says before being distracted by a noise behind him, he knows that noise, he turns and looks

“Duck?” Dad says slyly and quietly, in the distance he can see the Presidents giant duck steaming towards him, the President in the cockpit winking knowingly at him. Dad smiles and turns snapping to a pose as the Duck soars over his head with a thunderous roar.

Only feet away from his target though, the giant soldier spins into the Presidents direction and catches the entire duck in the air, holding it aloft. He smiles maniacally and begins to laugh lifting the Duck higher and higher.

“White ranger… we must save this town… there is only one thing left to do, for I know I must sacrifice my life to save this town. That is what the office of President entails, when I took that oath I promised to protect the weak, the impoverished, the stupid and meek. Of course not at the expense of my lobby groups but you get the point. We can’t let on that another form of government might work better than democracy, we simply can’t allow the redistribution of wealth amongst the poorer classes… sharing just isn’t American… this day I take the sacrifice my forefathERRRRRRRRRHHHHSSSS…” The president announces before the white ranger gets sick of waiting hits the cockpit ejection button then gives the president a kick in the right direction.

Dad stands below watching the scene unfold in slow motion, the giant soldier stands holding the Duck aloft laughing preparing to throw it at the nearby homes. Suddenly from the mouth appears the President, spinning slowly in the air, falling gracefully like a man of office would. He falls, and continues to do so straight into the mouth of the giant soldier. He stops… no longer is he laughing, he drops the Duck and it lands with a giant crash, the white power ranger leaping from the cockpit and scurrying away unnoticed. The giant soldier clutches at his throat, he cannot breathe. Deep inside his communist windpipe, lies the President, screaming kicking and punching with everything he can.

“Choke on FREEEEDOM BITCH!” He screams as his and the soldiers’ final breath leave their bodies. The giant soldiers’ body collapses to the ground, lying there lifeless and socialist all at once. Around his body gather the National Guardsmen, Dad, mom, Scruffs and Billy, though Billy still stands some distance away.

“Dad… why did he do it?” Billy asks

“Because he loved us son, and because it was his duty… his duty” Dad says stoically standing atop the soldiers head.

“Alright I’m back what did I miss?” Archie says as he wonders in through the crowd. What did he miss indeed… wonders what the hell he missed as well...

Thursday, February 12, 2009

A special entry: Being original...

So I’ve been thinking, a dangerous prospect I know given my mental condition but anyway I’ve been thinking. And screw it I say, I’m going to be really original and I’m finally going to do one of those Google analytics posts where I see what strange searches people have been doing and finding my site. Huzzah, it’s a mixture of that and I don’t want to use any of my other posts today for some reason. So you know how this works, I list the search phrase and then make some witty or poignant comment about it... I can sense your disappointment already.

This isn't Libby Lenton... I mean no offense Libby but, Stephanie Rice, you can't argue with that.

Libby Lenton Skank.
Ok so I never called Libby Lenton a Skank, never, but for some reason you type in Libby Lenton Skank Google pastes two of my posts together and pops my site up. Yes I did make fun of her intelligence but let’s face it she’s a swimmer, their not known for their intellectual brilliance. Hell look at Michael Phelps one would think someone who’d one eight gold medals, would least make sure he’s not on camera when he sparks up. But no. And apparently people keep searching for the proof that Libby Lenton is indeed a Skank, well kids you’re probably not going to find it here.

Castrate your man
Yeeesh, I really didn’t know I was attracting these people, you know, women. Ha-ha, ok I’m sorry, but really, castrate your man. Yeah I’ve probably said that at least once or twice but really, that’s actually that popular a web search.

Shannon Sturges Left Eye

This is as saucy as they get

Myf Warhurst tits/breasts/baps/mammories/etc
Yeah this one is all my fault, one throw away comment and bam. All of a sudden I’m the Mecca for searches of every ones favourite female disc jockey wearing nothing but a lazy coating of Milo and body glitter. Well those pictures don’t exist people, I’ve searched for them, they aren’t anywhere. Myf is far too respectable for that… dammit.

Vanessa Angel Boob Punch
Yeah nice work Renal Failure, mention that nice little event in my comments and all of a sudden freaks everywhere are coming out of the woodwork to hear the squeaky goodness. I think everyone should blame Renal Failure for at least one thing in their lives.

