Thursday, May 28, 2009

Adventures in the Public Domain: The Cat and Leroy

This week on the Cat and Leroy, call backs no one will remember, and it all gets a little gangsta...

Page Twelve

To see the other pages simply click the 'The Cat and Leroy' label.

The comics this spoof is based on is believed by the author of this blog to be public domain, if they are not then apologies and they will be removed post haste upon notification. is pretty sure he fucked up and called the lead bad guy the wrong name...

Monday, May 25, 2009

MicroFiction: Pengrove and Goran

The video screen flickered and blurred occasionally, the static waving across every now and then, but the message was clear. Clear and precise they had made that unmistakable.

“Am I to understand correctly Dr Pengrove, you plan to unleash a killbot onto the world and destroy it?” He said watching the screen intently.

“Why should we believe you? And what makes you think we are scared of one robot?” He said next leaning forward clenching his fists and slamming them on the table.

“Well, Mr President if you don't believe us then just watch this.” Pengrove said as he walked across the room and pulled a lever. Slowly the pod next to him opened ,stream pouring out and enveloping the floor, from it stepping a steel woman, curved and sleek. Pouting but with a tad more destructiveness than a normal lady. The machine stepped away from the pod then slowly walked out into the open leaving the lab. Pengrove walked after her motioning to the camera to follow.

“Come on Goran” Pengrove said as he kept getting further and further away from the camera.

“How do you zoom, I don't think the cord will go that far?” Goran said from behind the camera.

“I told you we should have hired some one for that” Pengrove yelled “There is a knob on the side”

“Are you still there?” Pengrove asked as he turned back to the camera. On the other end of the TV the President and his adviser's sat there still watching.

“Yes, we're still here Pengrove, we're still waiting for this reason to 'tremble' as you put it.” The President said angrily losing his cool. Pengrove walked back to the camera and smiled as he lit up his pipe and waggled his finger at the camera.

“Trixie... use your plasma cannon!” Pengrove said confidently. The robot turned away from Pengrove and Goran, and faced a distant mountain.

“Affirmative Doctor Pengrove” Trixie the killbot said in a husky smooth voice. She cocked her hip to the side placing both hands on her hips and opened her mouth. A small glow appeared from the back of her throat...

“Oh, the goggles” Pengrove remembered as he struggled in front of the camera to put on the protective eyewear. Only just in time for Trixie to unleash the stunning blast of green energy from her mouth. The full force of her plasma beam spewing forth and destroying the mountain in front of her. The explosion and its force knocking Pengrove, and Goran still holding the camera, onto the ground. The dust settled and both stood back up, Pengrove dusting himself off.

“Thank you Trixie... that was very nice” He said removing his goggles his face painted with dust like a raccoon, all but his eyes brown and dirty. His hair blown back upright and messy, his pipe jutting out from the top of his head somehow tangled into his hair.

“Right gentlemen, Mr President, you now know we are serious... we will contact you with our demands” Pengrove spoke straight down the barrel of the camera, then it suddenly went black and flickered into static. The President sat there in shock, what had he just seen, the power, the danger. He sat for a second, everyone in the room did, until finally he spoke.

“My god that robot had big tits though” thinks he's used that joke before...

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Adventures in the Public Domain: The Cat and Leroy

This week on the Cat and Leroy, humans shields and massive regrets!

Page Eleven

To see the other pages simply click the 'The Cat and Leroy' label.

The comics this spoof is based on is believed by the author of this blog to be public domain, if they are not then apologies and they will be removed post haste upon notification. always uses human shields...

Monday, May 18, 2009

It's a motion picture: Deathstalker

Welcome back kids, having fun are we, well I am, and that's all that counts. Recently I had the pleasure of receiving a gift, because, well because I'm just top shit that's why. Well that's the reason I'm going with. A friend of mine was recently in Queensland on holiday and knowing my passion for the shit side of cinema, picked me up a few choice pickings from the assortment. And that's what I bring you today.

Before I talk about the actual movie, when you stick a DVD in your player and begin to watch it, you don't usually expect to be greeted with the logo, for the 'payless entertainment limited' company. Whose actual slogan, is 'why should you pay more for entertainment'. It's a little disheartening, like they are just holding up the white flag already and saying, yes, you'll definitely get your three dollars worth.

