Monday, March 30, 2009

Adventures in the Public Domain: The Cat and Leroy

This week on The Cat and Leroy, we continue the line of thought that filth is funny!

Page six


To see the other pages simply click the 'The Cat and Leroy' label.

The comics this spoof is based on is believed by the author of this blog to be public domain, if they are not then apologies and they will be removed post haste upon notification.

humor-blogs.com is a fan of the policy 'if you can't be original and funny, just be dirty'...

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Talk to Liam: Liam goes democratic!



Liam: “Hello I’d like to vote”
Ryan: “This is a pet store”
Liam: “[walks out]”

Liam: “Hello I’d like to vote”
Wayne: “Excellent sir, if you’d just like to wait for a polling station to free up”
Liam: “Not really, I’m a busy man, [into megaphone] IS THERE ANYONE THAT WANTS TO SHARE”
Wayne: “Please sir there is no need for that, I’m sure someone will be finished soon”
Liam: “Are you sure, it looks like they are all going really slowly”
Wayne: “Well, I’m sure they wont be long, look there you see someone has finished you may go and vote”
Liam: “[into megaphone] DIBS on that polling booth, hey buddy don’t even think about it”
Wayne: “Sir please don’t”
Liam: “It’s ok, I’m licensed to carry this, thank you Gary you’ve been very helpful [turns and walks away]”
Wayne: “Its Way… oh who cares”
Liam: “[wanders into polling booth] Democracy you dirty bitch prepare to be plundered like the filthy whore you are”

Liam: “Hey, buddy… buddy”
Colin: “Hello, are you talking to me?”
Liam: “Who me?”
Colin: “Yes”
Liam: “…. Yes”
Colin: “Well, what do you want?”
Liam: “I need some help”
Colin: “Ok what with?”
Liam: “Voting”
Colin: “Well obviously, what’s the problem?”
Liam: “I don’t know how to spell Fiona Apple”
Colin: “Why would you need to spell that?”
Liam: “That’s who I’m voting for”
Colin: “Why are you voting for her?”
Liam: “Why aren’t you voting for her?”
Colin: “Well, I erh… I mean”
Liam: “Exactly!”
Colin: “She’s not even a politician though”
Liam: “She’s not an action hero either, I don’t see what that has anything to do with anything”
Colin: “I… no… I’m going now good bye [walks away quickly]”
Liam: “Oh well happy fucking easter to you to buddy”

Wayne: “[shoe hits him in head] Oh god dammit who was that? [looks around room sees Liam standing in middle of room lining him up with another shoe] What? What do you want? I can see you… don’t throw that shoe at me… [dodges second shoe]”
Liam: “Gary, over here, I need your help for a second”
Wayne: “My names Wayne alright, what do you need?”
Liam: “Come here, I’m not yelling across the room, it’s rude”
Wayne: “[wanders over] What, what do you want?”
Liam: “I can’t remember how to spell Fiona Apple”
Wayne: “What… oh whatever, F, I, O, N, A… A P, P, L, E… is that it?”
Liam: “Oh that’s right, oh just one more thing, does she support universal healthcare?”
Wayne: “[rubs forehead and sighs] For a start I don’t know, secondly, why did you come if you’re not going to take voting seriously, this could be the most important election ever”
Liam: “Why is that?”
Wayne: “We could have a black president”
Liam: “Fiona Apples black?”
Dave: “Where the fuck are my shoes?”
Wayne: “I… hate you”
Liam: “So what should I do?”
Wayne: “Go home”
Liam: “Hmmm, ok then back to Canada [walks out]”
Dave: “Seriously, where are my shoes, and since when can’t you vote with clogs on?”

humor-blogs.com loves a good bit of democracy...

Monday, March 23, 2009

Meme related thuggery...



