Thursday, April 30, 2009

Talk to Liam: The Tree...



Tony: “[walks to phone, yawns] Hello”
Liam: “Hello Tony”
Tony: “Oh, what do you want Liam? It’s three in the morning”
Liam: “Actually its closer to four”
Tony: “Great… that still doesn’t explain the phone call”
Liam: “I need some help”
Tony: “It’s not the spider again is it?”
Liam: “No, were friends now, he… he seems to be… oh never mind about that, I really could use some assistance”
Tony: “Right now, you need help right now?”
Liam: “Yes… it’s quite cold outside and I’m feeling a little faint”
Tony: “You’re outside, why are you outside [walks into kitchen]”
Liam: “It’s hard to explain… oh, turn around Tony”
Tony: “[turns around looks out window] Oh for fucks sake, what are you doing hanging in my tree”
Liam: “Look its really getting cold, and I really need to go to the bathroom”

Tony: “Fine, what a minute [disappears to get shoes and dressing gown], alright I’m coming out”
Liam: “Ok… I’ll see you then [hangs up]”
Tony: “Yeah, looking forward to it”

Tony: “[opens back door and walks out into the cold snowy night] Ok… what are you doing hanging upside down in my tree”
Liam: “[swings very slightly back and forward] Now I’ll tell you, but do you really want to know?”
Tony: “[thinks for a second] No not really, how long have you been up there?”
Liam: “Ooooh… it was four o’clock, so that’s… since Tuesday”
Tony: “Five days… you’ve been hanging in my tree for five days?”
Liam: “Yeah that’s about right”
Tony: “Wait I was out here on Thursday and you weren’t here”
Liam: “Oh I was up in the tree, but well…”
Tony: “Well what?”
Liam: “I was eating a snickers bar before, and a squirrel scared me”
Tony: “[under breathe] oh fuck me”
Liam: “Then I kind of slipped in my harness and fell.”
Tony: “Ok, no… I have to know why are you in my tree? [rubs eyes]”
Liam: “Well on Tuesday I just had an urge to climb, and this is the best tree in the neighbourhood”
Tony: “[sarcastic tone] Well of course we all just feel the need to climb sometimes”
Liam: “And then after that…”
Tony: “Yes? After that?”
Liam: “Promise you won’t get mad”
Tony: “No”
Liam: “Well alright then, after that [leans in close to Tony’s face]… I thought I found Narnia”
Tony: “I have to move…”
Liam: “It wasn’t though…”
Tony: “Oh really… Narnia isn’t in my tree… good to know”

Liam: “Any chance you can cut me down soon, you know nature calls”
Tony: “Yeah… wait if you’ve been up there the whole five days how have you been, you didn’t… not on my lawn”
Liam: “What, oh no, I had a bucket for that, and I always use a catheter for number one”
Tony: “[speaking sobbingly] Will you remove your bucket of poo from my tree soon?”
Liam: “Well I’m busy for the next few weeks but I’ll definitely put it in my diary.”
Tony: “Thank you [cutting rope]”
Liam: “[rope snaps] Ohhhh!, [lands on head] thanks buddy… well I wish I could stick around but… [runs into the snowy night]”
Tony: “Definitely moving…”

humor-blogs.com uses a bucket, but only because it lives in a cave...

Monday, April 27, 2009

Movie... crap...

So another Monday lazily lolls its head off the pillow and wanders carelessly into the kitchen to make some toast. There it sees me doing my best to jam a rather large croissant into the toaster to try and crispin it up. The Monday peers at me hazily for a second before it realises I don't in fact live there, and have broken in to steal toilet paper and French pastries. Jumping out the window under the hail of swear words, Turkish curses, and several kitchen utensils I finally decide to end this elaborate excuse for an introduction.