Deathstalker, a fine piece of feminist cinema if ever I've seen. A movie where, and I took special note of this, took two minutes and thirty six seconds to show me some firm vine ripened booby. Most pornos can't manage that, yet there I was, there it was smiling back at me in its pert fleshy glory. I love this movie. It's got everything, and by everything I mean poorly staged sword fights and exponential amounts of scantily clad ladies running around. I swear if this movie had one securely fastened hidden nipple, then it was cut out in the editing.

I don't know how many times there was a girl running, and then with every instep, boing, out popped a fresh bit of nip to tide me over the thirty seconds till it happened again. And then there is the first half female lead, whose costume can only be described as, gee how would you put... deliciously fucking chauvinistic. Without a shadow of a lie, or a hint of hyperbole, her costume consists of a mask, a cape, and two strings to run scantily betwixt her cleavage, and some 'come fuck me boots', as I believe they're called in the trade. And that's it. Tits out, girls on display, boobies swinging in the breeze. It's god damn fantastic. I'm firmly convinced the costume designer is a twelve year old boy, who only took a break from humping the sleeve of his favorite jacket, to attack a woman with some velour and silly string.

Sadly she does dress up a bit more later in the movie, though that amounts to covering her nipples. But don't worry, she still manages to get them out again. In fact it seems her battle attire is just nude. I tell you what kids, few things in life compare to watching a topless chesty blonde sword fight someone.

But back to the main character, Deathstalker as played by... dude with a nice perm. Really there is not much to say about him, he has a nice physical presence, he acted well. Though I must say with the cacophony of boobage on display, I'm not sure if I was paying attention to the acting. He seems to be a strange character though, its definitely a 'mans mans' story, and by 'mans mans' I mean 'rapists'. Early in the movie he saves some young lass from no doubt being ravaged. Then three seconds after he has done that, hes got her top off and is trying to find out what she had for breakfast. Fortunately he is distracted and she escapes. But whether he was being gentle or not, she didn't really want to be mounted by the great shaven lummox.

And then with caped tittie girl as well. She's laid down by the fire, bow chica wow wow, sleeping, and he just crawls over and starts the business. It's obviously a movie full of strong female characters, as she just gives it up and lets him pork sword her right there in front of the guy that was formerly a puppet. While he (puppet man) groans and emotes with acceptance. It's both disturbing and highly erotic.

And what would any movie like this be without the complimentary awesome special effects. To be honest, most of them are actually pretty alright, lousy but the movies got boobies so who cares, good considering the era and budget of the film. The pig warrior thing is actually done pretty well, though it seems most of the time and money were put into that one thing. But I didn't see any strings, and there was only one really big continuity error, so it's all good really.

It's an astounding movie in many ways, not only for the amount of nubile young nudity it displays, but also for the fact it sets an absolute cracking pace. There is absolutely no exposition, no back story, it damn near happens in real time. And for that you have to give it at least a little credit. It manages to do things some other fantasy movies failed to do, like be continually exciting or even watchable (Lord of the Rings I'm looking at you). It's eighty and a few minutes of tits and sword fights and nothing else. They even managed to jam a workable story into it. I would love to hate this movie because... ah who am I kidding this movie is just awesome, I'm not going to pretend. More tits than a team of rugby players could grope on an entire tour, and two puppets. If I saw this movie out in a pub I'd buy it a drink and try to convince it to go into the toilets with me. isn't a rugby player...

Monday, May 11, 2009

Talk to Liam: Doug and the spider...