Yeah I could take him

David Suzuki is a racist/lunatic/various other items
So who would have thought that upon mentioning I could beat David Suzuki in a fight there would be some unwanted outcomes. But apparently there are a few people out there who don’t really like him, and obviously one person that genuinely thinks he was Mr Miyagi.

Helen Coonan Massive tits
I definitely never mentioned that phrase, but now that it’s been brought up, yes, yes she does. One of the female political heavyweights in this country, I have to wonder where the rest of her web search traffic is leading people… hmmm let my try something kids, Julia Gillard, Beaver… we’ll see what that brings up next time.

Frothy Fannies/several other completely tasteless search items
Dear god I’m sensing a theme building here, quick tip kids obviously you can’t say anything, that could even marginally be construed as rude or else some perv will find your sight while they are looking for some of the following; discreet fucking sounds/discreet granny porn/etc etc.

Help me charm the receptionist at work

Mmmmm, Nixon...

How many toes does Richard M Nixon have?
18, shit how would I know, true I’m obsessed with Nixon. But I don’t think I ever mentioned his feet.

Hosebeast level 80
Holy crap how much do you want to play that dungeons and dragons game!

Mysterious toddler limp
Well I hope little Timmy is better now, though I fail to see how I would have helped.

Ros Switzer assorted searches
I mention her twice, and all of a sudden I’m the centre of the Roz universe, and I still can’t decide whether that’s a good thing or not. She’s obviously very popular, would you all like to see more Ros on here?

And that’s it for now, I’m sure when I’m desperate in the next few months you’ll see another one of these, so hold your breathe for that kids… has beaten the level 80 Hosebeast several times...

Monday, February 09, 2009

If I wrote CSI...

Ok so I'm really just continuing my gradual decent into filth and depravity with this one. This one contains some pretty tasteless jokes, so yeah... thats your warning.

Grisham walks into a room blood covers the walls, two bodies lay across the bed with large amounts of gore covering everything…

Grissom: “What have we got?”
Stokes: “Some dude getting his freak on was messed up with that sledge hammer!”
Grissom: “Looks like he really took a pounding”
Both: “hahahhahaha”
Stokes: “Alright, alright now it’s my turn [walks out of room, then comes back]”
Grissom: “Hey Nick, how are you?”
Stokes: “Yeah I’m good, what happened here?”
Grissom: “The vic was having sex when he was attacked from behind”
Stokes: “Maybe he was attacking from behind!”
Both: “Hahahahahaa”
Stokes: “He was having anal, hahahaha”
Grissom: “Yeah I get it”
Stokes: “Do you, who from? Hahahahaha”
Grissom: “Oh you dirty shit”
Catherine: “Have you two quite finished?”
Grissom: “Yeah, I guess”
Catherine: “Good… because it’s my turn”
Stokes: “Giving Grissom anal?.... hahahhahaha”
Catherine: “Why is it always about butts with you?”
Stokes: “I don’t know, I’m getting help, but it’s a slow process”
Grissom: “Yeah, we should get some photos and start getting evidence… quick get in next to the body and pop some gang signs”
Stokes: “Should we put his pants back on”
Catherine: “Seriously you have to stop doing that, at least wait till we’ve photographed everything first”
Stokes: “Alright!”

Credits roll.

Back at the lab Grissom is showing off the photos to some lab techs, meanwhile Stokes takes some samples to the lab for testing.

Stokes: “Hey Sanders, got some samples for you”
Sanders: “Alrighty then, pass them here”
Stokes: “So, you doing anything on the weekend?”
Sanders: “Well I thought I’d just fill in time at the children’s hospital stripping, for my community service order”
Stokes: “Really… how’s that going”
Sanders: “Good, I’m pretty sure I’ll be arrested soon and then I’ll have my community service order.”