I've got nothing kids, no idea what to post today, so I'm here making this up on the day. You could blame me if its shit, but I'm going to stick with my usual plan of blaming Fiar from Radioactive Liberty for making me look bad. So here's the idea I came up with whilst I was eating my Vegemite and cheese on toast. I'm going to run through a few movies and tell you why I love them.



1.Predator.
You know the bit where they are walking through the jungle, really? Cool, OK then next movie. But seriously, they haven't encountered ol'chop face yet. And Poncho turns to Dutch, which right there in the names should tell you why I fucking love this movie. But anyway, Poncho turns to Dutch and says, 'Hey Dutch you remember Afghanistan'. So its really more of a question... ohh never mind. And Dutch just answers 'How could I forget'. And that's it, it comes out of no where, an disappears back to no where even quicker. Its the biggest non sequitor in cinema history... well maybe not. But the way its said leads me to believe one of two things happened in Afghanistan, its was either something really violent... or something really gay. Honestly I think I'm fine with either one, but it still really mystifies me, what happened in Afghanistan.



2. Rocky
This isn't one of my favorite movies, but its just one of those things that tickles me to no end when I think about it. Which is a thought that will definitely be disturbing by the time I've finished explaining this. Whenever I watched Rocky I always got the idea that Adrianne, was a bit simple, a few slices short of a loaf... all her puppies weren't suckling the right way... OK that's just wrong but carrying on. And then there is that bit where Rocky pretty much uses the old 'no means yes' treatment. And it just kind of freaked me out, she clearly didn't want to have sex with Rocky at that point in the movie, but it happened anyway.

3.The Street Fighter
OK kids no I'm not talking about the upcoming Kristen Kruek epic or the shabby Van Damme clusterfuck of movie incompetence. Or even the original anime movies. I'm talking about Japans answer to that weak as piss kungfu wielding nancy Bruce Lee. SONNY CHIBA. Ralph Macio can suck a fat one whilst doing a crane kick. Sonny Chiba is the god of Karate, and his magnum opus trilogy, The Street Fighter Series, are three of the greatest movies ever made. Now you may think its for the inclusion of a character called rat face, but you're wrong. Its for that one scene that appears in every single movie. A scene of such beautiful message and meaning it brings tears to my eyes.



There is usually a part in martial arts movies where the hero, learns his lesson isnt there? Clears his mind, opens himself up to a new technique or style, something that will lead him to victory. Fuck that Sonny Chiba says, who needs to learn a lesson? When you can just get angry, and have a flashback of your father screaming, 'no son don't listen to them, you can't learn anything new, get angry and punch fuckers some more'. OK so that's paraphrased because I can't find the clip on YouTube. But that's the gist of it. All three movies, there comes a time where Sonny is being beat, he has that flashback, which basically translates to 'keep doing what your doing, only angrier', and snap, he wins.

And I'm done, peace out bitches!

humor-blogs.com knows what happened in Afghanistan...

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Adventures in the Public Domain: The Cat and Leroy

This week on the Cat and Leroy, offensive jokes?

Page Nine


To see the other pages simply click the 'The Cat and Leroy' label.

The comics this spoof is based on is believed by the author of this blog to be public domain, if they are not then apologies and they will be removed post haste upon notification.

humor-blogs.com really wants to hear the punchline...

Monday, April 20, 2009

Stealing the Skwibs Schtick...

Something smells like fish he said. Something smelt off, well bully for you tough guy, really insensitive. He could tell that the training wasn't going to pay off, all the lectures from the HR department were never going to stop the insensitive quips. You know for a bounty hunter and an intergalactic hero, he could be really mean sometimes. Just laugh it off, let it go like you always do and they'll eventually stop. At least he'd stopped calling him Vagina face though.



“Hey 'Roast Beef', get on the coms and give the fleet the orders”

God damn you Lando...

humor-blogs.com thinks Lando is still the greatest...

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Adventures in the Public Domain: The Cat and Leroy

This week on The Cat and Leroy, ahhhh... yeah, that's about it...