Doug: “Hello ‘help me’ call centre Doug speaking”
Liam: “I have a... large problem”
Doug: “Well what is it, maybe we can help you?”
Liam: “Just bear with me I have to check if its still there”
Doug: “Ok…”
Liam: “Yeah its still there”
Doug: “What’s still there sir?”
Liam: “Oh call me Liam, Dave, everyone else does”
Doug: “Ok Liam, but my names Doug, not Dave”
Liam: “Yeah sorry you’ll have to forgive me it’s this problem you see, it just won’t seem to go away”
Doug: “Well whatever it is we can help you out”
Liam: “No you’re not going to believe me when I say it”
Doug: “Oh of course we will”
Liam: “Whose we?”
Doug: “Me and the rest of the team”
Liam: “I’m not sure if I feel comfortable keeping going if this conversation isn’t private”
Doug: “Oh it is, but if I can’t help you, we have a whole team here that can”

Liam: “Oh ok then… that sounds good”
Doug: “So why don’t you tell me your problem”
Liam: “I’m really afraid of spiders you see”
Doug: “Yes that seems normal enough”
Liam: “And there’s a spider with Jack Palances head hiding in my kitchen somewhere”
Doug: “And not so normal any more… sir are you sure?”
Liam: “Yes I’m sure, it started talking to me about gold”
Doug: “So let me get this straight there’s a spider… with City Slickers era Jack Palances head… in your kitchen”
Liam: “Yeah… that about sums it up”
Doug: “Sir I have to tell you we don’t appreciate prank calls”
Liam: “And I don’t appreciate people accusing me of being a prankster you sir, Doug who ever you are, have abounded my honour”
Doug: “Well I’m sorry you feel that way Liam, but we really don’t have time to be dealing with stuff like this”

Liam: “Hang on he’s come out again… GO AWAY… oh wait he wants the phone”
Doug: “Sir I don’t have time for this”
Liam: “So you don’t want to talk to him?”
Doug: “Sir I don’t really want to be talking to you”
Liam: “Well maybe you should have thought of that before giant arachnid Jack Palance invaded me cook top”
Doug: “Liam that can hardly be my fault”
Liam: “Well… [away from phone] look I don’t have your gold would you please fuck off [back in phone] he’s getting braver and braver everyday, I haven’t seen Spencer in three days and yesterday he was cooking popcorn when I woke up.”
Doug: “Sir just out of curiosity how big is the spider”
Liam: “He’s about six foot I’d say”
Doug: “That is big, have you considered it might actually be a man”
Liam: “You mean its not spider”
Doug: “Yes… it’s a guy”
Liam: “Oh ok then, well thanks for that [hangs up phone]”

Shane: “Hello ‘help me’ call centre”
Liam: “Hello, look I have a problem”
Shane: “Yeah?”
Liam: “Jack Palance has eight arms and is making popcorn in my kitchen.” knows where Curlies gold is...

Thursday, May 07, 2009

MicroFiction: Pengrove and Goran

It had been a long hard morning, lots of yelling, a few screams and several angry fists slammed onto tables. A reasonable agreement just wasn't going to be met on most of these issues. It was a terrible state of affairs. Dr Pengrove sat opposite his partner Professor Goran, they weren't talking to each other at the moment, but it was Gorans fault, he was being impeccably childish.

“I'm telling you, the Gauss rifle is going to be fair more effective at long range” Pengrove said still looking away.

“Maybe, yes... but its not all about effectiveness, who knows what a Gauss rifle is. How is that going to strike fear into the public, we need a Gatling gun for fear!” Goran yelled back angrily turning to his partner and glaring at him.

“I've told you, with the Gatling gun there will be no room for the missile launcher, do you want a kill bot with out missiles... do you Goran?” Pengrove screeched back this time using his pointing finger for emphasis. The two sat there for a moment trying to calm down, thinking about what they could do to come to an agreement.

“Item 'j' though on the agenda... we're still agreed on that though, aren't we?” Goran said breaking the silence. Pengrove sat and didn't answer for a second, he knew they agreed on this but he was just so angry with Goran.

“Well yes of course we are Goran... we definitely need to put bigger tits on the kill bot” thinks item 'j' is a good idea...

Monday, May 04, 2009

Adventures in the Public Domain: The Cat and Leroy

This week on The Cat and Leroy, Rummys Grannie?

Page Ten

To see the other pages simply click the 'The Cat and Leroy' label.

The comics this spoof is based on is believed by the author of this blog to be public domain, if they are not then apologies and they will be removed post haste upon notification. isn't quite sure how that would fit in a bag...