So another monday rolls around, and yet again I've been tagged by VE. But he never tags anyone apparently, never... whats this the third time VE, if that is your real name. Well thats enough pretending to be angry, because quite frankly I've got nothing else. Is there a shark somewhere nearby I can jump because if it will help me out I'm going for it, hell strap some streamers to my handle bars and stick a piece of cardboard in my spokes and I'll pretend I'm Evil Knevil.

What is it this time, six things or habits of no importance to/about me, and I have to list them, why? I'm not sure I never really got the point of memes like this, or any memes really. Maybe I'm missing out on the community aspect of blogging, or maybe I just dont like telling people I hardly know indepth secrets I wouldn't tell my family. So as usual I'll be lying...



1.I'm a practising Santaist, a religion that revolves around Santa Clause being the saviour, and perveyor of the one true goal in life, capitalism! We've been involved in a secret war with the buddhists for quite some time, well I say a war it really just involves rats tailing bald people incase they are on the eight fold path... the fuckers. It doesnt take uch to join you really just need to have a credt card and a large amount of seasonal debt.

2.Envelopes scare me, it's true, sealed folded paper is one of those things that just gets me every time. I'm afraid that I'm going to get a paper cut so bad my finger falls off then the envelope is sealed... and then what? A few days later someone in Cohuna opens a letter and finds my index finger and a BAS statement... no thanks, I'll stick to Emails.

3.I've been stealing my neighbours paper for the last six months. Why... well, and this maybe debatable, he's a cunt... or I am... its one of the two.

4.In 2003 I rode a Dugong, thirty four kilometres to be exact. It was for charity 'save the whales', after I arrived at the finished line we roasted the Dugong. I've never seen Lucille Ball in finer form, of course after that we ate the Dugong. Wrapped it in panchetta and pan fried it, served with an angel hair pasta it was delicious. Salut Gordon you big sea cow mofo...


This is how I live...


5.I havent spoken out loud for two years. It's true kids I took a vow of silence that and the fact the cave I inhabit only contains a few scrapes of moss and the odd rat I keep for milking. Of course I mutter the odd groan, mumble or angry swear, but for two years not a sentence has left my lips. The last thing I said was, if I remember correctly... 'Jeff, you purple harlot, get your skivvy wearing carcass out of my dinner party'. Maybe if I had of known I would of chosen something a little better.

6.I quit playing air guitar, I realised I was actually so musically stunted that I was playing along to the drum beat... try it at home you probably do it to. Of course now I play air drums, and I'm very good at them. Better than you!

So after that rather self congratulatory ending thats the meme-ing done for today. Wasn't that fun kids? Anyway... in the place of a decent way to finish...

humor-blogs.com agrees with me about my neighbour

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Adventures in the Public Domain: The Cat and Leroy

This week on The Cat and Leroy Jethro gets in some trouble, and hot Mummy action!

Page five


To see the other pages simply click the 'The Cat and Leroy' label.

The comics this spoof is based on is believed by the author of this blog to be public domain, if they are not then apologies and they will be removed post haste upon notification.

humor-blogs.com thinks it's important to make sure your friends aren't molested by zombies...

Monday, March 16, 2009

It's a motion picture: Lost Souls



There are several exorcism movies, most of which seem to suck whole heartedly. I don’t know why but once you bring the biblical faith into a movie it just seems to drag out into a painful exercise of holy water wet t shirts contests and pea soup. One movie from this much over done genre is ‘Lost Souls’. Before I continue let me just say one thing. Wynona Rider, is still god damn cute, unreasonably so, no matter what she does, where she does it, that woman is the sexual equivalent of a puppy in a rainbow sweater eating a marshmallow frog. Hmmm that’s probably not something you’d want to have sex with, but my point is she was, and still is, horrifically attractive.

A kleptomaniac to. Upon breaking into some guys house she proceeds to just help herself to the books and a necklace, wait to go Wynona, that’s definitely not going to come back to haunt you. So what’s the basic premise of the movie. Well the movie starts with a quote from Deuteronomy, ‘the devil shall be born of incest’. And we learn something new already, the devil is inbred, I guess that explains a lot. But basically bunch of Catholics try to stop the devil returning to earth, by killing the ‘host’.