Sanders loads up the slide and looks at it in the microscope

Sanders: “Hmmm”
Stokes: “What is it?”
Sanders: “Jizz”
Stokes: “Jizz?”
Sanders: “Jizz!”
Grissom: “Jizz?”
Catherine: “Jizz!”
Sanders: “It’s definitely jizz”
Catherine: “Well I’m glad that’s cleared up, who does it belong to?”
Sanders: “Oh fucked if I know, but that’s definitely some grade ‘A’ man jam, I’d possibly be looking for some one with a penis”
Catherine: “That’s from the victim!”
Sanders: “Well in my professional opinion he was definitely a guy”
Catherine: “Oh good… you know I used to be a stripper”
Sanders: “Yeah”
Stokes: “We know… you think you could… um?”
Catherine: “No… never”
Stokes: “Oh come on you didn’t even know what I was going to ask”

Later interviewing a suspect

Grissom: “So you found him having sex with your wife and killed him… oh yeah your wife’s dead”
Suspect: “No I’ve never killed anyone… wait Susi is dead, oh god!”
Grissom: “Dead and with a big dick in her bum… the massive stiffening of both corpses means we can’t separate them”
Stokes: “[pops head in door] Massive stiffening, that’s what she said, hahaha”
Grissom: “Hahahaha… oh that Stokes… so where was I, oh yeah massive stiffening, and I mean massive [gestures with hands]”
Suspect: “I was out of town, on business, why did I leave her alone, why? [falls off chair and curls into foetal position]”
Grissom: “[in Mortal Kombat ‘whoopsy’ voice] Guilllllllllty!” would like to point out it wasn't really a gradual decline...

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Saturday Serial?!?

Fuck this, it's to hot, here is a picture of my cat.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Lessons in film with Pope Terry: Aliens

The following is a guest post by Pope Terry, and contains the word vagina...

I have no doubt that you’re fully aware some films and movies have much deeper meanings than what is shown in the immediate story. In fact many films are just metaphors for life and its many experiences. They show us the folly of our ways and lead us to change our lives for the better. Or sometimes for the worse, yes ‘Star Wars: The Phantom Menace’ I’m looking at you.

All kidding aside though not everyone is as clever as me and is able to decipher the hidden meaning behind movies, so I thought I’d pop around and give you a hand with one of my favourite franchises. The ‘Alien’ set of movies will and rightly so go down as one of the greatest horror/action movie franchises of all time, not only for its gripping suspense brilliant special effects and Bill Paxton yelling ‘we’re gonna die man, we’re all gonna die!’. But as well as being the best metaphor for one of the biggest parts of life set to film. Family.

Let’s look at the first film. ‘Alien’ a bunch of friends and colleagues moving through space and life in a giant ship. You’re Sigourney Weaver, don’t worry if you’re a man the metaphor still fits, all of a sudden one of your friends is latched onto by a squidgy thing in a darkened cave. I’ll repeat that. He walks into a darkened cave and gets something that best resembles a bajingo sucked onto his face. So there you are, Ripley cruising through space all of a sudden one of your closest friends has a strange vagina latched to his face, do I need to keep spelling it out. Whether you like it or not, shits about to change!

And then soon enough, a horrible slimy little creature is bursting forth from his gut forever removing his life from yours. And that vagina stuck on his face is no where to be seen, it peeled off a while ago and isn’t even interested in being friends with you. Of course every now and then you’ll think of your friend, but that’s only when his child pops through an air vent on the bridge of your ship, to stick its pokey thing into your engineering officer… huh?

Food or laundry, the only two reasons they ever come to visit

It doesn’t end there though, ‘Aliens’ continues this brilliance of film metaphor. By chance you meet new people, your both a little older than you were before, but all these people are still young at heart and don’t really look to be settling down. Of course soon you find your self stuck again in a new neighbourhood surrounded by these children, these giant metallic acid blooded children who want to lick you for some strange reason.

Suddenly you find yourself with child being thrust upon you, and as a makeshift parent you can’t help but feel that this child is special, if not very annoying and a burden to the rest of the film. But then the children that spring forth from these small squidgy crawling vaginas start appearing everywhere and taking your new friends one by one. You find your self angry at Paul Reiser, because it’s somehow his fault all your friends are pregnant and there are hu-hus crawling around everywhere.

