Monday, September 28, 2009

A special entry: Monday

Monday... I'm really starting to hate Mondays. Not that I loved them before, but now its starting to get ridiculous. Oh well.

Spent the weekend watching the grand final. AFL, if anyone cares, Geelong vs Saint Kilda, Geelong won, in what turned out to be a fairly interesting match actually. I'm not really a fan of AFL but hanging out in a mates back yard with a boot load of piss and a fair whack of meat to fry is always going to be appealing. But it was arse fuck cold as well. I'm not quite sure what that measure of temperature figures out to in Fahrenheit, but it was chilly.

So after the game we lit a fire, huddled around and continued to drink. Well they did, I was out of beer and decided to call it quits, soft I know, but I kind of sensed the type of night that was going to follow. Of course being in a suburban area, my mates house didn't really have that much wood just lying around, so after starting the fire with metho and cardboard. We procured some wood the only way we knew how. By stealing borrowing the pallets from the houses still being built. Ah treated pine, you burn brighter than the sun.

It was an odd night, there was an encounter with a neighbour who may or may not have been quite attractive, and may or may not have been of legal age. Its hard to tell when all you can see is the shadowy outline of them waving in their bathroom window. And that's not a euphemism, they were actually waving watching us through their bathroom window, and why wouldn't you be watching a bunch of naked drunk blokes.

Then the fire jumping started... which to me is still a mystery, maybe I was the only one sober, but for some reason the risk of 3rd degree burns to major parts of your body becomes completely acceptable once you have consumed enough alcohol. Who am I to judge though, I've been told at a recent social event I fell on a dog, and that's not a euphemism either. It was around about the time the host attempted to jump the wheelie bin full of empties and didn't make it, and almost rolled into the fire that I decided yeah, I should get the fuck outta dodge go home and have some toast and a lie down.

All in all a good weekend...

humor-blogs.com fire jump at every opportunity...

Thursday, September 24, 2009

I'm lazy get over it.

Kakaka yeah!

Monday, September 21, 2009

The Pitch: Nixon Goes to Hell

What... fuck its Monday again already. I don't know where does the time go. OK, post idea, idea for a post. Um, shiiiiiit, I don't know. Alright movie idea, Kennedy era white house, no... Nixon era. What he was a better president. And no one was going to stick that salt lick anywhere near their mouths. So Nixon finds a gate to hell behind a closet in the Lincoln suite, its where Bubba installed the hot tub during his reign... so sequel.



Anyway Nixon finds a gate to hell and decides for a laugh, lets go through it. Once he does go through it though, it opens the door wide open and stuff starts to poor back through. Horrible things, like demons, ghosts and... pickles... I'm so lonely... So when Nixon comes back through the white house is just crazy like... you know like, like that. And of course its the eve of the visit from Mr Russian the leader of Russia, and his hot wife Rosario Dawson, played by herself.

So Nixon has to shove all the demons and ghosts back through the gate and get shit cleaned up before Mr Russia rocks up the next morning. Its kind of like Ghostbusters meets Thirteen Days, but with hot steamy lesbian love scenes and a lot more decapitation. Starring Samuel L. Jackson as Richard Nixon and Burt Reynolds as the surly but lovable Donald Rumsfeild. Its danger, intrigue, comedy, ludicrous amounts of violence, and hardcore pornography wrapped into one neat little package. 'Nixon goes to hell' coming summer 2013...

Hey, Knock knock...
And the Barmen says...
About 140 pounds...

humor-blogs.com Doesn't think this will work...

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Adventures in the Public Domain: Tim Dawson

This week on Tim Dawson, choking and revenge

Page Six


The comics this spoof is based on is believed by the author of this blog to be public domain, if they are not then apologies and they will be removed post haste upon notification.

humor-blogs.com doesn't like metaphors...

Monday, September 14, 2009

MicroFiction: Pengrove and Goran

“Come in sit down can I get you a drink?” Pengrove asks showing the man in his office to a spare seat. The man smiles and wanders over to the chair slowly sitting down whilst taking in the surroundings.

“Uh, no, no thank you I'm fine” He replies still smiling though a little awkwardly.

