I don't know how he writes without any hands
I remember the last time I did one of these Diesel likened it to James Joyce with a rail road spike in his noggin, so that’s good, isn’t it? Of course it is, everyone’s favourite petroleum based blog overlord is always complimentary. I also believe I was still under the impression my alter ego was fooling people, so it’s been quite some time since this category has been pulled from the fire and tossed around like a piping hot baked potato of stupidity.
Yes that’s right kids its time again for me to show how much of a man I am, be telling you all rather unconvincingly that there is a long list of people I could ‘take’. Fighting truly is the best way to show people you are better than them, so here I am again to prove my worth describing how I would beat up some person.
But who, which unlucky SOB, is going to get it from me the big man with the big muscles. If I’m honest kids it doesn’t really matter, since I’m more than likely to at one stage ‘go low’ as the kids put it and kick, punch or bite said person in the balls. But we still need to name a person, who do we have kids, lets take a look at the list… yes , hmmm, indeed, ah there we go this should be a fair challenge.
David Suzuki, eco warrior and all around nice guy, sounds like a decent fight. Plus he’s Canadian so he’s bound to be useless at fisty-cuffs, hey Canada prove me wrong. Why I would want to fight one of the greatest humans of the modern age isn’t important here kids. Just pretend it’s for some sort of FOX TV special. But as usual I have to go through how this fight would come about.
There’s me, I’m walking down the street, I’m wearing a head band because they are cool, and I have some sort of vinyl jacket on. Suzuki comes from the other direction, and me being the gracious individual I am step aside to let him through.
Me: “Hey, Mr Myogi”
Suzuki: “No you have me confused with Pat Morita”
Me: “No, see I’ve almost seen the karate kid movies 3 times, I know an actor when I see one”
Suzuki: “You’ve almost seen them, then how can you know it’s me”
Me: “Uh… Gaydar”
Suzuki: “That’s silly if you’ll excuse me I have to go”
Me: “Oh ok then, sure just walk away, wax on wax off, yeah sure you’re just a big scaredy cat aren’t you Chairman Kaga”
Suzuki: “Ok know you’re just being racist and naming Asian people”
Me: “No I’m not… Cloud”
Suzuki: “He’s not even real or Asian, he’s from Final Fantasy”
Me: “Now who’s being racist”
Suzuki: “You’re a petty small minded individual”
Me: “Small mind this [snaps to crane kick position]”
Suzuki: “…… Oh it’s on!”
See it’s simple really, how many times have you seen that happen on the street. So there’s me arms raised one foot off the ground balancing ready to deliver my sweet crane style kick. David Suzuki opposite me, sleeves rolled up ready to fight back/cop the ass whooping of a millennium from a borderline racist maniac. How to beat him though, how to come through this unscratched and ready to rumble again should the need arise.
Like vampires and garlic... seriously
Well as everyone knows Canadians are left powerless in the presence of the element Carbon, have you ever seen a Canadian use a pencil, I’m telling you straight up, they can’t. It’s like werewolves with silver, but real, test it yourself. Go to your local Wal-Mart and buy a Canadian and some pencils. So after asserting your manliness over a seventy year old Canadian by shoving a pencil into his right kidney, what do you do… well you run, because nothing gets a mob together quicker than stabbing an environmentalist in a vital organ.
And that settles that, no more wondering how I’d beat David Suzuki for you, so when your kids/neighbours ask you that question you can answer with extreme confidence. And when they look at you with that look of ‘why do I bother trying to have intelligent conversations with you’, you can direct them here and tell them they should be happy with what they get.
humor-blogs.com promises to try harder next time
Member of humorblogs.com, like what you just read? Canadian, fancy some revenge on me for desecrating the image of one of your great people, well go here and vote for some of my other posts.