Blah, blah, blah, expositional exorcism, meet the main characters. Nice priest John Hurt gets sick, and then Wynona has a conversation with the high talker from Seinfeld, which was far funnier than I think it was meant to be, which I'm guessing was not at all. It's hard for me to distance characters and actors kids, the first thing I see them in is basically what they define themselves as. Anthony Hopkins will always be Hannibal Lecter, Meg Ryan will always be Sally, and that guy will always be the high talker from Seinfeld. Now matter how much sage like priestly advice he spouts.



It’s just a movie of these really weird assertions about the devil, Wynona is in a monastery restroom, when some weird stuff happens. The walls go all brown and blistered and the toilets over flow, meaning Satan lives in the toilet? A few seconds before this she hears a noise, and then asks, is anyone there? I don’t care if the movie is about Satanists, even they have more manners than to speak while doing a deuce.

The guy who is about to be inhabited by the red man him self apparently likes to fly fish, something which I’ve long suspected the devil of doing. And then there is the encounter with the psychic, at literally being called the future devil the best he can manage is ‘get the fuck outta here!’. I don’t know about you kids but if someone accuses me of being the devil I fight a little harder than that to clear my name.



But he’s not the smartest guy is he, remember the quote that started the movie, the devil is an inbred. Well upon learning that he is the devil, or at least will become the devil, acceptance. Yet he still has trouble believing that his mother and father were brother and sister. Honestly if you’re Satan, I think the fact that mum and dad kept it in the family is the least of your problems.

Call me crazy if you like, what’s wrong with being the antichrist, I mean it can’t be that bad, he’s meant to be pretty popular isn’t he. Why not just accept it, yeah bring it on, Gog, Magog, the locusts, the seals, the horseman. I mean it could be worse it's not as if you found out you’re parents are Celine Dion fans. And say what you want about the followers but bugger me if those fuckers can’t organise. The best Wynona and the Catholic church can offer is a few scrawny old priests. Those Satanist can pack in a whole chathedral, they have clearly put more effort into this plan than Jesus did, why not reward their ingenuity.

Just so I don’t spoil the movie as you may want to watch it I’ll just bullet point a few things I noticed whilst watching it.
-It’s always wet…
-God resembles a 40 watt bulb
-Apparently being the future devil negates your need to knock before entering
-Devil or not, I still don’t like it when you push around Wynona
-If you hear a strange noise while you’re in the kitchen of a strange house, owned by a strange man whose possessed by a demon, yell really loudly!
-If that guy has just tried to kill you, but somehow you escape, go for coffee
-The church of Satan really gets some quality birds, if you’re single and of inbred lineage you might want to check it out, you could be popular!
-Wynona is reallllllly cute.

humor-blogs.com would advise against siding with the antichrist...

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Celebrate good times...

Holy shit kids guess what, 200 posts. Yeah thats right 200, well its something like 202 now, but never mind. It's still above 200. So celebrate my mighty mightiness, and my ability to string together words in a semi coherent mass. Any way here is a story for you all to read enjoy it if you want. Oh and by the way over at Radioactive Liberty I did a guest post of sorts, check it out.

Benny's Way...
The light bulb in the room swung slowly around, circling above his head like a luminescent vulture waiting to swoop and feast on the remains of his dignity and pride. He thought the handcuffs were a bit much really, he was an old man and not about to make a break for it. Besides the robes weren’t the best escape wear to be honest. From out side the room he could hear foot steps two men the approached quickly but it was still a shock when the door flew open after being hurriedly kicked.

“Hello Benny” The man said in a thick accent, he sounded like someone doing an over the top British gangster. But Benny could be assured this was his real voice he’d heard it enough to know that.