Page eight

To see the other pages simply click the 'The Cat and Leroy' label.

The comics this spoof is based on is believed by the author of this blog to be public domain, if they are not then apologies and they will be removed post haste upon notification.

humor-blogs.com knows that was bad...

Monday, April 13, 2009

Story Time

He wasn't sure when it had happened, when, exactly he'd gotten knee deep in the biggest pile of shit he'd ever seen, but he was in it now. Way past the sockline. God dammit this was horrible, it was like 'The Fugitive', but there was no one armed man, and a lot less wife killing going on. If only someone would kill his wife, that would have made his life a lot easier. But she was to powerful, to smart, to fall for being killed... if she even could die? It had never happened to her before, so for all he knew she was immortal. Shit, she was immortal, that was a realistation he didn't want to vocalise.

He looked across at her in the car, she was sitting next to him in the back of the limo smiling incessantly. She knew, she knew everything, he just wished that she'd finally spill it and just carry out her plans. It was bad enough he'd been relegated to the status of a lap dog. Not even that even, really just a handbag. He already had her phone in his pocket, jesus... he used to be important. He used to be the man, now look at him, waiting for his opportunity to get the word out to the press. This was the biggest conspiracy since the JFK assasination, since Watergate, since the brown m'n'ms scandal. His contacts were waiting but he'd never had the time to see them, what with his wifes minders following him constantly.

This was never going to end well.

“So, how long is this going to take?” He asked slowly, trying not to seem nervous

“As long as it takes” she said smiling back, dodging the question. She'd learnt that from him, that was his tac, and she was stealing it. But she'd pay soon, they all would, all those in charge, and this went right to the top, all the way up there. He had photos of Oprah. This was going to ruin everyone involved. There was no way they could deny it any longer, after this the 'Masculine Revolution' would begin, finally the men would get their own back. When he'd discovered it, he couldn't believe it, but there it was clear as day. For as long as there had been running water, there had been things in the water, fluride, minerals, and also a little substance called 'gen454'. The bitch god of chemistry that came up with that concoction.

All this time women had been laughing it up, keeping it all to themselves. But with this coming out they wouldn't be able to deny it. Shit and fan would meet. Finally after they removed 'gen454' from the water, men would be able to lactate again. And finally they would get back their essence as human males. He looked out the window of the car and shed a tear. The thought was to beautiful to let pass without embracing the emotion, finally again, he a grown man, would be able to breast feed a child.

As the car pulled up at its destination and slowed to allow them out he turned to his wife, looking upon her, the demon spawn of feminism.

“Come on Bill” She said looking away and climbing out of the limo.

“Yes Hilary...”

humor-blogs.com dreams of milky man breasts again one day...

Thursday, April 09, 2009

As Seen on TV: Nigella and tea...

More TV nonsense this week kids, this time at the hands of that delictable trollop Nigella Lawson. You know her don't you kids, if you don't just play along there is no harm in pretending. Don't get me wrong shes a lovely lady, quite attractive if you ask me, and I'm sure she can probably whisk together a fairly decent meal. But quite frankly she shits me to tears.

I've watched her show when it was on the TV, and when it comes back on, no doubt I'll probably give it a squiz once again. Not because she is particularly entertaining, or her recipes are good. But because she does as I said drive me bat shit crazy. Why, you may ask, it's purley for the fact shes just about the laziest celebrity chef I've ever come across. Every single episode of her show would involve some sort of dish that I highly questioned whether you could call it a recipe or not.

Now yes that was her point, quick easy and tasty food. But when your preparation entails little more than add this to that, you have to wonder who, shes making this show for? I think its probably the same people, who could fuck up the momumentally difficult dish of the 'sandwich'.
You know a sandwich, two slices of bread with mustard in the middle*. Shit you need a knife for that kids, I'm not sure you should be trying it without extensive instructions.