It’s just pure filmic lesson teaching. ‘Alien 3’ and your trapped in your own prison all your friends having been taken by the crawling vaginas and there children. You think you’re free then all of a sudden, bam your robot starts spewing wax, and you find out you’re pregnant. Life over! Again that dam crawling vagina has claimed another victim. Now some of you mothers might be arguing, no children are wonderful, well maybe, but I’m just telling you the message in the film. You get impregnated, you have two choices, let the little freak inside you steal your life from you as it bursts from your body. Or take the plunge and find some molten lava.

They grow up so quick

Of course it’s not over though as we find in ‘Aliens 4’, the movie that proves everything is alright, life doesn’t end when you have a family. Even if you’re a clone and your child is a giant albino space creature with a penchant for eating its own kind. You can still find friends, sure they will probably be criminals and pirates, and your child and some of its friends will probably kill them all. But children will be children wont they. It’s only when they grow old and big enough you have to let them leave, or flush them out the airlock as you re-enter the earths atmosphere, but it’s the same thing, the message is clear. No matter what you do you child will grow up and one day leave, and even if it tries to kill your Wynona Rider Cy-Borg you’ll still have some room for it in your heart. Or somewhere near your liver… I’m not quite sure where they get impregnated. thinks they mostly come out at night... mostly...

Monday, February 02, 2009

Talk to Liam: The TV

TV: “Hey are you sick of having dirty filthy carpets”
Liam: “Boy am I? Wait, am I?”
TV: “Well we’ve got a great new product for you”
Liam: “Get fucked, what are the odds of that?”
TV: “Introducing the brand new…”
Liam: “[interrupts] it’s got to be something to remove cat shit”
TV: “…Excelsior carpet steam cleaning vacuum”
Liam: “[grabs megaphone and speaks into it] Dear god you’ve saved me again how much is it”
TV: “Yes the right folks with the power of steam, using nothing but water you to can remove grease and muck from your carpets, and other surfaces”
Liam: “Don’t toy with me buddy, how much is it?”
TV: “Do you have pets?”
Liam: “I don’t think that’s any of your business”
TV: “Children?”
Liam: “Lets just say for the sake of tax purposes yes”

TV: “Well then you know the mess they can make, food, drink, crayons…”
Liam: “Blood”
TV: “Any amount of mess you can think of, but never fear the Excelsior carpet steam cleaning vacuum can clean it all”
Liam: “Semen”
TV: “Before your very eyes, watch as this tough stain is removed by nothing but the power of steam”
Liam: “That’s incredible!”
TV: “Yes it can do everything”
Liam: “Can it [looks longingly out window] love?”
TV: “Anything you could ever want to clean carpets, curtains, tiles, the car or even the boat”
Liam: “It can clean a boat, who cares if it can replace the hole in my life my wife left, if it can clean a boat.”
TV: “Yes any surface anywhere, anytime”
Liam: “Finally I can clean the blood of my boat in the middle of the night”

TV: “All this can be yours, for the low, low price of…”
Liam: “I have $23 and a voucher for a free cheeseburger”
TV: “Four easy payments of $49.95”
Liam: “Oh, playing hardball are we! Alright then I give you $100, and you can spend an hour alone with my robot”
Spencer: “[makes vomiting noise]”
Liam: “Quiet Spencer they don’t need to know its nothing more than a hairdryer with a cucumber taped to it!”
TV: “All you need to do is pick up your phone…”
Liam: “[picks up phone and heaves it at wall]”
TV: “…And ring this number”
Liam: “Dammit… fetch me the cordless Spencer [snaps to action pose pointing to the kitchen]”
Spencer: “[continues laying on floor with legs sprawled out]”
Liam: “I swear Spencer this is the last time you cross me”

TV: “But wait there’s more”
Liam: “OH MY GOD! [rushes to TV and presses his nose against screen]”
TV: “If you order in the next fifteen minutes you get free…”
Liam: “What treasure trove of free goodness awaits us Spencer?”
TV: “Limited edition mounted Elvis wall clock”
Liam: “Whose mounted Elvis?”
TV: “This deal is to good to refuse, so ring now”
Liam: “If this house wasn’t so good dam filthy I’d take offense to being ordered around like that.”
TV: “Tonight on CSI”
Liam: “OOOOOOH MY GOD!” is also excited about CSI...