“We seem to be having some understanding problems Benny, and by we, I mean you Benny… seems you’re a bit thick Benny” The man went on stepping into the room, his accomplice nodded along and smiled.

“I… I didn’t think it was appropriate” Benny answered. The two men looked at him like he’d just spat on there dead mothers

“Benny, mate… my old son, if we wanted to know what you thought, we have told you what to think… wouldn’t we Benny, in at right Jonsey” The man said ingratiating himself towards Benny crutch first.

“That’s right Spook, we would have… we would have told you what to think Benny” Jonsey said smiling his yellow teeth poking through his thin sodden lips.

“But I just didn’t think people would react well” Benny said pleading a little.

“There’s that word again Spook” Jonsey said

“There it is, like you say Jonsey ‘again’, this thinking business is becoming a real habit for you Benny, and me and Jonsey don’t think it’s suitable for a man in your position to be doing.” Spook said as he placed his foot in between Benny’s thighs on the chair.

“But… I just don’t think it would be something a Pope should say…” Benny replied whining try to grasp some sympathy from either man.

“Well lucky for you, you don’t have to think do you Benny. How do you expect this whole, Pope Benedict endorses Pepsi thing is going to work if you don’t say the apropos things as it were… Benny” Spook says cracking his knuckles.

“But I don’t drink Pepsi, it would be abusing my position to tell others to” Benny replies yelling this time

“Let’s say this Benny, if you don’t say the lines, we, being me, Spook, and my friend Jonsey will abuse your position, with a cricket bat” Spook says threateningly

“You know cricket don’t you Benny” Jonsey adds needlessly just to seem tough.

“Or we, like previously discussed can go the other route” Spook adds a few seconds later.

“No… not them, I need them” Benny yells scared he may lose a valuable body part.

“Well Benny you best be learning your lines, or snip snip… no more eyebrows for you” Spook threatens

“No I need them… I’ll learn the lines, but please don’t take my eyebrows” Benny says starting to cry.

“A man and his eyebrows are a hard thing to part” Jonsey says unfolding his arms revealing an electric razor.

“I need them… for evolution, please I promise I’ll say the lines, I’ll say the bloody lines” Benny says blubbering all the time now.

“Evolution?” Spook and Jonsey say taking a quick glance at each other

“Yes most Catholics are in line with that now” Benny replies a few tears rolling down his cheeks.

“Most Catholics… most Catholics, well that’s wonderful Benny. But most Catholics believing in the life works and scientific studies of the famed biologist Charles Darwin doesn’t sell more Pepsi does it Benny? So what do you think I’m going to ask you to do?” Spook asks Benny who stares back at him helplessly, he thinks for a second then speaks

“Man… came from… Pepsi?” Benny queries softly closing his eyes as he does. There is a long pause as Benny keeps his eyes closed finally he gets up the courage to open them

“You know what Benny, maybe you’re not as dumb as that dress makes you look, I think maybe you ready to have your little talk to the public after all… eye brows intact” Spook says to Benny as he leans over and says the last bit right to his face.

“Untie Benny Jonsey, he’s got some speaking to attend to” Spook says smiling happily. Benny gets out of the chair and dusts himself off.

“My hat?” Benny says pointing to it in the corner.

“Get Benny his hat Jonsey” Spook tells Jonsey, who picks up the hat and dusts it off with his hand, then jams it rather stiffly onto Benny’s head.

“So what do we say Benny?” Spook asks brushing the dirt off of Benny’s robes as he does.

“I BELIEVE in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of heaven, earth and refreshment; and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord; Who was conceived of the Holy Ghost, born of the Virgin Mary, suppled on Pepsi, suffered under Pontius Pilate and Coke, was crucified, died, and was buried. He descended into hell; the third day He arose again from the dead; He ascended into heaven and sits at the right hand of God, near the vending machine, the Father Almighty: from thence He shall come to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Ghost, the holy Catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, life everlasting and the refreshing powers of Pepsi, Pepsi Max, and new Pepsi Holy. Amen.” Benny says holding his head low.