Anyway so she is on an advert for tea bags, I'll pause here for a moment so the filthier among us can bring our minds back from the gutter. And it's much the same as the show its all sexy camera angles close ups on wet pouty lips and long lingering close ups of Nigellas heaving cleavage. Not something I really have a problem with. Blah, blah, blah tea adjectives, who cares it's tea, it's not a scrap decent coffee mug of vodka. So she makes the tea, because as her show suggests its about a complex a recipe as she can handle.

But here is what really annoys me about the advert, it features children, not Nigella's children though. Now, I know this because she forces them into her cooking show, and I use the word cooking very broadly there, as much as making toast could be considered cooking. So what are we meant to think, Nigella has busted into someones house to make a cuppa, the strange children would suggest that.

Her children are such a large part of her show. It would be impossible to know who she is, and not know they aren't her children. It makes the setting just completely bogus, and why, what does that setting prove? If we can see through the thinly veiled attempt to cover the fact that this is an advert, and not just Nigella talking about her favorite antioxident rich beveridge. Then the kids become pointless, the advert could take place anywhere with anyone. It even makes having Nigella do the advert pointless. They don't even give her a name tag, or flash her name on the screen with a friggigging caption 'Nigella Lawson celebrity kitchen strumpet'. All of a sudden it just becomes some dumpy milf showing some tit and drinking tea.



And suddenly I don't know what I'm complaining about anymore. Again they just assume we will play along, they assume we know who this person is, then just expect us to believe that thats her house, thats her family, her dishwasher, her giant fapping monkey tree. It's just one of those adverts that are stupid, you know the ones aimed at women. Suggesting ridiculous notions of happy families, fun picnics, playing tennis when you're on the rag... (alright yes I did just type that, just checking), and just slipping in the mention of tea or laundry liquid, a feminine product as some sort of portal to these things.

I hope we all know by now that sipping Twinnings Tea isn't going to lead to a happy family life. But now I'm also questioning who Nigellas show is aimed at. I can't imagine many men paying attention to it outside of the obvious big tittied wench factor. Marketing to men isnt that hard, just put a stripper pole in the middle of the fucking kitchen. If I know my women like a think I do, its not the regular variety that is interested in seeing Nigellas cleavage, or pouting lipsitcked lips closely announciating several different types of root vegetable. So is she trying to attract lesbians? Whatever she does and whoever she aims it at, is it really working? The coy stares at camera, the convieniently framed shots of her bossom and the food she's making. I have no doubt the show is aimed at women, so why is she trying to sex it up?

*twenty points for guessing that reference

humor-blogs.com can make toast... kind of...

Monday, April 06, 2009

Adventures in the Public Domain: The Cat and Leroy

This week, thats what she said?

Page seven


To see the other pages simply click the 'The Cat and Leroy' label.

The comics this spoof is based on is believed by the author of this blog to be public domain, if they are not then apologies and they will be removed post haste upon notification.

humor-blogs.com is willing to hunt anyone for sport...

Thursday, April 02, 2009

As Seen on TV: Spraying away your troubles!

So what now kids, more 'As seen on TV' action, it's been a while since I did one of these. Now that either means there hasn't been as much stupidity on the TV, or I'm mellowing at a certain amount. Neither of those doesn't strike me as a particularly good thing, I like being angry. Well not angry, annoyed is probably a better description. And the chance that he TV is showing less stupidity is lets face it a small one. Because, well kids it's TV isn't it, the only thing that harbors more idiots than the TV is the internet, the proof of that is all around you.

But whats the product today, whose advertorial nonsense has grinded my goat enough to warrant this little angry barrage. Well it's two things, a double header today kids, but both come in a can, for convienence. Lets just go straight to the first one, Glen 20 surface spray, the only disinfectant spray that kills smells at the source, the germs. Yes you to can have your house as clean an funk free as a pine forest of whatever the fuck this stuff smells like.