“So... Adrian, is it... you want to work for us” Pengrove asks leaning back in his chair

“Um, yeah I guess” He fixes his hair as he talks the van ride wasn't so bad but the bag had really messed up the product in his hair. He keeps looking around the office newspaper clippings scatter the walls all headlined with either 'Danger' or 'Disaster', or some other overblown description.

“What is it you actually do here?” Adrian asks focusing on the picture of the shapely robot woman with darts sticking out of it.

“We are a... what would you say we do here Goran?” Pengrove asks turning and looking out the missing wall into the rest of the lab. The entire office merely a TV set like construction of three walls and a large open space.

“Gee, that's a tough one, I'd say we're a global... transition, company” Goran suggested rolling his hand. He then went back to playing with the Tesla glove he was working on.

“Global transition” Pengrove said smiling back at Adrian.

“You guys try to take over the world?” Adrian mumbled.

“Yeah... you have a problem with that” Goran asked from out in the lab

“No... I used to work at google” Adrian replied

“Oh... impressive” Pengrove mutters taking down a few notes.

humor-blogs.com has been good to me over the years...

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Adventures in the Public Domain: Tim Dawson

This week on Tim Dawson action, adventure and stuff!

Page Five


The comics this spoof is based on is believed by the author of this blog to be public domain, if they are not then apologies and they will be removed post haste upon notification.

humor-blogs.com also wasn't touching his stuff...

Monday, September 07, 2009

A special entry: Karma, Ying and Yang

People are stupid, but you already know that don't you, you've been visiting this site for how long? If you haven't learnt that by now then, well maybe you're one of them, don't worry I wont tell. Yet. But yes people are stupid and annoying, for many reasons one of which I will investigate today.

And when I say investigate I really mean complain and rant, because that's how things work around here. And if it doesn't pan out then I'll swear for a bit and hope no ones reading. Which is likely. Karma, the force that binds the universe together, apart from of course physics the midichlorians, and the long noodly appendages of the great flying spaghetti monster. The belief that every action has a reaction... wait was that Newton... or Kennedy. Ha! physics and Australian cultural icons in the one joke, no ones going to get that are they?

Anyway Karma, some people believe in Karma, some sort of metaphysical force swirling around the ether designed to bitchslap or reward given the nature of its whim. Which is fine. But then some people seem to think that Yin and Yang have something to do with it as well. Those people that claim to be Buddhists, but still eat meat and like gay people, (its frowned upon in Buddhism kids look it up, they're not as loving and as tolerant as you think... fuck Tibet...)



If Yin and Yang were related to Karma here's how shit would work. You do something good for someone, yeah you'd have something good destined to come over the horizon like some shining white knight of goodness and cookies. But then to deal with the Yin and Yang part of it you'd then have to do something bad to even it out. Like help an old lady across the road, (the good in case you're wondering), and then stabbing her in the face with some BBQ tongs (the bad in case you're... you know that ones probably self explanatory isn't it), to make the universe even.

Yin and Yang are two opposite things, think of it as black and white, the universe is made up of equal amounts of each, nothing can ever get out of balance. It is balance. Karma is don't watch your neighbours fooling around in their pool because one day you'll end up locked naked in a phone booth with the handset glued to the talky end of your peen.

Yin and Yang isn't something you can exploit for reward, its like porn on the Internet, its just there, existing outside of the physical world. If you look for it, you'll, find... it. If you don't look for it, you'll find it anyway probably won't you. Bad example. Sure believe in Karma be good and believe that's why good things happen to you. But then lets switch back to the Yin and Yang... yeah you're being the bestest mo fucker (can I just say how happy it makes me that when you spellcheck 'mofucker' in blogger it actually suggests 'mo fucker' as a correct wording) you can possibly be, but that just means that there is an opposite out there...

humor-blogs.com believes in Kin Yarma!

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Adventures in the Public Domain: Tim Dawson

This week on Tim Dawson... ahhh?


Page Five?

Yeah... photoshop was playing up so, nothing really happened this week, problem solvered, but not in time for todays post...

humor-blogs.com never has technical difficulties...