“Excellent Benny, there is hope for you yet” Spook say as he pushes him out the door…

humor-blogs.com wonders what else Pepsi can do...

Monday, March 09, 2009

Adventures in the Public Domain: The Cat and Leroy

This week on The Cat and Leroy, was it Ferrets and the tension mounts between Jethro and the Professor.

Page four


To see the other pages simply click the 'The Cat and Leroy' label.

The comics this spoof is based on is believed by the author of this blog to be public domain, if they are not then apologies and they will be removed post haste upon notification.

humor-blogs.com never had lego as a kid either...

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Talk to Liam: JFK?



Bill: “Yeah so now they are all saying there was a third gun man”
Tony: “Seriously… that’s just getting ridiculous now, I don’t know why people can’t just accept it was Oswald”
Bill: “Exactly, him and him alone”
Liam: “Hey guys what are we talking about?”
Tony: “Nothing, absolutely nothing”
Bill: “The Kennedy assassination Liam”
Liam: “Which one John, Jack or Ted?”
Tony: “Ted Kennedy’s not dead yet Liam”
Liam: “Really… whoa he hasn’t aged well has he?”
Bill: “Well I guess you have a point there don’t you”
Tony: “I hate to ask this and god knows I’m going to regret it, but what do you think happened with JFK?”

Liam: “That’s the one in the car right, with the hairy knoll”
Bill: “Grassy knoll”
Liam: “Same thing”
Tony: “No…”
Liam: “I’m not sure really, you have that whole gun man in the building, but the way his head moves there cold have been someone on the hairy knoll”
Bill: “Grassy”
Tony: “Same thing”
Liam: “Exactly… and you guys, what do you think?”
Bill: “We both think it was Oswald from the book depository”
Liam: “[looks confused] Umm”
Tony: “What is it Liam?”
Liam: “Uhhh… I don’t want to question your logic or anything, but”
Tony: “But what?”
Liam: “How would Oswald shoot Kennedy from a book… in his… ass?”

Tony: “Oh god dammit, that’s it [walks away]”
Bill: “[looks surprised] Well I don’t think I could have seen that one coming”
Liam: “[picks up tongs and flips burger]”
Bill: “What do you mean shot him from a book in his ass?”
Liam: “Well you said Oswald used the book depository, for a start how did he even get the book up there…?”
Bill: “No your confus…”
Liam: “But to then kill someone with that, I mean that’s some serious talent”
Bill: “Well I don’t think it should be called a talent for a start. And second, and listen carefully to this”
Liam: “I always do”
Bill: “You’re confusing a depository, with a suppository”
Liam: “How so?”
Bill: “[breathes deeply] One is a building where you store things, right”
Liam: “…Yeah”
Bill: “The other is a form of medication you take rectally… clear?”

Liam: “I think so… so I couldn’t shoot someone from a suppository?”
Bill: “No [stops and thinks]… yeah no, you… well people couldn’t”
Tony: “[from other side of yard] Does he understand yet?”
Bill: “I think so [looks at Liam, Liam smiles back]… I don’t know”
Tony: “[walks back over] I’m here to check on the meat, that’s it, no body talk to me”
Bill: “No he gets it, he has to”
Liam: “[looks in opposite direction, slowly turns] I have another question”
Tony: “[breathes deeply and angrily] I can’t take this anymore”
Bill: “Just wait let me prepare myself for this [shakes arms and rubs temples for a few short moments] ok go”
Liam: “Where would a suppository depository be?”
Tony: “GET FUCKED [walks away again]”
Bill: “You know that’s actually not a bad question”

humor-blogs.com thinks there was a gunman on the hairy knoll...

Monday, March 02, 2009

Sphinctorial Response: Following the Recipe...