Now I don't particularly have a problem with the product, if you're that anal that you have to spray your bin/kids/shoes/whatever to cleanse them of germs, go ahead. Just please be kind enough to tattoo 'freak' on your forehead so I know not to talk to you. But it's the advert that really irks me. Insert semi attractive mum type figure standing in kitchen. He filthy children, husband and animal do something in the lounge room, and she stands there talking on the phone. But hark what doth foul her sensory perception. Buggered if I know but she goes about spraying everything with a tangible 'surface', with some sort of spray.


'Ze germs they are everywhere, I can zmell them!' What... shes German, shut up!


It doesnt work, she still smells the powerful odour of something, and she throws out the spray. At which point I marvel at her sense of smell because as the advert claims other products only kill the smell not the germs... so what in the name of ball gagged Jehovah is she smelling if the other spray has killed the smell. It's just stupid, somehow super mum is smelling some really clean arse germs, but shes still smelling them somehow. Thats not the bit that really annoys me though, so she is talking on the phone. Then as soon as she smells something she dumps the phone mid call I assume, and starts crazily disinfecting shit. So this product is for obsessive compulsives, people that think they can smell germs? People more inclined to clean, than to have a social life of any reward?

Mum: “Oh hi Dorothy, how are you?”
Dorothy: “I'm good, how are you?”
Mum: “Yes I'm fine, are you still coming tonight, Sgt Woofy is going to tear some shit up in the ring”
Dorothy: “Oh you know I never miss a good dog fight... hello you there?”
Mum: “*in distance* Damned germs every where... can't kill them, can still smell them everywhere...”
Dorothy: “Ok I'm going now... you get them germs now...”
Mum: “There trying to steal our fluids...”
Dorothy: “And thats me gone”


And the next product isn't much better, Preen ultra carpet jizz or whatever it is. Again insert mother figure only children this time she is actually playing with them, so yay for a happy home life. Hubby's nowhere to be found, probably in a salt mine somewhere earning enough money to buy hot bread and hospital grade cleaners. She rolls around on the floor with her kids, till snap! All of a sudden she stops dead in her tracks and realises she rolling around on the floor, the carpet no less. WTF!!! bitch don't you realise that carpet is hiding a tonne of germs and dirt, geez talk about your bad parenting.

Then all of a sudden in walks the stranger, you know the one, insert any family scene like some hallmark channel movie, stain occurs, danger danger, then in walks product lady holding an oily wrag and some magic jiffy cleanser made from gypsys and whale skin. No!!!! the fourth wall what are you doing, I was just sitting here with a camera crew recording footage of me playing with my children for perfect strangers to watch!


And there tears make great ointments!


And so on, for a start there is a strange woman in your house and you're not freaking out. Secondly I guaruntee you, your kids are putting six hundred worse things in there mouths every day than what is stuck deep in your carpet. Thirdly, you break from playing with your kids, spray the carpet with this product wait three hours for it to dry then vacuum, just so you can continue playing with your kids. And you expect me to believe, that a woman that did that, would endure even the idea of having her precious love den sullied with the presence of a dirty man penis for even three seconds? Let alone the other 24 it takes to succesfully have sex, so she could even have kids? Are you seriously trying to tell me that?

Mum: “Ok kids... almost ready, you'll have three minutes outside you bubbles but thats it”
Kid 1: “Awrh mum, can't we stay out longer?”
Mum: “No... you're to filthy”

Play continues, but suddenly the carpet!

Mum: “Oh god the carpet”
Stranger: “You think your carpets are clean”
Mum: “What the fuck are you doing in my house?”
Stranger: “...I'm telling you about Preen cleaner made from disembodied gypsy spirits”
Mum: “Please don't address the cameras, in this house we respect the formalities of theatre tradition!”
Stranger: “Your kid is eating a mouse”
Mum: “Billlly, NOOOO!”
Kid 2: “My names Andrew mum!”
Mum: “Back in the bubble!”


humor-blogs.com thinks the kids should just stay in the bubble...