I watch too much TV, way to much, it’s getting to a point where I know what’s going on in shows I don’t even see. And it’s always those shows with those annoying, ‘watched by twenty million in the US’ promos. They even did it with that ‘Flashpoint’ show, which is interesting since its Canadian isn’t it? Is interesting the word I’m looking for, never mind. They did the same with that show with Glenn Close in it, supposedly it was top shit but it didn’t even last a season in prime time here.

I think there is one vast difference in American and Australian TV. We don’t have enough of a population to make any show popular. Sadly its why quality shows like ‘Scrubs’ and ‘The Wire’ are dumped late night on our networks, hell even ‘The Sopranos’ final season didn’t air till a year after the US and that was at like 11.30 on a Monday night. In short Australian audiences have little taste, but having said that we do tend to swallow a lot of the stuff the TV networks farm out to us from the US. And I’ve noticed something about the latest bunch of shows that seem to be successful.



House, The Mentalist, Lie To Me, The Eleventh Hour (coming soon). They are all the same show. Handsome foreign actor leads team to uncover eventual mystery. Take any script to any of these shows change the character names and you get the same thing, I guess it’s slightly better than being the same CSI clones over and over again. But still it’s not very imaginative.

Each show involves a specialist in a certain field, Simon Baker plays the ‘mentalist’, an ex-psychic and cold reader, Tim Roth is a specialist in body language and lying. Rufus Sewell plays the same character Capt Picard did in the British series, a specialist Scientist, who week after week solves a medical mystery. And Hugh Laurie plays House, an asshole… or Doctor which ever way you want to look at it. Either way they all just seem to be one trait away from each other.


Now that would have made the show original!


House is the complete arsehole, Tim Roth is a bit less of an arsehole and has some of the same abilities as Simon Baker, who is nicer still and has gills and a hydrocephalic head like Rufus Sewell. Ok so I’m making some assumptions with that last one, as the show hasn’t aired here yet, but if it’s the same as the British version was, its just another show with a flawed ‘expert’ and his attractive spunky offsider. To be honest I’ve seen most of these shows, and they aren’t bad, ‘Lie To Me’ seems quite fun, and Simon Baker does have a certain charming suave nature about him. I could never watch ‘House’ though, Hugh Laurie’s American accent is worth than Hugh Jackman’s in X-men.

It’s not just the mains either, the supporting cast is all the same as well, each protagonist is a showy superior male in their field, yet they all have flaws. And each character is offset by a strong feisty attractive female to even it out. Insert a certain level of sexual tension and professional distain and you have any of the shows mentioned. The supplementary characters as well, there are always two underlings who you know are going to hit it off. While exactly this isn’t a problem for any of the shows it does kind of lend to the TV by numbers style of production.


While yes I'm a big strong hetero sexual male... my god he's dreamy isn't he!


They did the same with female leads a few years ago, The closer, Close to home, Cold case, Bones, Fringe (to an extent). They all seem to be the same in character and story transplant the city from one to another and you have the same show. The same characters, the same quirky moments of offbeat humour, the same relationships developing. Just insert any attractive female in a lead and flip the usual power struggle, ‘yay girl power’. I’m quite surprised we didn’t see at least a few rip offs of Deadwood, though I’m glad we didn’t.

It’s at the point now where I just wish the ‘yes me to’ style of television would fuck off. Bruckheimer proved people will watch the same show when CSI Miami came along, and then went on to prove people will watch anything when New York followed. If you like CSI shows fine, but to me they are cut outs of each other. Poor imitations of an original that reached its peak somewhere near the end of the second season. If you’re like me there’s no accounting for other peoples tastes, they suck they always have and always will. The good shows the ones like The Wire, Rome, Oz, Janus and Phoenix (any Aussies remember them), are the ones that can’t be copied, the ones without cookie cutter characters. In TV imitation isn’t the sincerest form of flattery, its just TV and its just getting sad.

humor-blogs.com does a hilarious mexican accent...